bee thoughts

I work nightshift. It's harder to sleep during the day than you'd think. The most I can manage is a 2 hour nap. 4 if I'm lucky. Then another 1-2 hours in the evening before my 10 hour shifts. It's been working alright so far, but I take a lot of stimulants.

My heart hurts. Physically, not figuratively, and I wonder how much damage I'm doing. I'm not young. I don't take great care of myself. I'm too busy taking care of everyone else.

I slept over at a friend's place after work recently, and it was the best sleep I've had in a long time. He's got a nice mattress, I guess, and his room is dark and calm. No snoring, coughing, talking, soon to be ex-husband in the next room. No 14 year old son coming home from school, bursting through the door to tell be about his day. No animals squeaking, clicking, whining because I have to sleep when they're awake 4 days a week.

It's only 4 days a week. Can't everyone just respect my need for sleep 4 days a week?

The answer is no.

Anyway, my friend basically told me that he'd rather I not sleep over after work again. I'm the ex-husband, 14 year old son, animal. I take too long to settle down and I keep him awake. Fair enough.

I try not to take it personally when he chooses himself over me, which he does 9 times out of 10. It's healthy to set boundaries. He's being emotionally mature. He's advocating for himself. I'm happy for him.

I created this blog to keep myself from overwhelming my friends with my nonstop stream of consciousness rambling. I'm too verbose for Twitter and also ew, Elon Musk. I've always liked journaling. I was better at it when I was younger.

Out of my 2 tarantulas, one had a bad molt and died, and the other escaped and now lives (hopefully) somewhere in this big 102 year old house.

My only friend at work quit, so when I return, I won't have anyone. I'll have to start all over, socially, and I hate that.

My great-grandmother died. She was 101, so this is not a tragedy. Just an ending. I wish her well, and I hope she sees my great-grandfather again.

I'm getting divorced.

Again.

This is all to say

I love you with my skin

and with my mouth

and with all the parts of me

that you will allow