We open on a mansion--- one that has seen better days--- somewhere in New England. Surrounding the building are tall trees, unmanicured shrubs, dead or dying flowers, and overgrown patches of grass. Preceding the property is an iron gate with a broken lock, and standing in front of it is a fairy.Â
The fairy looks at the mansion, then down at her phone, squints, and sighs. She enters the property and trudges through the wild front yard, nearly losing one of her shoes to an overturned tree root. Once at the front door, she removes bits of vegetation that attached themselves to her body and prepares to knock. However, just before her fist touches the door, it swings open, and she is pulled inside without time to comprehend what is happening.
Now inside, she is flung to the floor as the door is slammed shut behind her and locked tight. The fairy is flipped onto her back, while a tall figure is looming over her with chaos in his eyes that shocks her into silence. The figure inches uncomfortably close to her face and saysâŚ.
âDid the landlord send you?!â
The Fairy (Hope): âWhat?â
The Figure (Sherry): âWere you sent by the person that owns this land?â
Sherry: âWhat about the neighbors--- did one of them send you?â
Sherry: âFBI? CIA? Homeland?!â
Hope: âWhy the hell would Homeland Security beâ?!â
Sherry: âAnswer the question!â
Hope: âNO!! For fucks sake, I was just here to answer the ad!â
Sherry: âOh, why didnât you say so?â
Now, as if the last couple of minutes didnât happen, the figure smiles down at the fairyâ she notices his fangs. Once again, he yanks her around like an old ragdoll and lifts her off the floor.
Sherry: âSo, you wanna be my new roomie? In that case, allow me to introduce myself. The name is Sheridan OâReilly, but you may call me Sherry for shortâŚUnless the guy I buy meth from comes lookinâ for me, then my name is Bram.â
Hope: âDid you just say metâ?â
Sherry (pulling at Hopeâs arm): âCome on, let me give you the full tour!â
Sherry gives Hope a tour of the mansion, taking her from room to room so she can judge its quality. However, there is not much to judge, or rather too much to judge. Each room is shown to be bug-infested, full of random junk, covered in various substances, and/or missing portions of the walls.
Sherry: âFirst off, we have the kitchen and dining areas, with all the newest appliances and the finest dining table you will ever see. (Most of the appliances were made around the 60s and 70s, and the âdining tableâ is a ping-pong table).â
Sherry: âNext up is the parlour, which I have personally decorated with only the highest quality furniture. I also have displayed some of my favorite pieces of art on the walls. (The furniture is either tacky, torn up, has a weird smell, or some combo of the three. Also, none of it matches. As for the art pieces, most are posters of obscure metal/grunge bands, and the rest are shitty homemade collages).âÂ
Hope (with a fake smile): âItâs certainly a very unique space youâve made for yourself, isnât it?â
Sherry (proudly): âIt is.â
Sherry (but now in a different part of the mansion): âUpstairs is where the majority of bedrooms are located and one of the bathrooms and the hall closet.â
Hope (looking up at the ceiling): âWhat was that?â
Sherry: âOh..., nothing. Something probably just fell over in the attic.â
*Even louder moaning sound*
Hope (fluttering up to the attic door): âDonât you think we should goâ?â
Sherry: â(Tugs Hope back down by the bottom of her dress) DONâT GO UP THERE!! (Turns her around and looks her dead in the eye) Never go in the attic, ever!!â
Hope (slightly terrified): âO-kay.â
Sherry: âAnd finally, we have the basement-slash-wine-cellar-slash-my-bedroom. Also, known as, The Shag Pad.â
A neon sign that reads âThe Shag Padâ lights up out of nowhere, and more lights proceeding illuminates the rest of the basement. Now able to see it wholly, Hope notices that the basement is divided into four distinct areas: wine and other alcoholic beverages, one for storing random/suspiciously expensive items, one that looks like a mini sex dungeon, and one bedroom-ish area.Â
Hope (so confused): âUmmâŚ, very classy.â
Sherry (proudly): âRight! Most people think it's weird that the sex dungeon is separate from the bedroom, but I think itâs much more classy this way. (Gives Hope a friendly, if a bit hard, pat on the back) You get me.â
Hope (uncomfortable and confused): âYa.âÂ
Sherry and Hope return to the parlour to discuss further possibly living together.
Sherry (smiling and rubbing his hands): âSooo, what do you think? Roommates?â
Hope: âIâŚummâŚerâŚThe thing is, I donât know if this is the right fit for me. The mansion is veryâŚunique, and you seem to be a nice guyâŚ, but I donât think I should leave my current home yet.â
Sherry (curiously): âOh, whyâs that?â
Hope: âWell, I live with my mother, and she depends on me for chores and stuff. Plus, Iâm not sure if Iâm ready to live so farâŚso far awayâŚfromâŚâ
Hopeâs mind flashes to memories of herself and her mother living together over the years.
Hopeâs Mother: âHopey, when you get off work, can you run some errands for me? I even made a little list for you, so you donât forget anything (unrolls a list 20 feet long).â
Hopeâs Mother: âYou should cook more and eat out less; frozen dinners donât count.â
Hope: âMom, I work anywhere between 12 and 14 hours a day. Iâm too tired to cook when I get home.â
Hopeâs Mother: âAre you too tired or just lazy? Think about it.â
Hope (facepalming): *Groans*
Hopeâs Mother (yelling into the next room): âHope, how much do you weigh!?â
Hope (yelling back): âWhy do you need to know!?â
Hopeâs Mother: âIâm signing you up on a dating site, and it needs your weight for the profile!â
Hope (rushing over to her mother): âMOM!! You canât sign me up for online dating without my permission! It's psychotic!â
Hopeâs Mother: âOh, please. Iâm your mother, and I know whatâs best for you. Besides, there are a lot of beautiful and successful women on here youâd love.â
Hope: âI donât care. I donât want to be on a dating site.â
Hopeâs Mother: â But look. This one is a lawyer, and this one is a doctor.â
Hope: âIâm a doctor, Mom.â
Hopeâs Mother (condescendingly): âIn child psychology.â
Hopeâs mind returns to the present, where Sherry is staring at her expectantly.
Hope (smiling broadly): âYou know what, I think my mom will get along just fine without me.â
Sherry (smiling back): âDoes that mean what I think?â
Hope: âSherry, you got yourself a roommate.â
Hope extends a hand for Sherry to shake but is given a bone-crushing hug instead. After he releases her, he sprints in the direction of his room.
Hope (confused): âWhere are you going!?âÂ
Sherry (shouting from somewhere): âGotta get a copy of the lease for you to sign so we can make this official! Also, I gotta call my dealer for party suppliesâ weâre about to celebrate!â
Hope (flatly): âOf course.â
Hope sits in the parlour alone, listening to the sounds of Sherry hollering and throwing shit around looking for the lease.
Hope (sarcastically): âWell, this is going to beâŚFun.â