:]

he isn’t in the wrong here. you are—why were you on the phone in the kitchen and not your room? what lucifer was doing hardly counted as eavesdropping, really. voices carry in the house as is, and you were being loud. as a matter of fact, he was on his way to tell you to quiet down, and he just so happened to be curious as to what you were talking about, and with whom.

“no, barbatos—don’t fucking laugh, this isn’t funny—” you could hardly speak, trying not to laugh yourself.

eyebrows raising in mild shock, lucifer leaned against the doorway, waiting for you to notice him. thinking about it—lucifer was being very courteous. he could’ve listened to barbatos’s end if he wanted to, but he had enough respect for him to refrain from doing so. he contained his “eavesdropping” to you out of the kindness of his heart and, as a result, he had no idea what—who—you were talking about.

“that man, look—that man. you get it. you get it. you’re the only one around here who knows my heart, i’m telling you.” 

the conviction in your voice stung him, jealousy simmering in his chest. he’d heard enough, he decided, and pushed off the doorway with his shoulder. he stepped towards you in silence, fully intending to interrupt this clearly fruitless conversation—

“lucifer is such a genuine problem, but there’s no solution.”

he stopped, eyes widening. was he a problem for you? why would you go to barbatos instead of him? what—

“that man is so sexy, it's like a disease. no, it—why are you laughing?” your laughter was loud, strong enough to have you leaning against the counter for support. 

lucifer blinked. once, twice, before your words sunk in. then, while you gasped for air, he continued towards you, pride swelling in his chest. a smirk settled onto his face, threatening to widen into a grin as he let you carry on.

you tried to continue talking as best you could, “barbatos, i am in distress—i am dismayed—do you know what i go through when he calls me to his office? do y—i have to prepare myself. i have to steel mys—you don't know what it's like.” you collapsed against the island in a fit of giggles, inhaling sharply to try and catch your breath. 

lucifer heard—because all bets were off now—lucifer heard barbatos in a similar predicament on the other end, chuckling quietly. for barbatos, that was quite close to hysterics. by that point, he'd truly heard enough. more than enough, actually. he thought it best to alert you to his presence, as a courtesy—otherwise, who knows what other secrets you might've spilled? and what if someone less kind heard you? that wouldn't do.

lucifer took a final, soundless step forward, standing close enough that you couldn't turn around without touching him. he reached forward, plucking your d.d.d. out of your hand with ease. you whipped around, and he inched closer, trapping you between him and the counter. “barbatos,” he drawled, grinning at you, “they'll have to call you back. apropos of nothing, of course.” 

perhaps not polite of him, but lucifer hung up before barbatos could respond. although—he imagined his friend was quite amused at the moment. he slid his free hand around your waist, to the small of your back, pressing you flush against him. your heartbeat was erratic—you were so dramatic, it was cute. he slid your d.d.d. into your back pocket, aware of the steady rise in your temperature. he kept his hand on the small of your back, bringing other up to your chin. lucifer enjoys eye contact, you understand, right? now—

so the opening monologue in alien superstar actually plays in lucifer's head whenever he gets ready. that's just true. he listens to beyonce holding herself in the Highest regard and applies it to himself because who's gonna tell him it doesn't apply. he IS that girl, MOVE! speaking of move, that's his second favorite song off the album. something about "move move move move, yeah you gotta move move—" really speaks to him [because that's what he thinks as he's walking literally anywhere with a lot of people. if he doesn't know anything at all he knows every1 better move out his way!]

dia's favorite is move as well because . he's the Prince . it is engrained into devildom customs that everyone has to move out of his way. as far as he's concerned ms carter made that song for him. and when she says "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" ? do not. do Not. that line is about him, lucifer and barb like WHAT. [bonus: his second favorite song is cuff it because he luvs a little feel good song, esp one about a night on the TOWN! also he sings "can i sit on top of you" directly to lucifer it's true it's- [GUNSHOTS]

levi won't admit it but he did listen to the album in private because he understands that he would be the worst kind of loser if he refused to listen to beyonce. his number one is cozy because singing it to himself enough does help him feel a little more comfortable being himself it's chrew it's the feel good beyonce effect! his second favorite is virgo's groove, but he thinks virgos absolutely did not deserve it. if he's being honest, barb deserved it; it should've been leo's groove, and he'll say it whenever he gets the chance but he still shakes ass trust and believe that.

satan's favorite is thique. don't ask him questions about it, her lower register does something to him mentally. his second favorite is he listened to the album on his own as well, and called barbatos as soon as he was done, just to say, "she's done it again." and the two of them met up immediately to listen to it together [they've been doing this since self-titled]. barb had him practice his club dancing again. [no, i'm never gonna let that go because why is barb such a menace and sexy abt it like MOVE!]

asmo has not let go of alien superstar or pure/honey. he refuses to turn them off. beyonce said "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and it was like she planted something in his brain. that woman said "bad bitches, to the left. money bitches, to the right. you could be both, meet in the middle, dance all night." and it was like she took half of his soul and bottled it to keep. he has a favorite song for every single scenario; alien superstar for when he's getting ready for school, pure/honey for when he's getting ready to go Out, thique for when he's getting ready to go see solomon -

so belphie heard "MOVE OUT DE WEY" and sat up in bed. like i was there and i watched it happen. beel can confirm because he was also at the listening party. he hasn't turned this album off either, quiet as he keeps it. it's all he plays in his headphones; he really does think beyonce laced it with something and that he's been enchanted [made worse by the fact that he does not care that he hasn't listened to anything else in weeks].

beel was actually eating during the listening party [so he could be in top form for beyonce] and then "flip-flop, flippy, flip-floppin' ass BITCH!" actually made him stop chewing. belphie can confirm. he is also very partial to thique because . come on . come On. he keeps thique, pure/honey, heated, and alien superstar on a loop whenever he works out; he has no room for anything else it's true. something about "all my pretty boys to the floor," "category: sex-y bitch, i'm the bar" and "ass gettin' bigger" really just . does something to him when he's in the weight room. no one has come within 20 feet of him while he works out since this album dropped.

solomon's favorite is all up in your mind. yes he thinks about lucifer whenever he plays it, which is 10 times a day. you know, he really just . feels like ms carter was reaching out to him with that one, like she knew what he goes through every day with lucifer because, really . all he wants to do is be in lucifer's mind and lucifer barely gives him the time of day >:[ . [bonus: solomon's second fave is move; asmo saw his eyes when beyonce said "me and my girlfriends, came out to play" and can confirm that move legitimately turned solomon into a pure-blooded demon for the duration of that line]

simeon's favorite is plastic off the sofa </3 . i literally don't even wanna write any notes like everything speaks for itself u just have to feel it to get it. no but he really likes her softer songs it's true he told me; he likes to listen to it on a loop while he cleans and makes dinner. [bonus: he was the last person to listen to the album [listened two days after drop], so mammon sent him church girl and told him he'd like it, as an incentive to make him listen to all of it. simeon was . Not expecting a song called church girl to sound like that, but it's his second favorite song on the album . don't tell mammon . his third favorite is virgo's groove. Do Not Tell Mammon .]

bonus : if you share a favorite song with any of these men it means your souls are holding hands. so if u share a top song with anyone other than your favorite man it's time to reconsider who your favorite man is

mammon disagreed, though his slow flush betrayed him. "don't speak for all of us when you just mean yourself, asmo—"

"what?" asmo giggled, setting his phone down to focus on mammon. "i'm just speaking for myself? am i just speaking for myself, beel?"

"no comment," said beel, still between mouthfuls.

"'no comment,' but your ears are red," belphie chuckled, watching his twin with a tired smile. "you're so predictable."

still chewing, beel defended himself. "if you tried half of the dishes he has to offer, you'd have a crush on him too."

lucifer was smirking from the head of the table. "belphie, you know your ears also turn red when you're embarrassed, don't you?"

belphie scowled. "so? i didn't deny anything."

beel swallowed, pausing, "wait, you too, belphie?"

belphie dropped his head to his arms as if to sleep, dinner disregarded. "no comment."

"wait, lucifer," you turned to him, "do you have a crush on barbatos?"

he tilted his head to the side, more comfortable than ever. "you know he and i have known each other for a long time, right?"

you felt heat prickling your face, indignant—though it didn't stop you from sputtering, "what—just answer the question—"

"why? are you jealous?" lucifer's smirk settled into a grin. "it's nothing to be ashamed of, anyone would feel threatened by someone like barbatos."

lucifer was looking straight through you, entirely too amused by you and the situation.

"should i invite you along the next time he and i are out? would that help—"

"excuse me," satan interrupted, fed up, "have you forgotten that there are other people here?"

"right? break it up, you two," mammon huffed, arms crossed. "this is a family show."

"so, to be clear, lucifer, you do have a crush on barbatos then." satan smirked, more to himself, "so predictable."

lucifer slid his eyes to satan, gaze still predatory. "do you think we forgot about that little club dancing lesson? we were all there."

satan's eyes widened, pink creeping onto his face. "what—"

"oh, i remember that! i was so jealous, i couldn't breathe," groaned asmo, "and satan was so unappreciative!"

"hold it—i never said i didn't appreciate it." satan was fully flushed. "it just caught me off guard, how was i supposed to react?"

"ah," drawled lucifer, entertained, "so, to be clear, satan, you do have a crush on barbatos. so predictable."

before satan could counter, however, lucifer had already moved on.

"mammon—"

the second-born turned away from lucifer. "what? leave me out of this."

"mammon," lucifer started again, tugging on mammon's now reddened ear, "you're always talking about how perfect barbatos is, aren't you?"

mammon gripped his wrist to force his hand away, miffed, "so what? like i'm wrong?"

"you're totally not wrong, but you talk about it more than any of us do," asmo chirped, poking mammon's cheek for emphasis.

mammon swatted at asmo's hand. "oh, like it can be overstated? get a grip!"

"this is the best argument he's put up in a long time," satan noted, genuinely impressed. "barbatos brings out the best in him even when he's not around."

"and why are we focused on me when we should be focused on levi?"

levi's jaw dropped in indignation. "okay, what the fuck? i haven't said a word this entire time!"

"yeah, because you were hoping we would forget about you," accused mammon.

asmo hummed in agreement, "don't think we forgot about how you tried to get him to cosplay your little anime butler."

satan nodded, continuing, "and don't think we didn't hear about how you made him say that 'famous line,' or whatever—"

levi covered his mouth with the back of his hand, dismayed, "oh, like any one of you is any better than me? leave me alone—"

"levi, dear, we are better than you, at least we're normal about our crushes," said asmo, trying to pull levi's hand away from his face.

"normal!?" levi sputtered, eyes wide, "you can't keep your hands to yourself, and you call yourself normal?"

"oh? this is news to me," said lucifer, crossing his arms. "asmo, explain yourself."

"wait—" belphie lifted his head from his arms, turning to you— "what about you?"

your throat ran dry as everyone's eyes landed on you, expectant. intelligently, you pointed to yourself. "me?"

"yes, you," said beel, still chewing at a time like this.

"ah, well, i—you know i haven't really...i haven't really thought about it, i—"

"oh, you—you haven't really...you haven't really thought about it?" asked lucifer, mocking your embarrassment.

your lips parted in shock. you weren't expecting a mere discussion about barbatos to make lucifer more wicked than usual, and yet—

"i really haven't—"

"mm, then why did you ask?" hummed asmo, batting his eyelashes at you, as if you weren't in the middle of a personal rapture.

"i was just curious, really, he's very..." you trailed, losing your words.

"cool?"

"handsome?"

"talented?"

"charming?"

"well, yes, all of those, but—i was going to say he just seems like someone who has a lot of admirers."

"yeah, and we wanna know if you're one of them" drawled belphie, smirking now, "don't be shy."

"isn't it obvious? of course they are," said satan. "that's just the effect barbatos has on people. it was inevitable, really."

mammon snorted, flicking his chin towards satan. "are you trying to convince yourself or us, library rat?"

"library what—say that again—"

blessedly, the attention of the table focused itself elsewhere, and you were left alone. for now, anyway. halfway through mammon and satan's argument ("argument," satan wanted blood), your d.d.d. lit up with a notification.

barbatos: how are you?

to which you replied, fine; we're having dinner. we actually just got done talking about you

barbatos: oh? all good things, i hope.

of course! we all love you, don't you know?

you set your phone down after that, opting to pay attention to the fact that satan was about to violate the geneva conventions at the dinner table—not like they had geneva down there, but you understand.

condition number one: he needs to be among friends. if he’s with you, dia, and barb, he is Way more likely to be comfortable with letting himself relax, as opposed to if he were with his brothers or in public. that is not to say that he would Never let loose with his brothers, but it’s more likely if it’s just the four of you.

condition number two: whoever is with him needs to be drunk. they need to be getting drunk at the same time as him, and they need to be as drunk as him, or Much Worse; somewhere in that territory.

condition number three: he needs to be drunk, whatever that means to you—be it tipsy or totally sloshed, he needs to be inebriated somehow. like, “gushing-about-his-brothers-and-willing-to-cuddle-up-to-them” drunk. that’s a good time to put music on and observe.

now: lucifer allegedly only deals with classical music, but once he is inebriated and among friends, it’s a different story. this begs the question—what club song could Possibly make him go feral (but in, like a fun, unnervingly attractive way)?

he’s still classy, even when he’s inebriated, so it’s a classic. A Classic.

and it is Beautiful Liar by Beyonce, feat. Shakira, argue with the wall

once those opening notes reach his ears? he is pulling Someone to dance, and now that you’re here, it’s you; but before you, when he and dia and barb would have one of their Rare nights off, it was the two of them.

if you’re Lucky, it’ll be all four of you. you really want it to be all four of you.

[bonus: he’s also partial to Hips Don’t Lie…so if he’s drunk and that song comes on…idk someone is getting sandwiched, is all i’m saying!]

mammon

what conditions need to be met for mammon to lose it to a song? none. literally none. he’ll lose his mind when he’s sober, at home, in the kitchen, the living room, his room; he doesn’t have any shame when it comes to a good song; especially if you or asmo are there.

asmo because those two are the resident partygoers & it probs goes without saying that they dance together often, esp since the brothers don’t have qualms about dancing together in canon

and you because you’re You, and he will use any excuse to touch or be near you, obviously

now, should he be in a club, among friends, maybe a little buzzed, what song makes him stop whatever he’s doing, grab you, and report to the dance floor Expeditiously?

Promiscuous, by Nelly Furtado, feat. Timbaland.

it’s something about this song that just makes him wanna get up and bust a mf move.

he can’t control it, it’s not his fault! don’t complain, dance with him [if you look at him and sing nelly’s parts he Will step out of his physical form!]

levi

oh, what, you think he never listens to “normie music” ? you’re absolutely right.

he never listens to it , when he’s sober. much like how he wouldn’t really dance, if he were sober.

basically, the only condition for levi is to get him drunk enough that he forgets he’s shy.

but, how could he know any human world “normie” songs if he doesn’t listen to them regularly?

it’s asmo and mammon.

undoubtedly, those two blast music from their rooms; it’s just a matter of which songs stuck with him.

one time, mammon was blasting the song Pose (Yo Gotti, Feat Meg & Uzi), and levi didn’t care about it, really—until he heard Megan.

her part got stuck in his head, to the point that he looked up the lyrics to listen again, found who she was, and listened to her other music—in secret, of course; nobody could know he was listening to a literal Normie

until he found out that, like, she watches anime & listens to kpop and therefore, by those metrics, is not a normie. of course, he didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t wanna have that conversation with mammon or asmo.

she’s just about the only non j/k-pop artist he listens to of his own volition

that said, which song of hers makes him fully lose control of himself?

it’s Hot Girl. don’t ask questions, he can’t make the song bad, and he can’t help that it makes him feel like a hot girl, so, legally, you are required to dance with him while his self-esteem is up!

[bonus: he’s also Extremely partial to Material Girl and Cpr because he is always on his phone.]

satan

it’s actually canon that he’s bad at, like, club style dancing [one of the later lessons, i believe; either 40 or 50 something, but anyway], so you’re not getting him to do anything while he’s sober. there’s your first condition.

are there other conditions? not really, but if you were in a private setting, you’d have a much easier time getting him to dance.

he’s not like lucifer or levi; he doesn’t claim to like a certain genre of music [although he is very partial to: rap by women, country music by women, preferably when they’re talking about killing men, and pierce the veil] because he really will listen to anything

then, what song will pull him, and, by extension, You, to the dance floor?

just like lucifer, he is still classy, and his song, naturally, is another classic.

and it would be: Rude Boy by Rihanna

it’s something about that woman and this song that turns satan into a different person for its duration. he doesn’t know what it is, he just knows he needs a partner, and that partner had Better be you [or barb. omg who said that—]

do not play with him when this song comes on; if you don’t have your back to his chest in exactly four seconds he’s gonna be pissed at you for the rest of the night.

asmo

a better question would be “which songs Don’t make asmo go feral?”

what are the conditions? none. dance with him wherever, whenever, regardless of how sober he may or not be—as a matter of fact, dance with him right now—

however, we are working with a club setting, regardless, so which song is going to turn him into a man Possessed (which is saying a lot)?

pick a britney spears song, literally.

that is, admittedly, low hanging fruit because he definitely listens to her all the time, but i’m still right. now, if you’re looking for another song—

it’s gotta be Obsessed by Mariah Carey (either the original or the one w/ Gucci Mane, it doesn’t matter)

when that song comes on…When That Song Comes ON?

he can’t be held responsible for his actions.

he’s not even there, he’s on a different plane of existence, mariah is commandeering his physical form, and he is a mere bystander!!

he is going to Materialize behind you, hands on your hips, and don’t you dare try to escape!

beel

now,

beel isn’t really a dancer.

he can dance and dance Well, don’t ever get it twisted, but a lot of the time, he really isn’t moved to unless you or mammon or belphie wants to

but there’s hardly ever a time when he feels Forced by a song. he’ll nod his head to music, but he’s never really compelled by the strength of a song, unless—

he’s been drinking. it takes A Lot for him to even get tipsy, i would imagine, and a lot more for him to actually be drunk, but he still Can; you have your condition.

once this condition is met, then, what song . is capable of fully possessing this man?

SOS by Rihanna. it’s on his workout playlist and everything.

the opening notes of this song make his ears twitch, even though he doesn’t know it

but once it starts, don’t be surprised when, out of nowhere, he is directly in front of you

he’s gonna ask you if you wanna dance, but his hands are very much already on you, so it’s not really like you can tell him no

belphie

here is a man who Really isn’t a dancer

it’s not that he Can’t, it’s just that he usually won’t, unless you or beel want to, and even then, you have about four, five songs before he wants to rest

he doesn’t need to be drunk, because that’ll make him sleepy, and he doesn’t necessarily need to be in private because he doesn’t much care about who’s present, as long as you and beel are.

he’ll ask you to dance for any song that he likes, really, just because he’ll use any excuse to be near you [he and mammon are Just alike], so his version of going feral is going to be an instance wherein he doesn’t ask you at all

so, what song would just have him Overcome with the urge to dance with you, to the point that he stops what he’s doing, takes your hand, and whisks you away to dance?

Need to Know, by Doja Cat.

is it because he really, really loves the song, or because there’s no better song for him to tease you with? yes.

when doja hits that “—come—ride—me—” line, so does he. among other lines, of course (with the breathiness to match), but that one, especially, and directly into your ear, too; i think we need to have him put away.

dia

well—

let’s start with the conditions.

condition number one: first and foremost, barbatos has to let him party. if his work isn’t done, barbatos isn’t letting him do a fucking thing!

condition number two: he needs to be among friends; it’s canon that people will, like, mob him [very strange writing, if you ask me!] so he can’t be in a club; it’d need to be a private party; most ideally, one of his off nights with barb & luci, & now you

condition number three, albeit not Necessary; just more fun: he needs to be drunk. not because he wouldn’t dance if he were sober—trust me, he Would—but because lucifer won’t dance if he [and barb, and now you!] doesn’t also drink to accompany him

so, what song would be enough to get him to stop what he’s doing and pull one of the three of you [or all of you]

that would be Busy Boy, by Chloe X Halle [with 80/20 as a strong contender!]

he doesn’t know what it is, honestly, he thinks they laced that song with something, because something about it [really, the harmonizing. probably the harmonizing.] just makes him very…he steps out of character a little bit, is all.

is that his fault? no! there is nothing he can do about his inexplicable need to be sandwiched between two people whenever that song comes on; it has nothing to do with him, don’t ask questions, join the sandwich, he’s the prince & it’s the law.

barbatos (affectionate)

[fun fact, he’s the one who gave me the inspo to write these in the first place because it’s canon that he is Excellent at club dancing, and it’s, in asmo’s words, “SO sexy!” & fun fact, the same scene where we learn satan is bad at club dancing & barb is good at it, barb actually pulls him to dance—while completely sober. girl i was on the floor hyperventilating, couldn’t see, about to pass out—]

there are only two conditions here, but one of them is a Very tall order

condition number one: First And Foremost, dia needs to be taken care of. meaning—his work needs to be done & he needs to be somewhere barb knows where he is, & he needs to be enjoying himself. Very Difficult condition to reach, but not at all impossible.

condition number two: he needs to be among friends. he has a reputation to uphold, not just anyone can know he’s good at club style dancing, that is information for his inner circle Only!

he has no need to drink, but he will to make lucifer comfortable, even though he never actually gets Drunk; he’ll maybe drink enough to get a long-lasting flush, but he’ll still have his bearings.

once he’s comfortable enough, he’ll dance to whatever song he likes, much like belphie or mammon or asmo,

but what song would get him to steal someone [read: you, or satan, or lucifer, or simeon, or solomon, probably] to dance with?

you know barb is classy, so we have another classic. a Timeless one.

& it would be Freakum Dress by Beyonce. and don’t ask him questions about it.

that song…he doesn’t know what comes over him, but he won’t rest until he has at Least one partner for it, and it needs to be by the time beyonce says “i think i’m ready!”

he will be between someone and someone else once the song gets going because that is just who he is!

ideally he needs exactly two bodies and if you're lucky you'll be one of them ^_^

luckily, everyone loves him, so no one would refuse a dance with him, ever [i hc that everyone has a crush on him, or has had one before, and i believe it so strongly that i’m starting to think it’s canon]

[bonus: he is also VERY partial to Rude Boy, so you’d better Hope that he isn’t around at the same time satan is, otherwise you’re getting both of them. or, hope that he is around. quickly, which one do you want in front of you, and which one behind you? because personally, i—]

simeon

let’s get the most obvious condition out of the way—luke needs to be taken care of (in the same way as dia) before he can do any kind of dancing. that is first and foremost.

condition number two: he does need to be a little tipsy, which won’t take long at all. just enough alcohol to make him lower his inhibitions like half an inch.

condition number three: he absolutely needs to be among friends, in a private setting. as an angel, he cannot have the general devildom population seeing him dance the way he does whenever barb and/or solomon get their hands on him; it wouldn’t be a good look for him, even though it is fun

he’s not too shy about dancing, so he would ask someone [you or barb, probably] to dance with no issue, so the Question here is—

what song would make him steal someone in the same way as barbatos? what song could possibly move him enough?

well, simeon is timeless and classy, so it follows that only a song of that nature could do the trick.

and it’s gotta be No Scrubs by TLC. it has to be!

that song just has a certain flavor, a certain spice, something about it has him on his feet and taking someone by the arm!

somehow, he appears next to you to whisk you away as soon as the opening registers in his ears; don’t ask him how he got there from across the room, just enjoy the dance, thank you very much!

[bonus: he also really likes the song Ms. Jackson by OutKast, and he will collect you for that one too, but only if you’re nearby. if not, he’ll dance to himself; or, dance to himself as much as he can before solomon or barbatos materialize behind him.]

solomon (derogatory)

there are no conditions. he has no shame.

he is just like asmo, there isn’t a single condition you need to meet for him to dance; he only needs people to do it with [and they would be, ideally: you, asmo, barbatos, and/or simeon]

he doesn’t need anything to drink unless he wants something, and because he’s so well-liked, he doesn’t need to be in a private setting or with his inner circle

like some of the others, he’ll dance to whatever song he likes, with anyone he likes, so,

the question here is, which song makes solomon, in age-old human fashion, think to himself “this is my song” ? which song has his body making a beeline for one of his preferred partners?

there’s only one song that comes to mind. i had this song picked from the very beginning.

No Hands, feat. Roscoe Dash & Wale. no further questions!

this song turns him into someone he isn’t, which is saying a lot. he needs someone either at his back or at his chest as Soon as it reaches his ears and that’s that!

he can throw or catch, it doesn’t matter to him, he likes to do both

[“throw or catch what, op?” u should not be on this post!]

if you’re in his line of sight, he’ll look directly at you and say “come on—” in time with the song, and when that happens, you Have to go! it’s above both of you at that point

lucifer

it wasn’t your fault. to be honest, it was lucifer’s. you didn’t tell him not to wear his turtleneck that night, that was a decision he made entirely of his own volition. why was his neck exposed to begin with? why was he so relaxed? so what if he was in the comfort and privacy of his office—he should know better than anyone that he could be disturbed at any moment. this was all his fault.

you were in his office, just to make sure he went to bed at a reasonable time—a direct request from the crown, mind you—and he asked you to look at something on his phone. levi had said something with an excessive amount of human slang, and he needed you to translate. it was a more frequent occurrence than he would care to admit, but that was neither here nor there.

you walked around to his side of the desk, bending down to get a better look at his phone, probably to tell him that “XD” is not a word or abbreviation, when you glanced to your right. there was no rhyme or reason to it; if someone asked you why, you would've said “just 'cause.”

basically, essentially, more or less, what happened was this:

you saw that his neck was exposed, so, you, like any reasonable person, bit him. it was more of a nom, really, there were hardly any teeth, and even if there Were a lot of teeth—and there weren’t—it’s not like you would’ve been able to hurt Lucifer Morningstar with your Blunt Human Teeth any goddamn way. 

lucifer, however, is more focused on the principle of the fact that you just bit him for fun. he was quite upset, albeit at first it was because he thought you’d been turned into a vampire and he’d been none the wiser until you decided to sink your teeth into him. upon finding out that you weren’t a vampire, just deranged, he was just confused. once you explained to him that it was something you did with your human friends all the time, that it was a form of affection between friends—he understood, and he was fully prepared to make you regret your actions. 

now, he just Bites you. whenever the two of you are alone, his teeth are in your neck. it doesn’t even matter if your guard is up, do you actually think any guard you have is a match for him? he feels no need to wait for chances, either. if you’re across the room, he’ll tell you to come to him. if your neck isn’t open, he will simply take your chin in his hand and create an opening. what’s worse is that you can’t lean away without leaving yourself open, and it just makes him want to keep doing it—your best bet is to just take it. not to mention it’ll hurt his feelings if you don’t, aren’t you guys friends?

if you resist too much, it could be dangerous, too. he’s only careful with his fangs Sometimes, and he doesn’t pay attention to which side of your neck he’s biting. in other words, move too much and your jugular…well, it doesn’t matter. don’t you trust him?

mammon

now here is someone who you should one-hundred percent be biting at all times. he will vehemently deny that he likes doesn’t mind it when you bite him, but the first time it happened is what set the precedent.

the two of you were actually having a sleepover in his room—his idea, he was upset that the others had spent a lot of time with you, as usual—trouble is, mammon does not wear clothes to sleep. it took a lot of nagging from you for him to wear shorts and a tank top because he was dead set on only putting on shorts for like ten minutes. you might have liked it if he was only wearing shorts, but you decided to have a modicum of shame for once. until, like, you bit him, that is.

this time, it kind of was your fault. you should have told him to wear a t-shirt instead of a tank top. maybe if the junction between his neck and shoulder were covered, you would have had some sense. in your defense, you didn’t tell him to sit damn near on top of you; he did that all on his own. why did he leave himself so vulnerable to your teeth in the first place? and then had the audacity to scream once you bit him—once again, more of a nom, hardly any teeth—

he calmed down after a few minutes of you trying to explain to him that you were only doing it because you consider him a close friend, the same as your friends from back home, he understood, kind of. called you a weirdo at least three times, but he was still damn near on top of you, so you could see how they were just empty words. 

on one hand, now you can bite him just about whenever you want, albeit he would prefer it if it were just the two of you. on the other hand, now, whenever he feels like he hasn’t seen you enough [which is all the time, just about], he just sinks his teeth into whatever part of you is easiest to reach to get your attention. it usually ends up being your ears or your cheek, sometimes your jaw or your shoulder—he likes to mix it up. the only downside, if you’re a person with shame, is that mammon is quite careless with his fangs. not enough to draw blood, but enough to scratch you and leave marks. he does that on purpose.

levi

you are a twisted individual, and your actions are indefensible. it took you months to be able to touch him casually—months to sit shoulder to shoulder, to put your legs over his, to hug him—and you…so this is what happens:

the two of you are watching an anime, as you do, and a character in the show kisses their friend on the cheek. a normal occurrence between friends, happens all the time. of course, levi didn’t think so, being someone who doesn’t really have friends, and thus, does not know the full scope of platonic affection. thinking about it now, this is really levi’s fault—that does not mean you aren’t deranged, but the blame is his.

you tried to explain to him that friends did that all the time, that friends could really do whatever they wanted, but he insisted that it was unrealistic, so, you, in your infinite jest, leaned over and bit his ear. it actually was more of a bite this time, there was a bit of teeth, just because you wanted him to stop talking.

here’s what you failed to consider, outside of levi’s general feelings towards physical contact. that man is a self proclaimed otaku, right? cool, whatever. logical thinking tells us that this means he reads a fair number of fanfics. how many fics have you read wherein ear biting either leads to or is part of smut. you know it’s a lot. you Know it’s a lot. so, now you know exactly what went on in levi’s mind as soon as your teeth made contact, and you can understand exactly why he blacked out. 

you couldn’t even call for help, either, because who wants to explain this kind of thing to literally anyone? you were stuck fanning him until he woke up, which, thankfully, was a few minutes later, but, unfortunately for you, he was bright red from the collarbones up and could not form a coherent sentence for about two minutes. he has a similar reaction every time you bite him. he stopped losing consciousness after the first time, but the flushing is not going away any time soon.

given the way he reacts whenever you bite him, it’s only natural for you to expect that he won’t bite you back. that’s not at all the case, but it makes sense that you would expect that. what actually happens is that whenever he feels the barest hint of envy, and it has something to do with you, his teeth are in whatever part of you is closest to him. the two of you are usually sat side by side, so you get a lot of shoulder bites, a lot of bites at the base of your neck. if you ever want him to lay off, though, all you have to do is point out the fact that he seems to enjoy biting you. if you Really want him to stop, ask him if you taste good and then watch him speed run the five stages of grief.

satan

you think levi reads smut?

you have no idea what came over you, but since satan is your dear friend, assume you were overwhelmed by platonic love and the power of friendship. or, maybe you were just tired, and you weren’t thinking. that was actually probably it, since he was reading to you. 

the two of you were close enough by that point that he let you lay on him, even though it was more of your head on his stomach. his shirt had ridden up, probably from you moving your head around, and as soon as you noticed it, his hip was a goner. 

lucky for you, he didn’t react too terribly to your teeth in his hip, given that your bite wasn’t a painful one, and the two of you are friends. he might have interrogated you for several minutes so he could know Exactly why you decided to do that, but that’s not the worst thing in the world. 

what is the worst thing in the world is that, now that you’ve unlocked this boundary, he has taken advantage of it ten times more than you. what is doubly unfortunate is that you bit a part of his exposed torso, and now he knows he can do the same to you. what’s more, he is the Same as lucifer. just shameless and insatiable. 

if he’s sitting down, and you’re standing, great! easier access for him. if you’re both standing, understand that he is not above laying you across the nearest surface just to sink his teeth into your stomach. if you’re wearing a cropped shirt, once again, great for him! however, if your shirt isn’t cropped, he’s pushing it up, and if it’s tucked in—you’re just gonna have to retuck it. 

even better—since it’s your stomach and your hips he’s after, he really doesn’t think he has to be careful about leaving marks. he isn’t so cruel as to draw blood, provided you haven’t upset him, but he is less careful with his teeth than he would be if it were your shoulder or neck. he does take Some care not to cause you, like, unbearable pain; however, his bites do sting, so you’ll just have to live with that. as a final note, if it does hurt a lot, try not to, like, cry out in pain or anything like that. he is a canon sadist.

asmo

… you knew what you were doing, harlot. 

nobody is going to believe that you are so unwell that you didn’t give any thought to putting your mouth on the avatar of lust. a more likely story is that you did think about it, and, ultimately, you decided to deal with the consequences as they came. a bold move if there ever was one. 

the two of you were doing what you usually did—that is to say, you were out shopping, and he was making you try on any and everything that he thought you’d look good in. he was also making you watch him try on any and everything that he thought He would look good in, so, basically, you were in majolish for a full day. he made it fun for you, though, pulling you close, twirling you around and whatnot. it just so happens that, in doing so, he left himself vulnerable to your teeth. 

he was in the fitting room stall with you, with the door open, since he was only helping you adjust a piece he wanted to see you in. he turned you around so that you were facing him, gushing about how cute you were, as he does. his face was pretty close to yours—asmo has a thing for being nose to nose with you, for some reason—so, as thanks, you just…his cheek was right there—

asmo was stunned for maybe half a second, before he shut the fitting room door and pressed you against it. he was Quite pouty when you explained to him that it was a friendly, platonic bite, and not what he was thinking. of course, asmo isn’t one to force people into things, so he stopped coming onto you soon after your explanation. however—

now that he knows there’s a new level of affection he’s been granted access to, just about every inch of skin that you leave exposed has been subject to asmo and his teeth. there’s hardly any part of you that has escaped him, but it isn’t so bad. his bites don’t hurt, and they won’t, unless you ask. really, it’s more of a tickle than anything, and isn’t that so much better than satan and them? 

the only trouble is that he wants you to bite him more. a lot more, actually. you have a sneaking suspicion that he’s a bit too into it, but whenever you try to bring it up, he just pouts and goes “aren’t we friends?” with offensively sad eyes. it’s not like he’s wrong, though; you guys Are friends! be more generous with your bites, he likes the feel of your teeth.

beel

this is arguably the most dangerous thing you’ve done since climbing the stairs to that damn attic. of course, you didn’t really understand that until after you did it. 

the two of you were in his room, not really doing much of anything. beel said the two of you would eat snacks together, but, unsurprisingly, he was eating most of the snacks, and you were mostly on your d.d.d. however, there was One snack you were particularly interested in trying—some gummy worms that actually moved like worms—and when you went to reach for the package, you saw that it wasn’t where you left it, nor was it anywhere in the room. 

almost immediately you realized that chances were, beel ate them, package and all. you knew better than to be mad at him, given how nightmarish his appetite was, but you’re only human. you couldn’t help being slightly irritated, if not genuinely upset. so, what happened next is only natural. you were right next to him, after all. 

that said, no one can really blame you for a warning bite to the jaw. luckily, beel didn’t seem all that fazed; he just thought you wanted to eat something that was hanging out of his mouth. when you explained to him that, no, you weren’t trying to eat something As He Was Eating It, and that it was for him eating your candy, he seemed a bit sad.

he didn’t mean to eat your candy, it just happened, and he told you so. you said it was fine, that the bite was a friendly one, but to refrain from eating your snacks in the future. 

everything seemed to be fine, and then—

“so, next time i want to eat something that i can’t have, i’ll just bite you instead.”

beel said it with such genuine happiness, like he’d just come up with the greatest idea in the world, that you almost didn’t correct him. even with your correction, your reminder that he shouldn’t bite you all the time, especially with a jaw like his, he still winds up biting you whenever the two of you are together. it’s usually your jaw or your neck, since those are what’s easiest for him to reach, so, unfortunately for you, those spots have perpetual bite marks. he has a strong jaw, he can’t help it! besides, he thinks you look pretty with them, if that helps ^_^

belphie

he had this coming. first he kills you, is a general nuisance, and now he wants to pull you into his indolence when you have things to do? unbelievable. 

you were passing through the living room, in front of the couch, when belphie’s hand shot out and grabbed yours. he’d barely been awake, it looked like, but you knew he was fully coherent, the bastard.

“you promised you’d nap with me today,” he said, already pulling you closer, “come.”

“it is ten in the morning, i said we could have an afternoon—”

belphie interrupted your complaint when he pulled you on top of him, arms wrapped around your middle to keep you from trying to escape. this was rather inconvenient for you for about eight reasons, but the most pressing one was that lucifer was expecting you in his office within the hour. you should not have told him that, at all, but you thought the risk of a punishment from the eldest might prompt him to let you go. this was not the case at all, as you soon learned. 

as soon as you said you needed to meet with lucifer, pushing yourself up with your arms as best you could, you saw horns growing out of belphie’s scalp. expectedly, he looked Quite displeased. 

“you want to abandon me for my brother? my worst brother? that won’t do.”

he’d coiled his tail around your torso and tightened, effectively trapping you. so, after inconveniencing you so terribly, nobody can blame you for sinking your teeth into his jaw. it was a true bite this time, with a good amount of teeth, which, to be frank, was warranted. 

what was unwarranted, in your humble opinion, was his reaction. it wasn’t that he was upset with you or anything, it was the fact that he laughed at you. you knew there was no way it hurt, but the smug look on his face, along with his dumb little giggle, was just insult to injury. 

“you missed my neck, do you wanna try again?”

so, as you can imagine, belphie doesn’t really care when you bite him, since, to him, it tickles. what he does care about, though, is the fact that he can bite you now—and he does. a lot. like, obscenely often. he has no class, either, he does it when he wants to, regardless of whether or not there are people around or if you’re doing something. you can expect to be minding your business whenever belphie appears behind you and wraps an arm around your waist—just to make sure you can’t escape what’s to come.