Long be your suffering, Joyous be your pain

I'm trying but it's so goddamn hard, I'm so fucking scared

I'm not struggling, not like everyone else seems to be

I've got support from friends, my girlfriend, even some of my family

But I just can't do it

I can't do it by myself but there's nobody who can carry me either

And it feels selfish and awful because I'm just being a coward, I'm failing despite having all these things that other women deserve more than I do

I'm just so fucking scared

yeah no me too. there's nothing selfish about being scared to come out of the closet, I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way.

it's okay to be scared, that's a reasonable thing to be afraid of, but it's worth it. I live in Florida and I don't talk to my parents anymore and everyone treats me differently now, I think I've paid a higher than average price for transition? but it's still worth it.

I could give you some gentle persuasion but I'm sure you know it already, so I'll be real with you:

I love it so much that I'm willing to consciously risk dying for it. do you have anything that you're willing to do that for?

would you like to?

you're not a coward, you've been burdened with greatness. that's an awful thing, I'm sorry.

can you really just keep pretending to be a man? can you find your teeth? can you grit your tongue against them as you say, "death before detransition"?

the awful truth is that you can be great. it will be hard but you can. it would be easier if you were bound to fail, but you're not.

the thing that haunts you is that you can do it.

transition is a lifelong process, but it's also a decision. right now, today, as you read this, I'm forcing you to choose:

I'm TME but it just really breaks my heart because part of being a cis woman is honestly very frequently getting to feel like at least with other women your experiences will be received with space and kindness and empathy. not just knowing it intellectually but believing it somatically. and it is just very... harrowing and tragic and heartbreaking to see how many trans girls feel like the horrible things they suffered are things they have to apologize for and mitigate and minimize even here.

I spend most of my time with other trans women for a reason, but I desperately wish I felt like a real person around the other 99.5% of the population. I can fill my social circle with trans women, but that doesn't solve everything. it doesn't change the world beyond my social circle, the world I wish I could step out into and feel remotely welcome in. and even among other trans women, the outside world seeps in heavily. it is the world we all come from and live in, after all. we cannot escape it

and frankly, I deeply love the TME friends in my life and I feel desperate to claw down the walls between us and be understood by them the way I feel so easily and effortlessly understood by the trans women in my life