and if I liveblogged rcbg 33 chat......................................................................................what then
Chapter 33 - Rashmi, I'm living on a prayer here,
gonna do this one here as well because it's easier than blueing 5 million skies right now
okay spoilers for 33 below let's give it up for part 1 of pov 1 everypony
part 2 of pov 1 i.e. In Which Tumblr User Helsinore Rambles Instead Of Properly Liveblogging
Last time on Dragonboob Z (cups)--- "I tilt my head to the side. My hands shake. âWith that attitude? Yes.â
That wasnât what she wanted to hear, clearly. Kathyâs expression is desperate, pleading.
 âRashmi, please donâtâI wish to do better, I truly do! But if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, thenââ" Okay yeah see This is what I mean. Like. Rashmi doesn't center Kathy's feelings in this moment and is like "okay yeah you know what fuck it sure you're doomed" and Kathy immediately tries to backwheel and it's like Kathy you are not in a place to ask for support right now you just hatecrimed that woman's fiancee after betraying her during the Nichole Intervention and deciding she was Not To Be Trusted because of one past infarction that Nichole also committed except Rashmi apologized to you.....................let us be so serious. Honestly it does remind me of this early part in Estro Junkies where (spoilers but like not super huge spoilers but y'know) Ru and Mona have their Conversation and Ru doesn't center Mona's white woman feelings about how Terrible the meeting (where the GSA was dogshit to Tahani and Ru and especially Tahani) went and Mona keeps upping how many tears she's producing from her eyes until some part of her subconscious realizes that she can't cry a river to win here so she starts just saying blatantly awful shit instead. Like, "if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, then--" I'm not even speaking from a high horse I'm not going to begin to pretend like I am a morally pure human being, chat. I am not that man I am not the guy who has never lost his shit so expediently, I am not immune to the crashing of out, I am so painfully just some dude online. I am not holier than thou, I am thee. Or whatever. I'm not the bible either. But like.....I understand that it would be a struggle to deal with this alone. I understand that it would suck ass to have to confront your failings, your internal ugliness, your own cruelty, all alone, and reckon with the fact that you are a bad person who sucked ass.
.....................but you have to. Like, fundamentally, you just have to. You can't ask the people you harmed to tell you you were secretly good and justified all along. You can't ask them to hold your hand and teach you how to be a better person. Kathy rejected Rashmi attempting to help her originally. Kathy decided pre-Nichole Intervention that Rashmi was to be discarded of, that Nichole was The One, and then Kathy made good on that and adamantly betrayed Rashmi during the Nichole Intervention, not giving two shits about what Nichole did to Rupali (who is a deeply important person in Rashmi's life!). Rashmi was worried sick for Kathy's wellbeing and Ru tried very gently to talk to Kathy, to intervene, and Kathy reacted by screaming and attacking her. And now Kathy is acting for Rashmi to make her feel better. To prove to Kathy that Rashmi will be there for her no matter what horrid shit that Kathy does, to prove herself to Kathy. Like, that's what this is. I don't know if I'm describing this very clearly but like -- Kathy is putting pressure on Rashmi here to caretake her and support her No Matter What. And that's.....not okay. That's abusive. And that's the thing about relationships like these. Like. You can really love someone. But you can't stand with them forever. You can't put yourself at risk and your other loved ones at risk -- like, if Rashmi was like 'yeah Kathy, you actually have a true hero's heart deep down'.......Rashmi is out here betraying Rupali, whom Kathy harmed. Rashmi is betraying herself, by staying in this relationship/attempting to caretake a woman who actively was the aggressor in this situation. Like....it's just not fair. And it sucks Kathy is going through it, and that Kathy is sad, but Kathy hurt Ru/Rashmi. Kathy hurt people. Kathy was racist. She cannot ask those same people to help her and hold her hand. That's cruel. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Katherine. You cannot ask the brown women you harm to mommy you out of this one. wow holy shit that was so much i hit the damn word limit okay. cool.
part 3 of pov 1
"âWhose fault is it if you have to do it all alone?â My voice trembles, and my vision swims. âIs it mine, Kathy? Is that what you think?â
âN-no.â
âGood.â I blink back the tears. Not now. Not in front of her. Sheâs not fucking worth a single drop. âRu certainly wonât make the mistake of giving a shit again, after how you blew up at her. But I guess Iâm fucking cursed or something, because I still do. Despite everything you did.â" again: shoutout Rashmi for being on the money here. Like. No, it's not Rashmi's fault. Kathy's words are putting the fault on Rashmi, implicitly, but Rashmi is not caving. That's good. That's important. Rashmi deserves to protect herself. And you can see how clearly this breaks Rashmi. Like. This is a woman she really cared about. Like, god, this really is how it feels when you have to break up with someone who you realize doesn't actually care about you, or like....not enough to change. Like. holy shit. "Kathy goes back to avoiding my gaze. She nods. âIâmâI appreciate that you have not yet terminated our friendship, Rashmi.â
âOur what?â Sheâs unbelievable. âDo you seriously think weâre friends right now, Katherine?â
Katherine looks stunned. Whatâs left of her mascara is running again. âAre you saying we are not?â"
White People.................................................................................................. take a shot every time i say "white people" but it's real white people hours again. Like I just. The complete dehumanization of Rupali. Katherine has dehumanized Rupali since encounter one where she commented on Ru's big boobalicious boobs and how she breasts boobily and it's like actually racism misogyny is not funny bbgirl. And then it's continued. Like. Kathy doesn't give a shitting fuck about what Nichole did to hurt Ru. Kathy literally screamed at this woman, said weird horrible racist shit at her, and threw orange soda at her. Like. She hatecrimed Ru. Someone who is very, very important to Rashmi. And she knows this. And she's jealous, and she's made up a Rupali in her head to get mad at, one who has those Boobalicious Desi Curves and who is Fated By The Arranged Marriage Star Signs To Marry Exotically Her Soulmate Rashmi. Like. It's so gross and orientalist and horrible it's like she walked off the set from Get Out or something like........the reason she thinks her and Rashmi are still friends is because Rupali is not a real human person to Kathy. Deadass. "Breathe. I run my hands through my hair, and try to keep my voice even. âOkay. Let me ask you something. Katherine. Can you tell me, plainly, why Iâm so pissed at you?â
Kathy doesnât reply." oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. oh my fuc-- "I canât take it anymore. I let out a scream of pure frustration and anguish. âWhy the hell did you stop me from leaving if you wonât even fucking admit it?!â" VALID TO SCREAM. VALID. "âBecause it hurts.â
Pounding blood, racing heart, ragged breaths, streaming eyesâit all stops at once. Itâs like a cacophony in my head has been silenced. I blink and lower my hands. Katherine is hunched over, hugging herself, rubbing her shoulders. Sobbing softly.
âWhat hurts?â I ask, my voice much smaller. "
God you can tell that "it hurts" hit rashmi like a psychic knife. Also the way kathy is like. shaking crying so sad or whatever and it's like. yeah okay people can't exactly control their emotional responses but what fucks with me so bad is that even in this encounter where kathy is allegedly going to apologize to rashmi. rashmi got fucking tone policed. rashmi is out here holding back her tears because she doesn't want to cry in front of the girl who hurt her fiancee (and her). rashmi is seeing kathy make herself all small and pathetic and it's like.........how is that fair. how is that ever fair. it's like.......it's the type of shit that makes you not even feel like a person. (it's the power of uwu sad white woman) "âAdmitting it.â Katherine sniffles loudly. âAdmitting that we were more than friends.â
Her turn to leave me speechless, I guess. I really donât know what to say. I stare at my own feet. Numb.
She admitted what I wanted her to admit, and I feel nothing." girl......................................... I mean I would feel nothing too girl I feel like it's kind of crazy that she's crashing the fuck out about "what do you mean we aren't friends" and "oh god it hurt ME so bad that i was INTO YOU" when like she abandoned you. she abandoned you. she betrayed you. she attacked your fiancee. she admits it, but it's like........"it hurts me to admit we were more than friends" it feels like you're treating her like your dirty little secret, kathy, it's like.....a complete centering of kathy feelings and no consideration for rashmi as a human being. Which, damn. I did think perhaps Kathy could grow, but she did not grow hard enough. This is the final nail in the final coffin. God fucking damn. I mean I guess I was putting too much hope in her because she was juuuuust learning that maybe she should, like, not expect her desi roommate to do unpaid labor lmfao. "Katherine turns around, facing away from me. âI know that Rupali did not steal you from me. I know that Rupali bears me no ill will, and that she did nothing to provoke me. But I have been trying, desperately, to avoid confronting what we were and what I did, because that would mean acknowledging thatâŚâ
She trails off, but Iâm not letting her get away with that. âAcknowledging what, Kathy?â
Kathy stops rubbing her shoulders. Her back straightens. âAcknowledging that I threw away our relationship for no good reason.â" Ah. So she admits it. Idk girl it's like okay good. you said it. you said exactly what I fuckin thought. But you knew that. You knew all of that. And you still attacked a girl who wanted to do nothing but help you. You committed to the bit. You still had agency, Kathy. ....I don't even know if she fully understands that she really did throw away their relationship for no good reason or if she's just saying what she thinks Rashmi wants to hear because Katherine has been spiralling for 3980984934 words about how she feels Super Mega Abandoned by Rashmi. "My hands close into fists. âTell me why. Give me a fucking reason, Kathy. Make it make sense.â
âI cannot make it make sense.â
I grab her shoulder and whirl her around. Her face is completely blank.
âI know that,â I say. âI know that your rationale is going to be stupid, and nonsensical, and contradictory, and maddening. But you have a rationale. You had reasons for doing this, and they made sense to you, even if they were bad reasons. So tell me the reasons, Katherine. I want to hear it. I want to hear why you broke my heart.â" Again very realistic depiction of like end of a toxic/abusive relationship because like. When you still care very deeply about that person, despite knowing how much harm they caused, what you want to know is like -- why. Why did you become this way. What the fuck happened. Why. Why. Why. And it's like. There's not really a good answer or one that will ever justify it, really. Like. There is no good reason. I know Rashmi is clinging to straws at this point, because this is like -- insanity inducing, but like....it's so kathover, I fear. There's no good reason. She didn't see you as a person. She certainly didn't see Rupali as a person. "âFine.â
Sheâs doing the thing again. Going from someone who obviously, undeniably cares about me to this frosty, cold, unfeeling exterior that runs away from me every chance she gets. But at least sheâs willing to spit it out now."
squints. Kathy switch moment perchance...? (to be clear you cannot blame your racist alter for racism that alter is still also you.) "âGreat.â I fold my arms. âI do have to salvage a relationship that actually matters, though, so I donât have all night. Make it quick.â
âAs you wish.â Katherine adjusts her headband and brushes her hair out of her face. âI did not believe you would actually want me.â
Thatâs it. I wait a few seconds, expecting more, but Katherine remains silent.
âAre you fucking kidding me?â I throw my hands up. âYou didnât believe Iâd want you? Is this your idea of a joke?â" i think i would genuinely crash the fuck out. also why the fuck is the burden on rashmi according to kathy's reasoning of things. like. rashmi is always the one who has taken initiative actually. rashmi is the one who made sure kathy ate when kathy was going through it. rashmi doing chores ended up being why kathy did chores. like. oh my fucking god. like. have we considered rashmi, too, might in fact have some insecurities, kathy? have we considered????????????????????? i get being insecure but there really is a point at which kathy makes up a rashmi and rupali in her head to get upset at and project all her insanities onto and like she literally admits with her own mouth earlier that she did this shit for no good reason and its like. so true kathy you really did all that shit because you had fucked up ideas about relationships and you're racist and you consistently gave into your most toxic impulses which include racism and you tripled down and now you expect to be little white girl exonerated about it with the implicit threat of "wahhhh if you don't center me how will I ever learn I can improve as a person" okay who is doing this for the (T)WOC. be honest. ...wow okay gonna hit reblog this is long why is this so long. lol.
I think I need to add more actual analysis to My livereacting. Comparing it to Helsinore makes Me think that too much of Mine is just what My particular view on any given moment is without providing any **Insight**, so I'm gonna try to give things more actual thought
Then again, I do My livereacts for My own sake rather than pleasing an audience, so who knows











