Ash's Autism Blog

something I've been thinking about recently is that I often want to pursue a lot of creative endeavors but I keep coming to the conclusion over and over that I don't really have anything to say. everything that I would want to say has already been said, and probably better than I could say it really, and I'm also not really the type to speak unless spoken to. it's odd because I know that I am very much in touch with how I feel I just don't really know how to express it creatively.

its getting really annoying being online these days. everyone is so ready to jump down everyone elses throat over NOTHING dude. someone posts a recipe and the comments are all "what if i dont like the main ingredient?" "oh you dont have a version thats 100% allergen free? well that makes you a horrible bigot" like guys they are literally actively mass genociding and enslaving people halfway across the world from you and instead of doing literally ANYTHING helpful to anyone youre like posing as activists online? shut the fuck up. "that chocolate was made with slavery btw" well..so was most of the shit in your house man maybe do something about it. acting morally superior to other people doesnt make them.open to your ideas it makes you seem like an asshole and no one will listen to you. but i guess thats easier than actually having a genuine belief in something right?

its kinda nuts thinking about how like...if we never evolved past the ape stage im pretty sure i would have been like torn limb from limb by a group of other apes by now for some unknown slight against them. i wonder if there are any autistic apes and what their life is like.

growing up with a dad who i suspect is undiagnosed autistic was a really interesting experience. my mother, despite the fact that she did not have custody of me, managed to villanise his autistic traits and suggest that he was simply abusive towards me. looking back over the years, it has become increasingly obvious that he genuinely didnt understand what was wrong with his behaviour, and had no way of knowing he was doing anything wrong at all. he expected things to follow routine and order, and was very upset when it didnt. he only engaged with a few interests and wanted me to engage with them too. he didnt like when i branched off to do my own thing or that inwas simply different because this upset his routine and order and way of things. eventually i left his home and we dont really speak anymore. i think his life is maybe just easier without me in it, which is fair. there are lots of people i have felt that way about before. i also know that i am likely a reminder of his mistakes. his shame. and he cant face up to it. i think that must be hard for him sometimes. im sure he thinks about it, and if he and i are anything alike im certain hes been thinking about it for a long, long time. i wasnt really able to understand as a kid but i often wonder what he must have gone through in his life up till now. we never got to know eachother like that

part of how i understand the world is through special interests, and the thing that comes up for me most frequently is human sociology in relation to our primate instincts. this sort of thinking is flawed in some regards but im not really able to reconcile things any other way, so basically all human behaviour i think of in the context of primates and primate socialization in general. i have been considering trying to write a boddy horror type novel using this concept but i havent fully fleshed it out yet. sometimes i get the imagery in mind but cant articulate it exactly.

Something i think is really interesting about a lot of online discussions is the idea of who is educated and who isnt. unless you have specialized education in a certain field, you know about the same as anyone else. you have (generally) the same access to information, the same capability, etc. that anyone else has. But for some reason theres a lot of intellectual superiority contests that happen between like..two chuds with a GED. or whatever. and like idk maybe you dont need to be smarter than everyone or know more. educating yourself is great if you know how but most people dont actually know how. they just know how to read stuff online and believe it because it feels right.