Slow Down. Simply Be. MD

Hi All,

It feels like it might be a good time to come back or is there a different platform that is more active these days?

Life update: Finishing 3rd year of  5 years of residency and I feel I might have time for this. I have a passion for sharing my story and teaching other residents how to advocate for themselves when shit hits the fan in residency. 

Yes shit hit the fan for me, but I am coming back from it better than ever!

Anyways, maybe I will be back? Feedback anyone?

It’s been awhile!! Almost 2 years!!

This month I officially became an MD.

Years later... Slow down. Simply be. MD. IS FOR REAL!!

MD.

#1 choice for residency. I am so fortunate and feel I am living my best life, as I just moved to residency city.

Anything is possible.

I found myself crying because my graduation ceremony was a joke... and then I thought back to all the other tears I had on this journey. This is nothing compared to the journey. The terrible, difficult, painful, heartbreaking journey makes the success that much sweeter now.

I am truly blessed and I wish that you all can find some peace with where you are at.

I hope to be back again because this community makes me so happy <3

Stay safe and healthy. 

Xoxo

and my psych rotation and now absolutely in love with my pediatric rotation...

Hard work for the win!

literally studied non-stop for step from march 24th until july 26th.. it was miserable but worth every minute now that I’ve passed.

hate my school, first week of step prep course spent all time after class preparing for the discipline committee. Had to explain to them why I got a 55% on a practice step and not a 58%, begged for them to let me keep studying. they told me I should take a course and keep studying (yes already been taking a prep course because I know I struggle). Their decision, come back to school and take a CBSE, before we let you sit for step. NO SHIT.

100% plan on not sitting for step until I am into a passing range on practice NBME’s. not sure why my school doesn’t believe me when I say this and are making me drive 5 hours back to take a fucking CBSE on campus as opposed to at a testing center where I am taking my course and exam.

All I have to say is I wish this didn’t take an emotional toll on me, did 4 weeks of an online course, and now 4 weeks in person because I know i suck at med school and i know I suck at test taking. and for god’s sake I KNOW IM AT RISK FOR FAILING STEP. SO LET ME STUDY WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYDAY.

so today I struggle with: why do i suck at med school, why do i study just as much as everybody else (maybe more) and still do poorly. also its depressing being alone, studying for an exam in chicago suburbs, by myself, and being tortured by myself, school, or just sheer exhaustion daily

getting down on myself, nobody believes I can do it. I just put on a tough face for the last 2 weeks telling everyone i believed in me, but its worn me out. its taken all the energy out of me. today I don’t believe in me. 

so came back here to vent and now I must go back to try to finish reviewing the last 2 weeks of material so i feel ready to take a practice NBME tomorrow after class. and hopefully seeing improvements.

And I can almost take a deep breath, but a tiny part of me just can’t let go and imagine a world where I am not drowning in med school.

But really... at the moment I am above water.

So the past week has been absolutely miserable. I have to remediate one of my courses in December and my professor has been making it a battle every step of the way.

My school has helped me on 0/5 matters:

1)taking a cumulative final for an 8 week course 6 days after the semester ends

2)not letting me reschedule practice board exam scheduled 6 days before retake to study for this ridiculously quick remediation

3)not letting me miss half a day of wellness and finance lectures the week before remediation exam to study

4) no in person tutors available so I will be having an anatomy Skype tutor

5) learning specialist saying it’s not enough time to study and recommending I skip practice board/CBSE

OH let’s not forget this was all in the week before my midterm for the next course.

I’ve gone from livid, to scared, to sad, to helpless, tired, and now to just doing the best I can.

This morning I got the last email of the matter confirming that I would not be able to reschedule the CBSE.

Fortunately most of my anger and tears were shed Monday after my midterm and during a panic attack, then Tuesday was a blur of classes and not being able to focus. This morning I put on a tough face and saw my standardized patient with ease, until the recap session where everything became a blur again.

When I got home, it was just another episode of tears.

I have come to terms with the fact that I need to get through this and play by everyone’s rules, it’s not going to go my way, but in coming to this I have mentally and physically drained myself.

So I just ended up telling student affairs (luckily- K my only advocate at the school), that I couldn’t focus and felt I would be better off relaxing and taking a mental health day, than sitting in class, zoning out, wanting to cry. Fortunately she excused me from classes.

I haven’t touched a text book all day, drank tea in bed, got some extra sleep, and hopefully this mental health day will be enough to get me back up and at it for the rest of the semester.

That’s all for now..

reputation, and @taylorswift will get me through year 2 of med school ❤️

“Nobody's heard from me in months

I'm doing better than I ever was”