•☁︎🚏lev🚏☁︎• @sleepylev - Tumblr Blog

brief placeholder post about tags i use:

“♥︎” = original posts

“♥︎ +” or “♥︎+” = additive reblogs (aka any reblog where i add text/media of any kind to a post)

“ℹ︎” = personal info / updates (i am disabled via physical health + mental health conditions & frequently vent about them; i am not always consistent about tagging said vents but i try to use this tag on posts with personal updates &/or things i may deem as important info about myself…? if that makes sense)

“my art” = any art i make (drawings, paintings, crochet, embroidery, etc; my interests/hobbies cover tons of different mediums!…)

*** + any other commonly-used tags can be found by clicking the “🔍” icon at the top right corner of my blog

#♥︎#about me #btw: the literal only difference between the ‘♥︎+’ tags are that one of them has a space between the symbols ;-;#(as i used to place a space and then eventually forgot about that so now i have to eventually go back and streamline everything ~_~; ……

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about to get ready to drive to the hospital and see my grandma. lots of other family are there right now, as they’re about to send her to hospice

#♥︎#ℹ︎

was just informed a little bit ago this afternoon that my (last remaining) grandma is in the hospital for having fallen and broken both of her femurs.

yes, both of them. the hardest bones to break in your body.

really not looking good, as this may very well indicate the existence of a specific type of (i believe blood) cancer, which may end up in her not being able to be operated on (successfully) when she goes into surgery within (i believe) the next day.

this grandma has estranged herself from essentially all of my family for over a year at this point, so this is definitely going to be a complicated and prolonged grieving process, no matter the outcome of is she is able to make it through this…

if anyone comes across this, please keep her in your thoughts, i would greatly appreciate it…

… i was actually one of the only family members (to my knowledge) that she didn’t explicitly call to disown when she began burning connections, which i may never actually know if it was due to her own decisions or whether she just forgot to get to me. i miss her and the times my brother and i / our cousins / etc. would be able to spend time with her and my (passed) grandpa… typing this is bringing me to tears so at least some emotion is coming out now that the news is settling a bit into my heart and brain about her accident…

#♥︎#ℹ︎#under the cut is just more personal feelings..#any and all kind wishes/prayers/etc. for my grandma would be greatly appreciated if anyone is compelled/able…#sorry again for so much text #thank you for reading

sigh…i rlly need a haircut … ;-;

the last time i had one was when i shaved my head back in january (?) … like i don’t necessarily hate it atm but the small amount of hair on my neck is just getting to be too much for me in this heat ;-;

(also idk why i feel like covering my face in these… ?… i guess it’s partly bc i don’t wanna be perceived rn ,,, ugh idk dude the concept of even just posting my face atp makes me feel stressed and uncomfortable and paranoid and everything bc of stupid fucking ai)

(also i took these right after having showered last night aka before i slept on my hair bc my hair texture has changed a lot ???????….. like, as of recently, so it’s become quite difficult to fix after being slept on (i tend to sleep mostly on my right side so my hair is already not laying as flat anymore now as of typing this))

#♥︎#me #also i don’t have any septum jewelry in rn bc i had to take out the jewelry i *did* have in like over a week ago bc—#—i ended up getting irritation around my upper lip/cupid’s bow area/bottom of my nose/around the piercing itself/etc #so that was unfortunate…#i’m gonna try to put in some jewlerly again within the next couple days hopefully bc septum peircings can close up super quickly #and i have some black septum jewelry i’ve wanted to try out but im worried ill be allergic to them too…#ugh… idk i at least have i think 1 or 2 pieces of septum jewelry i think would be a safer option but idkkkkkk #aaaanyway…#it’s really really late to still be using my phone tn #i need to try to sleep …#…but i keep hearing cars just idling in my neighborhood and it’s driving me insane #(like i keep just hearing the sound of a car being on just sitting still and the sound of the engine just … on)#(and a car as left my neighborhood like 2 or 3 times in the last hour)#(…and it’s currently 3:28am)#(so idk man i get super agitated by noises like that)#oh also i thought i had posted something of myself since i got my new glasses back in like may… but i that doesn’t seem to be the case #oops

IM FINALLY CLEANNNNNN

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;; <3

#♥︎#(i bathed)#(and am also in immense pain bc of it but still)#(i’m not stinky anymoreeeeeee yayyyyyyyyy)

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FINALLY GOOD NEWS = i decided to try and message my current psychiatrist to ask her if she would possibly be able to fill my muscle relaxer + anti inflammatory rx’s for the time-being (i let her know how i have an appointment w/ pain mgmt coming up on the 22nd of this month + other context to my situation like how it had been a month since i was able to take the muscle relaxer , etc) and she WAS able to fill them !!!…. :,D

and so she sent the two rx’s to my pharmacy this morning and they were able to be filled, like, immediately!!!

and my mom got off work early today so that paired with the fact i woke up a bit later today meant she was able to pick the meds up on her way home this afternoon which allowed me to resume taking them today!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!

like it literally has been since the 13th of last month that i had my muscle relaxer rx + it had been a week since i had run out of the anti inflammatory rx so to be able to not just get the prescriptions filled, but to be able to ALSO start them back today was such a relief :,,,,,))))))

#♥︎#ℹ︎#i’ve been struggling with way more pain bc of not having these meds so i’m just really hoping that i can finally have a bit more relief now-#—that i have the meds back in my system :’) !#i have therapy tomorrow for the first time in like a month or so as well so…#…there’s stuff regarding my therapist that i don’t remember if i’ve mentioned that happened the last time i saw her #(like i don’t recall if i posted about it here…)#but yeah idk i’m stressed a bit about actually seeing her tmr bc i cancelled the past 2 appointments i would have had w/ her …#…but decided i probably should go this time #(there’s more i could say but it’s late and i need to try to get to sleep soon…)#also one upsetting thing i learned is that the person (people?) that worked on my car to fix my ac ended up breaking my car’s dash …..#…and glued it back together (it’s a 2012 car and apparently the dash was brittle bc it’s plastic)… but only told my dad over the phone—#—bc i guess he wasn’t going to admit it at first or something????…..#but the thing is i have stickers all over my dash/car’s interior on the doors … and now some of them are seemingly gone now bc of the—#—dash having been broken (i’ve only seen a picture of it that my dad took and showed me bc i haven’t driven anywhere yet since having—#—the car back home after getting repaired)#… so that sucks #(some of the stickers were ones that i’ve had since i was a little kid that i don’t even remember where/how they came from but i rlly loved)#(which again rlly sucks but… there’s nothing i can rlly do at this point…)#i’m gonna try to look tomorrow at my dash and see if i can figure out which ones are missing now if i can #i’m not sure if i have pictures of the dash from before when the stickers were all there tho?…#so idrk if i can totally know for sure which ones are gone but UGH anyways…#again it just sucks …#but…#idk…#AT LEAST my car should have functioning ac again + i was able to have these 2 meds to take again

despite it being the weekend, i think im going to try and send my psychiatrist a message tomorrow to see if there’s any possibility she could send in the 2 rx’s my pain management doctor has apparently denied my refill requests for (despite me having an appointment with him on the 22nd of this month) for the muscle relaxer & antiinflammatory i’ve been taking since fcking 2024 because iv been in so much more pain since i haven’t been able to get them refilled EVEN THOUGH NEITHER OF THEM are controlled substances (such as my ADHD med, for example); i don’t understand why all of a sudden i just am not able to get them filled it makes zero sense to me like i can’t describe how confusing and frustrating it is to be in EVEN MORE PAIN than usual because of reasons that i just… am not being informed of???? … like i really just don’t get it at all and this is the send time in a row when it comes to the muscle relaxer rx being a nightmare to fucking get refilled for seemingly no reasons, but this time i was actually told it was “denied”???????? but no other explanation on top of that so idfk what i even am meant to do aside from suffer until the 22nd of this month like i haven’t even felt okay enough to force myself to endure showering because of this pain it’s so fucking humiliating and agitating and i can’t explain how pathetic it makes me feel because while *yes* i *could* try to push through showering more frequently (like i used to be able to), i just at this point am finding it harder and harder to force myself to endure the excess pain like my right hip pain affects my right knee and leads to pain there as well and my spine has been killing me and i just can’t deal with it anymore i really just can’t; i have so little energy even though i take a stimulant (my adhd med) and my cardiac issues make it a bit too risky to up my stimulant dosage to try and counteract my fatigue more and i just hate how no matter what im in pain—that very fact makes me put off things that i want & need to do (on top of my ocd and everything else) which in-turn means my brain can’t justify to myself to push through more pain when it will make me feel even worse than i already do so what’s the point/why not put it off longer til it makes “more” sense …

i hate how my ocd and depression get worse from my physical health (my pulse/heart rate also contributing to fatigue from showering as, for example, my blood appears to pool in my legs i shower and they turn decently purple-y/red + i haven’t been able to even comfortably shave my legs when i’ve wanted to because i can’t bend over to do so for very long without getting light-headed upon standing back up, etc; it’s just always something)

i’d really like to get a shower chair that fits in the shower i have and i’ve expressed this around my parents multiple times but of course nothing has come from it

like…

it’s just shit like this that piles up and makes life more exhausting each and every day i’m alive to live it because the simplest things are filled with fears of germs, fears of worsening my pain, attempts to mitigate pain, desires to do more than lay in bed, desires to leave my house and see friends, avoidance of contact, fear of death, pining for relief, fear of how things feel unreal, attempts to do something creative, feel from intensified pain if i get myself to try and do anything other than laying in bed or sitting up long enough to eat or walking minimally around my house, etc etc etc…

#this is embarrassing to say so blantantly about (*SOME*) of the struggles i have with self hygiene but it’s the truth.#it’s the actual truth at this point in my life and i can’t even remember how i was able to take better care of myself when my pain first—#—began ramping up #and that actually a bit scary to think of how i can’t really remember #is it just because of trauma???…#is it that i just simply can’t remember as of rn???#i don’t know it’s just troubling #and i don’t know how much i’ve brought of my fear of germs but it’s one of the—if not THE *BIGGEST*—theme (?) of my ocd #idek how many huge hand sanitizer bottles i’ve gone thru the past few years man #i still have some laying around in my room that are used up… so at LEAST 6+?….#it used to not be as bad for me but i’ve been afraid of germs since i learned about them in preschool #like i legitimately learned in preschool about how we have germs in our mouths and then i took it upon myself to—#—not only wash my mouth w/ soap but ALSO with hand sanitizer …#i’m dead-serious i put hand sanitizer in my mouth at a preschool age bc of how much i didn’t like/want germs.#(i don’t think i swallowed any but i believe it made me a bit sick?… idrk i can’t super remember all the details i just know i did it #—and that that is the first memory that has always been in mind of thinking about how/when my fear of germs formed)#ANYWAYS i cried a little typing this so i should probably stop and try to get to bed now…#sorry for info-dumping a bit and for venting for the billionth time i just am horribly unwell but i hope anybody else who might be here—#—is at least somewhat okay #the world is fucking horrifying right now to say the least #please be safe and take care as best you can

cried again tonighttttt bc of pain & everything being horrible yayyyyyy

LOVE being able to hear my mom *instantly* complain about me from the living room as soon as i return to my room & close my door like CLOCKWORK

***i can hear her easily because my mom’s hearing is poor + she’s talks quite loud (especially when mad about something) + our house isn’t big + the walls are quite thin + etc

#♥︎#it’s just insane to me that she must assume i can’t ever hear her????…..#likeeeeeeee #idfk #just so deeply over this being the way things are #like she got upset at me for stating a conspiracy she brought up was dumb………#and yes i used the word ‘stupid’ to describe it but that was before she really exhibited herself as buying into it #so like. clearly i wasn’t calling HER stupid #but it doesn’t matter #because at that point she started speaking in a way that i knew i just should leave so i said ‘love you goodnight’—#—aka the thing that my family says when any of us go off to sleep—and went back to my room #and she’ll be silent up until a couple seconds or so—if that—after i close my bedroom door #sooooooooooo #ANYWAYS ! :))))))))))#it doesn’t matter #good news: my parents actually decided to fix what we learned was wrong with my car’s ac (despite the larger cost this time) and so i—#—FINALLY apparently have working a/c again in my car for the first time in nearly a YEAR and i’m super grateful because this FINALLY—#—enables me to be more able of doing things i need + want to do more independently again & so that’s a big relief that still is—#—setting in as i didn’t even know they actually decided to go through with the work that needed to be done til today (aka the day it was—#—done being worked on + was ready to be picked up bc my dad dropped it off back on the—#—29th of june & i hadn’t heard anything else about my car since around that day)#***i could vent more about how the time leading-up to my car ACTUALLY being dropped off at the mechanic shop was extremely frustrating—#—but i just don’t feel like i should type all that down here bc these tags are already insanely long #but yeah at least one good thing has happened now when it comes to important issues which is nice

i’m sorry i need to put this down and try and lay down i took my night meds already at least

it’s horrible how even in upsetting dreams i have like during last night/this morning is really the only way for me to have someone holding me or caring about me (fleetingly in dreams) it’s so disorienting and depressing and embarrassing to even admit but it’s the truth

i hate how unwell i am so deeply it hurts so badly i can’t ever cry enough about it even though my face is totally covered in tears and puffy and swollen and red and gross i could genuinely cry for another 23 years and it would probably still not add up to how badly my gut aches for everything

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what’s even the fucking purpose of postponing death anyways when my whole life i’ve been thinking about dying and being scared of when it will happen to me

life doesn’t feel worth it or real lost of the time but i try to distract myself and it doesn’t work for very long and i swear i take my meds every single fucking day exactly how i’m meant to but my environment has never changed so im just perpetually trapped in the past and still undergoing the motions of being a sick person dependent on people who can only (be bothered to) do so much and i can’t expect them to fix me or care enough or take care even if themselves and so im meant to be an adult as i ought to and help myself but i just can’t figure out how to live i really can’t i just don’t want to live this way i don’t want to have to be forced to live here like this anymore getting nowhere

all i do is complain to no one in particular on the internet in pseudo-privacy and i don’t even know what this is meant to accomplish except for getting these feeling out of me a little bit but i hate that me having breakdowns could make anybody who might see it feel bad so then i don’t know if i should even be posting sometimes but then ive already put up so much already i cant make up my mind

i hate how pitiful i’ve become

i don’t want to be so fragile

i want to be better

but i don’t know if i will ever get there

so my phone issue still is present but somehow i have enough space to redownload this app?…

idk how long that will be the case for, but… yeah, idk…

i know the last time i posted was only a few days ago, but as far as updates go i still am struggling a lot with basically everything

still don’t have the muscle relaxer rx despite calling the pain mgmt dr.’s office last thursday to schedule an appointment & ask about the rx (i had to leave a voicemail for the rx bc i had to be transferred to a different number for that need)

and today i ran out of the anti-inflammatory med i take (which is my fault for not submitting a refill request for sooner) but overall im just so so so frustrated that THIS medication ALSO has to be renewed by the same dr. (as it was out of refills as well)

… i just cried some earlier tonight again out of frustration with my pain

it’s never leaving me for the rest of my life

.. and now typing this is making me cry again bc i just am at a loss.

everything is so difficult and everyone feels it too

i know it’s not just me and that makes it even worse because i never wanted anyone else to feel even a part of what i do depression-wise/etc. if i could help it

but life is so…

it’s just so monotonous and exhausting at this point

i don’t do anything but struggle to sleep and force myself to eat and i take my meds every single day like clockwork but it’s never fucking mattered much when you take into account all the external factors that contribute to my mental state

i know this sounds extremely hyperbolic to say but i truly have just had this feeling like im dying slowly and its just not being taken seriously by doctors

but adequate medical care means financial debt because of the fucking country i’ve been born into

i don’t have money to leave

i don’t have a support system

i can’t get myself to talk to anyone

i can’t understand why this world is so evil and cruel

i don’t get why it’s so hard for the right things to happen

i just lay in bed all day and hate it

i don’t want to be nothing

but i can’t do anything more

my health is so bad and my parents aren’t enough help and they’re getting older as well

i miss my grandparents and my dog

i miss my friends

i miss going outside when it wasn’t so debilitatingly hot and i could somewhat afford to ask for maybe $20 to go to a movie or eat or something with people i love

i miss having my job (for the most part)

i miss the internet before it became what it is now

i can’t believe how long i’ve stuck it out but i really just want to rest for forever and never have to worry about anything anymore i wish i could find the guts to make the decision to end my pain and burdens inside and being a burden to everyone else

i hate feeling incapable when i know im not, but there’s not enough inside of me to left to push for hope of something better when there’s not been a single improvement within the last decade of really any aspect of my life

i’m still stuck in a neglectful household where i still shoukd exercise gratitude for the little support that i’ve got

i’m still dependent on my one personal pharmacy of medications & supplements in an effort to get myself up to some sort of baseline

i’m still overrun with the mental health issues that lead me to stay stuck in my own head and that contribute to rotting away from stress and fear and depression

my body constantly is in pain &/or discomfort

i can’t win

i can’t ever get relief

and who am i to even think i deserve it when i contribute nothing good

my phone has been acting insane ever since last night so i *might* have to just delete this app for rn (bc it’s over 4GB large 4 me bc of—i guess/believe—my insane amount of drafts)

… please wish me luck… i’m so sick of everything breaking for me for no fcking reason all the time i’ve been trying to sort the issue(s) it’s been having genuinely all day and i’m starting to already get super agitated :,) …!

#♥︎

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