•☁︎🚏lev🚏☁︎•

i FINALLY got myself to send another email to the dysautonomia clinic…. ;-;

it just doesn’t matter how hard i’m still having to fight it doesn’t matter how long i try to keep pushing it doesn’t matter if i try to give myself grace and time it doesn’t matter because it isn’t getting me anywhere better and it’s so hard it’s so beyond hard to justify this and to not give in to the pit in my stomach the genuine sick feeling that these boughts of turmoil and overwhelming emotions leave me with i can’t bare it for forever i really can’t i don’t want to have to put myself through it anymore if it makes no difference in the end i just can’t i don’t understand what i did to deserve this life of being alone and in pain and to be so disadvantaged and i hate being a leech on the earth and a burden to everything and everyone and to myself i hate it so so so so so much

i can’t tell if i’m just overthinking or if i said the wrong things and this sort of feeling is partly why ive self isolated so habitually/instinctively bc im still not able to cope well with things like this even at fucking 23 years old like you’d think by now i could regulate myself better

cupcakes would b so yummy rn……..