ello

Lots of movement, been keeping busy. I've been going through the motions, learning how to navigate this period of my life as I go. Met some new people too. It all just feels a bit... expected? Symptom of feeling unfulfilled maybe. anyways. going to bed.

I'd like to be more stoic I think.

Figured i'd write because I feel happy right now :^). I just got back from a tennis session with friends. It was super hot outside. The shower that followed was incredibly rejuvenating. As i'm writing this, i'm listening to Joey Badass's new album at my friend's place. We're all just vibing and recovering after eating. Energy will be required for the rest of the night 🍻. Summer's being good to me.

Felt like writing a little to get stuff of my chest. It's been almost three months now since i've graduated and started working full time. Swell job, cool colleagues, couldnt complain. I'm tired though. Maybe its the environment i'm in. Maybe its just me trying time and time again to fill the gap that she left, with no success. It's different but the same everytime. Just dissapointed. I keep putting time and energy to myself too -- and I'm seeing progress. Still longing for that someone, regardless.

I haven't written in a little while. It's sort of habitual, ironically. Today was my last day of school. Finally graduated as a software engineer. I figured i'd be euphoric, but it hasnt hit me yet. I'm looking forward to all the free time i'm going to get, to invest it in myself. I don't know what else to write. It's been a pretty empty start to 2022 so far. I'm glad i'm well surrounded by my friends.

Loneliness isn’t when you have no one. It’s when no one has you. No one’s first thought. Reminding someone about you without having to do anything.

Haven’t written in over a month now. Some stuff has happened. Heart is a bit tight, so I figured i’d write some. Been seeing this girl, very lovely, she was a kindred soul -- we were very much alike. We hit it off, we had a lot of fun, talked, laughed, even shared physical intimacy. Today she just told me she’s doesn’t want to date. She felt overwhelmed. It didnt make much sense to me, but I didnt bother to press her for a more elaborate explanation. I just feel dissapointed. Am I not enough?  

Didn’t write in a little while, four months to be exact. Not much honestly to say: finished my internship this summer, had a blast playing tennis and drinking with the boys. Still keeping up with lifting daily, actually really proud of my progress so far. This winter I’m planning on eating more and bulk up a little bit, see how it goes. I also work part-time this semester along with classes. Gonna be a bit tough, but it’s the last stretch of uni. I’m having some episodes of loneliness. Nothing crazy though, I feel like most people get these negative emotions here and there. It’s not eating away at me or anything. Guess i’m just not used to being single after 2 + 5 years of relationship back to back. Not too sure what to do. Thinking on just focusing on finishing school, staying disciplined with the gym and see what life holds for me. Still looking here and there on dating apps and whatnot, but turns out i’m superpicky. Maybe i’ll write a post of my standards or something lol. Gonna stop writing here, it’s getting long compared to my older posts. 

Oh quick followup. I want to write more. A lot of people suggest it’s a good way to heal and to evacuate negative feelings. I don’t know if anyone’s ever going to read this but, i’ll try anyway. I don’t know if I should necessarily talk about everything that goes through my head though.

Havent posted in a little while, so this might be longer. Not much has happened since mid April! At the start of May I started my final internship, having a blast coding and learning at home. With the heat slowly coming back, i’ve been playing Tennis with friends every weekend. Last saturday we even had a BBQ! Was dope seeing some of the homies and just chilling. Feels good to be able to go outside and be physically active. Curfew has been removed since May 28th, so that’s also cool. I can go wherever whenever. This monday, gyms will also open back up. I’m thrilled to be able to start (once again...) training! Overall I think things are good. Except for one. I’m meeting my ex today... again. Relationship wounds are like physical ones, no? You have to tend to them -- if you don’t, they might open up again. Having to see her again is causing me a lot of anxiety. Like... I know it’s over. But she still has a special place, and I think that’s normal after a 5 year relationship. In any case, it’s definitely gonna cause me to regress from healing from that breakup. She’s going to pull up in like 30 minutes. I don’t even know what to say, she’s supposed to give me stuff and i’m supposed to give her hers. Maybe we should just keep at it at that. But then again, life’s short, no? Maybe I should tell her how i’m feeling. Anyways. Here’s to a good summer.

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