NO LONGER ACTIVE

Compulsory heterosexuality, also known as coercive heteronormativity* is something that affects all lesbians, everywhere in the world. It also applies to women of other sexualities, and has been observed to occur in men as well (although argued to be to a lesser extent than women). However, it is mostly commonly attributed to lesbians.

*I believe since the creator of the former term was a political lesbian, people have created other terms, but they all refer to the same phenomenon.

What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Also known as “comp het”, compulsory heterosexuality refers to a kind of heteronormativity that affects people on an individual level. Since people are assumed straight until proven otherwise, and society, media, and family life are all incredibly heteronormative, we grow up thinking that we are supposed to be straight as well. For women, comp het also includes the pressure to involve men in every aspect of our lives, including (especially) romantic, as pushed on us by the patriarchy. An example of the effects of comp het is not knowing that liking the same sex was even a possibility, so assuming that you must be straight.

How do you recognize comp het as a lesbian?

This is something I personally have struggled with immensely, and these examples come from both my personal experience and from what other people have told me about their experiences. Of course, not everyone experiences all of these, and there may be other signs of comp het not listed here as well.

Being in relationships with men for validation, attention, popularity, etc, and not because you actually like the men you date

Analyzing every guy you meet to see if you should crush on him (if you choose to have a crush, it’s not real attraction)

Alternatively, randomly selecting a guy to crush on, just to have a crush and fit in with all the other girls

Why you crush on certain men is because of logical reasons and not because of any feelings attached (eg. This guy is responsible and performs well in school, so your parents would approve if you date him)

Thinking that you must be romantically attracted to any conventionally attractive guy you meet, even if you’ve never spoken to him

Thinking you must be attracted to any of your male friends, because girls “obviously” can’t have guy friends without having a crush on them

All your fantasies about men revolve around the future, in order to satisfy a desire of having a “perfect” nuclear family (a house in the suburbs, two kids, husband always at work so you can never see him and be intimate with him)

The thought of doing anything sexual with a man grosses you out

Any sexual fantasies about a man involve a faceless figure that doesn’t feel like a real person

Not being able to relate when your straight female friends talk about guys they like

Only wanting a boyfriend so he can provide you emotional support

Wanting a boyfriend so you won’t be lonely

Wanting a boyfriend to get approval from friends, family, society

Believing those reports that claim every woman finds other women attractive so you can rest safely in the knowledge that even though you find girls hot, you’re still “straight”

Having female friends in childhood or adolescence you were “very close to”, to the extent that you spent all your time thinking about them or followed them around school

Focusing on the woman in sex scenes

All your male crushes were fictional men or unattainable celebrities, so you could be safe in the fact that you’d never have to actually date them

Thinking that a guy being nice to you means you should date him

Thinking guys are cute from afar, but when you get closer to them, you find so many parts of them to be unattractive (eg. hands, hair, body odour, etc)

Liking guys until they reciprocate interest, after which you try to avoid them as much as possible

Knowing that you’re a lesbian from an early age, but try to force yourself to like men because liking girls must “just be a phase” or you’re “just confused”

Testing whether or not you’re attracted to men by trying to like randomly chosen guys to see if it could be possible

Knowing that you only like girls now, but convincing yourself you might like guys in the future, as long as you “meet the right guy”

Assuming you have to like men because that’s what girls are supposed to do

Believing the societal myth that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, and that’s why you dislike having sex with men

Misinterpretating anxiety as being romantic butterflies

Convincing yourself that you like men because being a lesbian seems too hard to deal with

Thinking attraction is supposed to feel nauseating and uncomfortable

Having “crushes” on certain men because you admire something they’re able to do (eg. “I must like this guy because I really like how well he plays the guitar”)

Not having feelings for men but being able to tolerate being with men

I love butches.

The muscles, the short hair,

The refusal to pick up

Where their mothers left off.

.

I especially love

The angle of a knee

Wearing its way out of a faded pair

Of 501’s

Scraping the dirty floor of a dark alley,

Kneeling in the dark,

Sucking cunt.

My cunt.

.

My fingers can always find

A hold in that short hair —

Even a crew cut.

I just twine right down to the roots

So I can grab that head

And turn it to look at me,

Cunt juice smeared and shining

Across that James Dean jawline.

.

I’m a connoisseur of the practiced sneer

That says, “Look out, I’m tough.”

A butch who has her pose down makes me smile.

“Darlin’,” I say, sliding through

The shadows at her back,

“How fine you are.”

I flex my claws, apply them gently

To her neck, pick up the fabric

Over a nipple, and slice it open so

The teacup-sized tit peeks through.

I lick the fear off her neck and purr,

“I really don’t care

Who’s butch and who’s not

As long as I get to fuck you.”

.

I love butches

Because I’m the woman

Who takes up where their mothers

Were afraid to go.

.

I can’t resist the call of that

Deep, smoldering anger,

The girlboy who can never forgive herself

Until Mama relents and says

(Standing in a doorway,

Spraying herself with a perfume atomizer),

“Forget the old man.

Come to my bed tonight.”

.

Butches need my hands,

My mouth, my eyes

Because I see, I handle, I bestow

The hard-on, the female phallus,

The sweet prick of the androgyne

Forever erect at the service of women.

.

Understand me —

My tricks are butches.

Not men, not boys,

Butches.

.

Even if they seem like boys

With female parts to you,

I know they are women.

And I am there for the part of them

That needs to be taken out of control —

Not with contempt,

Not as competition,

But as reassurance, a reminder

Of the body’s truth

Inside the fantasy,

The body that makes

All fantasies possible.

.

I am, after all, a lesbian.

I lust after beautiful women,

And butches are the most beautiful women