adult - he/they - one of many - not straight - not cis - not white - not human
Call me Phosphor!
I’m just here (very reluctantly, given tumblr’s Everything) for my friends and my fandoms, and I read much more than I post. I expect that I’ll mostly post Fallen London stuff (namely my OCs and my fanmade sigils) but who knows. I may occasionally post things on my headmate Lark’s behalf, including stuff about his own FL OC. (You can find him on his own blog as well, at @lutekeeper.)
Anyone who’s not a TERF/Nazi/etc is welcome to follow. I believe in good faith and in caring about people despite their messiness; I have no fondness for exclusionism, puritanism, or the slapfighting that passes for “discourse” on social media. Do with this information what you will.
Tags/posts of interest:
My Correspondence sigil art
My "what even is Fallen London" guidepost
References for canon Correspondence sigils
(more info below the cut)
Other links:
My system’s website
My account on the fediverse, where most of my personal posting happens - instance is set to allowlist only because I got tired of Nazi whack-a-mole, but if you want to follow me and your instance isn’t allowlisted, let me know and I’ll add it. (If you don’t have a fedi account but want one, here’s a few instances.)
My blog, where I keep many of my longposts, including some that I don't put here or on fedi.
FAQ
Why am I blocked?
See this post.
Are you still drawing Correspondence sigils/taking requests?
Yes! I go long periods where I don't draw any because I'm prone to getting deleted by seasonal depression and other health woes, but it's always okay to send in requests as long as you understand that it may be a while until I get to it.
Can I get a tattoo of one of your sigils/use it in my Fallen London fanart/brand it onto my Fallen London OC’s back/(some other personal noncommercial use that doesn’t involve blockchain or AI)?
Yes, go ahead! No credit needed.
Can I make NF*Ts of your sigils/use your sigils to train my AI/(some other techbro junk)?
No. Fuck off.
Can I use your sigils in a non-techbro commercial project?
Ask me first! If it’s something like slapping my art onto T-shirts, almost certainly no. If it’s something like “I’m drawing my Correspondent OC for a Neathy charity zine and want to use one of your designs,” then it’ll probably be fine - but again, ask me first!
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I think being in the fallen london fandom has skewed my perception a bit because I had to sit and have a Does Not Compute moment upon reading a bunch of people going "I wanted pure fluff, not more suffering for the characters"
anyway I understand why people are feeling bait and switched but I'm personally really glad they took this direction, as someone who ended up disengaging with the newer Hex chats because they felt too... idk, fluffy is the only word I can think of for it. there's nothing wrong with fluff but as someone who played In Stars and Time (which does NOT pull any punches about how much being trapped in a timeloop actually sucks) it just always bothered me that the Hex seemingly accepted their eternal entrapment in a hellish fascist-warzone-slash-zombie-apocalypse timeloop so easily. like not even having friends with you in the loop can fix that situation, especially when one of those friends is a nigh-immortal nigh-demigod capable of manipulating said timeloop and your memories. like it's because the characters are so believably and engagingly written that this was a downright immersion-breaking thing for me.
so I'm really fucking glad they're addressing this particular Sword of Damocles. even if they're addressing it because it fell on someone. sorry, Amir. I do have a lot of faith in you and your friends, though - I believe you can make it through this.
anyway I'm overall pleased with how that resolved. it was kind of abrupt but as someone who's experienced similar, I can attest to things being easier to resolve when you already have a solid rapport with people. my main nitpicks:
they should let us play legally distinct MtG with him! :c like I'm reading Amir being in on/initiating the joke ("yeah this game is super easy to pick up you guys, you just gotta collect 8182483954 cards first!") but we DID say that we'd be willing to play other games with him and we should be able to make good on that promise!
likewise I did extremely enjoy the Oops! All Eximus mission (love devs who are memelords) but I do hope we get to check back in with Amir and make sure he's okay and do things with him beyond this, especially considering that combat isn't typically his idea of a good time. that being said the whole vibe of this quest felt like it was teasing future adventures and shenanigans with the 1999 crew so I'm not terribly concerned
I'm still going to gently take aside the Round Table and explain to them the art of gently breaking bad news to people who are already messed up about being in a bad situation. I'm going to put together a PowerPoint for it
I'm also seeing people wishing there was more resolution towards Amir lashing out at the Drifter specifically via using their history in the vent-campaign, which I think is a fair desire. that being said, maybe this is due to how I characterize Peregrine (my Drifter), but I genuinely don't think she was as rattled by Amir's "inspiration-taking" as others might be, and therefore I was not nearly so bothered by the lack of resolution on that front.
a lot of the stuff he referenced in the campaign (Alad V, Vor and the Janus Key, etc) is on the level of "stories you tell at a bar" to her, because she personally did not experience Alad V being a little shit about Natah, nor did she experience the desperate rush to remove an Ascaris right after waking up, etc. to her, these are just chuds she beats up as part of her Tuesday. she's also several degrees removed from the Lotus et al - they're not her moms, they're the Operator's moms that she helped out of a bad situation as part of another Tuesday. Loid is Albrecht's damp gay lover that she helps on other Tuesdays, not someone who helped her recover some incredibly traumatic memories. and so on, and so forth. the 1999 crew is significantly closer to her than the Lotus, Loid, etc, even if she's still fiercely loyal to the people back in the present age.
which is to say: none of that stuff is her trauma. (and this isn't denial on her part - it just isn't.) she would have absolutely considered it weaponization if it was levied against the Operator, but for her? she's worried and frustrated with Amir, but not for naming his baddies after her Tuesday Folks.
the stuff that would have actually been a below-the-belt for her, an absolutely-not, I'm-walking-away-now, sorry-isn't-good-enough, is Duviri (and, again, for Peregrine specifically, Teshin who is her parental figure). those are the things that she's touchy about, the stuff she doesn't tell stories about at a bar. but as far as I could tell, Duviri itself was never referenced in the campaign, so she has no reason to get after him for that.
(she will probably talk to him at some point about the whole snark about her resetting, though. that was kind of below the belt but in a way she understands because Thrax basically did that to her for centuries, and while she'd like for her friend to trust she isn't a tyrant, she more than understands being uneasy with someone having that power. it's complicated!)
I think being in the fallen london fandom has skewed my perception a bit because I had to sit and have a Does Not Compute moment upon reading a bunch of people going "I wanted pure fluff, not more suffering for the characters"
anyway I understand why people are feeling bait and switched but I'm personally really glad they took this direction, as someone who ended up disengaging with the newer Hex chats because they felt too... idk, fluffy is the only word I can think of for it. there's nothing wrong with fluff but as someone who played In Stars and Time (which does NOT pull any punches about how much being trapped in a timeloop actually sucks) it just always bothered me that the Hex seemingly accepted their eternal entrapment in a hellish fascist-warzone-slash-zombie-apocalypse timeloop so easily. like not even having friends with you in the loop can fix that situation, especially when one of those friends is a nigh-immortal nigh-demigod capable of manipulating said timeloop and your memories. like it's because the characters are so believably and engagingly written that this was a downright immersion-breaking thing for me.
so I'm really fucking glad they're addressing this particular Sword of Damocles. even if they're addressing it because it fell on someone. sorry, Amir. I do have a lot of faith in you and your friends, though - I believe you can make it through this.
anyway I'm overall pleased with how that resolved. it was kind of abrupt but as someone who's experienced similar, I can attest to things being easier to resolve when you already have a solid rapport with people. my main nitpicks:
they should let us play legally distinct MtG with him! :c like I'm reading Amir being in on/initiating the joke ("yeah this game is super easy to pick up you guys, you just gotta collect 8182483954 cards first!") but we DID say that we'd be willing to play other games with him and we should be able to make good on that promise!
likewise I did extremely enjoy the Oops! All Eximus mission (love devs who are memelords) but I do hope we get to check back in with Amir and make sure he's okay and do things with him beyond this, especially considering that combat isn't typically his idea of a good time. that being said the whole vibe of this quest felt like it was teasing future adventures and shenanigans with the 1999 crew so I'm not terribly concerned
I'm still going to gently take aside the Round Table and explain to them the art of gently breaking bad news to people who are already messed up about being in a bad situation. I'm going to put together a PowerPoint for it
I'm also seeing people wishing there was more resolution towards Amir lashing out at the Drifter specifically via using their history in the vent-campaign, which I think is a fair desire. that being said, maybe this is due to how I characterize Peregrine (my Drifter), but I genuinely don't think she was as rattled by Amir's "inspiration-taking" as others might be, and therefore I was not nearly so bothered by the lack of resolution on that front.
a lot of the stuff he referenced in the campaign (Alad V, Vor and the Janus Key, etc) is on the level of "stories you tell at a bar" to her, because she personally did not experience Alad V being a little shit about Natah, nor did she experience the desperate rush to remove an Ascaris right after waking up, etc. to her, these are just chuds she beats up as part of her Tuesday. she's also several degrees removed from the Lotus et al - they're not her moms, they're the Operator's moms that she helped out of a bad situation as part of another Tuesday. Loid is Albrecht's damp gay lover that she helps on other Tuesdays, not someone who helped her recover some incredibly traumatic memories. and so on, and so forth. the 1999 crew is significantly closer to her than the Lotus, Loid, etc, even if she's still fiercely loyal to the people back in the present age.
which is to say: none of that stuff is her trauma. (and this isn't denial on her part - it just isn't.) she would have absolutely considered it weaponization if it was levied against the Operator, but for her? she's worried and frustrated with Amir, but not for naming his baddies after her Tuesday Folks.
the stuff that would have actually been a below-the-belt for her, an absolutely-not, I'm-walking-away-now, sorry-isn't-good-enough, is Duviri (and, again, for Peregrine specifically, Teshin who is her parental figure). those are the things that she's touchy about, the stuff she doesn't tell stories about at a bar. but as far as I could tell, Duviri itself was never referenced in the campaign, so she has no reason to get after him for that.
(she will probably talk to him at some point about the whole snark about her resetting, though. that was kind of below the belt but in a way she understands because Thrax basically did that to her for centuries, and while she'd like for her friend to trust she isn't a tyrant, she more than understands being uneasy with someone having that power. it's complicated!)
I think being in the fallen london fandom has skewed my perception a bit because I had to sit and have a Does Not Compute moment upon reading a bunch of people going "I wanted pure fluff, not more suffering for the characters"
anyway I understand why people are feeling bait and switched but I'm personally really glad they took this direction, as someone who ended up disengaging with the newer Hex chats because they felt too... idk, fluffy is the only word I can think of for it. there's nothing wrong with fluff but as someone who played In Stars and Time (which does NOT pull any punches about how much being trapped in a timeloop actually sucks) it just always bothered me that the Hex seemingly accepted their eternal entrapment in a hellish fascist-warzone-slash-zombie-apocalypse timeloop so easily. like not even having friends with you in the loop can fix that situation, especially when one of those friends is a nigh-immortal nigh-demigod capable of manipulating said timeloop and your memories. like it's because the characters are so believably and engagingly written that this was a downright immersion-breaking thing for me.
so I'm really fucking glad they're addressing this particular Sword of Damocles. even if they're addressing it because it fell on someone. sorry, Amir. I do have a lot of faith in you and your friends, though - I believe you can make it through this.
anyway I'm overall pleased with how that resolved. it was kind of abrupt but as someone who's experienced similar, I can attest to things being easier to resolve when you already have a solid rapport with people. my main nitpicks:
they should let us play legally distinct MtG with him! :c like I'm reading Amir being in on/initiating the joke ("yeah this game is super easy to pick up you guys, you just gotta collect 8182483954 cards first!") but we DID say that we'd be willing to play other games with him and we should be able to make good on that promise!
likewise I did extremely enjoy the Oops! All Eximus mission (love devs who are memelords) but I do hope we get to check back in with Amir and make sure he's okay and do things with him beyond this, especially considering that combat isn't typically his idea of a good time. that being said the whole vibe of this quest felt like it was teasing future adventures and shenanigans with the 1999 crew so I'm not terribly concerned
I'm still going to gently take aside the Round Table and explain to them the art of gently breaking bad news to people who are already messed up about being in a bad situation. I'm going to put together a PowerPoint for it
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I've been pluralizing "eximus" as "exima" but it turned out I fucked up latin pluralization. the correct form is probably "eximi"
like I could just say "eximuses" or "eximus units" like a normal person. but one is a mouthful and the other caused my brain to take an immediate left swerve
incredibly funny to have made this post mere hours before the literal Oops! All Eximus mission dropped in which characters struggle with finding the proper pluralization for these dudes
Hypervigilance is a heightened awareness of your surroundings. It's a common symptom of PTSD, as well as a few other conditions.
If you experience hypervigilance, then you might feel like you're always on edge, easily startled, oversensitive to danger, or unable to relax and feel safe. You might notice that your body reaches for a fight-or-flight response much more quickly than other people or takes longer to calm down. Some people describe hypervigilance as being stuck in a fight-or-flight response even when their surroundings are safe and familiar.
Examples
One of the more commonly given examples of hypervigilance is discomfort with sitting with your back to a room, turning off the lights, or otherwise being physically vulnerable even when you rationally know that there's no danger. Hypervigilance isn't just about the physical environment, though- it can also affect your social environment and internal experiences.
You might find that you constantly monitor the thoughts and feelings of everyone around you, or that you can't emotionally tolerate conflict and disagreement. People might see you as unpredictable or sensitive because you react very strongly to small things. Criticism might feel like an attack even if you asked for the critique.
Small, passing comments might feel like they imply something that the person never actually said (E.G. someone says, "nice sweater," and you get stuck wondering if they mean that they hated the shirt you wore yesterday). You might feel that other people have to be kept happy at all times or else something terrible might happen. People pleasing, reassurance seeking, or controlling behavior might feel like your only options to stay safe socially.
On the other hand, you might feel unable to trust others, or you might push people away because the presence of someone else feels unsafe. You might constantly watch for signs that someone is going to hurt or leave you, then act on those signs even if the person hasn't actually done anything to you. It's also possible that you might decide not to care about anything or anyone so that nothing can hurt you.
Some people feel stuck constantly thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong and how they'd respond to it, and they might interpret small misfortunes as signs that everything is about to fall apart. Small body signals that most people ignore could be interpreted as signs of danger or illness. A person might try very hard to avoid all thoughts and feelings that cause discomfort even if doing so hurts them- even moreso if those things are related to a past trauma.
Hypervigilance can be exhausting. You're aware of so many things all the time, trying to juggle them all, and human bodies aren't made to do that 24/7. A lot of people wind up feeling tired, angry, depressed, or upset because they can't relax. It can make it hard to sleep or focus.
Our Experience
Personally, hypervigilance feels like ambient terror or uncomfortable physical alertness that doesn't have a clear cause or resolution. It's just there, constantly, like our brain taped down its alarm button. I usually describe it as "you know when you lean back in a chair and almost fall over, and you get that bolt of fear? That, but it doesn't stop."
It also shows up as difficulty trusting people and situations. In the past, I often got stuck in loops of trying to "fix" people because letting them be responsible for themselves felt unsafe, which did a lot of damage to everyone involved. Other people here were stuck pushing friends away, hurting themselves to try to calm down, or choosing not to have any friends in the first place. It didn't make the fear go away, but we didn't know what else we could do.
Hypervigilance doesn't have to be a permanent state of being, and it can be unlearned by learning coping skills that allow you to feel your emotions without being overwhelmed, then gently exposing yourself to discomfort or (perceived) risk and learning to tolerate it better.
Self-soothing skills have been extra-helpful for me, though it took a while to be able to do something like "take three deep breaths" without feeling worse. As kids, we were often punished for needing time to calm ourselves down, so a lot of us learned that we weren't allowed to take a moment to soothe ourselves. I had to figure out why it felt like I wasn't allowed to calm myself down before I could actually do it. Taking a deep breath has gotten easier now that I can recognize that trauma response and tell myself, "if someone gets mad at you for trying to calm down, then that's their problem, not yours".
I still have a hard time trusting people, but I've learned that they have to be responsible for themselves and their own issues. "Fixing" people doesn't help them. It takes away their chance to learn how to help themselves, hurting them in the long run.
Alt text duplicated below the cut.
[Image ID start.]
Red, who is surrounded by warning symbols and looks annoyed: "What the hell, man, this sucks! I'm not even anxious, why the fuck is our body on alert? We're fine!"
Echo, popping in: "That'll be the hypervigilance. From the PTSD. You know, the 'my body is on alert for danger even when it's safe' symptom. Did you not notice it before?"
Red, now infuriated and throwing her hands in front of her: "No! I was too fucking pissed off to be unsettled!"
Blue: "Want me to take over?"
Red: "Please!"
Blue: "Yay :3"
Blue switches in abruptly, looking fairly happy. The warning symbols in the background are still there, but dimmer. Echo walks out of the panel.
Red, throwing her hands up in frustration: "Why do you get to be relaxed?!"
Blue: "I'm not, I'm just ignoring the horrors :3"
Red: "What."
Blue, starting to sweat: "If I stay busy with fun stuff, then I don't get sucked into feeling bad, and then it's okay."
Red, concerned: "Are you… okay? Is that why you're like this all the time? I thought you were just being annoying on purpose."
Gwen, smiling and poking her head in from the side of the panel: "Wow, rude."
Blue: "As long as I have stuff to do, I'm fine, yeah!"
Red: "Are we all just trying to avoid our own body freaking out all the time? Fuck."
Echo, peeking back in: "Sounds familiar."
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another thing about "had a Does Not Compute moment upon reading that people wanted fluff not suffering" is that in my Fallen Londoner social circle I'm pretty sure I have some of the mildest tastes when it comes to suffering. I am a hurt/comfort liker in the sense that characters hurt so that the comfort Hits Harder. meanwhile a lot of the folks I know are on that all-hurt-no-comfort eternal conga line
I've been pluralizing "eximus" as "exima" but it turned out I fucked up latin pluralization. the correct form is probably "eximi"
like I could just say "eximuses" or "eximus units" like a normal person. but one is a mouthful and the other caused my brain to take an immediate left swerve
anyway I'm reminded of the time that someone went "how are the tatterdemalion kissers doing, I bet they're really upset over this" and I was just like are you kidding. I'm having the time of my life. I have never eaten so well
anyway I'm reminded of the time that someone went "how are the tatterdemalion kissers doing, I bet they're really upset over this" and I was just like are you kidding. I'm having the time of my life. I have never eaten so well
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I think being in the fallen london fandom has skewed my perception a bit because I had to sit and have a Does Not Compute moment upon reading a bunch of people going "I wanted pure fluff, not more suffering for the characters"
anyway I understand why people are feeling bait and switched but I'm personally really glad they took this direction, as someone who ended up disengaging with the newer Hex chats because they felt too... idk, fluffy is the only word I can think of for it. there's nothing wrong with fluff but as someone who played In Stars and Time (which does NOT pull any punches about how much being trapped in a timeloop actually sucks) it just always bothered me that the Hex seemingly accepted their eternal entrapment in a hellish fascist-warzone-slash-zombie-apocalypse timeloop so easily. like not even having friends with you in the loop can fix that situation, especially when one of those friends is a nigh-immortal nigh-demigod capable of manipulating said timeloop and your memories. like it's because the characters are so believably and engagingly written that this was a downright immersion-breaking thing for me.
so I'm really fucking glad they're addressing this particular Sword of Damocles. even if they're addressing it because it fell on someone. sorry, Amir. I do have a lot of faith in you and your friends, though - I believe you can make it through this.
I think being in the fallen london fandom has skewed my perception a bit because I had to sit and have a Does Not Compute moment upon reading a bunch of people going "I wanted pure fluff, not more suffering for the characters"
