SOCIAL-DUMP

The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. 

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me. 

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." 

Server: "Is that it?" 

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" 

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication] 

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and . . . 

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." 

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them: 

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" 

Manager: "No. A what?" 

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." 

Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." 

Server: "Yeah, thought so." 

He comes back to me and says: 

Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" 

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" 

Server: "I don't know." 

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?" 

Server: "Yeah." 

Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?" 

Server: "Well, hang on a sec." 

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift. 

Server: "He says I have to take it." 

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" 

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." 

Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis] 

Server: "What should I do?" 

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." 

Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." 

Manager: "Just tell him." 

Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says: 

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [It was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] 

Me: "Well, here's a two." 

Manager: "We don't take those either." 

Me: "Why the hell not?" 

Manager: "I think you know why." 

Me: "No really, tell me, why?" 

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." 

Me: "Excuse me?" 

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." 

Me: "What the hell for?" 

Manager: "Please, sir." 

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them." 

Manager: "Would you please just leave?" 

Me: "No." 

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then." 

Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" 

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]: 

Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" 

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." 

Security: "Really? What?" 

Manager: "Get this, a two dollar bill."

Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous] 

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." 

Security: "So, the fifty's fake?" 

Manager: "NO, the $2 is." 

Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" 

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" 

Security: "Yeah..." 

Security guard walks over to me and says: 

Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." 

Me: "Uh, no." 

Security: "Lemme see 'em." 

Me: "Why?" 

Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" 

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said: 

Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." 

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says 

Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" 

Manager: "It's fake." 

Security: "It doesn't look fake to me." 

Manager: "But it's a $2 bill." 

Security: "Yeah?" 

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"