Don't Kaidan me!

Kay: “A scratch? Your arm’s almost off!”

Kat: “No it isn’t.”

Right, the vision. Kaidan felt a little bad about Shepard having to push him aside and take the brain melting or whatever for him. Not that Kaidan got off scot free, his punishment had been a migraine that was still lingering about but not strong enough to bother him much. As for joining minds Kaidan wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Sure it was interesting but also it did sound a little terrifying too. “Yeah, I kind of missed the part in the book of life where it says older age equals more credibility. Your work is brilliant no doubt, I’m sure the Council will see the importance of it and the evidence we have.” Yes experience did mean more wisdom but not always, what should matter most was reliability and Liara was very reliable even if they’d know her for a very short time.

“Yeah, every species has that something that’s unique. Met a rather… unpleasant vorcha once, he said humans are annoying.” He said it with a soft chuckle as he didn’t take offence when it was said although it was meant as such. Humans could be ignorant to the bigger picture and how the galaxy worked so he could see where the insult stemmed from. “Anything you want to ask you can ask me. If I don’t know the answer I’m sure there’s a manual or something with an answer.” It’s not like he was too busy anyhow. Kaidan ended up stopping shortly when Liara followed him, a little surprised but he smiled softly and nodded, “Of course. And you can call me Kaidan. Or whatever makes you most comfortable.” It’d feel weird having been serving so long, to address someone in a familiar way while on duty. Once in the mess Kaidan grabbed two cups and some coffee, bringing them to the table before sitting down. “I got to ask though, what’s the first thought that came to your mind when you heard about humans for the first time?”

“I hope you’re right. I want them to believe us. If the Protheans tried to give us some clues about the future, we need to use them. To prepare ourselves for what’s to come.” Liara is not sure if someone will listen to them, though. The Council is stubborn, but hopefully, Shepard will be even more. Saren was dangerous. It’s something Liara is convinced of. And that vision she has seen when she connected her mind with Shepard’s… what does it mean ? She hopes they will find more of them soon, to make sure they get to understand these visions. It’s coming from the Protheans, after all, and Liara has always studied them. But maybe that vision is more IMPORTANT than everything else she has seen.

“Well… maybe it’s fifty-fifty when it comes to humans. I don’t think I’ve met an annoying alien yet but then again I’ve been stuck on Alliance ships most of my career.” Citadel was like a new world for him, Liara no doubt was accustomed to all races given that most of them lived among each other on different planets and on the Citadel. Except for humans. “It takes a little getting used to, I’m guessing you’re more used to quiet ruins than a small spaceship filled with people. Can’t say it’s paradise but… it’s home.” Or the closest thing to a home the soldier aboard had. “Don’t worry about it, it’ll come in time. I won’t be offended if you call me lieutenant if you won’t be offended by me calling you doctor.” After all they’d just met.

Explaining the entire situation there and then was complicated and quite frankly personal. As happy as Kay was seeing Kat he didn’t feel like going into personal details there and then, maybe he was afraid no matter what he said things might not be the same they used to be. “I work alone and I get the job done, either the Cerberus way or my way. Alliance wouldn’t have let me, hell they wouldn’t even probably believe you’re alive but when I found out Cerberus was bringing you back I had to make sure they did.” And he hoped they hadn’t changed a single hair on her, he didn’t want a copy. He wanted the woman he’d cared for dearly.

“Look I know the sparkly eyed fucker wants me on board with you but the Kat I know wouldn’t just take orders from him. I’m not here to spy, keep track or hold you on a leash for him, you know my loyalty was always to you and it still is. If you accept it though. I’d understand if you didn’t and didn’t take me with you.” His last sentence was said with a slightly sad tone because he wanted to be with her more than anything but if he was realistic he knew there’d be a lot of rebuilding between them.

But she didn't show it. She stiffened, posture closed off, showing her mixed discomfort and uncertainty. She let Kaidan talk, but she didn't fully buy it. Not exactly, anyway. He didn't trust them, he hated the uniform... He didn't like The Illusive Man, either, it seemed. He worked alone, got the job done... but what about the Alliance? And him, wanting to ensure she was brought back to life? Let the dead rest and care for the living, a famous author had once said... surely Kaidan could've taken that advice, couldn't he?

"Complicated? Complicated?" The disbelief in her tone was evident. She strolled right past him, resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she did. She kept her back to him, fighting to keep herself under control. "It's been two years," she stated monotonously as she turned back around, like she were reciting it. "The Kaidan I remember was dedicated to the Alliance. Hell--the only person I know more dedicated to them was Ash." Ashley's loyalty to the Alliance was unprecedented, given the way she was treated. She turned around again, clenching and unclenching her fist to mask just how much her hands were shaking.

Two years.

Two years.

Except it didn't feel like it. It felt like overnight. It felt like yesterday, they'd been shot down by the Collectors. It felt like last week, they'd been laughing and eating dinner in the mess, Ashley teasing Kaidan and Kaidan teasing back, making them all laugh. It felt like just a few months ago they'd raced through the waterway on Ilos, past the geth that threatened to stop them from reaching the Conduit, launching the Mako halfway across the galaxy into the heart of the Citadel.

His loyalty was to her--but he's with Cerberus. He's here because of her--but he's with Cerberus. He's not here to spy--but he's with Cerberus. What was she supposed to believe? He wasn't Alliance. He didn't seem like the old Kaidan she knew. He'd changed. He was different. That smile didn't seem the same. Everything felt different. Everything. Just like Mindoir. Just like when she'd lost her family; everything was so sudden and overwhelming. So many thoughts going through her head in such a short span of time; in the few seconds she'd walked past him, turned her back to him, she'd started to clam up, unable to find words or reactions... except one.

"Don't talk to me about complicated!" She turned, and with a cry of utter frustration, she glowed for a brief second before upturning the small coffee table with a wave of her hand, sending whatever decorations were on top of it clattering loudly to the ground. It was cathartic for the first second as she felt the tingling relief of her biotics--now stronger, thanks to an upgrade to her implant--until she realized she'd done it inadvertently. A reaction. She hadn't meant to get so... violent about it.

And she'd done it right in front of Kaidan. Inadvertently, just like she'd done on Mindoir. Just like the very first time she'd killed someone. He could've easily been caught in the cross-fire, at the mercy of her biotics; she could've hurt him if she'd instead lashed out at him rather than the table.

Kay never disclosed their closeness if that was an accurate way to put it, only that they were good friends and trusted each other. No doubt one of the reasons Kay got recruited in the first place. He might be dumb but he knew not to give the Illusive Man any advantages or information to abuse. And what happened in this apartment would stay there, Kay wouldn’t risk the man using Kat getting frustrated against her.

It took some effort to stay calm and not to look upset although Kay was, he’d missed her so much he’d hoped she’d be happy to see him. Her reaction wasn’t that foreign but it was alarming but not enough for Kay to get his guard up or anything. No matter what he trusted Kat, he knew she’d never hurt him.

The pain in her was evident, he’d seen it before, so he had to set his own feelings aside because he knew this wasn’t about him. He knew to be cautious though, not wanting to upset her further, so he approached her calmly. Reaching for her hands pressed against her head Kay held them for a moment before gently guiding them down. Letting go he reached to gently caress her shoulders before hugging her gently and quietly. Stroking her back Kay smiled faintly, loving that he had her there even if it was like this.

There’s been a recent loss in my close circle and although the person was not someone extremely close to me it has impacted someone close and whilst trying to process my own feelings I also have to navigate how the fuck to talk to someone who has lost their partner without breaking into a million pieces.

Ashley: *taps fingers back furiously*

Katrina: …What’s going on?

Jeff: Morse code. They’re talking.

Kaidan: -.-- ..- .-. / - .... . / -.-. ..- - . ... -

Ashley: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

“Kaidan, the reason I don’t want to feel like I’m leading you on is… is that I’m just trying to understand what I’m feeling. I’m not—I’m not like you. I can’t put feelings into words the way you do. Hell, I envy how… easily you can just say and do things like… like this. It’s… it’s because of—of everything I went through with the Alliance. I had to… let go of parts of myself, put them away in a little box, because if I didn’t—if I so much as risked breaking the regs, even if it was just a rumour? I already had it hard.” At least that she didn’t have to explain to him. He knew it. He’d seen it. She’d been worth so much more than she was ever given by the Alliance until they met.

“I just… damn it, I’m horrible at this,” she griped, shaking her head. “I don’t want you to hurt like I did. Because I was hurting—a lot. And I’m trying to… understand why I was so hurt by you. I’m trying to understand why I felt that way, and it’s… it’s a lot to process, for me.” She was starting to, slowly, but she did need more; she needed a little push in one direction, so she could figure out if it was the right one or not.

“Kaidan, I’m not afraid of you. Hell—I’ve never been afraid of you. Maybe a little intimidated by how smart you are, but hey, that’s just par for the course when you’re a grunt.” Kaidan was incredibly smart and talented; it baffled her sometimes just how intelligent he was, because it came off unexpected for his gentle personality. “And let’s be honest, here. I think I’m the scary one, between the two of us.” She was red-blooded, hot-headed, headstrong, and confident; he was confident, but reserved and quiet, and notably shy in comparison to her.

“What I’m saying is, if you… happen to be crossing a boundary that I don’t want crossed,” since technically they were breaching regs regardless, “I’m not afraid to tell you no, or set you straight, or… knock you on your ass if need be. And I know this is you being respectful, and not wanting to push boundaries, but… to be honest, sometimes I’m the kind of person that… needs them to be pushed a little. Just so I can… figure out how I feel about it.” There was no harm in trying, especially in situations she was floundering a little. And with Kaidan, she felt safe about it; she knew he’d stop the moment she needed him to.

It did make sense. She had to be what Alliance wanted her to be instead being her authentic self and it wasn’t always easy for women even though how far humanity had come.

When she mentioned she didn’t want to hurt him like he’d hurt her, his heart dropped. Then again he believed she could never do that to him, she was better than that. And why they were both hurt by his actions was obvious, at least to him. He did smirk when she said she’d never been afraid of him and that he was smart. It meant a lot coming from her and he knew damn well if he crossed a boundary she’d be more than capable of handing his ass to him.

Listening her he was leaning closer to her without noticing, comfortable there even if she was still fumbling with her thoughts. He hated it a little maybe, being so comfortable and drawn to her when there was still uncertainties. With her blushing after her request Kaidan smirked, trying to contain himself. He could tease her but instead he leaned close and kissed her softly, hands resting on her waist again gently.

@smashedagainstashuttle asked:

[ DANCE ]: when alone together (e.g. the bedroom, the kitchen, literally anywhere once they’re alone) the sender takes the receiver’s hand, and pulls them into a graceful yet intimate dance as a spontaneous act.

Ashley had been losing her head for the last little while. They were on mission after mission, planet after planet, and as the one responsible for tactical planning, she was just about running herself into the ground. She was constantly tired—exhausted, really—and it was slowly taking it’s toll.

Her only solace was the quiet she got when she and Kaidan were alone in the observation deck. If she didn’t want to talk, she didn’t have to; he’d never force her, and he at times was the quiet type, too. The quiet was even welcomed sometimes, with his migraines; he kept the lights dim, which was welcoming compared to the brighter areas of the ship. It was just… calming. Relaxing.

Today, at least, there was a little music; Ashley welcomed it, just to take her mind off things. She’d finished all of her reports, taking to staring out at the window, seeing the rippling mass effect field that covered the ship. She’d zoned out, thinking over some of the plans she’d been studying as she felt her hand being tugged, pulling her right out of her thoughts.

“What are you doing?” She asked with a soft laugh, half-frowning as she felt him holding on to one of her hands, the other snaking over to her waist. At least she was smiling; hell, it'd pretty damn quickly pulled her out of whatever thoughts she'd been stuck in.

He’d resorted reading a book and listening music, he’d been lucky enough to avoid a nasty migraine but he’d kept the lighting low just in case. Their mission had been straining so they needed time to recharge, time to unload. Looking up from his book he knew Ash was lost in thoughts, maybe there was a subtle frown that had Kaidan stand up quietly and walk to her, reach for her hand and pull he close gently.

She caught the insignia, and in a moment, she went from guilty to upset. After all Cerberus had done, Kaidan was working for them? Sure, Kat herself was working alongside Cerberus, but she was no fool. She knew what they were; she was using them, and their resources, to do the right thing. The enemy of my enemy is my friend... but is still my enemy. Fucker with sparkly eyes, though... Was he talking about The Illusive Man? Or someone else?

"What the hell kind of joke is this?" She asked, her tone blunt and straightforward. "You're working for Cerberus?" Were it anyone else, she would've practically snarled the words... but Kaidan was close enough to her to not earn that much of her ire. Yet, anyway. Her fists were clenched, and she was angry... oh, she was more than angry. Perhaps the memories were... fresher for her than they were for Kaidan, but they were still there.

"Have you forgotten what Cerberus has done in the past, Kaidan? Have you forgotten Edolus--have you forgotten Admiral Kahoku and his men?" That investigation had been sickening for Kat. She struggled enough with the thought of a Thresher Maw, but to see Cerberus do such a thing to Kahoku's men? Kat couldn't stand for that. She'd been a mess for days afterward, though she'd done her damnedest to hide it. Hell, she'd practically shot the Cerberus operatives out of spite for what they'd done to Kahoku's men.

Explaining the entire situation there and then was complicated and quite frankly personal. As happy as Kay was seeing Kat he didn’t feel like going into personal details there and then, maybe he was afraid no matter what he said things might not be the same they used to be. “I work alone and I get the job done, either the Cerberus way or my way. Alliance wouldn’t have let me, hell they wouldn’t even probably believe you’re alive but when I found out Cerberus was bringing you back I had to make sure they did.” And he hoped they hadn’t changed a single hair on her, he didn’t want a copy. He wanted the woman he’d cared for dearly.

“Look I know the sparkly eyed fucker wants me on board with you but the Kat I know wouldn’t just take orders from him. I’m not here to spy, keep track or hold you on a leash for him, you know my loyalty was always to you and it still is. If you accept it though. I’d understand if you didn’t and didn’t take me with you.” His last sentence was said with a slightly sad tone because he wanted to be with her more than anything but if he was realistic he knew there’d be a lot of rebuilding between them.

Kaidan: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Katrina: But you’re always acting stupid?

Kaidan: ...

Kaidan: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.