Slave Chat

All healthy relationships involve communication, mutual respect, and boundaries. But conversations about boundaries can look different for D/s couples than for vanilla ones.

1. Sexual Boundaries

This includes the soft & hard limits you want to set for play. Don't forget to also talk about all the things you do want, not just the things you don't!

Soft limits: could consider.

Hard limits: definitely not.

Limits can change over time and there's nothing wrong with that! That's why communication is so important.

2. Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries come into play with anything that can trigger stress or an emotional response, including rules, punishments, and some forms of play.

These boundaries are harder to set in advance than sexual ones.

Pay attention to how you & your partner feel when the power exchange is expressed in different ways, especially during punishments.

3. Independence/Dependence Boundaries

One big difference between D/s and vanilla relationships is how much independence each partner has. But D/s does NOT mean codependent.

As a Dom, what is it okay for your sub to depend on you for? How much independence do you need?

As a sub, how much say do you want your Dom to have in what you do? What parts of your life do you need more agency in?

4. Privacy Boundaries

It's important to set boundaries around whether you want other people to know about the D/s aspects of your relationship. Is it okay to tell anyone, and how much do you want to share?

Also consider your comfort level when it comes to showing casual dominance in public.

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

SPOTTING A TRUE DOMINANT

- A dominant man will not start off with, ‘Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!’ There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to ‘block n’ move on.’ (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short). Ignore the Insta-Dom.

- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a ‘Dom’ becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavour.

- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.

- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womaniser per se, but certainly sexually advanced.

- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.

- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.

- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.

- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).

- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.

- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying ‘dom’ will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall. In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s. A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it. If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.

1. Get rid of as many distractions as you can. Switch off your phone; close tumblr and facebook; work away from other people – and don’t tell them where you are!

2. Make sure you’ve attended to your physical needs or else they’ll distract you - as you’ll feel uncomfortable. For example, wear relaxing clothes; set the room temperature so that it’s not too hot or cold; and have a snack and some water close at hand.

3. Plan to work at a time when you’re usually most productive. For example, if you’re a morning person, set your alarm and get up early – and make that a pattern, no matter how you feel.

4. Take control of, and silence, that restless inner voice that tries to distract you, and stops you focusing. Also. sometimes it is helpful to set aside some time to listen to those voices – then return and do some work.

5. Allow yourself a break after each half hour of work as it’s difficult to concentrate for longer than that.

Ok, I’ll say this once.

Folks. Pronouns are your enemy.

Be specific. Use exact language.

I mean WTF is stuff?

Do I think people should meet, interact, find connections, make sparks, have sex? Sure.

Do I do BDSM? You bet your ass. As in way out there stuff? Nods. Yep. I’m good at it too (Had good teachers). Given demos and instructionals on topics ranging from torture using everyday household devices to caning seminars.

Am I a hard core edge player? You fucking know it. I’ll use razors and cigars and torches and pliers and all sorts of crazy shot on a bitch. Some of my toy bags have things like drills and belt sanders in them.

Savage use. Brutal assaults. Hard repeated taking.Breathtaking humiliation. Massive degradation. Emotional destruction-Two thumbs up for all of the above.

Big fan.

Much big fan…as long as, and this is the huge quantifier, its done between consenting sane adults.

But am I advocating murder or abduction or decapitation or actual real live serious fucking rape You know, the bad kind)-Fuck no. In fact. Fuck fucking no.

There’s a line between fantasy and reality.  It’s a simple line to see-it’s the thickness of a prison wall.

Shibari Basics 1 - What is Shibari?  

Shibari is the Japanese word generally meaning “decorative tying” and has become the western term most commonly used to describe the art of (Japanese) rope bondage.  There is debate that the correct term should be “Kinbaku” (literally “tight binding“) which is perhaps more properly used to describe the art of erotic tying or sensual bondage.  Japanese sources use both terms so I tend to think either is correct, but Kinbaku is less known so I use “shibari” and eschew debate.  The Wiki article is reasonably balanced.

Shibari has different context and content for different practitioners.  The title “Sex and Shibari” in an online forum drew diverse opinions ranging from “it’s never about sex, it’s about rope” to “rope is always about sex” and as you may imagine, everything in between.  While I enjoyed the back and forth, and the varied opinions, one post set me thinking more than others and simply said: “Ropes are another way to wrap me in his arms…”

The response resonated with me, because that is what the tying feels like to me: A caress that lingers, an embrace that does not fade. And an embrace is just as lovely, and asexual, and sexually potent as Shibari.

To me, there is a wide range here. I tend to view things as continuums, like “touch.” Touch can be wonderful, and completely non-sexual (think massage, hugs). Much depends on response, and intent. Shibari is like any communication – what we take away it is the result not only of what is stated or expressed explicitly but also what is intended, what is felt, and who each of us processes the events. For me, there are many interrelated facets, as tangled as any skein -  It can be domination, and control - either for sex or as an end in itself  It can be a celebration of pretty rope, shared between two (or more)                It can be the prelude to more, or the end in and of itself  It can be surrender and release for those that need a reminder that they are not in control  It can be art and expression, a statement in color and line, but also performance art.

Compelling as the images are, the process is infinitely more compelling than the outcome alone. Unlike a painting, or sculpture, it is not just the product, but the dynamic interplay between rope and space and subject(s) and rigger and any number of variables in the immediate environment.  It can be an expression, or prelude, to many kinds of emotion and passion, or of patient love.

But it goes further, affecting the artist and subject. Tying forces a pace, and a level of intimate contact that can be enjoyed as foreplay, as a series of caresses, or like an extended hug. I can put a Karada (body harness) on a playmate in 10 minutes give or take, But I would much rather spend 30-60 minutes and enjoy the pace, the closeness, the contact, the feel of rope and hands and skin, and the connection all of these and whatever spirit we are given create. Savoring the reaction and the interplay as the ends are pulled, and the working ends are cinched and tightened. It all plays a part; the breathing, the reaction to my words, the touch, and the developing intricacy of the construction.

It can be respectful, and worshipful of form and body and of the feelings of hands and rope on skin. I often feel that way with a friend. It needn’t be sexual to be a pleasure. I enjoy just the practice, the challenge, the engagement. With a friend or playmate vs. a lover, this is an end and a pleasure in itself. Though with a lover, practice seldom stops with just the tying. I admit to not actually being as resilient as a monk.

Part of my fascination and pleasure still stems from my first experience, experimenting with Spice as my partner.  Teaching myself Pentagram with the instructional playing on the computer, and then simple crotch rope, and then Karada.  Feeling how her responses deepened as we progressed, losing time myself. The surprise for both of us when she came hard - just being directed to kneel in Karada - anticipation building to climax even as I fumbled with the then unfamiliar patterns (Here for the whole story:  “Kinbaku”).    

It can be a humiliation and exaltation, discipline and pleasure, a trial or predicament challenge in itself.  Perhaps that is more at the traditional roots, but if neither the rigger nor the “model” see it that way, then it is not that way. Allowing one’s self to be tied is not a humiliation in of itself, but at its most basic, merely an expression of trust.  

And it can be lovely art, viewed from whatever vantage the viewer takes, regardless of the intent of the rigger or the experience of the “model.” I do not need the narrative to enjoy the images. I love the pictures, even when they are only thinly disguised as art.

I don’t think there is a wrong way to do Shibari (as long as one is aware of the risks, and works within their capabilities) nor is there a wrong expectation, as long as the path is shared by both.  The experience of the “bunny” and “rigger” will be as varied as any of our experiences of fine art, ballet or the rainbow of different opportunities out there. It is the pleasure that we allow it to be, and always what we make of it. It is no more intrinsically sexual than dancing, to my mind and feeling. And just as hand cuffs are not – per se – sexual, neither is rope. (At least I think “most” cops would agree… on handcuffs…) But of course dance, and rope and cuffs can all become highly sexual when charged with the energy of intent between consenting partners, and they are beautiful for that as well.

Learning the basics, the standard knots and ties, is very much about acquiring the means to express creatively and fully along your own path. Initially following the plan, then gradually making changes, adding decoration, finding what works for you and each of those you tie.

Learning to tie a correct, or standard, TK (Takate Kote Chest tie) or FutoMomo leg binding is partly about form, but for me much more about learning how rope works on the body, and on the spirit.  Its about where it can go next, and building the skills to get there. In music, improvisation is not learned, per se, but the ability to improvise, to play the instrument so well that conscious control falls away is a first step. Understanding how music works and the forms others will understand and relate to is equally important. The cool stuff happens when all of that has been practiced into knowledge, and becomes a language of creation and expression. 

So too, Rope.  Fortunately, a beginner’s Karada Body Harness is a lot more fun than endless renditions of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

This is post 1 of 13 planned posts on Shibari Basics.  See them all (as written) with the tag “Shibari basics.”

This is an excellent question!  There are some very specific things that come to mind, most of which I’m sure will be argued by all the dom-a-bees out there.  My list is as follows:

1. Observent - A Dom/me must be able to learn the tells of His or Her submissive.  If you watch carefully you’ll see the blush run across their skin.  You’ll see and hear the change in speed of their breath.  You’ll know exactly when they are holding back, or when they are ready for more.  This also helps when playing in those soft limits which can be oh so tenuous areas to deal with.

2. Patient - A Dom/me must be able to take things slower than the rate their submissive may want to.  Yes, I said slower.  Knowing what he or she can take is important, but being calm and controlled enough to know that they aren’t ready for something is just as crucial.  It also comes into play on the occasions where a sub may use his or her safeword.  When that word is said, play stops and gears change.  An impatient Dom/me may push to work past and rush to return to play, where as one that is understanding of the situation knows what is best for their partner.

3. Organized - Being organized doesn’t mean laying out the toys before playtime, or remembering where you put the handcuff key.  It’s planning the progression of the submissives learning. Some even go as far as making notes after play sessions and analyzing responses from their submissive.  This doesn’t mean you have to stick to a strict schedule, far from it, but understanding that there is a set direction you want to lead your sub is an excellent start.

4. Caring - This one shouldn’t have to be said, but it does.  If you don’t care about your submissive, they will know and the relationship will go down like the Hindenburg.  This isn’t just about aftercare, but genuinely asking about their life and what is going on with them.  I know it’s easy to fall into the pattern of, playtime and go, but if you invest more time in your sub, you’ll get much more out of he or she.  

5. Flexible -  A scene can change in an instant, be it your sub using the safeword or noticing they are responding more to a certain thing, which may open up new opportunities.  Without being able to roll with the moment, and being able to notice these teachable moments, you can miss so much.  If you are observant and flexible, you may take your scenes to places you never imagined possible.

6. Empathetic - This may be hard for some “hard core” sadists.  Being able to empathize with what your sub is going through, not only in scenes, but also in life allows you to know where they are at mentally and physically.  This IS different from caring, and if you can’t figure that out, I suggest taking a step back and re-reading these traits.

I saw something come across my dash recently that said “There is no safeword”. Now, I know some may look at that and think “That’s Dom as fuck!” while others may not think too much on it and just go on to the next picture of tits and ass. Me? I read that and I think “wow. That’s fucked up”. For those of us in the lifestyle, whether you’re dipping your toe into the shallow end with blushing at light wrist bondage with a necktie or whether you have the full on Marquis De Sade dungeon suite in your basement, you should be operating under the three core principles. Say them with me, boys and girls…

Safe, Sane and Consensual

These three things should guide all of your actions. No safeword? Are you kidding me? Shit happens people. All the time. People accidentally strangle others during sex, extreme positions can cause internal injuries if prolonged and prolonged bondage can cause nerve damage and worse. Safewords are there for a reason. They help keep things… ready for it? Fucking SAFE. That’s the first rule. My partner needs to be able to tell me if something is wrong because I have a responsibility to keep her… what’s that word? Oh yeah… SAFE. No safeword. Bullshit.

It’s insane to put someone at risk and I don’t care how Dom you are, if you are so lax in your play and so arrogant that you figure you’ll know if anything is wrong, you’re crazy. You have another person’s well-being in your hands, the only SANE thing to do is ensure they have a means to let you know if something goes unexpectedly wrong. We are not perfect beings, none of us. Sometimes, shit happens and the most SANE thing you can do is prepare for that and pray you never need that preparedness. No safeword? Insane.

The last one is an issue of debate. If my partner says to me “I’ll do anything, hurt me as bad as you want” I have to believe something is going on in her head that makes it so that she cannot effectively give consent. That is someone looking to be punished for something and NOT in the good “ooh baby spank my ass, I’m a naughty boy/girl” sorta way. If someone can’t REASONABLY give CONSENT, then you should back off. ANYONE who believes there should be no safeword… in my opinion, cannot give CONSENT.

So, yeah, I’ll likely lose followers over this but you know what? I’m alright with that. I believe in those three words: SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL. I also believe in the one thing that ensures those three words and that is the safeword. Whether that word is “Red” or “Tomato” or “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” if you’re a Dom, make sure your sub has a safeword and make sure she knows it is alright for her to use it. If you’re a sub, insist on a safeword with your Dom before play and if he/she doesn’t want to let you have one or worse, doesn’t respect it when used… don’t just walk away… RUN because that person is dancing a little too close to “abusive prick”.

– Ian