Taking Up the Whole Seat

My participation in the Women’s March was spur of the moment.  I hadn’t planned on it, but my friends assumed it as if there could be no question.  I was caught up in the plans and found myself downtown on a cold, rainy Saturday morning.  When I got there, it seemed obvious that I should be there, and that I would be doing this as long as necessary.

A local print shop was offering signs, stickers, and t-shirts for donation, and my friends snagged a couple for the march and one for the yard.  

(McCracken will not comply.)

I realized I wanted a better solution for the next march, and I knew there would be a next march and a next march and a next march.  A march for gender inclusivity.  A march for cultural diversity.  A march for science.  

What I needed was a sign I could customize.  And if I could break down the components to fit in a backpack, so much the better.  And in the interest of LEO-compliance, it should be free of wood and metal.  

I scoured Pinterest for a tutorial on such a thing, and came up snake eyes.  The Resistance is young.  So.  Here we are.

DIY Re-usable Protest Sign (’Cuz welcome to 2017.)

Components: 

Peel’n’Stick Whiteboard Paper

Dry-erase markers

A flat piece of cardboard 

Duct tape

A toilet paper roll

A lightsaber.  Yes, a freakin’ lightsaber.  A woman’s place is in the Resistance.

This stuff is amazing.  Measure enough to completely cover the message side of your sign, with some foldover for the edges.

The box my whiteboard paper roll and markers came in was just the right size for showing what democracy looks like.

Start removing the backing, but be patient and take it slow.  

Secure the fold over edge with some festive duct tape and cover a toilet paper roll with same.

Add your telescopic non-weaponized signpost.  (SH-WONNNNNG!)

Add a message and toss some markers in your backpack with your saber and a bottle of water (very important to stay hydrated.)  You are now prepared to exercise your First Amendment Right, regardless of what that day’s message needs to be.  

(This is an English phrase that translates roughly as “I’m as angry as I’ve ever been, and I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen next.”)

1. take out the trash

2. go to the gym

3.  keep washing your hair (yes, it still matters)

4. financially support PBS/NPR

5. be kind even when it is inconvenient

6. know that intellectual curiosity and generosity of spirit do not make you a bad person

7. resist reactionary vilification

8. seek to understand

9. give your time to the community

10. give blood

11. drink tea

12. surround yourself with art and music that inspire you

13. make art and music that inspire others

14. celebrate science, diversity, and culture

Star Trek Captains, in order of awesome: 

 Jean-Luc Picard, Enterprise (ST:TNG) 

Julius Valentine Baxter, Sisyphus (IST)

James Tiberius Kirk, Enterprise (Reboot franchise)

Kathryn Janeway, Voyager (ST:Voyager)

Benjamin Sisko, Saratoga/Defiant (ST:DS9)

Christopher Pike, Enterprise (ST:TOS)

James Tiberius Kirk, Enterprise (ST:TOS)

Lance Armstrong Alec Baldwin Justin Bieber Chevy Chase Andrew Dice Clay Dane Cook Hulk Hogan Jerry Lewis Lindsday Lohan Jeremy Piven Charlie Sheen OJ Simpson Brian Williams

I’d love to say I am immune to the marketing blitz of Big Cinnamon every autumn, but that would be a lie.  I’m the first white girl in line at Starbucks when they email me about the soft release of that year’s PSL, and I actively seek out all things “Pumpkin Spice.”  

The term itself is a misnomer, because very little of it has anything to do with Linus Van Pelt’s favorite squash.  It’s not about the pumpkin, it’s the spice.  

In truth, they’re not all winners.  Lookin’ at you, Oreo, with your alarmingly Yankee Candle-smelling cookie.  But many of them simply amp up their normal product with a mix of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, and allspice and call it done, and it’s effective. 

Last year I made a Pumpkin Spice Latte pie.  “Uh...isn’t that called a pumpkin pie?” you’re asking yourself.  No, Scooter.  Pay attention.  PSL Pie.  This year, I improved it by adding cream cheese, turning it into a PSL Cheesecake.  But I think it works best as a dip, rather than a pie.  

Simply...

...add Starbucks Instant Latte mix to vanilla pudding

...and blend in some cream cheese

...then chill and serve with fruit.

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE CHEESECAKE DIP

Ingredients: 

1 packet Starbucks VIA Instant Pumpkin Spice Latte

1 box instant vanilla pudding

1 3/4 cups cold milk

8 oz cream cheese, softened

Pumpkin Pie Spice to garnish

Directions: 

THIS IS LIGHTNING.  ^^^^^^

THIS IS LIGHTENING. ^^^^^

Dear Oreos,

I’m gonna need you to simmer down.  Please stop trying so hard.  I know sometimes it may seem like our relationship has grown stale, like a package left open during monsoons, but you need to relax. 

This has been the year of the novelty Oreo flavor.  Every six weeks, the shelves of my local cookietoreum are graced with a tiny package of newly exotic snackwiches.  Birthday cake.  Red Velvet.  S’mores.  Rice Krispie Treat. 

Here’s the thing though.  My palate is not that sophisticated.  I’ve tried all these flavors, and they’re all the same.  Generally, it’s a low bar anyway. If it tastes like a crunchy pile of sugar and grease, and goes smushy when dangled in a mug of milk, mission accomplished.  You had me at diabetes, Nabisco. 

When did we become so fearful of science?  Not since Galileo got thrown in a tower for accurately pointing out that we're not the center of the universe have science and logic been hailed as Enemy Number One. 

I could understand it if Big Science had done something really odious.  Like...if they unleashed armies of brainless zombies upon the landscape, or created a superintelligent force we couldn't control, or made big robots that eat old people's medicine for food.

But this is not Big Science.  This is:

People, science is AWESOME!  It lands rovers on Mars, it turns HIV into a manageable condition, it makes delicious, delicious beer.

If you need to look to popular culture to decide whether or not your personal choices should endanger the world at large, take your advice from these shiny guys, not someone who used to sleep with Jim Carrey on the reg.  

Last year, the race and ethnicity of Santa Claus turned into a minor kerfuffle on a slow news day.  Fox News, never an entity to be burdened by facts, posited that the Man with the Bag is clearly, safely, and obviously white.  

Except those pesky facts won’t just disappear.  St. Nicholas was a third century Bishop in Turkey.  So...Santa is in fact Middle Eastern.

Well, that won’t do at all.  

So let’s look to legend.  Clement Clarke Moore famously referred to Father Christmas as “a right jolly old elf.”  Elves are supernatural beings rooted in Norse mythology.  That brings us back to Santa being white.  Specifically, a viking god-like creature.  That should make the Lutherans happy.

(If this is Santa, he can slide down my chimney anytime.)

But if Santa is a Middle Eastern Viking, where do we get all the Coke-swilling imagery we’ve come to know and demand at malls across the country?  We can thank Thomas Nast for that.  

Nast was a German-born editorial cartoonist who hated politicians and the Irish.  He created the pre-diabetic tubbo with the white whiskers and penchant for indulgence.  

In modern imagery, he most closely resembles Grateful Dead front man Jerry Garcia.  

That would make Santa...Latino.

Halloween requires some serious forethought and planning.  Gone are the days when you could just grab a bag of random sugar lumps at the drugstore or whip some homemade confection to ward off the pint-sized spirits of the neighborhood.  Tainted popcorn balls and razor apples ruined that for all of us, with Type 2 Diabetes batting cleanup.  More than that, your offering sends a clear message to the local kids.  This handy guide helps you make sure the Great Pumpkin finds nothing but sincerity in your patch.

Twix: You bought precisely two bags, and when they’re gone, your lights are out and you’re off to get blotto.

Kit Kat: You bought two types of candy: one to give out, one to munch.  This one got into the wrong bucket.

Candy corn: You were willed a stash during the Clinton Administration, and you can’t get rid of it.

Smarties: You observe the Oxford Comma.

Dots: “Egg my house; I like it.”

Full size bars: You are either Mister Rogers or Santa Claus.

Starburst/Skittles: You like children in theory, but have never seen one in the wild.

Palmer’s: You do all your shopping at the 99 Cent Store.  You’ll absent mindedly hand these out while enjoying a Genuine Reddish-Style Wine Beverage.

Pencils: You only feed your child organic kale.

Toothbrushes: You named your child Organic Kale.

Starlight Mints: You actively hate children.

Pixy Stix: You are a close personal friend of Andy Warhol/Bret Easton Ellis.

Temporary Tattoos: You have your own account rep at www.unnecessaryplasticobjects.com

Mexican candy: What, all out of broken glass and shattered dreams, Ichabod? Unless you are actually Mexican, in which case, Feliz Dia de los Muertos!