Something We Write About

It’s been a really long while.

I went back and forth viewing Tumblr. Hesitating. Thinking hard.

Whether I would really like to go back to any form of journaling; writing about my thoughts and my feelings.

I think some things do take time. Like healing.

As a child, I fell in love with the idea that I could write about anything in my diary. I went on for years. Until life happened. Shitty people, unwanted circumstances, traumatic experiences, and deep scars that will not easily heal with time.

I think it was when I was starting college that I burned all my diaries. Everything. All the years I spent writing. I burned them all.

I guess I never really recovered from that heartbreak. Every time I would think of starting a journal—whether traditional or online—I would always have this looming anxiety. Distrust. Heartbreak all over again.

But I want to slowly, no matter how late, face this anxiety. I want to try and rebuild whatever it is that has been broken in me…

That was the last part of the message I sent to him months after I ended our four-year relationship in December of 2021. I thought I had let go of him when I ended our relationship. But no.

Just like any breakup. It wasn’t easy.

While I maintained my composure in front of family and friends, months after the break up, my mind and heart was in chaos.

I felt angry. I blamed myself. I longed for him and even contemplated if what I did was right.

But today was the day that I’m finally letting him go.

Today, we have given each other a closure.

No more pointing fingers. We are both responsible for our relationship.

Sadly, we had baggages and unresolved personal issues. I know in my heart and I’ve seen that we both tried, but it wasn’t enough to save our relationship.

I learned that no matter how much we love a person, and even if we choose to be with them, it will not matter. It will not matter at all, if we do not choose to work together as partners.

I think, any relationship is a commitment to be together. It’s a partnership. It supposed to be between two people, but if one fails — endings are inevitable.

I have forgiven what has to be forgiven. I apologized for I am not without a flaw. 

I’m not regretting my decision to end our relationship. I know it is what we need.

I’m not regretting my decision to be with him and spent 4 years of my life with him. We had good times, we were happy.

But for now, we have to learn to be happy with ourselves. We have to learn to love ourselves. Only then we can love another.

Twenty nine.

A few years passed. A lot has changed. But my feelings remained the same. I still feel as lost in life as I was at  26.

Why? Because life happened, and at times it wasn't kind at all.

And here I am in another attempt to go back to writing. 

Something I've loved. 

Something I've abandoned.

But the thing is somewhere in our lives, we will always go back to something or someone we loved genuinely.

And a thought came to me, that maybe  I can still go back. Not to the life I spent writing in several journals, but to the writing where I can freely express myself.