Social Hermitude

In lieu of actually writing something this week, because 1. I’m tired and 2. I forgot, here’s a link to my YouTube channel’s latest video:

Watch and subscribe. If you do, I’ll buy you a pony. 

OK, angsty teens of the Internet, wipe you tears/drool and listen up: this is your moment. 

So I’ve been re-watching Skins lately, and I have come to an important conclusion. Effy is one twisted little hermit. 

Homie is a little off her rocker for most of the show. But, despite her tragic spirals of self-destruction and underneath several layers of late-aught hokey-ness, Effy brings a unique sort of social apathy to the hermit table. 

I cannot stress enough that the angst on this show is unparalleled. Effy had so many feelings about so many things. But if we push aside the Skins-ness of it all, we can easily see that Effy simly embodied all the hermitdom stands for: tendency towards silence (remember how she didn’t speak for two seasons), full awareness of her superiority, physically and otherwise, and a take-no-shit attitude. 

Late in the show, she finally got it together, and even in her seemingly more normal adulthood, Effy was still one badass hermit. 

Welcome to this week’s How to Hermit! God knows everyone is trudging back to high school, quietly sobbing that the next ~180 days of their lives are going to be spent in a linoleum and brick hell.

 Even I, the wise and beautiful Resident Asshole, cannot save you from this terror. I can, however, help you get your shit together enough to exist for another school year without dropping out to work with the ‘circus’ in the abandoned parking lot two weeks a year.

 Get Your Wardrobe Right, Child

I’m not asking you to get all fancy with it, I’m just asking you to make sure you have what you need, so you don’t have to deal with the bullshit of not knowing what you’re going to wear. That could take you well over ten minutes, AND YOU’RE LOSING PRECIOUS SLEEPING TIME. So you can either get Yonce ready like some person who gives a fuck,

 Or you can, you know, not be a disgrace to hermits everywhere and not change out of what you slept in

 Learn the Secret to Boredom

Your teachers may kick ass,

 Or they may be horrific excuses for humans in and of themselves, let alone for a teacher.

 But, here’s the trick: zone out. Chances are, if you have a horrifically boring teacher, they’re not going to call on you for some ridiculous question you don’t know the answer to. Just keep your eyes open and count down the minutes. I can still tell you, almost four years later, what time lunch started. 11:36, in case you were wondering. It’s literally the only thing that kept me going through 2nd period.

 Don’t worry, my lovely loners. It’ll be over before you know it, and then you’ll spend the rest of your life talking about how shitty it was.

Or, how much it rocked.

 Good luck and godspeed,

So unless you’ve been literally living under a rock, (even the most hermit-y of social hideouts couldn’t escape this), you know that Amy Schumer has become a HUGE deal lately. She’s everywhere, and in my humble (ha) opinion, rightfully so. 

I mean look at her. She is beauty, she is grace. 

Amy knows what it means to have a good time. Even if sex humor and raunchy references aren’t your jam, you can surely appreciate the no-fucks-to-give, balls-to-the-wall attitude Ms. Schumer brings to the table. 

It seems like Amy is pretty busy these days between promoting her movie and banging everything in sight (no shade; respect), but make no mistake about this: Amy is just as lazy as you or me. 

EXACTLY. Not only does she understand the value of sweats, but she also knows that laziness does not equate to dumpiness. She’s fab and she knows it.

Glamorous, hilarious, strong-minded, lazy. Amy Schumer has all the makings of an excellent hermit, and today we celebrate that. CHEERS, BITCHES.