Dude I am so freaking devastated. My heart literally is aching for the last like 3 days. I feel so empty, and its such a familiar feeling to have. Which is probably why this is a lil easier than before. But damn is this bringing up past wounds of never being enough and never being worth it for people. I finally found someone who would call me out on my lies, and my feelings, be patient with me, and comfort me and silence all the thoughts in my head and heart. I finally found someone who would be me for me, and now Im losing it. I found something so special and I honestly dont know if I will ever find something like that ever again. I am so hurt and distraught and lonely but its like why would I think for a second that it was ever going to be me?? It was never going to be me dude it never is. AHHH im going so crazy and its literally killing me right now HAHAAH i dont know how i will recover all that I know is that I have to.

 I think I am going to try to do better this time. Again for myself and for my health I will try my best do do whatever that I can . 

    At my big ass age its really time for me to be responsible for the things that I do and how i feel and how i react. After countless rejection and no joy of things I want to do I would much rather do them alone than with other people. I think having the expectation of being treated better has really been my biggest downfall. I am not a maiden who men save, I am not mother earth that women feel comfort in. I am but a empty motel with a vacancy sign, i shelter those from long weary travel. I home them, provided needs till their well rested and can continue on in their journey. I am the back up plan but not plan b. I am A to Y and rarely am I ever Z. I cant seem to be a priority for anyone not even myself. days, weeks, months, and years seem to flash before me and yet i am still the same lil girl. Crying to tumblr and not making any effort.  I think this will be a promise to myself to do better and be better and just idk flourish. cause if i cant do it for me then who will 

GUUUURRRLLL i didmt know what the fuck to say other than hahah thats nice. LMFAO i dont care anymore. Sorry, you made your choice and that was the choice that you decided to make. I am not going to go back to what was a mistake on your part but a win on mine. Like that was the dumbest thing i had to ever go through and i couldnt belive it. I found it a lot more endeering that he was just going to live with his mistake and now he went on and told me that is wild. Idk how iam supposed to respond to that KMFAO 

    it feels so weird actively losing weight again LOL. Not that I ever stopped going to the gym i just gave up on eating properly. Now I have to work my way down the ranks again. I was 200lbs last Friday or Thursday and today i am at 196 or 195.8 LMFAO! Its not where I was but hey its something right? However I should be proud cause gurl that is 4-5 pounds in about 7 days wow. Amazing! and as soon as you lose 10 lbs youre about to go buy those lashes you wanted :3 heheheheh      This time I am doing this in a more sustainable way. I am also going to grow this boottaayyy which subtantiously has already but i am depating if i want to go to the gym today after work or do it tomorrow morning? 

     The way I have spent years, decades even thinking about how I would be a lingering effect in peoples lives. The little me who couldn't hear anything anyone would say to me because I kept on hearing the same thing. “i dont deserve you.” or “you are someone that no one could ever find” yadda yadda yadda. I have been traumatized by anything remotely positive being said to me because at the time, it felt like it was all just pointless lies. How am I supposed to feel like the winner if I am the one who keeps on getting left behind. How am I supposed to be the “better’ option but I am still the one whos getting the most hurt?? Well lil girl, boy do I have some answers for you HAHA!      I can finally accept that I am amazing. I am literally the demise of the men I have been able to spend the time with that I have. I am amazing I cant believe 10 years later people stll think of me. Fuck even 3 years later I am still a lingering thought in your brain no matter how you try to play it out.  the me that was so desperate to be loved and felt casted aside is now laughing in the tower she built while she was healing and i am just THAT bitch now 

    I just feel so neglected still and i think that is my fault somehow and spending less time with both of them has been effecting me a lot and i just hate how i have been feeling lately 

     I am on here complaining because I have to vent out all my frustrations and as much as I want to not do anything and just rest I have to go to the gym, I have to work out, I just have to show up!! The only thing that is stopping me from my end game is myself and I need to remind myself daily so I can stay focused on the goal here. WHO CARES about anything else right now those feelings and issues do not fucking matter. What matters is the will to go on to be the hot, cute, short headed, ginger bitch you are meant to be. Stop finitizing of those women and start being that women. Own up to your shit and get your shit together you lazy piece of shit.  

     holy shit this week was KILLER! I mean I am so tired, super duper immensly tired. I havent quite found my sweet spot that I have been looking for between jobs and having to meal prep has taken a lot out of me honeslty. This was just week 3 and i am pooped!! Although, to reach the goals that I want I need to stop making excuses for myself and just do. If i didnt meal prep last night I would have been pissed at myself today, and today I am proud : )  I am finally taking myself into consideration and Idk what changed in my head but I definetly would have never stayed up to meal prep after workign the way that i did HAHAHHAHHA. This is for the FUTUR BAD BITCH ME I SWEAR 

  its been becoming a mantra now by how often I say it, but I am going to be so unbelievably hot, and unbothered that I will be having _____ quaking in his fucking knees. I will be my best hype person and now I have to just commit to that and do the things that I need to do in order to achieve those things . Ive made my list, I forced myself to go to sleep early, I am going to be a sustainable ass emotionally will but logically driven ass WHORE ( and whore meaning that I m funny haha, cause i dont plan on fucking anyone.)      honestly i am going to be so single its hilarious HAHAHAAH 

the way that things are felling right now just feels so right for me, im finally so much closer to getting over that god for saken feeling and being able to actually live for myself for a change. I have 2 wonderful jobs, ill be out of debt and ill make my life being comfortable in my 30s. I am so thankful for the growth that i am expereinceing and i cant wait to expaind on that perpetually 

   my new job seems so cool!! i am not going to lie i was uber tired from this weekend but it could also be from like the shot i had to get. none the less i am so happy and excited to be working there and it does help make a change in peoples lives and in mine!!! Ooooweeee I am so happy :D 

   I got a new job! I really hope this keeps me busy enough to not think about him anymore. Not that I should throw myself into work as a distraction but man it really is what I am good at LOL. I love to just distract myself. It still kind of hurt myself in the end, even when casually talking with hiim i just think constantly everything he says he likes are just things i am not. And i wish i could work on my comprimarios of myself and what have you. I cant wait to have enough money to see my therapist a lot more too! i really wish I can just fix myself better.  Save money Save money Go to the gym save more money and jsut be a beauty with money and thats all i want to do lol 

    I keep on saying this like every other month it feels like, and each time I am more and more serious about it. I think I am finally, FINALLY closing a long awaited aching chapter in my life. One with a lot of growth, unhappiness, anxiety and overall just good outcome at the end of the day. I still think that I dont want to presue dating as anything serious and the guys that I meet from here on out are never going to fill a shoe that I aspire for. Just because the shoes are going to be the ones I am wearing. I dont doubt that I am going to be upset, but more or less its not with being upset with like him. More or less situationally being upset that making sense that i am not the last choice this time. I think it was wrong of him and myself to have done what we did with what I know now. I just thought he was finally coming around to the idea of liking me in that sense. But that was just my fantasy.       I think that the talk that we had to the wee hours of the night help shine a lot of light on that spectrum of what I thought we were and i feel bad for having the mood swing i am going to have. but all as well ends well and i am going to be the one who comes out on top this time i swear by it