Feral Barking Pigeon

Mental health beating my ass chat ngl, I’ve agreed to therapy and I’ve tried it in the past but telling some millennial fuck my problems and personal issues is not my forte—nor do I enjoy it and it makes me want to rip my skin off. I can only apply for in-home therapy which is horrible because it’s practically joining the only place I feel comfortable and safe, with an environment and situation that makes me mad uncomfortable and disgusted with myself. Ik I got mostly irls as mutual and like no followers (which frankly I’m happy for) I gotta say my peace somewhere where I can keep it separate from personal messages so I don’t have to see the consequences of opening up every time we text. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin and genuinely I don’t want to come out like most teens, but they won’t sign me for anything and I really just want to feel accepted and respected in my own home until I move out and ghost my bloodline. It’s hard to have that stuff—even though it’s not even that bad because my mom said she would love me no matter what the last time I suggested me being gay—on top of feeling like the world is caving in and nobody is going to care to save me. I don’t feel accepted, I don’t feel comfortable, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate crying, I hate waking up and thinking about myself, I hate schooling, I hate teachers, I hate guidance counselors, I hate everything man—and I don’t think I can stop, and it scares me that I might accidentally push my friends away. I cry a lot for a guy, I feel weak and helpless, I have a boyfriend yes but I hate him touching me because I’m disgusted by myself and I hate feeling my skin and the shape of my body when we hug or cuddle. I’m so fucking selfish and I swear I can’t get enough of anything, I’m so scared I’ll just keep taking and taking until there’s nothing left and I’m left unsatisfied with everything the world could give. I’m scared of dying but it’s so hard not to wonder if it’s more peaceful or whatever. I’ll never be what I want to be and I know it, because the only way I could be that, is if I was dead and in someone else’s body—a more confident guy who’s like jacked or something idk man, idk what I even want. I just know I need something. I hate physical touch, it makes my skin crawl and burn, nobody believes me nor do they respect my boundary, I just stopped setting them, I feel like nobody listens when I know that my friends do and they accept me and shit or whatever the fuck. There’s something wrong with me and I think it’s my brain because every bad thing was my fault and I wish I was joking. I stopped going to school for most of the year because I just couldn’t face seeing people and people seeing me and my body—I felt huge compared to most of the other guys there on my first day, I broke down and cried and refused to go on the second day of school, I had cps open my case again, my room was full of trash, dishes, rotting food, you name it. I was called an attention seeker once for opening up in class by a kid named August, if he wanted to know the fucking truth then I’ll air it out for whoever wants to see. I was comfortable not taking showers for months because I didn’t want to touch or see my body, I would stay in bed and only leave for food at night so my family wouldn’t have to see me, I only left during the day for pissing and such. Plates and stuff stacked up while most of my stuff was on the ground and in shambles, I’d wear the same clothes for months and I wouldn’t brush my lengthening hair that tangled an knotted from neglect and grease. Bugs were everywhere. I used to and still avoid mirrors and cameras, I hate seeing myself or old pictures of myself, I hate myself and every aspect of me—I think I asked a friend to delete all my pictures once and they said no so I just came to terms with knowing I’d be shown my face unprompted—they have the gc background as my face and I hate it I want to die so fucking bad bro I can’t anymore I fucking hate it all I just want some fucking peace I really fucking can’t with this all. I need to eat. I’m sorry.