Smiling_Dom

Think about it, two sadists want to have some fun, but they don’t want to hurt each other. So, they pull you out of your cage in the basement, dragging you up to their room by your hair.

They’ll take turns beating you, humiliating you, shocking you, making you cry, and making fun of your denial. They’ll inspire each other to be more mean to you, offering suggestions on how to increase your suffering even further. They’ll laugh at the drippy mess you can’t help but making, even though it hurts so much. Maybe one will straddle you and pin you down so you can’t squirm while the other canes you relentlessly.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the emotional, mental, and physical support given to someone after a scene, especially one that is intense, vulnerable, or taxing. However, aftercare is an essential part of sexual activity in general–not just BDSM scenes–as it's a mutual expression of vulnerability and empathy after engaging in sexual charged activity.

Examples of Aftercare

Cuddling

Blankets, soft clothes, and warmth

Water and snacks

Gentle praise and reassurance

Taking a shower or bath together

Journaling to decompress in silence

Giving each other space if requested

Checking in the next day

Applying ointment to bruised or sore spots

Talking through what happened and how it made you feel

Why is aftercare important?

Scenes can trigger intense physiological and psychological responses as endorphins, adrenaline, and dopamine spike during play. These neurotransmitters and hormones drop, causing individuals–most notably submissives (sub drop)–to experience exhaustion, shakiness, disconnect, or anxiety.

Aftercare softens that landing as an individual comes down from the "high" of play. It helps partners rebuild trust and restore emotional balance in their relationships.

Aftercare Looks Different for Everyone

There is no one-size-fits-all formula for aftercare so it's important that you and your partner(s) discuss what works best for you. Some people might need to be held in silence, while others need praise and reassurance. The key is to know what you need and communicate it clearly to your partner(s).

What if I don't know what I need?

When you're just starting out in kink, or you're playing with something new, you might not be entirely sure what aftercare works best for you. It's important to know that is completely normal. Sometimes you might not even feel the effects of play until hours or days after, so remember to give yourself–and your partner–grace during this journey.

Start simple and try out different things you like, such as:

Asking for water and a warm blanket

Writing about your feelings after play in a journal

Discussing the scene with your partner

Letting your partner know when, or if, you feel "off"

Can I give myself aftercare?

Yes! You may between partners or choose to explore BDSM alone. Solo scenes, masturbation with kink elements, or the emotional processing of fantasies still require gentle, supportive self-aftercare that can help build a solid understanding of your needs when you do engage with other. Some things to try/consider include, but are not limited to:

Taking a warm bath

Journaling your feelings

Wrapping up in a soft blanket

Meditation

Speaking kindly to yourself

Watching a comfort movie

*Self-awareness in kink is just as lengthy of a journey as it is in your vanilla life, and your needs will evolve the more you play and reflect/discover your identity. Even long-term kinksters are still learning and discovering things about themselves and the lifestyle.*

Different Types of Play Require Different Types of Aftercare

I always specify that aftercare is deeply personal and will look different from individual to individual, but it's important to note that certain scenes require certain aftercare considerations as types of play effect the body and psyche differently.

Impact Play

Impact play often leaves the body sore and adrenaline-drained so it's important that you and your partner are addressing those needs together. Consider physical touch, cuddling, cleaning any wounds, ointment, hydration, warmth, and creating a calm environment for both individuals to level out.

Degradation or Humiliation

Degradation and humiliation may create emotional bruises, so aftercare should focus on healing those wounds. Consider gentle words, reaffirming love and respect, and focusing on reinforcing the value you hold for your partner(s).

Fear Play or CNC

CNC comes with many risk, but grounding and emotional reassurance are likely the two most important things to take into consideration. You have to distinguish reality from fantasy and re-establish safety and consent with your partner(s).

Rope Bondage or Restraint

Rope bondage can cause physical strain and emotional vulnerability. It's important to consider untying your partner slowly, massaging their body, helping them stretch, checking circulation, and spending some tender quality time together.

Discuss Aftercare Before the Scene

Aftercare should always be a part of your pre-scene negotiation. It's an act of love and consent that shows your partner you care about how they feel after play just as much as you do during play. Some questions your may want to ask include, but are not limited to:

What helps you feel grounded again?

Do you like physical touch after a scene?

Would you rather talk or just rest?

Do you tend to drop later?

Debriefing

Having conversations with your partner(s) after a scene, or a day or two later, can help strengthen trust and make future scenes safer and more fulfilling for those involved. Some points to discuss include, but are not limited to:

What felt good

What didn't feel good

What surprised you

What could have been done differently

Aftercare Doesn't Always End After a Scene

Drop, or emotional echos, can hit hours or days after a scene. Don't assume everything's fine because your partner smiled at the end of a scene. Follow up and check in with each other. Hold space for processing any emotions you might experience as they come up. Remember to communicate. Communication is essential in kink, and you should always feel that you can openly and honestly communicate with your partner.

What is Drop?

Drop refers to the emotional and physical crash that can happen after a scene, play session, or intense emotional exchange. Both dominants and submissives can experience Drop. It's a natural response to the intensity of BDSM, not a sign that something went wrong. Drop can look like:

Sadness

Exhaustion

Anxiety

Detachment

Shame

Irritability

Disconnection

Guilt

Feeling uneasy without knowing why

Why does Drop happen?

BDSM scenes are emotional and chemical peaks that demand trust, adrenaline, vulnerability, and intense physical experiences. Once the scene ends, your body and mind recalibrate resulting in a crash.

Sub Drop

Sub drop is the most commonly discussed type of drop. It occurs when a submissive's body comes down from the high of a scene. Aftercare ensures that a submissive can come down from the "high" of a scene in a safe and supportive manner. When the chemicals released during play come down, crash can look like:

Emotional vulnerability

Shakiness

Crying or anxiety

Physical fatigue or soreness

Feelings of rejection, worthlessness, or confusion

A sense of "what did I just do?"

Dom Drop

Dom drop, while less talked about, is just as real and important as sub drop. Being in control, guiding someone's vulnerability, and managing a scene is mentally and emotionally intense. Aftercare ensures that a dominant can come down from the "high" of a scene in a healthy manner.

Dom drop can be triggered by:

The weight of responsibility

Fear they went “too far” in a scene

A sense of guilt after a degradation or pain-based scene

Emotional release from being intensely present and controlled

The sudden loss of power dynamic when a scene ends

Symptoms may include:

Guilt or shame

Emotional fatigue

Depression-like symptoms

Disconnection or numbness

Questioning themselves or their role

That's okay, what you're wearing looks good on you.

You need to take a lot of breaks doing anything intimate because you're easily overwhelmed?

I understand, I'm just happy to be here with you.

You're on medication that impacts your libido/makes reaching orgasm really difficult?

No pressure, tell me what feels good for you, and if you get frustrated we can do something else together.

Sex isn't going to look the same for everybody and that's fine, that's normal.

Sometimes you don't orgasm, sometimes you need to stop because your mood changes out of nowhere, sometimes you get really self conscious and need accommodations to take your mind off of it.

Sometimes I approach him, show myself off or seduce him. I’m in a mood.

I want something, usually a hard fuck that will leave me sore. But it’s rude to place my wants front and center - to steal his show. So I put myself on offer and see if he’s interested.

He smiles, welcoming my overture. His cock hardens and he shows it to me.

I smile too. Maybe this will go my way? Maybe if I—

“I want your mouth.” “Worship it.” “I want a blowjob.” “Show me how much you love my cock.”

The hopeful butterflies in my belly drop all at once to pulse angrily in my cunt. What I want couldn’t matter less. He expects to get his way. And it’s oral. It’s always oral. It is irrelevant to him that my cunt is drooling between my legs, throbbing for attention. He doesn’t even look up at me to see my expression. He gets himself comfortable and waits for me.

I swallow my pride, I work to rearrange my thinking. I obey. The soft, warm skin meets my tongue and masculine scent fills my nose. Those difficult thoughts fade out into a fog.

Much better. I love doing this. How lucky I am that he lets me adore him. Each sweet little drip from his tip is a treat.

He groans, unloading semen down my hungry throat. I am not dismissed. My warm mouth holds him tenderly as he softens. I nuzzle into him, enjoying the closeness he allows me.

He hardens again in my mouth. His fingers entwine with my hair and his hips begin to thrust.

Making sure she knows her place <3