– body full of liquor.

I swear. All that’s here is a beach and honestly, you can find those anywhere that there is a body of water?? No one has to go all the way to the coasts for beaches. Besides, I would say that water parks would be safer anyways. 

I know!! It’s really not that exciting here at all. I’ve never understood the appeal of holidaying here – probably because I’ve hated it my whole life. But yeah, water parks are probably a lot more fun too.

Yeah, it does, but it helps with the shop, you know? I hope we do too, I really hate this time of year, but it is our busiest you know?

Speaking of the shop, how’s it going?

One would certainly think so, but I’m well-acquainted with two of the local staff and they’re around my age or younger. Now I may act like the Crypt Keeper at times, but I promise I’m only 30. Oh, I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’d be “exciting enough,” but perhaps they’d have a calming effect? Admiration of the small creatures and the ocean waves could distract them from rudeness.

Shit, dude, you’re younger than me AND you’re hanging out with the local librarians? You need to get out more, have a drink or something. But please – let me know if turtles actually calm down shitty tourists and maybe I’ll get around it.

Wait, what are sea lice? Is that even a thing?

We live in a beach town! How the fuck have you not heard of sea lice, Freddie? They’re like weird ocean bug things that give people rashes. 

Escaping Tybee during the summer was always the best part of the year as a kid. 

Just your luck. You must have had parents who really loved you.

But don’t blondes have more fun? 

Depends. Think you can have fun despite any hair colour but whatever floats your boat. I think that the brown suits you though.

Exactly. You get it. Beating the shit out of people is better than doing drugs, right? I’m winning.

Definitely. So where and when can I sign up for this thing?

CASS: omg

CASS: have you heard the piano version of that song that goes I'M BLUE DABADEE DABADIE??

CASS: it's so beautiful!!! I wish I was blue.

CASS: If you had to be another color, which color would you be?

Sloane: this was the most random text i've received in a fucking long time

Sloane: but to answer your question..

While I agree tourists are the worst, they do help our economy.. We are a small town. They help with businesses, but I do agree they should be nicer.

I appreciate that but I don’t know, heading into this time of year just always feels like a pain in the ass to me – regardless of the town’s economy. Fingers crossed we get a nice bunch of tourists this year.

I’ve just learned from one of the local librarians that we can expect an abundance of sea turtles to arrive and nest on the beach. If that’s true, I’d say there’s plenty to see besides a dilapidated lighthouse. My apologies, however, that your encounters with tourists haven’t been the most pleasant.

Firstly, how you learnt anything off those librarians is beyond me. Aren’t they all as old as the Crypt Keeper by now? And secondly, you seem pretty keen on these sea turtles, which is fine by me, but I’m really not sure how they’re exciting enough for rude tourists to stay as long as they do.

The airbnbs are blowing up, man. 100 dollars a night for some ugly piece fo crap around here. I’ll never understand the attraction. Go to Disney or some shit. 

Fucking tell me about it. I’m sure Disneyland is way more exciting than tiny old Tybee. Not to mention that I’d rather tourists spend their money on overpriced merchandise there than shit here – especially when everything is a shit load more expensive for locals in tourist season.

I was going to argue that you go swimming if you go to the beach, but you make a very solid point.

Okay, fair point but swimming in the ocean is gross – therefore people who swim in the ocean are gross. Too many fish and little sea lice shit.

I don’t really think that’s what people go to beaches to do.

Sure, they do. Sit and tanning is what most boring people do on the beach.