The Letter
It has been more than a year when I decided to quit pursuing Masters. I was supposed to write myself a letter about why I decided to do it and that I should make it as transparent as I can, without being too biased on a certain thought. I believed that it would give me closure and that it would act as a reminder to myself about why I did it and why it was the right decision. The motivation to remind myself that it was indeed the right decision made me realize in time that it could not be as unbiased and transparent as I planned it to be as I was having fresh whirlwinds of emotions and thoughts going on my head during the time. That and a little bit of ‘I’ll do that later’ tendency became the main reasons why finishing this letter got delayed. I got motivated again to have this done because of another letter that I want to do, and I just feel that I need to finish publishing this one first before I even start with the other one.
This letter was supposed to be addressed to myself and make it seem that I was talking to myself, but it ended up being in a form of telling a story and explaining my thoughts to anyone who may stumble into reading this. Nevertheless, a message is still being delivered and for that, I will be keeping the title.
I believe it was the first or second week of August 2017 when I started my Master’s Degree in Mathematics journey and quickly ended it. I remember completing the requirements for admission and feeling confident but a bit unsure of the path that I was starting to embark on. Also, I was trying to balance going back to classes again and completing my K-Pop dance class graduation requirement in Taguig. One night, after a couple of class meetings, my head went all over the place. I remember being in Arne’s dorm trying to do required/suggested readings and answer some exercises. That’s when it hit me – a huge panic. My brain cannot wrap the concepts around my head. And the thing with Math is that if you don’t get a part of what the book is saying (take note, we were just in the intro part of the subject, which are supposed to be basic concepts), then you’re screwed because those concepts are going to be used as “basic guidelines” for the following lessons. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get it. I believe I even searched for better explanations of these concepts using my phone’s internet, but I couldn’t find any good ones that can help me. I felt so defeated and started formulating different scenarios in my head about how to get out of the situation, some of which involves self-harm. A sane part of me recognized these trains of thought to be a sign, that if I’m getting serious about doing these things, then it’s not going to be good to continue, at least for now. So, I called my sister and mom to inform them about my plan to quit. I was crying.
Maybe this is just an excuse. Maybe I was just feeling a bit lonely or pressured. Maybe I could have asked help from my professors first, but I just had so much pride and stubbornness. Maybe I couldn’t focus because of the K-Pop class requirement that I had not let go of. Maybe the list of reasons why I should continue is way longer than the list of reasons why I should quit. I don’t think we’ll ever know. But at least there are some things I’m sure of – I do not want to risk evolving to a state of harming myself and risking my sanity. It felt honest, comforting, and right during that time. After rightly processing my exit, a huge weight on my shoulders went off. A new one was added but it was more manageable.
This new weight was more about what the others would say regarding my decision. First in the list would be my Adviser. I informed her about my decision through a phone call. Again, I was crying. She felt “sayang” about the situation but she still respected my decision and I appreciate that till now. The rest of the list would be other professors, block mates and batchmates, and people within my academic organization. I do think sometimes that maybe they have and they will say pitiful and mocking words about me, specially the UPLB MASS faculties whom I owe a lot to, or maybe not. I had to shut select people off social media as a coping mechanism of picking myself up and moving forward. Right now, I’m slowly letting them in my feeds again. I just hadn’t had the guts to go and visit the university yet. I do feel sad when I see a post about Elbi as a home and whenever I hear the song “Bawat Daan” by Ebe Dancel. It is home. I do miss Elbi and hope that things will be ok once I go back to visit, but I just don’t feel like that is what it is going to be right now. I don’t think I would be comfortable. But hey, baby steps. I know one day I will. Tiwala.
I see it all as part of a process. Right now, I work in Accenture with amazing people. I am exploring this world of IT and I also keep myself open for other opportunities. This was definitely one thing that I didn’t let myself do before when all I wanted was to pursue masters. I didn’t open myself to other options but now I can appreciate the freedom of having it.
I am still young, and I know that I’m not getting younger. Do I have plans of going back? Not for now. I do accept the fact that this may change in the future. In present time, there are just things that I’m not capable of doing for now like handling the pressure that I feel from my professors, wrapping my mind around concepts that I find hard to understand, and facing the possibility of failing classes, failing my professors, and failing myself. Sometimes, what ifs pass by my head – what if I pursued masters somewhere else, or did not push for the scholarship, or I experienced failing when I was an undergrad so that I’ll know how it feels and I’ll be able to cope better? I do think about those but all of those are just water under the bridge now. Still, I’m lucky that I had the drive to move forward. I believe things will fall into place in God’s guidance and providence of peace as I take one step at a time.
