Writing & Art

I lay under a beautiful mural

Every life ever lived, every path that has been chosen

Surrounded by laughter, the darkness tears at my skin

The silence makes a home in my bones

Until I am rotten from the inside out

I wish the waves would erode my soul and the dirt would reclaim my bones

Why do I get to live when they didn’t?

Even though it’s not rose colored

I feel every inadequacy stacking up

Higher and higher

The voices get louder and louder

Until they scream in my ears

Every wrong turn I’ve made, every regret I’ve had, every night spent crying

Like any of it makes a difference

Nothing matters between the trees, or under the waves

It’s all so small

I am so small

Memories are never far from my mind

In the pages I read, the words I write, the clock that ticks endlessly

I am one disassociation away from the best years of my life

I wish every day that I could go back, I wish I could undo all I did and live there

Then I carried hopes, bonds, and smiles

Now I carry only the bags under my eyes

Staring up at an unforgiving night

It passes by, in the songs the winds sing

In the sky that never sleeps

On the peaks of the loneliest mountains

We look back and see it all

In every blade of grass, every cell we possess

Time is never far from our minds

It ticks, it drags, it flows, it flies

Even as the poison erodes my bones and cuts my sensitive flesh

In the fractals that fall around my face

There persists the brightest smiles and the loneliest tears

Sunsets on the grass, sunrises in the clouds

In earth, wind and sky, there persists

A lifetime could never allow me to forget where it all began

The drink never too strong, the smoke never too potent

You were the pages of my book

The lullaby I hummed every night

I faced this world with arms wrapped around me

Now it’s dark, and utterly quiet

You became a small chapter, a lesson learned

I’ll remain the best you’ll ever have

Think of me in the rain, on cold nights, when you’re at the depths again

These days I wake up to new paths, unknown lives and brand new connections

I walk with my eyes turned toward the brand new world, hope and excitement and vigor

In the lull I feel the pull towards the start, where I died all those years ago

The sunsets, the laughs, dinners shared, intertwined in mind and body

I’m not a kid anymore, the colors dulled, the noises dimmed, but I’ll always remember

In the haze, I’ll remember who we were

Let the acid fill my lungs and scar my veins

I don’t feel a thing, where have I gone?

I want to drive as far as I can, until the wind won’t know my name

And the ground will never feel the same

I can’t go back, but baby I can wish

In fallen hearts and weary bones

It could be a month, could be a year

How do I change all my mind has ever known?

I ran as far as I could

But you still shine in my night sky

The star pulls me back with every breath I take

But the bridge has been burned

So I’ll see you when I fall asleep

Let the star guide me home