In an effort to be more green, this decade I am beginning my first journal entry online. No more paper journals for me, I’ve been through at least 9 since I was 9 years old.
I’m starting this new year with old thoughts. One I didn’t leave in the last decade that I probably should have. I’m dating this guy who’s sister is dating another guy. I’ve been around for 2.5 years. My guys’ sister’s guy has been around for 1. But in that 1 year, he has successfully made my guys’ family fall in love with him tenfold. While I’m certain I hold status: half Christian hoe. In fact, he’s sooner to become legitimized into the family than me very quickly. They’re engaged to marry this summer.
I don’t know exactly why I am so plagued/ perturbed/ petrified/ pissed that I have been so swiftly passed up. Even though much of my familial bonding delay was of my own doing. Not that it wasn’t initiated by my guys’ father. I own my perpetuation.
I feel like I’ve lost. Will never be the family favorite. Secondary. Tertiary once my guys’ brother has someone. Will never waltz as comfortably into their house without my guy home. Will never be the one they asked to take them to the airport, pick up the mail, put the garbage out. Will never be the immediate one. Will never do many things but it’s because I don’t like to do many of the things that my guys’ family enjoys. I’ve never been in this role before.
In my family, I am all those. I am #1. I was and am #1. Most cherished, loved and sought out. I’ve somehow equated my accessibility and willingness to help the measurement of how much my family knows loves and trusts me.
To add, my guy doesn’t care. He is the self-proclaimed black sheep of his family but then that means I’m the black sheep’s black girlfriend. And that is certainly not the role that I had dreamt for myself. I’m hoping to get over this by the end of the decade. Will document here.
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