Belle

Hello there!

I'm Belle, currently 20 years old and use she/her. This is actually my first time blogging and i'm so excited. I never blog before so don't mind my shitty use of words or phrase lol.

Do you ever feel like God is being unfair to you?

I have.

And I know I shouldn’t. I know I should be grateful for what I have, for what I’ve been given. But I’m not. Because this—this isn’t the life I wanted.

The life I dreamed of? It was nothing like this.

And the worst part? Everything I wanted, everything I ached for, was given to someone else. Like my dreams were never mine to begin with—just a gift meant for another.

I know I shouldn’t be angry, but I am.

I can’t help it. I don’t even know who I’m angry at.

But I need to be mad at someone.

I need someone to blame.

And sometimes, that someone is God.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I know this is my own fault—my own choices, my own path. But still, I ask: Why?

Why let me live through today when what I wanted was already taken from me?

I just knew I’d never find peace the second the chaos walked into my life.

Some people carry storms with them. They don’t mean to, maybe—but wherever they go, they leave things unsettled. They shake up everything you’ve built, make you question everything you thought you knew.

And yet, somehow, I let them in.

Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe a part of me thought I could handle the mess. But the thing about chaos is that it doesn’t just stay contained—it spreads. It creeps into your thoughts, your routines, your sense of self, until you don’t remember what peace even felt like.

I should’ve known better. I did know better. But knowing doesn’t always mean leaving.

I don’t hate people. I just don’t like being around them for too long.

Socializing feels like a performance—one I never signed up for. The small talk, the forced smiles, the constant pressure to be on. It drains me in ways I can’t even explain.

I like my own company. The quiet, the stillness, the freedom to just exist without expectation. I don’t crave constant interaction, and honestly, I don’t see why that’s such a bad thing.

But sometimes, I wonder—do people see me as cold? Distant?

Do they mistake my silence for indifference?

Because the truth is, I do care. I just show it differently.

I’d rather sit in comfortable silence than force a conversation. I’d rather have one deep connection than a hundred surface-level friendships. And I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people who don’t really see me.

Maybe that makes me asocial.

Being alone isn’t a bad thing. It’s peaceful—less stress, fewer complications, no one demanding your time or energy. Sure, loneliness creeps in sometimes, but there’s a kind of comfort in solitude that relationships don’t always offer.

I like having my small circle—just my friends, nothing more. That’s enough for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t enjoy socializing much to begin with, or maybe I just don’t see the point in forcing something that isn’t real.

Sometimes, I wish my brain had an off switch. Or at least a mute button. Because the way I can take a simple thought and turn it into a full-blown existential crisis? Honestly, it’s impressive.

Like, I’ll say “thanks” instead of “thank you” in a text and suddenly I’m convinced I sound passive-aggressive. Or I’ll replay a random conversation from years ago and decide that, actually, I definitely embarrassed myself, even if no one remembers it but me.

And don’t even get me started on decision-making. Do I send the text now or wait? Do I say “hi” first or act like I don’t care? Do I post this blog or will I wake up at 3 AM cringing at myself? (obviously lol)

Sometimes, I wonder if being a hopeless romantic is a blessing or a curse.

Like, I’m fine being single. I actually like being alone. Most of my time is spent just doing my own thing, not really talking to people unless I have to. I self isolate from anyone sometimes without actually meaning it cause it has been my habit. I don't feel empty. I don't feel lacking. Atleast not always.

But then I see it. In movies, in books, in real life—people falling in love, choosing each other, looking at one another like they’ve found something rare. And it makes me wonder… does that kind of love actually exist? And if it does, is it something I’ll ever have?

I think about what it must feel like—to have someone look at you and see you. Like, really see through you and still being loved. To have them listen, really listen, when you rant about something random. To be touched in a way that wasn't lust or desire, but because they just want to—like holding you is as natural as breathing. To be someone's choice, every single day without hesitation.

And sometimes, I wonder… will I ever be that person for someone? Will anyone ever look at me and think, Yeah, that’s the one. That’s who I choose.