healing

Annabell New Orleans, LA - 2020-4-8

Annabell: I grew up in St. Louis and had a relatively normal childhood in an upper-middle-class family.

When I was fifteen I began being sex trafficked. At first, I volunteered to do it because I needed money for my boyfriend. He was trying to sell drugs and not doing a very good job of it.  I was hypersexual at the time. That’s why I thought I’d be fine with [sex work]. I was like, whatever, I was labeled a slut in school already, you know?    

I would sneak out in the middle of the night. I thought I was so bad, getting away with stuff but then it turned into more of a situation where I had to do it.

My pimp’s name was… you’re gonna laugh because it’s so stereotypical… Papi.  

Eventually, I worked myself into a corner that I couldn’t get out of. I couldn’t tell anyone. My parents didn’t know at that point so instead of letting myself out as a harlot and disappointment, I ran away from home.

I was sixteen at that point. I moved in with Papi and was being trafficked all the time.  It was really traumatic.  A lot of it I don’t remember because I was addicted to heroin at the time. It clouds my memories but I think that kind of saved my sanity.  

Papi got murdered. He had been violent towards one of the women that I turned tricks with and he ended up killing her. She had a baby daddy and I think he stabbed Papi. While everyone was preoccupied, I ran away.

I ran through North St. Louis. I don’t remember exactly where but it was a warehouse district, not a great place. I just kept on running. I was in booty shorts and a small cami type thing, sprinting through St. Louis with no shoes.  

BW: Sounds like you went through a lot of trauma in your teen years. Do you feel like you’ve gotten past any of it?  

Annabell: Does anyone ever get past stuff like that? I’m really into psychology. If I can put a name on it I can understand it better.  

BW: PTSD?  

Annabell: Actually, I think it’s CPTSD. PTSD happens because of an event in which you feel helpless. CPTSD is developed when you are in situations that have no foreseeable end. Your brain has to adjust to a constant fight or flight mode. POWs are an example of people who can develop CPTSD or children who are in long term abusive situations.

I had a boyfriend a few years ago. We were having a better than usual day. We were so happy and in love. We had dinner at a restaurant. We came back home and were being all cute and funny and making jokes and rolling around, being goofballs and he tries to touch my boob or something,  I went off on him, “Why are you ruining this? We were having a really good fucking day and you just had to blow it all by objectifying me! Turning me into a little fuck thing! Why are you doing this?”  

Objectively that was crazy. We had been dating for a while at that point and it’s not like he was trying to force anything on me.

Only recently in my life have I felt comfortable with anything sexually.    

BW: Did your sex drive lower right after you got out of the sex work?      

My boyfriend that I had right after that was very possessive. He hit me one time because he followed me to work and he saw that I hugged one of my coworkers. He saw the coworker grab my butt. I didn’t want him to but he did. So I felt like I was cheating if I touched people. It was ground into me that if I interacted physically with other people, there’s only one reason for that.    

I was also raped at around six. I don’t remember it at all.    

BW: Somebody told you about it?    

Annabell: I found an old journal when I was eleven or twelve. Actually, I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar because of that. My mom had told me to clean my closet. Instead of cleaning, I was doddling, going through shit and I read my old journals.    

BW: And you wrote about what happened in the journal?    

Annabell: As much as a six-year-old could. I had a lot of misspellings. Really simple sentence structure. I talked about hurting a lot and being scared and how I couldn’t tell mom. Things like that.    

BW: Do you still journal?    

Systems of domination are responsive and will take whatever form helps them to retain power, including incorporating the language and frameworks of their opposition. This is similar to the way that so many police forces are rebranding their searches of people's homes and businesses as "wellness checks," when actually, what they are doing is racial profiling and surveillance. These are what threaten people's wellness and safety.

The caterpillars of this species (Cerura vinula) have a bizarre, almost cartoonish appearance, and they've developed several defense mechanisms to ward off predators, including cryptic and aposomatic markings, defensive poses, false eyespots, whip-like appendages, and a special gland that allows them to spray formic acid.

Above: red filaments emerge from the end of each "tail" as a defense mechanism

When a puss moth caterpillar feels threatened, it will often raise both ends of its body and retract its head into the first thoracic segment, causing the thorax to expand until a pair of false eyespots and bright pink markings are exposed, which makes the caterpillar seem more imposing (at least in the eyes of a potential predator).

The caterpillar's twin "tails" are also defensive organs known as stemapods; each of these organs contains a bright red filament that can extend from the tip of the "tail" and then wave around wildly, repeatedly coiling and uncoiling, in an effort to discourage any would-be attackers.

Above: sneaky little caterpillar

If all else fails, these strange-looking insects can even spray formic acid from a special gland located just below the head. The acid is ejected through a slit-like opening beneath the caterpillar's mouth, and it can spray across a distance of up to 20 centimeters (8 inches).

Above: the slit-like opening is visible in the pink area just below the caterpillar's mouth

The adult moth has a fluffy, almost "cat-like" appearance, which is why it's known as a "puss moth" (not to be confused with the southern flannel moth, Megalopyge opercularis, which is sometimes also described as a "puss moth").

Above: the adult form of Cerura vinula

Sources & More Info:

The Wildlife Trusts: Puss Moth

Learn Butterflies: The Puss Moth (Cerura vinula)

Butterfly Conservation: Puss Moths

The Colours of Animals, their Meaning and Use: The Larva of the Puss Moth can Defend Itself by Ejecting an Irritant Fluid

Butterflies and Moths Around the World: Puss Moth

Looking for some of the best science fiction and fantasy coming out of Africa right now? Here's a list of recommendations from Wole Talabi, Lauren Beukes and T.L. Huchu, from their 2024 Glasgow Worldcon panel "Through an African Lens".

The list

Rosewater - Tade Thompson

Lagoon - Nnedi Okorafor

Mermaid Fillet - Mia Arderne

Dazzling - Chikodili Emelumadu

The First Murder On Mars - Sam Wilson

The Theory of Flight - Siphiwe Gloria Ndlovu

Triangulum - Masande Ntshanga

The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years - Shubnum Khan

Ghostroots - 'Pemi Aguda

Womb City - Tlotlo Tsamaase

The Year's Best African Speculative Fiction - Oghenechovwe Donald Ekpeki and Chinaza Eziaghighala (ed)

Zoo City - Lauren Beukes

The Library of the Dead - T. L. Huchu

Drinking from Graveyard Wells - Yvette Lisa Ndlovu

Digging Stars - Novuyo Rosa Tshuma

Glory - Noviolet Bulawayo

Shigidi and the Brass Head of Obalufon - Wole Talabi

Intruders - Mohale Mashigo

AfroSF - Ivor Hartmann (ed)

It Doesn't Have To Be This Way - Alistair Mackay

Azotus the Kingdom - Shadreck Chikoti

Dazzling - Chịkọdịlị Emelụmadụ

My most recent article for Tryst, about attitudes around discussing pay among sex workers and who benefits from keeping us quiet about what we charge!