kitchi's belle room

of all the things i wanted to do before i came home to my family, a date with my best friend is the one i looked forward to the most. finals happened, i almost went insane, and as june 7th approached, i found myself feeling more excited and alive than ever. i always give myself something to look forward to after a series of stressful days. and i know i wouldn't be seeing her for a long time, so i made an effort. i made sure to see her and to meet her where she is. i always knew she needed that. i could be myself around her. nothing felt forced, it never felt odd. this bond is special, it's a bond i can never trade for anything else. two thought daughters, smoking a fag, drinking coffee in poblacion, our middle. it never had to be anything special, really, we were making do with what was available, but nevertheless, it was still fabulous. i always had a fabulous time.

we processed the things that were weighing on us, and we thought about our relationships, our life. not a lot about the future, it's unspoken how all of it isn't set in stone. we talked about being friends for a long time, and how i know this will be true for us. i've never had a bad thought about her. i never talked badly about her. i wouldn't, and i couldn't. we talked about growing up and the growing pains of becoming an adult. she went through a lot when she was younger, and all i can think about is how she had the guts to go out there and make something of herself. how she is the epitome of someone who chooses to speak rather than to die. i am quite the opposite. but somehow, our friendship works. we understand each other.

mainly, we talked about how hard it is to maintain friendships. how distance, varying priorities, and life may get in the way. how so many things can substantially affect a person's presence in your life. how growing up may sometimes mean growing apart. i think it's more of a choice, really.

"maintaining the relationships that matter will never be hard if one knows how to meet another where they are."

that's what i believe. honestly, my friendships are mainly based on proximity, and i realized i have a fear of my friends moving away as i make my way through law school. every year, so many of them will leave. i have to remind myself that everything is meant to expand. my world will not shrink as they leave, it will only grow. and maybe, maybe i'll try to make room for more. i hope. i guess, probably. i figured it's a struggle to be open once again, but that's an issue for another time.

as they have jobs, pursue other endeavors, or find their own ways into the world, i find that while i will always support them where they are, i feared that my presence in their life will start to become smaller. i feared that as they move into new paths, there would be no room for me in it. but i know it's all about perspective. it's all just expansion, and if we meet each other where we are, it will never be hard. it isn't supposed to be.

i will continue to have my constants. they will always be there, in any sort of capacity. i have to keep telling myself that. i have to remember that to love and to be loved, is to consider and to be considered. what a lovely feeling it is to be thought about, and what a lovelier feeling it is to know that someone is thinking about you.

having trust in it and having faith is another challenge in itself. it's something i'll have to learn. i have to try. for three years, i'll be here. for three years, i will try to get used to it all. of all the things that me and my best friend talked about, i pondered the most about it. friendship is the most important to me. it's the closest thing i have to family when i'm in the city. i know, i know, that if it's meant to be, it will remain.

here's to the dates in poblacion, random calls, dinners in timog, smoke breaks in navarra or antonio, sleepovers in avida, clubbing in bgc, and chillnumans in katip. i will always have those memories. i will always have them with me, even if the people i made those memories with aren't here with me anymore.

i generally think that all of these were said because i was both weird and funny. i tend to have that effect on people. i'm pretentious and weird and unsettling. i guess that's what makes me ... well, me. unique, you could say.

this is the story of my first hook up. where i ended up just wanting it to be over, but also thinking about how i needed to release all the stress and tension i had. it helped, sure. i mean, it was okay. we got along well, i guess i was just weird and awkward and i didn't really want him that bad and just wanted to hit or whatever. i don't know. i don't really identify much with what i felt at the time because i think if i tried determining what i actually felt in the moment, i would either be lying or be incorrect about it.

i wouldn't count on myself to do something like that again. i'm not a girlfriend girl, i think that's pretty clear, but it would be so exhausting having to find a man every now and then to hook up with. i guess? i don't fucking know. i'd rather have a fuck buddy, definitely. it would be so much more safe and convenient. i don't want to get sick nor do i want to risk doing fucked up shit. i can do without the aftercare, i can do without all of it. actually, dude tried but i was so weird and closed off that he couldn't really get through. point, chai.

i could easily js go on bumble and look for a fubu <3 i'd rather just ... do that. solid experience, though, i'd give it a 7/10 because dude had money and a place.

0404 — 10-minute journal entry (how much can i dump in ten minutes?)

they say ten to fifteen minutes is better than nothing, and that's what i tried doing today with respect to my work in school. i wanted to study and i wanted to try working again because i have exams and more hectic school days to come. it feels overwhelming because it's a lot and i kept thinking about it for the duration of my easter break. then i came back to what i always tell myself when i find myself wanting to quit: fifteen minutes is better than nothing. i can't keep thinking aboit the perfect study session or the necessary circumstances and the environment i have to be in just to be able to lock in. i know i shouldn't blame myself, it isn't anyone's fault. this week was supposed to be a week of rest. i have to give that to mysef because it is what's warranted. i got to learn something today, and even though i felt so frustrated because i didn't think that i was able to retain what i was studying, i'm sure it is definitely better than nothing. i still learned something. all we need is a better recall system. it will come to me, i'm sure of it.

i smoked significantly less today. i wanted to cut back. one of my friends told me my voice has changed, and it might be the incessant smoking. prices have gone up, and it isn't exactly the best for my health. it's alarming to think that one pack lasts for less than 48 hours with me. it's insane that i quit vaping because cigarettes would make me consume less nicotine (and that it would be cheaper), but i find that it's what's making me lose money because i smoke at every little feeling of discomfort and inconvenience. i shouldn't do that. so today, i regulated myself much more. i think i only smoked three to four cigarettes today. it's much less than what i've been smoking for the past months. it helps curb cravings though? i'm losing an insane amount of weight now.

locking in and being as disordered as i was when i was eighteen or nineteen brings me back. i feel weird about it, and i know i basically just eat one meal a day, but i think it has to be less than that. i find that i get full faster now and my appetite is so shit because of the coffee and the nicotine and the fact that i can't keep food down. lately, i've been chewing and spitting. yesterday, i actually made myself throw up because i ate more than one meal. today, i didn't. i actually was hungry. i've also been doing waist training and it's done wonders to my body. i've been moving around a lot more and getting myself into a better routine especially now that i'm alone.

so many things are better done alone and in private. no one can ever ruin this for me.

breathing exercises

for anxiety: https://youtu.be/eZBa63NZbbE?si=tJwcpx3N-fSkSMUb

for panic attacks: https://youtu.be/8vkYJf8DOsc?si=geLIrULms_LWZew7

for stress: https://youtu.be/7Ep5mKuRmAA?si=T5j5RSVUvkAkXxXj

meditation

for manifestation: https://youtu.be/HfVXwA6L154?si=3TxtHS8kH1tcZnF-

for relaxation: https://youtu.be/tuiQxBB67wI?si=3yQYj2hactq_mnm9

for mindfulness: https://youtu.be/ssss7V1_eyA?si=8FkqpqEbbm8Hxd3n

somatic healing (eft tapping)

for self-love: https://youtu.be/oZ0Oxv0O9MY?si=43AgkjBFYE-T-M_S

for healing: https://youtu.be/xYwRVp0HLaA?si=osMblRqip1QDTN3S

for releasing resistance: https://youtu.be/wo8wRUmdups?si=E1HC-Rhn1HSm59uk

09222025 — 25-minute journal challenge

Today, I wanted to try something different with my journal practice. And as someone who religiously practices the pomodoro method in studying and writing tasks, I found it nice to spend a 25-minute break just to journal and dump all of my thoughts.

September is almost over, and I think it's wonderful. I've been thriving in law school despite getting sick during the first few weeks; I spent time with the ones I love and was able to bond with them and strengthen my relationships with them, and lastly, I got to maintain my law school grind and routine that has kept me sane and grounded during my first month. I am nothing but grateful for everything that happened this month despite some bumps in the road. It was okay, and I was still able to give myself grace and uphold my strength and character throughout all of those things.

I'd like to air out some of my thoughts that have somehow gotten to me this past month because I somewhat struggled with it. First, I felt that being sick altered my routine to a degree that I probably wouldn't have liked. Yes, it's functional, yes, I get everything done, but it isn't the same. It felt off and weird that I was staying up late and then continuing my afternoon naps when I know that I had to somewhat give that up and improve my sleep quality and memory retention for law school. I'm getting back into it though as my health gets better. I know I shouldn't keep snoozing my alarms or turning them off anymore. I'm more disciplined now, especially now that I'm in law school. It's getting better though, I still get everything done, but I wish my sleep quality wouldn't be so affected anymore.

Another crazy hurdle is the matter of my seasonal depression and the constant suspension of classes. I like my time alone and I like staying at home for days on end, but the weather has really gotten me down that I end up missing my family, my friends, and my older routines. The rain has got me sleeping in the afternoon or by 5:30 PM, which isn't exactly good for my sleep. It pains me sometimes to have that change, but I understand it now, and I know what to do. All I have to do is reset. This is everything I have been trying to do; Thank God for me being so high-functioning and Thank God that I'm super duper smart. I'm really happy and thankful to be so gifted or to be blessed with good comprehension and reading skills that it isn't too hard to keep up with anything that needs to get done with my readings. All of that aside, I also felt like I had to be a bit more experimental with studying, although I've found the routine for me and what helps me the best. I understand all of it now and I am much better at being a student and in accomplishing all the habits I need to continue employing. This is a good thing.

I know that being bitchless is never bad, and that my life is already full of wonderful people and relationships that I've made not only through law school but also in my college life. It never really feels empty, and of course, my family is always there and they never fail to call and show me how much they love and support me all throughout this journey. It takes a village, of course. But sometimes I wonder if I should also try making other meaningful connections and sever the ones that never really make me feel good or cause me a lot of discomfort and doubt. It pains me to think about those relationships and those that have suffered because I could either never maintain them or that there was so much built-in resentment that I couldn't just help but want to leave that all behind. But going back to the bitchless part, maybe a fine shyt won't really solve it, and maybe I'm just projecting over something, but I can never deny that I want one sometimes. Just like what Lorelai Gilmore said, someone to pick up the slack. I know I'm never alone even though I've been living in this city for three years already, but it feels a bit off sometimes. There might be something missing. However when I do think about it, I end up going back to the idea that maybe I only prefer the idea of it rather than the actual thing. I hope that isn't the case though, because at this time of my life, I like to think that I'm more ready compared to the time I told myself i was (even though I really wasn't). I'm still someone who would go with the flow and just be okay with whatever, but at least this time, if I say that I can, then I know I can.

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety and I know it's because of law school, but following the teachings of the universe has really helped me. It made me realize that this is just an old frequency trying to push through and make me feel bad about myself when I know I shouldn't. I should never let myself get fazed by this reality too much because I know that most of it isn't what it seems and that I have some degree of control over it because I have some degree of control over myself. This is what I believe in, and i like to think that I'm so lucky to be here and that I am supported enough in everything. When the first five weeks lapsed, I had some weird second thoughts but then again, those are just thoughts. I never really felt that way about law school. I always felt like I belonged and that it was my place. That thought never really was emotionally driven, but I did feel overwhelmed over some things as exams were coming. I know I can do it, and I've practiced, and understood as much as I could. I never go to class unprepared, and I am always one step ahead. Those things alone help remind me that I am where I am meant to be and that there is nothing to be worried about.

September has been really nice to me so far, and apart from the anxiety and the dread I sometimes feel, I like to go back to where I've started and the reasons why I am here. I know why I am doing this, and I know what I am capable of. Nothing is too far out of my reach. I am good. I am the best, actually. I am the whole goddamn thing and no one can ever tell me otherwise. I just had some bad juju or some bumps in the road, but I like to think that I've handled all of them so gracefully that no one in that class who doesn't really know me, can ever see me sweat. By hook or by crook, I swear that. I am topping my class, I am topping that mock bar, and I am bringing home that #1 spot in the 2029 Bar Exams for myself, my family, and the community that brought me to where I am.

There's still a week left in September, so many good things are afloat. I can't wait to know what's in store. I can't wait to do well in all my exams. I used to only aspire about this, but now I am here. I have been taking the right steps, my mind is aligned and clear, and I am where I am meant to be. Nothing will stand in my way and nothing can ever make me stand down.

I am marking this, I am claiming this to myself. This is where I'm at. This is where I am meant to be. No one and nothing can tell me otherwise.

01 - everything seems to be in order, everything is alright.

02 - note to self: look for black pouch.

03 - i like how good friends we are and investing in this friendship is good because i align with [redacted] on so many levels.

04 - i am thankful that i am able to also start over.

05 - im happy i got to spend this day with people i love.

06 - tomorrow will be better, and i'll have a better mood and a better outlook.

07 - it is with this boundary that i realized how important it is for me to set them to have a healthier relationship with myself and others.

08 - attention beats intention.

09 - it is true that there is so much of everything to go around.

10 - funny how instantly things happen.

11 - i never broke down in tears over polsci, im never going to start that in law school.

12 - nothing's really changed in terms of action, only frequency.

13 - i am practicing kindness more and more and i am remaining in my frequency.

14 - "do you want me to just find someone else?"

15 - wow this is so cool.

16 - i believe i'm on my way to having a healthy law school/life balance.

17 - despite feeling a bit lonely lately, i'm glad i'm with my people.

18 - when i tried forcing it, it didn't happen.

19 - i denounce my annoyance.

20 - i am not fighting for my life this time.

21 - if i really could, i would just run away as my sagi sun directs me to do.

22 - it's great to get some things off my chest.

23 - everything is good.

24 - i know i am going somewhere.

25 - action is not creation, it is only a vessel.

26 - i do not have to struggle just to get what i want.

27 - this is a complex of ease.

28 - i'm grateful for everything i have.

29 - things just ... happen, in the best ways.

30 - i don't feel like this life isn't for me or doesn't fit me.

31 - it's probably just mirroring what could have happened if it didn't happen that way (iykyk).

01 — think first, then speak. you'll get through it, crystiana. this is your moment. you'll get in. you will.

02 — THE INTERVIEW ONLY LASTED 5 MINUTES GODDAMN BRO JUST MADE CHIKA AND ASKED ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY BACKGROUND

03 — despite the weather i think this is going to be a great day. a good rest day for me too !

04 — [image] this is the entry

05 — exercise does help with endorphins, mood, and sleep 🤣 even for just 5 minutes a day ... NO WONDER I DONT FEEL LIKE GOING INSANE

06 — BRUH NAGPAPARINIG NAKO SAYO MAGREPLY KA NA ANONG NEED MO HA JUSKO PERO NGL IF MAY MEANING YUN THANK YOU LORD

07 — today i bought an issy palette. i spent 1k on makeup again. im crazy.

08 — kishi nabaliw kay [redacted] . tldr .

09 — for someone so forgetful, he remembers a lot of stuff ???

10 — i physically cant take this shit man i feel like crying and im slightly overthinking because what if he doesnt like me

11 — i know i have a fuck ass spending problem

12 — date with cai was a success and im so happy

13 — i was crying (?) and it was weird because he was explaining and whatever

14 — this place is so weird without papa. i miss papa.

15 — no matter where i am, i do the same things

16 — UY CRUSH NYA ATA AKO ULIT HEHEHEHEHEHE MISS U

17 — i miss my friends. im kinda scared of going back to square one.

18 — i got into ust fcl ;)

19 — i was supposed to do my makeup, but there really are no cute lighting places in this house ... I LICH RALLY CANT SEE SHIT MAN

20 — i had crazy dreams.

21 — dreamt that [redacted] and i were on a date LOL

22 — things happened the way i intended, but somehow it kinda hurt. even then, i knew deep down, that he wasn't right for me.

23 — im sorry that that choice had to be made. it really just felt like i had to force everything.

24 — it feels weird and also insane to me, probably because my feelings for [redacted] are real.

25 — i dreamt about [redacted] last night ???

26 — 2023 really is making a comeback, with subtle alterations.

27 — i guess to some degree, i never got too close before because i knew how similar i was with the person she was trying to move on from.

28 — nero has helped put things into perspective all the time. im grateful to revisit all of that.

29 — i firmly believe that i dont have to give up anything but my ego to live the life i want.

30 — god i missed him i missed him he's the only one i want pls pls pls i forgot how much i really missed him

31 — i'll be leaving in 2 days, and i know a lot of things await me, but i feel less overwhelmed.

there really was so much of the desperation and the denial that made me think i could pull it off. i failed that. i couldn't pull it off on my own.

i feel a lot better about a lot of things that used to make me feel so anxious, and it's good that i have so much. i am only grateful for the good feelings i have and how wonderful it is to live like this.

i saw a lot of people today whom i like very much, and i saw the love of my life. good lord the yearning on both sides is tremendous, when will we ever come together for real without any impediments?

i choose to enjoy myself and live life the way i want to live while successfully fulfilling my obligations in all aspects of my life. it will all work out, it will all be alright. there is nothing to fear and nothing to feel bad about. everything is coming together and although feeling overwhelmed is normal, ive felt that through almost every big change in my life and ive gotten through all of it in no time.

in that moment i felt so crazy because looking at him meant feeling worse. he looked so exhausted. i never wanted him to see me like that, he wasn't supposed to be the one to take care of me. sometimes, it really is rotten work.

we will never speak of this again, but this probably is just self-sabotage and an intense time out. he'll always have me, whether he believes me or not. i'll always be a friend. it isn't so bad.

i always thought we were mr. peanutbutter and diane, and how optimistic i was even though i knew it back then. in my bones, i knew. it felt that way, and i spent so much of that relationship trying to deny it. back then, i thought we would beat the odds that mr. peanutbutter and diane had, but i never really loved him, i suppose. i always thought we were mr. peanutbutter and diane, but better. i knew how they ended, and god forbid we ended up with the same fate.

he only really loved me when it was easy and when he didn't really know anything. it all crashed down on me when he knew who i was. there was no winning there, huh? but like diane, i have everything i want now. maybe. i have my silver lining.

I found out a lot of things, but then again, I have things to think about. And also, why bother with this, right? why should i bother thinking about something that has already passed?

college is over. here i am, and i can't help but feel like i should just stand still. i'd like to stand still for a while. i'd like to just be here. it feels deafening.

never let anyone see you sweat. that's always the mantra. never let anyone see it. it's you. it's you. it's you.

sometimes, as rare a feeling as it is, i do feel a bit guilty for seeing him as a means to an end. a machiavellian indeed.

i always knew that there was once a time that i did. it felt weird hating you for the remainder of our relationship, but there was love once. i was fond of you once.

despite those feelings deep down, you could have been the one because i said so. even though i wasnt too sure with you from the get go. it's why there were thoughts of going beyond the experiment.

the guilt is there because i chose my pride and the importance of experience. the guilt is there because without those pretenses, without those games, without the fucking experiment, you could have been the one and i would definitely have done everything to keep you because beyond the experiment, at some point, i think we had a shot.