VIBIN' (2020)

2D/3D/No GenAI

Smooch!!! Important: always kiss your laptop <333

Late night chat in Castle Town

all his life, simon was never given the right of having a choice. always had other people making decisions for him, decisions he never asked for or wanted. never even given the semblance of something that wasn't what felt like inevitable. because why would he ever need one? he's just like everyone else, isn't he? why would he ever want something different?

but there is just... something there. about not being given choices, obviously, but specifically about not being given the option of saying "no". because i mean... as an aspec person, who hasn't been explicitly told that "no" isn't an option?

i hear "how many more times are you going to use me before you let me go?" and i hear a man who has given in to the fact that when he says "no", it's not actually going to matter. and i think about all the times where i've said "no" and had people tell me that that wasn't something i was allowed to have. that i "just had to try it", that i "hadn't met the right person yet", that i "shouldn't say that about myself."

why the fuck not. why shouldn't i say that about myself. i didn't say it to be self deprecative, i said it because it's what i want. what i DON'T want, really, if we're leaning into semantics. why do you get to tell me what i do and don't want? why do you get to make decisions for me all of a sudden? what did i do to deserve that? what do any of us do to deserve anything?

i hear "you're not listening to me, there's something else." and i hear "why doesn't what i say matter to you even when it's about my health and wellbeing?" am i just not enough of a person to you to be able to make decisions for myself? why not? just because i don't value relationships the same way you do? just because i find joy in living for other things? for myself?

why is it not enough to want to live for the sake of living? why do i have to be belittled and infantilized just because of how i love and what i live for? why is my life inherently less valuable just because i'm supposedly not like everyone else? there will never be a number of us high enough for it to be worth throwing lives away, so why do you suddenly get to decide that i'm throwing away mine?

it's obviously not a 1:1 comparison, such things rarely are. even less so when it comes to the lack of wanting. but i see simon and i can't help but feel... understood. i look into the eyes of a victim, a perpetrator, a criminal, and i see someone i can call a brother.

...and as an aside, people will joke about the harness scene and yes, i will too, because it's just a little absurd, isn't it? i mean there's just no practical purpose for that thing for a man who has lived and grew up in a society where things generally need practical purposes to warrant having. why does he even need that fuckass little harness that 1. isn't holding anything up, 2. isn't keeping anything in place, and 3. seems to serve no purpose other than making him look good? it's just funny. hilarious, even. i'm not gonna pretend like it isn't.

but i mean. god forbid a person feel comfortable enough in their own skin to have this one thing to themself. to wear what they want and feel good about it because they think it makes them look good, regardless of how other people see them. god forbid simon have this fuckass little harness just because he likes it, just because it's one thing he can have that makes him feel good about his own body even if it's not practical. because it has to be for someone, right? right?? otherwise, why would he even have it?