Hold Tight

I’m at the stage of depression where I drink stale seltzer.

I don’t enjoy living but I hate sleeping

My biggest issue is that I have an extremely difficult time making decisions, which leads me to seek the advice of others. In doing so the advice I may follow doesn’t necessarily suit me, but my risk adversity leads me down their path for me. Inevitably or usually it leads me to disappointment and frustration as I did not end up where I wanted to be.

Some of my most cherished memories were of my grandmother taking me to pick up my grandfather from work. She would give me some money to buy cards from a vending machine at the walbaum’s. Thinking back on opening those packs in the car on the way home give me such a warm feeling inside.

Has the sky looked better?

While I look back fondly of the places I’ve been, I do worry about the places I’ll never be.

It’s not right.

Depression is like everyone rejoicing that Trump is out of office, but you’ve felt the same since 2006 and nothing has or will change that. The bleakness that people complain about isn’t just from outside factors, but from within. It’s hard to be the light when it’s only dark around you.

Update: it wasn’t lost it apparently went missing so I guess you can see how much I remember and how much new there was to edit.

I think about what got me here to this point, whether it was undiagnosed anxiety or the incessant bullying or just not nice people that I was constantly forced to interact with during childhood/adolescence or even adulthood. People find me perfectly pleasant, I project a very courteous and happy go lucky person and yet I am just broken on the inside and I cannot find a way to fix it. It seems like when I have sought help with these issues that whatever is suggest is what I am resistant to. It’s really just reality that’s been getting me down for such a long time. Reality is like gravity, it just weighs on you. We only have so much time and I very much feel like I wasted it, without even knowing it because I was selfish and immature.

I guess looking back I could have predicted this is how my life would have turned out. Hoped for the best tho.

I almost feel like I miss it. Depression v1 was just so needy and whiny. V2 more of the same so sad all the time, but still barely finding the will to live. Don’t know how I survived version 3, but I did. Horrible while it lasted. V4 is just so angry. All the time. It doesn’t ebb and flow, it’s like water simmering and every once in a while I boil over. Randomly.

You want it to end