apathetic.

It’s been 2 years. I still miss you, I think about you every day. I can’t even begin to apologize for what I put you through. I was so lost and in pain and I had to leave. I was weak, I wish I could have been stronger. It felt like every forward step I made I fell two steps backwards.

I don’t have any excuses. It’s my fault. I let the pills and pressure take control. I was just too lost.

Depression is weird. It doesn’t make any sense and if you haven’t been through it, it’s hard to understand. I wasn’t depressed because of you, but I certainly took it out on you. That is the last thing that I wanted, and it’s not who I am. It sort of felt like being trapped inside of my own head while some psychopath ruined my friendships and pushed everyone I loved away.

When I got back home, I had to be weened off the pills. It was torture. Everything I had been using to numb the pain was gone. Out of reach. And on top of that I had just lost the love of my life. Every dream was a nightmare, every time I closed my eyes I saw your face. I couldn’t stop drinking, I gained 40 pounds in less than 3 months. I couldn’t sleep.

I started a job and I was working with kids, remember how I hated kids? Not anymore. They gave me a reason to get up in the morning, to get dressed, to be my best. But still, it was draining. I would work all day with a painted on smile and tear stained eyes. The second I walked through the door at home I would collapse in a heap and just bawl. This went on for months and months.

I graduated in May of 2017. I got a job offer in June of 2017. I came back in July. Just like I said I would, I came back for you.

I didn’t expect you to be waiting, I think deep down I knew you had moved on. But I didn’t think you would care so little. You had every right to not talk to me or think about me, I wish it was different though.

I’ve dated a handful of people since then, but none of them stacked up. I lose interest in other people within hours of meeting them. It really feels like no one else is good enough. 

None of this was your fault. Although we both could have been better, I take most of the blame. I am the reason this happened and I understand that. If I had taken care of my mental health none of this would have come to pass.

It’s been nearly two years now, and with each passing moment the pain dulls and dulls. I don’t think it will ever truly go completely away. But that’s okay, it’s a constant reminder of my mistakes and hopefully I will never repeat them again.

I’m doing pretty well now though. I have a well paying job, I work with families and bring joy to lots of little kids. I have connections to my community and feel fulfilled in my work. I see my friends constantly and we are all happy and well. My beautiful dorky little cat waits by the door for me to get home every day. I am still on my own, but I think that is okay. I’m waiting for someone special and I think we all deserve that.

I wish you nothing but happiness and success in your life. If anyone deserves it, it is you.