at the bottom of everything

I got cheated on. This isn’t the first time it’s happened to me but it was the first time it’s ever been this significant. I do consider this relationship my first true adult relationship where love and attraction was equal on both sides. Back in November I suffered a near death experience and health crisis that shook the core of my existence. Also during this time, my partner had been fired from a job he truly loved and worked hard for. He began to drink heavily. I was spiraling and so was he. I was not able to be as supportive or there as I should have been because of my health. He was not there for me because of his shame and addiction. We fought a lot. Cut to Christmas, when he drank heavily the whole day and at dinner. That night we got into an argument over it and money, and he sped off. To a bar. To another girl. I understand the nuances of people and relationships and I understand how low he was. I understand how low I was. This doesn’t make what he did okay. It was wrong, and our relationship romantically is forever done because of it. However, this is also the first time where I do not hate the man that’s cheated on me. He is not a villain. He is genuinely just a dude. He was my dude for a long time and now he isn’t. It isn’t my fault. I could have been better, but so could he. Things happen and people hurt people. I cannot imagine living with the guilt of knowing one mistake I made at my lowest mentally ruined a good relationship and hurt someone I cared for. I do not understand it but I empathize with it. Hate for me cannot exist where love once was. He did not hurt me on purpose. He doesn’t hate me, he never loved her, it just is what it was. I choose to forgive not because I’m weak or desperate but because love is always worth the effort. I did what I wanted to do, and so did he. Life is life is life is life. Relationships start and end. No one is a villain.

Automatic thought: If I leave my house I will have a panic attack.

Challenge to the thought: I have left my house many times without having a panic attack