adventure more

I haven't uploaded to this app in years. I'm 27 now and thinking back on my life. I recently lost - who I thought was - the love of my life and this is a letter for them - which I doubt they will ever read.

When we met it was near Christmas and having you there with me made it feel like it, too. We spent a year together, and I kept breaking up with you. I wanted to take a step back, not to weaken us but for our strength. We started this whole thing so quick - I only wanted you to rent a room for about a year. I could have got a bigger place and put your name on the tenancy. We could have had the already loved children we'd spoken about. I asked if you could stay with a friend just for a couple nights - YOU even suggested that before this night. I need to sort my head. Why didn't you stay with a friend? I wanted you. I wanted us. Why did I grab a weapon? I know we'll never get back to who or what we were and I know I loved you fiercely.

Then I remember, everything you did to me. You stopped me from going out for walks to clear my head, you hit me, at times made me have sex with you when I didn't want to. You broke in when I broke up with you. Maybe I find myself missing you because I really did fall in love with you - and everyone in this town knows it. I keep thinking I'll never be in love with someone as much but that still small voice says to me "you will". What if we could backtrack and never meet - or do things different?

I spent 6 months in prison mourning the loss; of our relationship, our future, our life together. When you said you were my partner still in court I was confused. I said we're not together because how can a relationship be maintained if we can't talk? I spent six months cycling between numbness, heartbreak, depression, anger, hope, love and missing you. I don't think it's meant to be like this.