cruel summer.

DO IT. monet is cooler than sebastian ngl. then i can say i have a friend named monet and the alcohol would sponsor you. im sure youd be a good one if you wanted but it is 2020 and people dont HAVE to have kids. its a free world and we just vibe in it 

i feel like it’s a little late now, i’ve kind of gotten used to sebastian. if i get married, i’ll make sure it’s to a guy with the last name ‘monet’ so i can be sebastian monet and fill both criteria.

Yeah it’s so annoying and I shouldn’t have to but money is important I guess. Well are you free next weekend? Oh that sounds really interesting, i wish you all the best, hope it works out. 

I always forget people have to, like, work for money. What a scam. Indeed I am and I’ll make sure I’m as photogenic as always.

We’ve upgraded from a shelf to a multi-tiered rack? ha! How’s this… you help me pick out the right one. That way it guarantees I don’t set one of these boxes next to the door for the shoes to sit on.

Thanks! When she’s not being difficult I like to think she’s okay, too. Did you and your siblings decide on this city or was it a coincidence? France’s on my travel list, something I intend to get to in a few years.

You get a choice from the two. And that is a good idea, because from what I’m hearing those shoes are in danger of being merely kicked off next to the door and I refuse to let that happen.

Like honestly I do know that I should have to deal with it but I need the income at the moment. Well i mean I could really use any one as models for my portfolio so I can get it out there. So if you want to pay a small fee not as much as I would if I was doing it professionally. Good to know you have finished with school. What’s your current job? And what kind of job are you looking for?

Relatable, sometimes you just roll with the punches. Well sign me up, I’m very photogenic. I’m a florist right now, but I’m looking for a career in the arts, some kind of art publication or gallery.

What would I do without you, huh? You are my actual saving grace. We’re doing it next weekend so just plan on being here Friday night/Saturday morning.

I know, I know, I’m perfect and amazing. And I will make sure my calendar is free, no Friday night clubbing for me.

monet sounds lit. i dont think i can afford the designer if i named one dior. it would be too much pressure to find designer turtle stuff and he might get a complex. why did you only humor it for five seconds? not a kid person? 

it’s a great name, if i changed my name it would totally be to monet. monet smythe just sounds like a real bitch and i love it. i am in no way a kid person, the idea of me as a dad really fucks with my head.

Now that’s tragic. How does one ever leave a place like Paris? I’m only here on vacation and I almost couldn’t leave New York, and it’s hardly the city of lights and romance.

Bragging doesn’t change the fact that it’s the truth. I simply like to keep people informed on who I am. I’ve never been one for modesty either so I suppose that’s accurate.

It was hardly my choice, I was a teenager when we moved to the states. I visit whenever I can though, usually under the guise as artistic inspiration.

so heres the sitch guys. i got three turtles and i dont have any ideas for names. I NEED NAMES. please drop all of your suggestions and i will listen intently. 

The first names that came to mind where Monet, Dior and Sigourney because for the five seconds in middle school where I humored the idea of having kids, those where I names I chose.

Exactly, where do they get off shaming us like this? Something’s gotta change. I’m already handing my money over to you, you don’t gotta be so rude while I’m stuffing my face full of chocolate. 

Nothing but facts. When I finally solidify myself in the pop culture zeitgeist as incredibly rich and influential, that’ll be the first thing I bring to public attention. 

Oh, you already know that I’ve got you covered, Smythe. It’ll take no time to get down pat, I promise. I do highly expect you to be on the good side of things and wanna come over to make sure it’s perfect before everyone else arrives because you’re you and that perfectionist that I absolutely need.

Thank God for that, I want nothing less than perfection and I will be there every step of the way to make sure it’s not some kind of cringe fest because I won’t let you do that to yourself.

That girl has enough shoes as it, a whole box of them she’s yet to unpack! I imagine you’d be horrified to see shoes left by the door with no shelf in sight?

Yeah, rocking the single dad lifestyle for seven years now. Family and change of scenery. I’m gonna take a wild guess and assume you’re not from here?

God, show the girl some respect and buy her a damn shelf. Or a multi-tiered rack at least.

Not unrelatable? Is it safe to assume you are also familiar with Lima, Ohio?

I was merely stating a fact, which a quick Google search would provide you plenty of evidence of. And I don’t recall asking you for your experience with flying mammals and yet you did, and I don’t particularly really care for it either.

Ohio? Yeah, no, I wouldn’t be caught dead in Ohio. I was referring to your clear hatred for small towns and as someone whose hometown is Paris, France, I hold the same sentiment. 

Same. No one realizes how beneficial bullying can be. By pointing out how ugly someone’s outfit is, they won’t wear it again unless they’re a dumbass. It’s like a public service or giving back or something.

As someone who’s both female and gay, I totally approve of this decision. And look, there’s no way a men’s magazine would be as flawless as a women’s magazine, so it’s better anyways.

Exactly. If half the guys I slept with weren’t subjected to the mild public humiliation I put them through for the way they dressed, they would be nowhere near as cool and stylish as the men you see before you today. It’s a win-win scenario really.

Some people call me Bas, Seb, Bash. It really depends, I guess I’m the most partial to Bas.

1: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

no. let’s not clown ourselves, i talk to my parents as little as humanly possible and i think we all like it that way.

14: do you miss someone?

not in the way you’re probably implying. i miss people from law school that would by me drinks before i was legal, that kind of missing someone.

24: what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

it’s a surprise to absolutely no one, but it was french and art.

27: have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah, most likely. i hope to think so and if i haven’t, i’ve let myself down.

34: who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamed about being a model for gucci but what i was modeling myself, as if gucci was selling me. and i wasn’t against it.

39: how old were you when you had your first kiss?

technically nine, during spin the bottle, but my first real kiss with a guy was when i was twelve.

51: favourite food?

sole meunière with a glass of white wine.

56: how many people have you fist fought?

three. one of the times barely counts because i was drunk and started talking with my hands and hit some guy in the nose and he started swinging.

59: do you like the snow?

sure do. who doesn’t love a nice ski lodge trip.

You lost me at shoe shelf. Shoe rack, I get. A shelf when you walk in?

And hello to you Sebastian! I’m Dylan and the kid’s Ava. We drove in from Nashville a couple days ago. 

Listen, I like shoes and I don’t want them confined to a rack, am I not allowed to like shoes? Treat your daughter to some shoes and get yourself a shoe shelf.