There's a king in every crowd.

If you and a same sex friend are eating out and request just one check and the waitress sets it down in front of you, she decided you’re the top.

so one time this asshole was harassing my friend and he gave her a note that said “hey pretty wanna date me? yes: smile no: backflip” and like the fucking badass she is and because she’s a gymnast, she got up and did a fucking backflip in the middle of class

Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you’re going to die.

My favourite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call

It’s called connotations.

great news! Language is now banned

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things but have wildly different connotations

How do I delete someone else’s post

humans are so cute, when we say goodbye we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone we bring them flowers. we suck the cum out of peoples dicks like a gogurt. we say hello by holding each other’s hand, and sometimes tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we’re all just little animals, falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars

we suck the what out of what like what now

I’m a mix of Uzi & Jaden.

im ross

ouuuuweee😩😍

Bitch do y’all see Hennessy tho 💅🏽

*tap dances over to u* bitch do we have a problem

petition to remove the ‘d’ from wednesday 

wednesay

not what i had in mind but im flexible