Submission - TSR - 259-242-180

in support of Białystok and LGBT+ people

We are the Pride Knights, and this is our battle cry No enemy can shake us, as hard as they can try There’s a fire in our eyes that no hatred can kill A passion in our hearts that’s as strong as our will To our fellow queers who fight their battles on their own We promise to fight with you, you are never alone To our fellow queers who have fallen with the pain We thank you for your courage, your fight is not in vain

We are defenders of the right to be proud of who you are To love who you love and to accept every scar We are your knights, protectors of our pride Together we stand, together we ride

Thank you everyone for the overwhelming support you have shown for this project and for joining the @prideknights. Our goal is to let everyone feel and know they are valid no matter who they are. 

Gideon Mendel’s The Ward

Memories from the heart of the Aids crisis shows true love in a time of terrible tragedy.

In ‘85 I was a student nurse when I was told to assist in the draining of abscesses on the back of a young gay man with AIDS.

I walked in to see a friends boyfriend in the bed. He was the first person I knew that we lost but not the last.

I’m 2016 I lost a friend who’d lived with HIV for decades.

All that death, all that loss, all that pain and all the lies.

My generation of gay men are the ones who were scarred by their governments inaction and being shunned by medics and families. We carried the shame and pain and we fought.

We fought to become visible.

We fought for access to medicine.

We fought for pension rights.

We nursed and buried a generation of beautiful gay men cut down in their prime.

That fight means that marriage equality has become a reality for many.

That fight meant our coalition learnt fierce humility.

Now members of my generation are aging some still guilty for being survivors.

Some who never learned how to have healthy sexual relationships because of the fear they were taught.

We fell into two camps infected or affected.

For all of that we were still sexy, strong and fabulous.

We marched in pride and solidarity.

We partied hard and worked harder.

We fought for every twink, fem, jock, daddy, sissy, faggot, corne holer, fudge packer, shirt lifting arse bandit, swishy bitch, drag momma, cocksucking queer could do it with out being afraid that their next fuck would kill them

If you’re a younger gay man, you got lucky. You were born after the scourge of AIDS had started to pass, after the development of effective medications that make it a manageable condition and not a death sentence, and after the development of PrEP and PEP.

So you don’t understand what it was like to be gay in the 80s and 90s. You don’t understand just how much fear and contempt AIDS patients received. You don’t know how common it was for families to abandon AIDS patients, for them to die alone and unmourned. And you don’t know what lengths some people went to care for those unfortunate young men.

So read this. It’s the story of one remarkably kind woman, a woman who took care of AIDS patients when others wouldn’t, men she had no reason to care for but cared for them anyway. It’s beautiful and it moves me to tears.

Some resources are good for everyone

Anxiety

• http://www.adaa.org/ • http://youth.anxietybc.com/ • http://www.helpguide.org/topics/anxiety.htm

Asexuality

• http://www.asexuality.org • http://www.asexualawarenessweek.com

Bisexuality

• http://www.biresource.net/bisexualyouth.shtml • http://www.bisexual.org • http://www.pflagcentralcoastchapter.net/uploads/BisexualityResourcePacket.pdf • http://queerdictionary.tumblr.com/

Coming Out

• http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/YOU • http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out • http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/youthresource-comingout • GLBT National Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-PRIDE (7743)

Depression

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm • http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/depression.html • http://us.reachout.com

Eating Disorders

• http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support • http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_treatment.htm • http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/

Family and Friends

• http://theparentsproject.com/home/ • http://community.pflag.org/ • https://www.genderspectrum.org/

Gay and Lesbian

• http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=336 • http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=516 • http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Be_Yourself.pdf

Healthy Relationships

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships • http://www.breakthecycle.org/learn-about-dating-violence • http://www.thehotline.org/ • http://www.asexuality.org/home/relationship.html • https://rainn.org/ or call 1-800-656-HOPE

Homelessness

• http://www.ourtruecolors.org/ • http://fortytonone.org/ • http://nationalhomeless.org/ • http://www.aliforneycenter.org/

I Have A Crush

• http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/do-i-want-a-relationship • http://us.reachout.com/facts/factsheet/maintaining-a-happy-relationship • http://gayteens.about.com/od/crushes/

In School

• http://www.stopbullying.gov/ • http://www.glsen.org/ • http://www.gsanetwork.org/ • http://www.campuspride.org/ • http://www.athleteally.org/

International

• http://suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html • http://www.befrienders.org/ • http://iglhrc.org/ • http://ilga.org/ • http://www.iglyo.com/ • http://transactivists.org/ • http://www.oraminternational.org/ • https://www.nomorefearfoundation.org/faq/

Mental Health

• http://www.nami.org/ • http://www.reclaim-lgbtyouth.org/ • http://www.aglp.org

Out and Proud

• http://www.glbtnearme.org/ • http://www.outloudradio.org/ • http://www.transadvocate.com • http://www.genderfork.com

LGBTQ and Religion

• http://www.hrc.org/topics/religion-faith • http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Faith_Families.pdf • http://www.transfaithonline.org/ • http://www.religionfacts.com/homosexuality/index.htm • http://www.religiousinstitute.org/lgbt-equality/

Christianity-specific

• http://believeoutloud.com/ • http://www.gaychristian.net/ • http://www.gaychurch.org/ • http://www.welcomingresources.org/

Islam-specific

• http://www.muslimalliance.org/ • http://www.imaan.org.uk/ • http://theinnercircle.org.za/ • http://mpvusa.org/ • http://www.well.com/user/queerjhd/

Judaism-specific

• http://www.keshetonline.org/ • http://www.nehirim.org/ • http://www.jqinternational.org/resources/jewish-lgbt-organizations/

Self-Injury

• http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm • http://www.siriusproject.org/alternatives.htm • http://everyoneisgay.com/self-harm/ • http://www.safe-alternatives.com

Sexual Health

• http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ • http://www.scarleteen.com/ • http://www.sexetc.org/ • http://www.aids.gov/ • http://youngwomenshealth.org/ • http://www.youngmenshealthsite.org/ • http://cdn0.genderedintelligence.co.uk/2012/11/17/17-14-04-GI-sexual-health-booklet.pdf • National Abortion Federation Hotline: 1-800-772-9100

Suicide

• http://www.afsp.org/ • http://www.save.org/ • http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ • http://www.befrienders.org/

Substance Abuse

• http://www.samhsa.gov/ • http://www.drugabuse.gov/ • http://www.ihra.net/what-is-harm-reduction

TRANS* AND GENDER  IDENTITY

Gender Identity

• http://genderqueerid.com/ • https://www.genderspectrum.org/ • http://www.thegenderbook.com/

Intersex

• http://inter-actyouth.tumblr.com/ • http://oiiinternational.com/ • http://www.apa.org/topics/intersx.html#whatdoes

Trans*

• http://transstudent.tumblr.com/ • http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177 • http://www.imatyfa.org/ • http://www.wpath.org/

PLEASE REBLOG

source: The Trevor Project

There are many many good posts out there about safewords. What they are, types of safewords, how to use them, when to use them. 

This is not one of those posts. 

Because for all of the beauty of safewords, the concept has a flaw. It’s not because safewords don’t work, or they aren’t useful. They absolutely 100% are. I would never recommend playing without one, especially for people with not much experience in BDSM activities. 

It’s that some people use a lack of a safeword as an excuse when they harm someone. And we aren’t talking about that enough.

A safeword when properly used in typical BDSM play is a safety valve. It’s an emergency stop feature that communicates unambiguously the intent to end a scene. Or at least, that something really big needs to change or things are going to go south. And fast. But unless you have explicitly negotiated ahead of time that a safeword is going to be your only form of communication it should never, ever, be the only method to stop a scene. 

It’s like a fire alarm. 

If you’re in a burning building and you see flames and you smell smoke you don’t go “Oh, well, the fire alarm didn’t go off, guess there must not be a fire!” Right? Because that would be pretty stupid, and you’d probably end up dead. Instead, you should be checking for other signs of a fire and preferably getting the hell out of that situation. A fire alarm is simply a tool to make it easier to tell something is wrong and you need to evacuate. Same thing with a safeword. 

If a scene is going wrong and a bottom is flinching, avoiding eye contact, or stops reacting to stimulus at all, you should never go “Oh, well, they never used their safeword, so I guess this must be okay.” WRONG. Unless you are doing some prenegotiated no-limits, CNC type shit, ANY significant and unusual or distressing change should warrant a check-in. You don’t need to stop the scene. But you should be looking for other signs of a fire, and if you need to get out of this situation. And maybe everything is okay. But the point is you should still check in. Because at best, you’re risking loss of valuable feedback as a Dom. At worst, you’ve crossed someone’s boundaries (communicated prior or not) and are now actively harming them. 

A safeword should not be an excuse for lazy, passive Dominance. Scenes should be negotiated under the hope of creating a mutually beneficial experience. Not merely just letting the Dominant do whatever the heck they want up until the submissive or bottom finally eeks out their safeword as a last resort to stop the agony. Dominants should always be attentive, mindful and focused during scenes. After all, they are literally putting that bottom at risk in both life and limb. Shouldn’t we expect more?

I think there are many factors in the community that contribute to this mindset that makes it extremely difficult to actually rely on safewords as the sole form of communication. Let’s discuss those:

1. We Put Safewords on a Pedestal: We treat safewords like the “in case of emergencies only” hatchet behind a thick pane of glass. As a culture in general, we don’t encourage liberal use of safewords. Needing to resort to a safeword is seen as shameful, and damning for both bottom and top in that scene. And so, many bottoms believe they are only allowed to use safewords when things are really really bad. Low blood sugar? Tingly toes? Allergies? Tolerance getting low? Suck it up. And by the time things get to that really really bad place, many are no longer in a mental state to even communicate at all.

2. Competitiveness: We love having submissives compete with each other. Who can take the most canes, who can do the hardest suspension, and who can stand to kneel on the rice for the longest amount of time. A submissive who is competitive and has a desire to please will often put beating “the competition” above their own physical safety so they can feel like a good sub. To do anything less is failure. 

3. Fear of Disappointment and Abandonment: This is certainly not true of all subs, but many have a fear of being a disappointment or being a abandoned. This leads to a submissive not using  a safeword, because having an abrupt end to the scene can leave the sub feeling like they have let their partner down. Or worse, it activates the fear that the Dominant will abandon them. This is particularly true in power exchange relationships with a high level of authority transfer but a low level of existing trust. To use a safeword is to put the existing relationship itself on the line, and risks changing the relationship to the core. Rational? Maybe not. But we certainly don’t do enough to absolve this fear or address why it exists. And fear is often powerful enough to keep people silent.

4. Altered States of Consciousness: New submissives are particularly vulnerable to this. Whether it be getting lost in a primal, little or animal headspace, sinking into subspace, or being so overcome by fear your body freezes, BDSM can bring out many unique and complicated states of mind. If a submissive is not operating a fully functional brain, let alone potentially not having access to verbal function at all, how are they going to communicate a safeword? Even when they really need to? It’s entirely possible someone in a deep in an altered state of consciousness may forget who or where they are, let alone remember they have a specific fancy word to use to get out!

5. We Don’t Practice Safewords: Let’s say you have been doing BDSM for 10 years. In all that time, you have had the fortune to never need a safeword before. Then, one night with a new partner, something goes wrong. How likely are you going to be able to evaluate correctly that you need it, or when, or even know how to say it? It’s like a fire drill. You can talk all you want about where the evacuation spot is, and what route to use, but unless you have regularly practiced using the route before, you are liable to forget it in a panic situation. Even submissives with a decade of experience can blank out and forget their safeword in a crisis.

6. Daddy Knows Best: This one is the most insidious of the bunch. For new submissives especially, they can be cowed into believing that the Dominant should have the final say and to trust them completely. Negotiated or not. This leads to unscrupulous (or just inexperienced) Dominants functionally using their relationship authority to dictate a submissive’s limits for them. It removes the submissive’s ability to fairly judge for themselves if and when they need to safeword. Or if they are allowed to. Imagine a situation where a submissive is new, and has a hard limit around canes. Then Daddy brings out the cane. By quieting the protests with a “Daddy Knows Best” and or a “Why Don’t You Trust Me?”, a Dominant can cut off a submissive from feeling safe from using their safewords. A Dominant should always be aware of the power and influence they have over a submissive’s psyche. It is very hard to say no to someone who you respect, who is older or more experienced, or who pays your bills – and a safeword is often subconsciously viewed as a “no” to that activity. Add power exchange to that on top, and you’ve got quite a mountain to climb. 

…. and I am sure many many other factors too. There are so many to list. 

Point being, a safeword is a tool. But a complicated one – and only as good as the people using it. Human emotions, fears, and desires all intertwine to make “simple” communication very complicated. And until we can unpack some of the baggage we have lying around about using them, safewords will never be the only way to effectively communicate in a scene. And unless you have negotiated otherwise, plain English communication and body language should always be monitored for other signs things are going wrong. 

To try and hide behind “but they didn’t safeword!” as a defense when someone is harmed by a scene is weak, and shows a lack of understanding of how hard communication can be when endorphins are flying. Responsible partners look at actions and reactions, not just words. 

Stay Safe, 

Evie

Manifesto, or Why I Hiatus

It should probably come as no surprise that as I reach the cusp of a Tumblr Milestone (10,000 followers), I have also received a pointed condemnation of my work.

I know I shouldn’t give a shit: after all, no one pays me for this and supposedly I do it as a community service (and as a hobby … whoohooo!). Still, the supposition that I am encouraging - or participating in - abuse is so vile and so stinging that I have no option but to declare myself a decent man, just in case others have been assuming the same thing: that I somehow tacitly or specifically support abuse. 

Further, it compels me to outline some thoughts on porn and passion and personal choice (mine and yours).

Starting from what I always hoped was obvious, but clearly was not to some, I do not condone abuse, violence, coercion, pedophilia, rape, suffering, pain or any other form of illegal and atrocious behavior.

Period.

Full stop.

This was a photo taken of me at Manchester Pride 2016.

I saw a young girl as I was walking in the parade. She didn’t look very happy, and I wanted to brighten her day.

I went over to her and dropped down on one knee and asked her if she would like a flower. She smiled at me and took the flower. I told her she was beautiful, and continued marching in the parade.

I later found out the moment had been captured on camera, and was told that the little girl had been there for the duration of the Parade, having spasms and being generally uncomfortable. I was told that after this, she smiled for a good half an hour.

Copied and shared from Justin StClair.