Hi, so I was curious about the basis of lettuce jokes? Is it a history thing?
OH BOY I’m so glad you sent this message because I get to do a DRAMATIC retelling of the second-greatest Egyptian Myth*Strap in for… THE CONTENDINGS OF HORUS AND SETH, AS TOLD BY ME. Strap in because this one is reasonably long but I promise it is high-LARIOUS you’re gonna love it.Ok so backstory is the whole ‘Seth killed Osiris, cut him up, Isis stitched him back together, got pregnant from his dead body, had Horus and raised him in secret bit’. Y’all know that bit. Pretty famous story. This is what happens when Horus grows up and there’s a FIGHT about who gets to be KING except the fight is actually a series of competitions which are… increasingly weird. You ready? Let’s go.[Part 1]The Great Ennead (group of Gods) hold a meeting to decide whether Horus or Seth should hold the office of Osiris. Horus points out that Seth straight up murdered his dad and shouldn’t rule anything are you fucking kidding me. The gods all agree that this seems right, actually. Horus should definitely be King.Seth gets pissy about this and points out that every day he slays the enemies of the sun god, Ra, and since he’s been doing the job for some time he should keep doing it. The gods note that this, too is a fine point.Everything descends into chaos with everyone shouting at each other, especially Isis who is super pissed that anybody is even listening to Seth, until Ra gets mad enough to tell them to all shut the fuck up, we’re moving the court onto an island and Isis is not invited.Isis disguises herself as an old woman and gets into the new proceedings, whereby the dons a new disguise of a young pretty thing and pleads to Seth “oh Seth you’re so big and strong and mighty will you be my champion. My husband died, my son has been tending the cattle but a stranger appeared and has cast us out”Seth, wanting to be the Big Hero, repsonds “of course! How can a stranger take a man’s property when his son is alive! That’s wrong of COURSE I’ll defend you!”At which point Isis reveals her true form and yells “HA! YOU PLAYED YOURSELF! HOW CAN SOMEONE TAKE A MAN’S PROPERTY WHEN THE SON LIVES INDEED”The other gods murmer in agreement that Seth had, indeed, played himself and plans were made for the coronation of Horus. Seth was having none of it.[Part 2]Not about to let Horus be crowned, Seth sets forth a challenge. “Let’s turn ourselves into hippos and duke it out in the river!” he says. “Best god gets the lot, eh?”. Horus takes this on gladly, but Isis is afraid that Seth will kill him. The battle went on for many days, with the advantage going between the two until Isis could no longer bear to watch and made a harpoon. She threw it into the water… and hit Horus.“Mother! You fucking stabbed ME! Let go”Isis pulled out the harpoon and thew it again, actually stabbing Seth this time. Good job, Isis. Best mum award. It pierced Seth so hard that he emerged from the water, this losing the battle, and he pleaded with her to let him go. How could she do this to him? She is his sister? Why must she always fight him like this? Isis feels a bit bad about stabbing her own brother, and pulls out the harpoon.Horus is so mad about this, and also being stabbed, that he leapt out of the river and cut her head off in one stroke, before walking off in a sulk (she’s fine, don’t worry, they put it back on. Gods, y’know?)[Part 3]Seth found Horus sulking, and, catching him by surprise, plucked out both of his eyes. When Seth returned to the rest of the gods, he told them he couldn’t find Horus anywhere, and so the rest of them kept looking. Eventually Hathor found Horus, blinded, and performed healing magic to return his sight.
She went back to the encampment and grassed Seth up. “He’s been lying to you! He found Horus, all right, and took out his eyes! I just had to heal him myself!
Ra called both Seth and Horus to him and demanded that they stop fucking fighting, right now, I swear I will destroy both of you. Seth appears to agree that they should stop, and invites Horus to his house for a party. Bygones be bygones and all that, eh?[Part 4]As Horus and Seth lay resting, Seth climbed atop Horus and put his penis between his thighs. Apparently content that he had sufficiently asserted his dominance, he left, but unbeknownst to him Horus had collected the semen in his hands.The next day Horus went to Isis, holding the semen and said “Mum! Look what he did to me last night!”. Isis is so horrified that she shrieks and cuts off Horus’ hands (he’s fine, don’t worry. Gods, you know?-. She herself collects the semen and forms a plot.She goes to the gardener of Seth, and asks which of the plants he likes to eat. The gardener tells her he is especially fond of lettuce, and so she puts the semen on the lettuce that Seth was to eat later. He does so, apparently without noticing his own semen is being used as a salad dressing. Tasty.[Part 5]Seth and Horus return to the court of the gods, and Seth proclaims that he should hold the office of King for he has “done a man’s deed” to Horus and dominated him. Horus is obviously not fit to be King.Horus fuckin loses it laughing and says “oh yeah? wait til you see where THAT semen ended up, buddy” and asks Thoth to call forth Seth’s semen, to see where it comes from.Thoth does so, and the semen emerges from the top of Seth’s head to form a golden disk. Seth gets really really made about that, and hurriedly seizes the disk.“Okay look” he says, getting pretty desperate at this point. “Tell you what. We’ll have a race down the Nile in ships made of stone and whoever wins gets to be King, okay? Fair deal?”Horus laughs and agrees.[Part 6]Seth strikes down the top of a mountain and uses it to create his boat. He drags it down to the Nile and finds Horus there with his ship of stone. Except it isn’t. Horus had made a boat of pine trees and covered it in plaster to look like solid stone because Horus isn’t a fucking idiot.Seth’s boat obviously sinks at once, and in his rage he turns into a hippo once more and tries to attack Horus, but the court of gods do their damn job for once and hold him back.“Guys” says Horus “It’s been eighty four years [actually only 80 but I can’t resist sue me] I’ve been having these dumbass contests with my uncle and I’ve won every single time. At what point are you going to just make a ruling this is getting stupid also I’m tired”Anyway you’d think the court would just give the whole country to Horus at this point, but they do not. They give Southern (Upper) Egypt to Seth, and Northern (Lower) Egypt to Horus. Egypt is split in two.[Part 7]Word of all this has reached Osiris in the Underworld (they don’t have wifi, it takes a while) and he is real mad. He demands to know why Horus was stripped of any part of the crown. Osiris is god of the Underworld at this point, and reminds the rest of the gods that at some point even they will die and when they do they have to deal with him and are you REALLY going to make me mad.The other gods are afraid of what Osiris might do, and so Horus was granted rule over all Egypt, and the country was re-united.
-Fin-Anyway that’s where all the lettuce jokes and ‘angry Seth reacts’ comes from. Egyptian mythology is a fuckin’ RIOT my dudes.*Destruction of Mankind is the greatest don’t @ me
[Buy me a coffee if you liked this story I’m poor]
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