lynx;

tbh

it's tiring. to be on the end of understanding. to be on the more patient side. to be the one who waits, because i don't want to cause any more chaos. but i keep on going. but this heart keeps holding on. not because it's dumb, not because it's naive.

but because it loves. and sometimes, that love is enough to fight again.

sa totoo lang, mahirap na ikaw 'yung laging umiintindi muna when there's anger, pain and doubts. that for now, i can't deal with these emotions just yet, because that's not what the situation needs. i deserve the peace, the clarity, the happiness. and i can't wait to be on that receiving end. na ako naman 'yung kilala, nakakausap, legal.

ako - na nandito all along. na nandito for all these years. na sumasalo at may alam ng sorrows. na totoong nagmamahal at minamahal.

kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko nang mag-rage. kausapin 'yung tanginang witch to just fcking stop. kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko nang ipakilala 'yung sarili ko kela tita at ako 'yung kumausap sa kanila. kung ako lang, gustong-gusto ko na 'to matapos lahat at magmahal nang malaya, yung deserve ko.

pero hindi lang ako 'yung kailangan kong isipin. i also need to think about you, fck, even her, and your family. if i wasn't born a warrior and a fighter, i wouldn't be able to endure this much but oh, God, i can't wait to be showered with a love so true that it can conquer all fears. a love that can also endure the hard things for my comfort.

Hey, you.

i wanted to list my thoughts down but i feel like they are all intertwined and it has been weeks since i tried to entangle them here in my blog but i fail to do so each time. but today, i wanted to identify them all.

am i happy? i am. genuinely happy? i am. am i afraid? i am. am i doubtful? i am. am i having a hard time? i am. but to ask again, am i happy? to answer this again, i am. crazy how it all sounds and yet how it also makes sense in my heart - of how happiness can coexist with fear, doubts, and hardships. of how i can be genuinely happy while i battle out the struggles. and i guess, these feelings make me human.

lately, i can feel the spike of love, and i sometimes wonder if this is accompanied with fear; are the efforts wrapped with terror of losing me again? the doubts and what-if's sometimes do visit, especially on times when i would remember that i am still not free, that we are still not free.

again, i am happy, to the point where i feel like i am being loved more than when we were still in our own little world. i feel like i am being seen and understood more. and i wanted to stay in this state of euphoria until were grey.

but as mentioned, the hardships are still here. and we've got such a long way to go. would you have much patience with you as i navigate trust again? i needed to rebuild it. i needed to trust that i am the only choice. i needed to trust that i am not the only one who wants this future together. i needed to trust that there's nothing happening behind my back. would you be able to stand through that?

would you be able to endure courting me and my loved ones? i wanted to be pursued not because of the chasing game, but because i want you to prove your intentions with me, with us.

would you be able to grow and heal for the better? not for me, not for us, but for yourself, too. i want you to be the best version of yourself and i'm going to be there for you as you go through it. we're going to get through it.

i appreciate all of the efforts you put in to make me feel loved. but most especially, i appreciate the way you try to open up your heart and mind whenever we have our talks. i know it isn't easy because it's hard for me, too, but i love it when you try. i love it when you speak your truth. please don't be afraid to pour them out to me. i'm here. i'll listen.