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Just blocked stalker guy and I feel like I have nothing. I hate my crush. He's muted and archived. I'm sad because I love his system and the one meant to be an option for me...he always ends up on his ex always. Whenever we have a moment, it's time to talk about her. Literally just go to her. Shut up. Go away. I hate you.

Sigh.

It sounded really horrible tbf.

I hate being into someone who's brain is shattered into multiple people. I don't understand my attraction or feelings. I like V but D is the one who decided they're keeping me. When D isn't there, I have such a crush but when he's there idkk he's too mature for me. I get bored. He makes me feel secure and safe and he's so daddy but I want the others.

Doesn't matter anyway, I feel lucky to be in his orbit and kept for now. I'm definitely one of the main people he talks to, MAYBE top of the pile.

Whatever. It's just nice to have someone who makes me feel happy by being there when I wake up.

I technically am still dating that stalker guy, bless him. And I have a crush on this loser who makes me laugh and I feel happy when I talk to.

But ofc, system guy is the lead. He's handsome, talented, Aspd, observant, cool, financially free, fun, and has a sexy accent. Violence and being over 6ft don't hurt either.

I want to entrap and ensnare him. Make him mine. Make him need to keep me, not just choose to keep me. I need to tap into his obsessive tendencies and make me part of what he needs to activate his mental reward centers. I need to inject myself into his routines and his compulsive behaviour. I need to become completely negligible in my presence, yet unthinkable to operate without.

Like oxygen. Unobtrusive until it's absence.

He feels almost too real. In the numbing way that real life numbs. Liking him feels like hiding nothing. Like having to soberly face reality and life.

Pretending to be one person felt powerful and real but it's a fiction.

I want to kill myself.

But just now unblocked him, justified in my head as, "de-esecalting so we're at a neutral point and there's no conflict hurdle he's thinking about overcoming"