+clarity:

i wonder if anyone will truly adore me. for negatives over positives. i wonder if anyone will treasure the way : that my decisions come tenfold, that when i grip my nails tend to draw blood, that my knee shakes for no reason, that i switch moods with a change of word, that i drink more than your average lush, that i am so focused on talking i forget to filter my thoughts. i wonder if anyone will truly love me. as i learn to love myself.

‘you aren’t mine,’ he said in a single breath as he pressed his body against hers. ‘you aren’t mine, you aren’t mine, you aren’t mine.’ he repeated the three words like a mantra as they tangled further into each other, gaze barely exchanged as they stormed their lives with alcohol infused decisions. she slid an arm around his neck, burying her head into the crook of it closing her red tinted eyes  for a split second. then she leaned slightly back and looked at him, a soft smile etched on her features that implied she knew everything yet, nothing at all. he watched as her hair slid back off her bare shoulder, a world of confusion in her eyes, as she straddled him closer. her nose touched against his. ’but there will always be a part of me that is yours. and wholly yours.’ she said quietly, certainty settled in her tone.

i always avoid the cracks  in the pavement claiming i value my mothers health over mine. kept my eye on the stars each night counting and checking, plotting maps on the ceiling of my bedroom. praying that my horoscope was either horribly wrong or horribly right. and last week no one understood why i cried, at each effortless crack in my mirrored compact. but i’d rather read my tea leaves and shake out an umbrella before i slot in the key because my direction is distorted and my head is a mess and these thoughts that flood me stop the unsteady unrest.

1. i so desperately wanted to be you. i couldn't see what people saw in me but easily saw what they saw in you. i resented your needle like legs and easy way of life. i wanted your kindness so badly i'd have sucked it out of you with my own venom had i had the chance. 2. i loved you. you hated me and i loved you so easily. no wrong you did to me could ever change that. i spat words at you because i knew no better and you did the same to me. i wanted you and you wanted me. but the way you desired was different to mine, ergo no resolve. 3. you were selfish but it was helpless. it was never a one sided conversation because the conversation was circular rolling softly around my troubles and crashing head on into yours. the night i lost my virginity i cried enough to fill your water bottle and you did not listen to me once.

and the word hopeless slips out of my mouth as a cigarette slips into it