Do you look up to the sky?

“Me, But Happy” by Neil Hilborn

Aries: It was when you opened up to me so easily. I was used to them being closed off, masking hurt with humor or skirting around the subject entirely. But you told me everything, more than was necessary even, and you just sat right there looking at me with this fearlessness in your eyes..and I loved you. 

Taurus: It was when I had threatened to tickle you again, and you scrunched your nose in the way that I love and lunged for me with a playful vengeance. Your eyes were sparkling and later you fell asleep under me, like I was your home.  

Gemini: It was when you were listening to me speak-I mean really listening. Your eyes were on me, but I could tell you were holding onto every word I said, as if trying to understand what I’d been thinking in that very moment.

Cancer: It was when we both turned our heads and laughed to each other. It was like I was all too aware of everything, but distracted at the same time. Our closeness left me breathless and your eyes had crinkled at the corners, a genuine laugh. I wanted to be the only one who you shared that laugh with. 

Leo: It was when you hugged me for the first time. It wasn’t awkward, or fleeting. you had burrowed your head in my chest after spending a day all to ourselves. You hugged me like you’d miss me, and I’d realized I’d ache when you were gone too. 

Virgo: It was when you had made a really bad joke. Your reply had been dry- probably not even meant to be funny. But everyone around us laughed loudly, and seemed to love your presence. you had laughed along too- you always loved to laugh. And I was looking at you all along thinking, where were you all this time? 

Libra: It was when our eyes met across the room. You’d never gone unnoticed- everyone loved you and you were fond of everyone else. But it’s like that look was meant for me only. One you’d never gave to anyone else, one you’d been saving for someone like me. 

Scorpio: It was when I found myself wanting to tell you things I didn’t share with anyone else. You had sat there expectantly, and openly- like you’d wait all day if you had to. And when I told you you didn’t leave, you understood. 

Sagittarius: It was the way you loved everyone else. When you were around the people you loved, you were so happy. You were playful and made sure everyone around you was just as happy as you were. But when things got rough, you knew what to do, too. You were ready for whatever life threw your way. 

Capricorn: It was when you told me everything would be okay. You told me I deserved to be happy, that I’d worked so hard, and that life has a funny way of working out in the end. You accepted me and I didn’t even know it was what I needed. 

Aquarius: It was when you laughed at my bad joke. You always had, but for some reason this one made you laugh the most. You were in the passenger seat of my car, and you slapped your hand over your mouth, trying to suppress it. I made a face, embarrassed, but you squeezed my arm and smiled like I gave you the world. 

id like you to meet goobert,

we all know hypothetically about the horrors of living in trumps america. we’ve all seen the same stories, we know how dangerous it is to be brown, that your whole life can fall down in an instant. we know this. I thought I knew this more than most, with my boyfriend being mexican. in the back of my mind I’ve had this anxiety for months, knowing what could happen - and today it did. 

we were stopped by what looked to  be a cop car in what I thought was an ordinary police stop (scary enough already) but it turned out to be anything but. behind the car were three  black vehicles with tinted windows, literally like you see in the movies. me and my boyfriend are both fresh out of teenager years, and there was just two of us against several armed government officers. 

this was literally the single most terrifying experience of my life. they told us to put our hands up and all I could think was that they’re gonna tell him to step out of the car, they’re gonna kill him in front of me, and I’m gonna have to call his family and tell them that I saw their son die and that he’s never coming home.  they laughed in my boyfriend’s face, asking several times for his name and jiggling the door handle and held us for what felt, to me, like a small and hellish eternity. I’m sure most people can understand what a traffic stop can be like as a brown person in america - i feel like i don’t need to say much more here and honestly just trying to describe everything that happens makes me want to throw up so I’m not going to.

eventually they let us go and somehow it only gets worse from there. we found out that my boyfriend’s father had been picked up by ICE. we believe at present that the point of the stop was to stop me and my boyfriend from driving past the daycare down the road (where his father was dropping off his 3 yr old son at) so that we wouldn’t be able to see what they were doing to his dad. the fact that they know our schedules so well means they must have been following us and watching us for a while. i would say that i’m paranoid except that honestly, this is entirely justified. 

currently, his dad is being held by ICE. because it’s immigration court, not criminal court, he is not entitled to free legal representation. we need at least $5000 for lawyer, not even including the bond. my boyfriend and I both work but there is no way for us to be able to raise this kind of money on such short notice. my boyfriend is basically in shock right now, as I think is very reasonable, and this entire situation feels beyond hopeless. the only chance we have of keeping his family together is through this lawyer, and through asking for help from others.

i know you are all tired from everything you see on the news. i know that there are many stories like ours. but please, this is ours. this is the man I love. this is his father. this is our future together. I never thought this would actually happen and it honestly still feels like a surreal nightmare but it has happened, and we cannot get out of it ourselves.