I have been overweight my entire life. I have yo yo dieted, lost 50 pounds, gained 20, lost a total of 80, gained 30... its been never ending and i think i get it now. Mental health comes first. I have to be right mentally before i ever become physically healthy...depression is something i have lived with for as long as i can remember having emotions… ive been on several types of anti depression meds, sometimes at the same time. I guess in the pharmaceutical world i was successfully treated for depression… but in MY world i was just numbed, from the years 19-24ish i cant really remember feeling alive… what i remember was numbness. i didnt feel anything about anything. i ate out of comfort, i wasnt eating to live, let myself go physically…mentally i was gone, years passed with feeling nothing…i can only compare it to a comatose state of mind….i lost relationships, friendships and eventually connection altogether.i lived in a little bubble alone because i believe that i became a zombie like person, not even capable of life… im proud to be able to say that i quit medications cold turkey and have been off of them for a good amount of this year….while i was adjusting to coming off i had no control over all these emotions… life started getting really hard..socializing on any level overwhelmed me, i over worked myself because work kaila was all i had been for the last 5 years…i literally felt socially retarted…i also had hit my own personal rock bottom… experiencing my first anxiety attacks.. to me i felt like i was living hell on earth. in those moments of living in absolute fear i had found peace in death and i welcomed it because what i was feeling was all consuming, what i was feeling was unbearable agony and i just wanted it to end so badly i had rationalized my death but there was one thing i couldnt let go of.. i couldnt let go of the thought of the life i could have…so with the help of a friend for support and the current knowledge on the chakras and meditation i was able to overcome those feelings and survived what is now just a really low in my life.. ..im sharing this because it sort of defines who i was, who i no longer am..and i believe it is absolutely crucial to make mental health your number one priority because the rest of your life depends on it...Learning to cope with life was hard, now I want to connect to the world again… which brings me to the present… sitting here at b&n writing this.. coming here today took courage. i had to push through the feelings of fearing being in public.. my fear of ordering a green tea at the cafe because i had to acutally talk to someone, fear of sitting a table next to someone else, the fear of making eye contact, the clammy hands, the hot cheeks, the little voice in my head that doesnt shut up … i did it because as small and minor it may seem to come here, it is actually a huge step forward for me. a huge step towards the life i want for myself, towards the person i want to become.... my dream self is someone who doesnt fear connection but thrives off of it.
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