Untitled

I apologize for my silence and absence. I suppose it puts me on a clearer mind and more time to understand better on the things I did wrong. I wish to make this post to address the many elephants and for my many other proper apologies (I'm not exaggerating on this, there are a lot of specific things I must apologize for and take responsibility for).

Two months ago, there was an incident. Callout posts were made, Bans were established, Ties were severed and even evidence of discord chats surfaced. Although recently those screenshots have been proven fake, there have been other misdemeanors I committed that must be addressed publicly.

Before I must do so, allow me to establish several pointers in regards to those fake screenshots:

Anyone could easily fake discord accounts and screenshots. Please know this from now on. Every single account has a unique string code, and even account creation data. Without these explicit verifiable things, the evidence is void. (For those pursuing documentations or seeing them, I hope you take this to account)

I issued a deletion of my original discord account on the 15th (and should be deleted on the 29th). Here is screenshot for both proof of deletion and that indeed this account is run by me:

If that screenshot is fake and interactive, and has not been deleted around that time if it hasn't been, then that pretty much confirms that it wasn't me.

One significant point I must establish was that the original callout posts on twitter were made during the time I was unaware of these fake screenshots. Nobody... told me about them (and of course since I didn't actually do those things, many people thought I was playing stupid), until someone eventually did of course, but it was pretty much too late. I reacted pretty stupidly though, but I will address that soon.

I hope that the recent revelations do not discourage ACTUAL evidence of harm and ab*se coming up. I do not want actual victims in the future to be believed in less.

Please leave everyone involved, including those who believed in the fake evidences, alone. Admittedly, I was quite upset that people believed in those fake screenshots over hearing me and looking into it first, but after everything else I did- I wouldn't blame them. I forgive them.

For some of you, your first thought would be: "Oh yeah Pansear is actually innocent!" but I wish to establish that the whole "thing" around me is not black and white, and I also wish to establish that I do not have the entire picture of what went down and what happened after I left. I will try my best though.

Here are the statements which I have seen and or acknowledged in my aftermath:

"Pansear is irresponsible."

Indeed. I agree. I have no self-control and no self-awareness. People know I vent often in public, and I had many opportunities not to do so. Regardless of whatever excuses, explanations or reasonings I have for those deeds: I still vented in public, in front of many others. Too often I have exposed my vulnerabilities to others, and not only did it hurt others but it also hurt me. I should have left in those many opportunities I had sooner. I should have trusted the people I'm actually close to instead of a larger crowd. I'm sorry. I will control my emotions and actions better.

Looking back on all of that, I could definitely see how it was me fishing for attention. Vents public? Yeah everyone can see them, even on a server with thousands of folks in it. Parasocial behavior- I would strangle my past self if I had the opportunity to, honestly.

"You told X this thing!"

Indeed. It was careless of me to do so. From the whole dms from May thing, to the ban speaking and pleading- god looking at it all I really was an asshole and I really wasn't thinking straight. I express remorse for having said and done those things and I should have known better. I was stupid. I'm sorry, and I'm sorry to those I hurt. At the very least, from there on, I know what and what not to do if I were ever put in those specific situations again. I vow to never be a moderator ever again also.

I want to apologize to the mods as well. It was stupid of me to encourage the ticketing. I was careless and didn't consider how things would go down on your end. I guess I was too stubborn to let go of your games that I genuinely had fun on and I wanted explanations.

"You treated your MAP contributors and cohost badly."

I did so by deleting the map unannounced and ending up having inky clean after my mess and take the brunt of it all from angry folks who don't know shit. I feel like a broken record but at least I can address this now. I'm sorry, to all those who loved the map, to those who have worked their hardest on them, and to Inky especially. I should have left the map as is and disabled comments.

Nobody in this map, aside from myself, deserves mean comments. Everyone worked passionately and I took it from them out of my own selfishness. I took Inky's work for granted. I have no excuse for this. I vow to never host another MAP ever again.

"You abandoned everything. You left your servers to people who didn't ask."

Yep. That was too hasty and stupid of me. I should've just deleted them instead, but I couldn't because there were people who loved using them. I don't know- I just felt very conflicted at the time. But still, that's a fuck up. I'm sorry. As said on my discord server, they can do whatever they want with the servers. It's theirs now. Repurpose it. Delete it themselves. Don't be mad at them. Be mad at me instead.

"Why didn't you disprove those screenshots yourself?"

Think in this sense: You are a person of many problems I enlisted, including observed cowardice. People are abandoning you left and right without hearing what you have to say, immediately upon seeing those screenshots and callouts, anger fueled further by the mentioned problems. In my mind I thought "It's best to leave it as that instead of fighting anymore." I did show some restraint, making statements such as "those are not me" on my own discord, but of course, not a lot of people have seen it since it was a small server. There were others who offered and tried to disprove it themselves with solid evidence; People who did not give up on me and didn't believe in those screenshots, but I have already given up. I want to thank those people, even when it feels a little too late. I don't want to put them in my messes anymore.

I must also remark that the screenshots were revealed to me late on, about on the day I decided/prepared to leave. I and others probably thought of different things, but in its nature- perhaps- it is similar. I won't deny I said that thing to that person on May. When it erupted again on September, I find it very odd when it was brought up again and therefore had to address it again. I suppose that was the explanation I could think of for that time.

"You kept making excuses."

You are correct. I must admit this thing first- unfortunately I was too stupid back then to realize that most of my apologies were shit. I kept being self-defensive (you vs. me) instead of tackling the issue itself (you and me vs. the problem). Now that I fully recognize this, I want to apologize. No more hiding behind things. Regardless of my intentions, reasons, and my feelings, something that is done has been done. I wish it didn't take an embarrassingly long time to realize this, but at least I know now.

Moreover, I really hope this entire post isn't doing that again.

"You're so dramatic and overemotional."

God, yeah. Changing pfps, making poems and cringe comments about what I describe "a huge change". This and the whole venting thing- I should have kept my composure and or kept the unnecessary feeling stuff out of what is actually important. Instead it made me look like I was a youtuber making a shitty apology complete with fake tears and violin bgm. I really hope this entire post is more straight to the point and factual rather than emotional, because I genuinely feel remorse for all the awful things I did and I want to address them.

I must also state that I care about people too much in a BAD WAY. Caring about others is a good thing yes, but I value their views on me too much that it starts to destroy myself and then destroys that person too. This is not an appropriate way to think and it is very unhealthy. I didn't realize at the time that it is the very reason why it is the way it is. And also because of that, it pushes away those who DO care about me. I feel very guilty for this. I'm sorry.

Also, on that twitter response, I sounded aggressive. I apologize for that. I didn't like the person I was replying to, but to others it made me look a lot worse.

"You drew XXX."

Indeed. I won't deny that I have, and I won't do it again.

"You were so lenient."

Yep. Wish I wasn't. Honestly, it's tough to choose whether or not I should believe in myself or others (see what happens when I do so based on these followed problems). Ultimately, I am still the person who makes the bad choices.

Whatever went down on May, I should have acted on my own volition. I should have acted independently and do the right thing on my own accords, even if that means having to severe ties.

No matter what factors play, I take full responsibility for my actions.

"You ghost people a lot."

There's many reasons for why, but, and for friends and gifters especially, there's no excuse. I'm sorry.

I am grateful for all the gifts and good things people did for me. I wish I have shown my gratitude more clearly and directly.

"You're an adult, you should have acted like one."

Yeah. Even the way I think is naiive. I won't deny that. Personally, I don't believe that once you turn 18, you automatically know everything. But thinking back on this again, I still think I was childish. I will do my best to mature from now on.

"Why did you leave?"

Leaving was not for the admittance of guilt for the things I did not do (I think that came off to many people that way initially and I wouldn't blame them), though there is guilt from other places. Here are the actual multiple reasons why I left.

I couldn't handle the harassment. I was weak. I was a coward. I was scared. I wanted to be left alone. The criticisms on the other hand, I took it to heart and anymore I would like to. No harassment in any form is justifiable though- I believe in this. From steam to art fight, I received these comments- that's why I'm wiping them out too (at least, trying to. helpdesk requests are not being helpful with me).

I freaked out. I was panicking. My anxiety kept flaring up. If the whole internet was practically against you, you would think the same.

I was ashamed. I didn't want to look at myself and my own art anymore. I do not want to be associated with past pride tainted by my misgivings.

From the things I mentioned before, I defeated my own stubborn ego and accepted the fact that, at least in my current state, I am in no position to be a social media influencer, public artist, or one who is ready to face all sorts of things bigger internet. I have no self-awareness and I failed to show my ability to think about how others feel. Not only would persisting will cause harm to myself, but it would to others. It certainly has.

I believe revoking my platform and entire presence is a justifiable punishment for all of my misdeeds. Though leaving is selfish in many facets (such as that MAP and losing connections with my friends), it would do less damage than staying. It's better this way. It is good to know since I won't have to hurt anymore people.

It does not matter how people mistreat me or make comments about me or how they react to me. What matters is how I reacted, and on that account I failed on that pretty badly.

"Where can I find you and your art?"

Unless you find an illegal way to track me down, you won't find me anywhere. I won't return to the communities I used to be in. No alts. No lies. No unsolicited communications. Cross my heart. All projects are cancelled. Being in the Rain World fandom alone in itself was very stressful for me even before. I dearly miss my friends, but seeing how I have hurt several, I don't want to hurt them anymore, at least not as this. If you're one of them, please respect my wishes. I hope you've been doing fine.

MAYBE in several years or a decade I will return- where I am different, have tackled all of my problems, and can control my emotions and my actions. Up to you should you ever choose to interact with future me, and it is completely up to me to be the better person I should be. Easier said than done though. Personally, I believe people can change. For me, it's going to take a long time to fully show that.

If you ever meet me again in the future, don't call me Pansear. Spiritually speaking, Pansear is dead. They were me of course, but they were unwise, stupid, irresponsible, overemotional, and pathetic. I carry their dead carcass around me and never idolize it. I still won't deny I wasn't them, but I definitely wasn't proud being as them.

If you still idolize me after all of this, I just hope it's the good aspects about me and that you acknowledge that I'm not the perfect inspiration- or better yet, to let go of this idolization- because I am not at all the ideal person. I think there are way better people out there in the world to take inspiration from. Separate me from my art. Feel however you want as long as it makes you happy. My only wish is that everyone will be ok in the end.

"Why did you make this post?"

It's not made to save face or get empathy or something. Seeing how not everyone has seen my discord post and seeing how my farewell remarks felt very incomplete and unsatisfactory- I still wanted to make this post. There wasn't much resolution at the time either- I guess I just needed time to better understand what I did wrong. I needed better words to address things. In a larger sense, I wanted to acknowledge the truth.

All of my apologies had some flaws to them (and obviously this one probably). As I mentioned before, many weren't exactly as proper as I thought they were back then. I kept avoiding the truth when I didn't know- and from my actions I didn't fully acknowledge the idea of cause and consequence. Now that I do, I just feel very awful. I'm sorry for having been so ignorant.

Honestly, I could've just... ran. Well I did. The whole deleting thing. Still came back anyway as this burner (should I even call it that? according to Google, it's to remain anonymity. I guess technically I am? And burners usually die after their goal is achieved anyway) and I'm STILL scared, but I'm doing this scared and that's okay. I hope this post assures at least someone out there know that there's some progress from me. Or not. It depends on how you look at this.

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Personal thoughts:

God, I was such a mess. I'm not sure if I have addressed everything exactly but I think you get the picture. Lately I've been getting even more help, exercise and just generally learning how to manage myself and my emotions. It is thanks to mental health and communication youtube videos that I understood my wrongs better (don't worry, I research for the genuine ones), as well as my own therapist. I don't wish to go into details about what I've been doing for the past months, but at least I'm alive. I haven't been using the internet much and, regrettably, I wish I laid off sooner, because just walking around in the real world and experiencing life as is is so much better. Literally went outside to touch grass for once.

As for my remarks of the Rain World fandom, I don't find it surprising that it is the way it was. I certainly did bad things, and there are those who did as well, but in no capacity do I ever commend nor support anyone harassing anybody. If there was someone I really hate or feel skeptical of, I just block them. I don't blame the other artists for leaving the fandom at all, and I wish I done the same sooner.

I still believe leaving is good, aside from the aforementioned consequences of having done so. I think it would enable to help me actually grow as a person so I can really do better from now on. I always felt anxious, and being anxious lead me to do a lot of stupid things and think of stupid things. Worse that there's always at least one person every month or few weeks toying with my emotions and fishing reactions from me, deepening my anxiety. Wish I knew not to react so much from those.

A lot of people were hurt from this entire ordeal. From the words of someone else, "there's no winners". Me depending on others for their opinions without considering second thoughts... ah I think there's some parallel with this and the screenshots. It's an ironic thing, huh.

There's people who say some things reported that I did were blown out of proportion. To some varying degrees, perhaps, but I can't deny that I did do things in some capacity. I believe it is important to acknowledge that a hurt person is still hurt, while also believing in the value of truth and its gray areas.

I can say sorry all I want, disappear all I want, and change for the better all I want, but the fact remains clear: I definitely acknowledge that I have hurt a lot of people, and I cannot change this past. I'm sorry for having to disappoint everyone, and I am taking responsibility for all of it. I'm certainly not proud of the stuff I did.

However so, I'm grateful to have learned, whether it is bad or good feedback. I'm grateful to have met so many who taught me, in the various circumstances. And with using this knowledge, I will bring good than harm to all those who I care about. Thank you for teaching me, and I'm sorry that you had to meet this most horrible version of myself. I'm sorry that it took this long and it took hurting people to come to all of this.

I hope someday those I've hurt will come to peace.

"So now what?"

I suppose from here on out, I'll keep being on meds and therapy. I'll look for hobbies, pursue college and just continue on with life. I fought so hard and so long to put myself in an unhappy environment in the pursuit of ego, which has lead me to hurt others and myself- and it's about time I let it go- again not easy. The future is pretty scary, but I'll manage.

I don't mean to address this specifically to anyone: I hope the world gives me another chance at it and start over. Becoming better- I want to be and I am willing to be. Life's too short.