Clarity

-started off the new year 15 drinks deep crying about my ex

-wasn’t over my break up for a really really long time

-slept at strange hours/pulled all nights/wasn’t eating properly/depression manifesting itself as skin diseases

-depressed and so anxious that i went on pills because it wasn’t manageable anymore

-i didn’t get the grades i wanted for the first time in college

-computer got hacked and was at risk for identity theft 

-had to get three tires replaced

-threw up almost everytime I drank 

-cat problems 

-got screwed over by close friend from school/home once he met his new girlfriend, fizzled out friendship by my childhood best friend since we were like 5, my guy best friend at school led me on while i was in a relationship and proceeded date a random and didn’t bother to tell me 

-my family moved across the country and I haven’t seen my younger sister since the start of school and won't until maybe spring break

Good things about 2016

-I met my little and the complement of soul (pembs) and the love of my life (my kitten) 

-learned how to be a responsible pet owner

-my internship where i honest to god had the time of my life in memphis 

-i got my grades back up this semester 

-went to some really cool shows which i never thought i’d do after me and my ex broke up

-I’m the new president of my sorority

-went on some good dates and got myself back out there

The point being, I started off this year thinking it was going to be so shitty. And it was. I was overwhelmed with my sorority, school, and the emotions from my breakup that I wasn’t taking care of myself the way that I needed to. Everyone knew I was depressed. When I went on my meds, one of my professors approached me and asked what was new with me. She said I seemed so much more lively and like myself finally. And at some point, things started looking up. I think I spent the entire year concerning myself with how badly things were going. And honestly, I don’t think I realized that everything won't get better overnight. I think i cried almost every time something bad has happened to me this year (holy fuck it was a lot of times). 

I woke up at 5 am this morning and I couldn’t sleep so naturally I wrote a song.

________

I met this guy In the dark decrepit corners of my mind It was fine but attachment ran rampant through my head

But you, you stroke my hair and we laugh about our favorite songs It’s funny that I knew the fate of us  And yet I still walked through those creaking doors Into your room, that summer afternoon

But I know it may never mean a thing to you at all, That I’m just another girl that shows up on your screen. And I know it may never mean a thing to you at all,  That you’ll probably never call again but at least that’s not an illusion of my mind, that happens all the time

But I can’t help but think of you, How your laugh was the soundtrack for my day, And the sweaty clothes we wore out in the rain

But I can’t help but think of you And the refreshing taste of grapefruit that we shared, I’m just tired I swear.

And this is me meeting someone new,  Consider it rare because I’m locked in the maze of anxiety in my head. This is all the time.

And this is me holding on to just one day,  Locked the file and kept it safely tucked away. I doubt you feel this at all.

Your walls must have laughed at the fate of us  Because it was all clear from the start. And I never expected to see through you at all.

And I see vulnerability, I see carefully selected vices, I see politics, I see emptiness, I see your green eyes beaming down, I see me.

someone: [likes me]