solacelifeever

I like you and you know that. You spend hours talking to me and then sometimes you leave me in the middle to talk to someone else. I can't be stand by for you. If you like me you'll come. You'll stay and you'll not leave me in between for someone else.

I'll not run for you. I would only run if you stay. I deserve everything that I cry myself to sleep after watching a romantic movie.

I'm worth the love I think I don't deserve.

"You are a diamond. Invest in yourself to shine bright"

Being bruised over and over again leaves you with very little amount of motive to work on self . So even if you have the slightest energy left for yourself grab that and work on it at the earliest before it dies.

It's been over an year that I have dipped into a pool and taken a swim. I should start the very moment. I'm gonna call the nearest swimming club and book myself a session.

Enough of sulking, no one will come and rescue me from my miseries. The only person to do so is me.

Did you just see the huge mood swing in this writing?

After months of chasing things that doesn't belong to me, I have chosen to change. Change is the only constant they say.

So, I'm off social media. Deleted every other media app that I had on my phone.

I need time to figure out myself. Benefits of cutting down junk from your life is that you channelize that time for something better.

I bought these new clothes last evenings to put on for a office party. I wanted to look A class. I wanted to make him jealous and want me more at the same time. He had told me long back he can't do relationships but is okay to take things casual. I'm not okay with that and want more out of my invested energy at this point in my life. So I made a total fool of myself in front of other office colleagues. Who saw me sloshed and somehow figured that I don't take rejections very well. In the process of making my self a matter of joke, I had a little wardrobe malfunction as well.

So here's what I'm gonna do. Take my new bought clothes to a tailor to fix them and make them new again.

Can I do that to my self esteem?

Lesson to self: Don’t go back to people who once broke you and disrespected you. Time changes situation but not the innate nature of human beings. People don’t change, that’s what is unique about them. 

We both know there is something growing between us. We both feel the vulnerability but we will not acknowledge that. We are too scared to name it and turn it into a reality. 

We come back to each other after every day. Spend the time updating each other about the days routine. Even watch some episodes of sitcom daily. We both enjoy each others company for those brief hours. 

I’m scared if I address the elephant in the room he will ghost me again and leave me.

I cried myself to sleep last night. The strange thing about expectation is that how hard you try to not build it up the more it creeps on to your back. These episodes have definitely lessened over the year however it will never go away.. will it?  Keeping a journal has helped me however the journey of BPD is really tiring. One moment you are high on life and love the other moment you question almost everything that made you happy.

The feeling of insecurity, paranoia doesn’t leave you. My therapist once told me people with BPD do not age well with all the stress living. This shit stung me.

Hope tomorrow is productive day at work so that I don’t have to think about this hopeless times over and over again.