hard to be soft, tough to be tender

And I would do it all over, even knowing the pain. This joy is unmatched. Knows no equal.

I have built this all myself. I and the magic of the Universe alone have built the foundation of my wildest dreams.

Everything I have been dreaming of for two years becomes real in just over two weeks. Reality and sweet dreaming, melding into one beautiful thing instead of every terror I have known before.

I feel so blessed and so impatient to start the rest of my life that the hardest part is the waiting. The waiting and the mindless labor of packing and moving.

I want it to be over and done so that I can finally sleep next to him again and take that first bath in the tub.

We both feel it, undoubtedly, and I have never been so excited to be alive and be in the moment.

Everything I have invested my faith in is about to blossom-because I believe it will. Because I have fueled it with stardust. 🌱✨️

My lion loves me just as much as I love him, but he is still scared that he will have to repeat his same familiar sufferings. Still secretly scared that his one safe person will become someone who changes into something ugly.

After I picked him up on Thursday night after work, he launched pretty directly into everything I already knew he was thinking- he is so thankful for everything I have done, everything I am doing, and everything I will continue to do in loving him. So grateful for me, his best friend. So grateful for my patience and unwavering determination that has made this all happen. He spent quite a few miles cruising down the interstate and talking softly about the future. Every one of those hushed, tender conversations is equally parts truth and fear.

"Would you still be doing all that you're doing even if you knew that we wouldn't end up together?"

He asks because he knows the answer, but needs to hear it: my love for him is not conditional. I just want him to live a good life and be happy. That is all I've wanted above anything.

The final word on that is what we both know: patience will lead him back to me entirely. My present is his presence. He already knows that my love for him is different than any love he's been promised before. The way he talked to me on Thursday night while I drove us back home solidifies everything I've known the whole time: he loves me, he has always loved me, and he cannot stop himself from loving me.

"If you keep believing what you believe, we're both going to get what we want. You just want to be happy. And I just want to be happy. If you keep believing, we are going to"

The love of my life, taking my hair down while I drive, and running his hand through it. Pulling it so slightly, so teasingly, watching my every reaction: every soft little sigh and moan. We belong to each other just as much as we have always belonged to each other. Two strange little birds, cheeping and chirping the whole night away. He told me what I already know in my heart to be true: I only have to keep being patient and keep being me. That man loves me, and I have never ever been so sure. There is a reason we made our way back to each other.

We stayed up late-all night, actually-and fell asleep tangled together, drunk, watching trash TV and his hand under my shirt settled on my bare breast. We got a little nap before I had to wake up to arrange the rest of our stay and get to my nail appointment. We got some BK breakfast and I dropped him back at the hotel.

We both drank and fell asleep pretty early on Friday, we definitely needed some rest and all through the night I could feel him pull me closer and put his arm around me, or cover me with the blankets. Such a soft love I get to receive. What a life.

Saturday morning we slept in, and I got to wake up next to my favorite thing on two legs. After too long I got a shower and he took a little nap, then the UFC fight started. What fun we had, drinking and causing problems in our own sweet way. Drunkenly interacting with strangers and making eyes at each other. He even drove my car. 😂😅

And Sunday. The sweetest Sunday. We woke up, and I was feeling sick and achy with a pounding head after a night of drinking. But my lion took such good care of me. He brought me water and found my Advil in the car, and was so gentle with me. So sweetly and so softly. He made sure I ate and let me lay in bed until I was feeling better.

"If I ask myself if you would do the same for me, I already have my answer."

The man knows me.

We checked out of our last hotel stay, and then we headed to the beach. We found a nice little one that I think is our new favorite. And after that he even met Daniel and Ant without feeling too anxious.

And then there was the rain. All the hundreds of miles I drove thinking it would rain, but right as I was getting ready to leave there was the loudest thunder and the sky opened up on us. It rained as we held each other one last time before we parted ways, and for that moment we were one in the water.

And every moment since.

All my hard work, my planning, my patience, and my loyalty to the dream are finally paying off.

It's all coming together. We officially move in on the 22nd of June. A new address, a new life, with all the things I've ever hoped for.

Look at me, kissed by the Universe in so many ways.

1 + 1 = 1

Every time we are reunited, it is deeper. Every time it is bigger and more.

I'm never going to be able to thank him enough for everything he is, the ways he heals me, and all the ways he shows me his love.

We had such a beautiful long weekend together of drinking and goofing around, giggling together in bed holding each other, his hand in my hair. How sweet and magical our shared time always is. Our love is so tender and pure, wholesome in our genuine desire for the other's happiness, comfort, and well-being.

Once again, a world where doors are held open for me and I have help with small tasks without even having to vocalize my needs. He is always right there and he always knows. Usually before I do.

We are two strange birds of the only kind, cheeping and chirping our own happy little song back and forth to each other. 🪶

My patience is being rewarded. Our hands laced together. Falling asleep effortlessly in his arms. Being held, trusted, confided in. Loved - real love. He reaches for my hand more often when we're together now. Reaches for all of me, really. Laying close and giggling, entwined with our legs coiled around each other and breathing each other in, pressed together like pages in a book, adhered with longing. He tells me all the time how good I smell and how soft I am.

I am still finding little love notes where his fingertips kissed my skin. The desire path of his hands. Little bruises where love has bitten my flesh softly.

I waited almost two years for what he gave me twice while we were together. Something clicked into place, and finally he wanted me closer than just close. Closer than we could be as two separate things. So for a while, despite the discomfort he feels in his own skin, he wanted me that impossible kind of close. He let me strip down and show him my love in a way that has only ever been meant for him. Wrapped around each other, lost in each other's touch and breath and want. Lost in touch and kisses on skin, moving as a singular creature. Lost in pleasure and relief and joy, his eyes closed and biting his lip softly while rocking beneath me. My lion. Mine, mine, mine. Reminding me who I am and what my purpose is; like I am returning to a place I never left.

He is remembering me slowly. He is remembering that I am the Moon, the Magic that Moves, the Wounded Healer, the Air Priestess. He is remembering that only I feel the way that I feel because only I can do what I do.

Every time we are together he comes back to me a little more. I see everything he does and all the ways he shows me he loves me deeply without needing to say the words. There are moments when we're together where I feel him knowing. Moments when his gaze is locked on my face and the curve of my lips and his wanting is almost more than his fear. Moments when he calls me baby girl and looks at me like the ancient and beautiful thing he knows is in my bones. Moments when he looks at me like my hair is made of moonlight, moments when his hands and body search frantically for mine. His hand is always in my hair lately, a place of comfort in a world that makes him weary. But there are moments when we are together and I know he hears the Universe playing our song.

"Where are you?" has never been my favorite sentence before, but now that he says it with his arms wide open and reaching for me, I think it is.

He's still scared, still hurt. I am trying to help heal gaping wounds that I did not create. He is so worth it, though. Worth all the patience. Worth all the feelings of displacement in his absence. Worth all the money and the time I have. I can make more money, and time always flows. He is in there. Coming out in pieces. There are days when I can tell it hangs more heavily on him. When I can see doubt and fear clawing their way up the insides of his skull trying to find their way out, and the best thing I can do for him is be present in the noise.

The space I built for him in my life has never gone away. I never removed it, and no one could ever hope to fill it but him. I have been quietly waiting for what I know has always been right since day one: it's us. It's always been us. Never been more sure as I am after all of this.

I'm going to love us both into a whole new dimension soon.

Yesterday he told me that while we were tripping together my hair was overwhelming in the best way; silver and glowing....like moonlight.

The Lion, The Unicorn, and The Water

What a life. What a beautiful thing I've built and will continue to build for us.

Every time we come together in the same space and our atoms collide it is better than I could ever imagine.

Despite the fact that I somehow put myself six hours away from him in fucking Miami of all places...he was so sweet to me. My lion. My love. The sweetest creature I have ever known and my favorite thing on two legs. In a world where so many other people would (and have) berated me for hours for such a mistake, he just softly reassured me that everything was okay...and then somehow it was. I rush as fast as I could, and got there around 1am after driving for nine straight hours. We checked into the hotel, stayed up for a while and drank together. My gorgeous drunk menace terrorized me so affectionately. Holding me, hugging me tightly, putting me in a sleeper hold 😂 (which while sober he said to NOT let him do because he is scared he'll hurt me) and just laying on the bed with me....until he got sick and moaned and groaned for hours and took all the blankets lol. He didn't remember a thing the next morning and woke up still drunk.

Saturday (04/04! I somehow made it so we got to spend our reunion anniversary together and I wasn't even planning it that way) we just kinda did nothing, ran errands to stock up on snacks, water, liquor and beer, got him some vapes, and watched the fight at the end of the night while I did a paper. We both slept relatively solidly, which would certainly prove to be useful on Sunday - Easter.

Easter. Ostara. Resurrection Day. Our own person Bicycle Day for the sun and the moon, a cosmic event like nothing else. Six years ago I bought way more acid that I could imagine needing on my own, but I knew I would need it for something-I didn't know it then but I know it now that six years ago I was thinking of him; 2¼ tabs of acid each, and we were whisked into a dimension that belonged to us alone. We rode the wave together, going from the light buzz in the beginning to that crest of desire, peaking together and speaking our own language of numbers and colors and water, chatting away like two birds whistling the same tune back and forth. We are so in sync once again.

My sweet lion love. My purpose, what I was made for. He realized so much. He saw things he had never seen before; The Water, The Impossible Number, the two 5s, the source of The Water, 520 & 1040 + 1040...

He cried from a place he's never cried from. Started to heal from things it hurt to think of. Let me hold him while the tears flowed from his eyes like two rivers and I reassured him. He even let me snuggle with him, wrap myself around him and put his arm around me. He placed my hand on his eyes, his neck, his chest, and he asked me the hardest question: to make it all stop hurting. I knew I was a healer. I knew I would bring the medicine. But I never could have thought it would be so beautiful. To tell him that I see him and know he heard me, that I see how time weighs heavily on him, how he hurts, the way he lets the world treat him despite that he could never deserve any of it. How I am made just for him, my purpose and job in this world is to love and heal him so we can do something great. But the medicine only works if he lets it. How much I love him. How it'll all be okay. The medicine was for us both.

We saw the bluest blue together. 🧿

We spent hours holding each other- pressed together, interlaced, comforting and healing one another with our hands woven and thumbs touching- two 5s. 520. 1040 n 1040. My sweet lion, showing me all the ways he loves me in even the smallest ways; he does it as easy as he breathes.

I have never felt better about anything in my life.

And the next day we walked through a sea of trees and large stones and honeysuckle, and together we navigated a labyrinth that the Universe guided us to that seemed to be waiting there for us in the woods. So symbolic of our journey.

Every time I see him, I see more of him and I see him seeing me and the world with more clarity.

Every time I see him, he is more alive than the last time and he remembers more of the comfort and safety that he finds in me.

"I'm finally doing what I wanted to."

"What's that?"

"Getting to know you better."

Oof. Electricity.

When we first got to Melbourne, we checked into the hotel and laid on the bed while we figured out the plan for the evening. Just laying horizontally across the bed, facing each other, back and forth in conversation. And he said it so quickly that I almost missed it, but then he said it again - "You look really good."

We went to Bobby and Nicole's, and what an interesting night. My poor love. He got sick from hitting the blunt while drinking and ended up curled up on the ground behind their shed. Wanting me for comfort, for company. He even put his head in my lap and asked me to pour water onto his head for him. We ended up spending the night in the guest room, since I knew if I got him in the car he'd be sick for certain. Laying in bed, talking about little pieces of everything, and then he looked at me and made a comment about how big my titties are, which prompted me to reveal one. I let the right one spill out and almost without hesitation he cupped it and gently sucked my nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it and then finally releasing it. Yearrrrrrning. And then he looked at me so sweetly and told me how good I taste. Swoooooon.

We always find each other where dreaming and desire meet.

There was a moment somewhere in the weekend when I thanked him for something and he turned to me without skipping a beat and thanked me for having green eyes. 💚🥹 He even put on "Green-Eyed Lady" in the car while I sailed down the road.

Moving me with gentle intention to the inside of the sidewalk to keep me safe while we walked together, taking my arm in his hand to steady it while he drew his personal symbol on me, helping me up or offering his arm for stability, rubbing my neck so softly and sweetly, introducing me to his people and drukenly (and loudly) telling them (repeatedly) how amazing I am....

It's all so fantastic.

There is so much love in all of it, and I'm not even sure he realizes. So much tenderness in the way he looks at me and touches me. In the way his body wraps around mine, in the way he softens when I snuggle up against him, and the way he says my name. The way his hand rests on the back of my head when he holds me, or on my thigh while I drive. Constantly considering my needs and knowing when I'm tired, hungry, or thirsty before I even do.

"Does it help when I sing to you?" My love, if only you knew that everything you do helps me.

Everything is what we were and it is still what we are now. This is everything I knew it could be, plus. There's is an extra layer of magic now that we're face to face, impossible to ignore because it saturates every moment. The moments we exist in together and share the same space are something new I've never felt before. There is safety, peace. Security like I've never felt, knowing that he would truly never let anything happen to me. Knowing he is right there with me makes me feel wholly loved in a way I've only tasted in part.

I revealed my six month plan to him while we were pulled over on the highway in the twilight, checking the oil and rolling a joint. My plan to bring him home-to the ocean and to me.

And you know....he seems to like the idea. Seems to like the idea of us, every day. And me too. I love the idea of him warm, fed, safe, at ease and loved in a brand new way. Sleeping in my bed, even. Curled up next to my cat. Imagine. 🥹

Sometimes heading towards your destiny is just a gentle stroll instead of a sprint. I've taken his hand and now I'm gently guiding him back towards the light. All the work I did is still there in fragments, and I see them resurface all the time.

He says I'm saving his life. And I know without a doubt that in saving him, I am saving us both.

The time we're taking right now is so important. He needs time and so do I, to assess everything and to make this happen for us. He says he's not ready yet, but his actions speak louder than his words do. He knows the same thing that I do: it's us, it's always been us, and will always be us. Down to our stardust.

"Would you be good to me forever if it went that way"