live.love.laugh

“My heart is in the Philippines”, this is what I answered when asked why I went home after 2 years of working abroad. I said it with pride and with confidence that indeed, Philippines deserve my heart.

But what is happening now makes me review my ideas of a perfect Philippines.

All of the things that’s bothering me started when my fellow Filipinos voted for someone, whom I know from the very start, isn’t rightfully fit for the position.

They sounded confident 2 years ago. Shouting and shedding tears for that unrightful heir to the throne. They are confident that that one man who said nothing but false promises and that someone who changes decisions without even thinking will bring a change in the society.

(SMH)

And now, is it the change that we wanna see? It is the change that he promised he’ll make into reality?

Definitely, IT ISN'T!

Cursing in public, humiliating women and degrading us, saying bullsh*ts and doing so, protecting the criminals and killing innocents, selling our dignity to the foreigners and kissing weak individuals, are these the changes that we envision as we made a pledge of giving him our utmost trust?

To those die hard fans and supporters, I do not pity you but I pity the weak and poor, I pity those who voted for the right persons, I pity those innocents doing nothing but being bombarded by bullets, I pity the young and the old, I pity those criminals being acquitted from the crimes they have committed. I pity the Filipino people who stood for what is right. I pity myself for loving my country when others cannot even respect each other.

There are times that I couldn’t control my thoughts. I kept thinking about you. I should’ve let it go. The feelings, the hurt and the memories. But everytime I read something about us, I can’t help but bring back myself to the way we used to be.

The happy us.

Until now, even if how hard I try, I still can’t find the answers to all my why’s and what if’s. I admit it. I am still hurting. I shouldn’t but I am in pain.

My heart says it could’ve been you. It should be you. But my mind is battling against my feelings. It keeps on reminding me that not all that I thought would end up right, would end up the way I want it to be.

There are things that has ended yet left you with a huge question mark. There are things that has ended that you thought need continuation.

But no matter what I do, even if I’ll tell you what I feel, I am not sure if it will still be the same. I am uncertain if I will be acknowledged this time.

They say life is simple. If you miss someone, let them know. I want to let you know that I miss you so badly but I am scared. Scared of what you’ll say, of what you’ll think.

I will get used to waking up each day not seeing your face. I will get used to spending my day not having you around. I will get used to going through my phone seeing you around happy with someone else. I will get used to spending my own time with anyone but you. I will get used to be on my own now, not needing your approval on anything. I will get used to each passing day enduring the pain and the hurt. As what I always do, I will make myself get used being left behind. That’s what supposed life is for me.

But inspite being left behind, I will get used being strong because that’s the only choice I have. I will get used being independent because I ought to become one. I will get used feeling numb because that is the only way I can prevent myself from hurting. I will get used making myself happy the way I should be. I will get used to being get used. And one day, I will wake up feeling completely well because that's what life should be.