So, Cheeseburger died on November 21st after an unfairly short battle with an unfairly rare cancer that is rarely seen in cats. I only got to spend a month with him after his diagnosis, and losing him has been the greatest heartbreak of my entire life so far. He was my best friend and my soul cat, and he was there for me when I was completely alone, for twelve long years.
I made this transparent PNG the night he died in preparation for one of the many ways I was going to memorialize him--a surface rug in his likeness that I planned on laying directly in the line of his favourite sunbeam. And I uploaded that PNG here, because this is the website where people post their cats.
I was not expecting the reception I got. Many people have pointed out that this post has more reblogs than likes, and how insane that is in 2025 when reblog culture is at an all time low. I didn't even talk about the fact that Burger passed away in the original post, it wasn't a tearjerker reblog bait or anything like that. People just loved Burger that much, in the same way I fell in love with him at first sight. He was such an ugly kitten.
Anyways, it's really special to me that so many people have reblogged my best friend. I made this PNG to memorialize him in a completely different way, and you all wound up doing just that in ways I never even imagined.
Thank you. Wherever he is, I know the sun is shining.
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The common take seems to be that Shane's sin in TLG is not paying enough attention to Ilya or caring about hockey too much but I disagree. I do think Shane isn't being a great partner but it's more about him believing that Ilya truly doesn't give a shit about the losses in Ottawa and getting jealous over Troy when Ilya is trying to build a support system.
I think the thing is Ilya presented this persona for so long, this hyper-confident, hyper-sexual winner. A guy who doesn't get lonely, doesn't feel insecure, and doesn't need comfort and care. And Shane bought into that! We see it in HR where Ilya's fishing for compliments because Shane never compliments him (he thinks his attraction to Ilya goes unstated, and Ilya knows how hot he is, right?)
Shane is genuinely shocked by how lonely and sad Ilya is because he has never imagined Ilya that way. I think it's important to remember they've known each other for over a decade. A decade of Shane watching Ilya front for the cameras, a decade of them circling each other trying not to slip up and reveal too much. Vulnerability is a foreign language in this relationship.
To me the relationship sin in TLG is that they both start to have deeply misaligned views of the other. Shane's imagining Ilya as having a blast in Ottawa with his cool new team, hosting parties and going to gay bars with Troy fucking Barrett, the asshole who's been giving him shit on the ice for years. He's imagining that Ilya doesn't give a fuck about hockey anymore, the thing that always tied the two of them together. Meanwhile Ilya is imagining Shane as only caring about hockey, to the point that he'd cut Ilya loose if it was convenient for him. He's imagining Shane as this almost Machiavellian figure who's arranged his neat and perfect life and Ilya is just this piece that doesn't fit. He's imagining he's about twenty times more in love with Shane than Shane is with him.
There is a photo deep in the Centaurs media reel archives from a community day thing where baby Shane (7) is running away from Chuck the Beaver and being “protected” by the then-Captain of the Centaurs.
Harris finds it while combing through the archives for fun comparisons to the current team.
Instantly posts it with a picture of Ilya pulling Shane away from a fight single handed, and with the photo from Shane and Scott’s post-game fight when he was a Metro.
“It only takes one Ottawa Centaur to keep national treasure Shane Hollander safe. How many Metros does it take to stop gay on gay crime???”
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shayden truther in the way that I think shane always thought haydens cute and had a little crush on him forever but will always view them as slightly codependent best friends and nothing more meanwhile hayden is genuinely absolutely head over heels in love with shane but he got married so quick and so young way before he could ever process his gay feelings and even if he left jackie it would be fruitless because shanes in love with ilya and would never leave ilya for hayden. and so hayden keeps his feelings buried meanwhile the heartbreak chips away at soul and his jealousy towards rozanov slowly kills him forever and ever
May I add Ilya realizing their dynamic (at least Hayden's head over heels feelings) very early in their relationship (pre cottage even).
For a while, the idea of Hayden being in love with Shane fills Ilya with a seething rage. Even worse, noticing how Shane talks about Hayden makes Ilya realize that Shane had / has a crush on his best friend fills him with anxiety about Shane ending whatever they have going on to pursue his best friend. Bile coats his throat at the thought of Hayden leaving Jackie to be with Shane, which also angers him because who wouldn't want to be with Shane but after seeing and getting to know Jackie (obviously she's beautiful so he understands why Pike married her) and he sees just how amazing of a person she is the greed of it all sickens Ilya.
And their kids too.... How could Hayden be potentially willing to walk out on his family, or would he try to keep Shane and Jackie for himself without the other knowing? I think deep down Ilya knows that this would never happen. Hayden loves his children and does genuinely adore Jackie in every possible way, but the complete attention he gives to an oblivious (mostly) Shane as he answers press questions next to him transcend a teammate's admiration or best friend's support. It does not go missed by Ilya, and the pangs of jealousy Ilya feels never cease to exist because while Hayden can openly express his affection for his friend under the guise of just that, friendship, he has to call his Shane (yes, His Shane) "Hollander" with a mirthful smirk, or a slam against the boards, or a chirp of some sort. Yes it's part of their foreplay and winds them up, but Ilya would give almost anything to be able to stand next to Shane during a press conference and smile openly while his boyfriend? dissects the weak spots of the other team.
So maybe his chirps towards Pike are personal, and he goes a bit further to get under Hayden's skin, even more than Scott Hunter. A barb that's a little too sharp, a chirp that has more teeth than playful tone. It only becomes harder when him and Shane are officially together, and Shane is desperate for the most important people in his life to get along with each other. It genuinely upsets Shane to see Hayden and Ilya not get along, and it upsets Ilya to know that it's (mostly) his fault.
Eventually, probably with the help of Galina and copious amounts of therapy, Ilya realizes how it might be just as agonizing for Hayden to see Ilya with Shane now as it has been for Ilya to have seen Shane with Hayden after all these years. Especially once Hayden realizes that Ilya has known Shane for just as long (if not longer) than Pike has known him, and that he never really stood a chance to figure it out before he married Jackie. And Shane is his.
So he offers to babysit more with and without Hollander, because he does adore Jackie and their ever growing clan of children, and he misses his niece too so it's good for him to be around the younger Pikes. I don't think they ever have a conversation about it, but Ilya catches Hayden one night staring at Shane from across the family dinner table and just shoots him a look. That's it, no blow up, no more jealousy, just understanding and a sharing of momentary uncomfortable silence that goes unnoticed by everyone else but Jackie (and maybe David). Ilya still chirps Pike after this, but there's no real bite behind it, it matches the banter of his teammates, all light hearted. Why twist the knife further when Ilya is the one getting to marry the best person and hockey player in the world while his best friend watches.
Maybe one day there's a big blow up, or the opposite, where they all three sit down one day and talk about it. Or maybe they don't ever all admit how much they know about the others feelings. But there is a slow acceptance and gradual friendship that grows between Ilya and Hayden, with a firm unspoken boundary that when it comes to Shane, it's all about his happiness. This, they can be on the same page for always.
Or alternatively, Ilya realizes and talks to Jackie, who talks to Hayden (bc really did she never not know) and Ilya and Shane invite him to be their third... Which either fixes everything or brings their carefully guarded balance crashing down.
I love Time travel fix-it fic but what if instead of Hollanov, Yuna goes back in time to fix their relationship. Just think about it. Yuna finding Ilya on draft day and saying he is really good and his mom would be proud of him. Forcing Shane and Ilya to spend time together. Giving Ilya her number so he should contact her about the brand deal.
She would do a lot and make their image so different from the beginning so they wouldn’t suffer like the first time. No one can stop Mama Hollander if she needs to protect her sons.
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shayden truther in the way that I think shane always thought haydens cute and had a little crush on him forever but will always view them as slightly codependent best friends and nothing more meanwhile hayden is genuinely absolutely head over heels in love with shane but he got married so quick and so young way before he could ever process his gay feelings and even if he left jackie it would be fruitless because shanes in love with ilya and would never leave ilya for hayden. and so hayden keeps his feelings buried meanwhile the heartbreak chips away at soul and his jealousy towards rozanov slowly kills him forever and ever
hi baby. I have this little prompt for you: Shane giving Ilya a massage. Do what you will with it. Loveya
hi my baby. okay. i can work with this easy.
so, it's the middle of shane and ilya's first year on the cens. over the summer ilya started taking antidepressants and its been a lot of trial and error re finding the right dose, the right drug, which side effects are tolerable and which ones are absolutely not acceptable. ilya's most recent trial of SSRIs was a combination of pervasive apathy and a complete and utter inability to get a hard on. even with shane beautiful and eager and wide eyed between his legs. soft cock on his tongue. not growing hard no matter how much ilya concentrated or how much he really liked to see shane on his knees. the apathy part is the main priority of his psychiatrist and galina and shane too -- shane is worried about his husband's lack of interest in running around with anya, the absence of his gentle bullying of the rookies and the almost vacant look in his eyes after a win, the lack of a witty retort when shane chirps him about something -- but to ilya the sex drive thing is his biggest concern. he knows his husband loves him for more than his body -- intellectually. like it's a fact but it's just not a fact that's clicking with him right now. his brain is murky and heavy. it is also a fact that sex is a big part of his relationship with his husband and he is worried about losing shane. he doesn't tell shane this, of course, not at first. at first he is explaining it to galina -- that the combination of feeling nothing when he's on the ice beside his husband scoring off a power-play and then nothing when he's in bed with his husband pressing down on top of him is making him want to quit SSRIs alltogether, infact he almost just quit cold turkey but the psych had been very firm about not doing that and ilya didn't want to jeoporadise the season over his stupid fucking brain -- and then upon her advice he discloses this to his psychiatrist. and he's moved onto a new drug slowly the following week.
it takes a fortnight for the new drug to entirely replace the old drug. a little bit of the fog has cleared. he actually laughs properly, genuinely, when holmberg falls asleep on the bus and the guys decide it'll be fun to douse him in shaving cream as he naps -- because the kid naps like the dead. when they win the next game and he scores off of an assist from his -- gorgeous, patient, perfect -- husband ilya smiles and feels it in his chest. something warm and happy glowing there. there's side effects with this drug too. like sweating. he's sweating more than he's ever sweat in his entire life. but he can feel things. and that kinda matters more than the sweating.
as the drug starts working ilya is adjusting the dose higher with his psych and feeling more and more like himself... almost. he still has shit days but his brain is functioning and he's present in the room and he loves playing with anya and bullying the rooks and sharing the ice with his husband and... there's just the issue of the sex... it's been a while. he's been too humiliated to try again. worried he'll get his husband's hopes up and go soft before things get started or just continue to be entirely unable to get it up in the first place. his desire to have sex is back though -- in bursts. he can feel heat prickle under his skin and want thrum through his fingers whenever he sees shane getting out of the shower -- shoulders damp and long hair sticking to his neck, cheeks flushed from the shower steam -- or whenever shane sits close to him, pressing their thighs together in front of the guys, subtle and lingering just for them but still exhilirating because he fucking didn't think he'd get this. but humiliation is never something he's felt in sex before, he's never been self-concious about his body in the bedroom. his dick has been failing him and so he hasn't tried it with shane since the new SSRIs started working.
so it's been a month and a half. six weeks of no sex.
he knows his playing is suffering for it. he knows shane's is too. he also knows his husband is giving him space and being patient and tolerant and not complaining because he doesn't want to bring up last time. (last time when ilya had sat for half an hour with his soft cock pressed to shane's tongue, his eyes screwed shut as he tried to make anything happen before pulling away harshly when shane, gentle and trying to be kind, had said "it's okay. maybe tonight's just not the night." and ilya had felt hot with embarrassment even as he'd manhandled his husband onto his stomach and fucked him on their favourite dildo. shane had cum. pretty and melty and gorgeous with his face pressed into the mattress. and ilya's dick had stayed soft against his thigh. when shane had caught sight of ilya's flaccid cock a look unreadable to even ilya had crossed his face. and that never happened. ilya could always read shane. and since then shane hadn't even tried to fuck him. barely gave him more than a tender, whispering kiss. instead, every night, they snuggled. which was nice. sure. it was nice. but ilya wanted to sink his teeth into his husband's shoulder and thread their fingers together and fuck into him all bruising and sharp and deep. wanted to kiss him until it ached in both their jaws and swallow each of shane's wonderful, breathy gasps. wanted to be close close close. because he fucking loves his husband. loves him so much. and that's how he knows best to show him. there are other ways too ofc but they'd always been best at communicating with their bodies. this SSRI bullshit felt like a particularly cruel joke upon his marriage and ilya was sick of it.)
they've been away for about ten days. on the road travelling the geography that makes up the Atlantic division. usually when they get home the first thing they do is pick up anya from the dog hotel and their meal service delivery from yuna and david's. this time shane has asked david to pick up anya and watch her for another couple days and gotten take-out delivered to the house so that when they're pulling up the food is there waiting for them. ilya is confused by the turn of events, by the break in their routine -- as routines are precious to his husband -- but he delights in the rare treat of thai take-out and sitting on the kitchen bench with shane stood between his legs, letting ilya feed him mouthfuls of laab gai and steamed brown rice. he kisses ilya between mouthfuls of food, brushing their noses together, fingers curled over the tops of ilya's thighs, scratching at the material of his sweats. ilya makes shane feed him pad see ew and shane even willingly eats desert. the little kanom krok pancakes that taste like coconut -- shane isn't the biggest fan of coconut but he tries a couple at ilya's insistence and ilya smiles big and dopey at his husband as shane screws his nose and declares "nope, still don't like coconut". when they kiss, shane tastes like sweet coconut and diet ginger ale. and ilya hums into it, mouth parting, tongue pressing past the seam of shane's lips. licking over his husband's tongue, the roof of his mouth, his teeth. his fingers find shane's hair and he's tugging him close and kiss kiss kissing him. something is turning in his belly, pulling down, and he shuffles a little at the sensation. gone for so long but not forgotten. but then shane is pulling back and pressing his big palms to the sides of ilya's face and stroking his thumbs tenderly beneath ilya's eyes and murmuring "i missed you" and ilya aches a little because he'd missed his husband too. even though they'd been together every day for months. they hadn't been easy and quiet like this -- the tension of ilya's struggle with his drugs and the pressure from the fans and media about their relationship always kinda there between them even as they dealt with both challenges together. the best they could. as a team.
shane is detangling their limbs then. stepping away from between the bracket of ilya's thighs and ilya is whining, pouting, frowning. he was so close to feeling something and he misses his husband so much that even if he can't get it up he really really really just wants to kiss him some more. but shane is tugging on his hand and dragging him upstairs and pushing him down onto his back on the mattress and telling him to just "relax, i will be back in a minute" and ilya is humming, spreading himself out on the comforter and wriggling out of his clothes -- again, because even if he can't get it up he wants to feel shane's skin against his own -- and waiting for shane who is puttering about in the bathroom with his hands clasped behind his head, trying to flex maybe just a little. shane comes back in with his t-shirt removed but his sweats still hanging low on his hips and a little bottle in his hands -- not lube, to ilya's dismay, but an unfamiliar green glass bottle with a little squirty top -- and a towel slung over his shoulder. shane is grinning when he sees ilya and says "well, i guess i don't have to ask you to undress" and ilya is waggling his brows as shane rolls his eyes and lays out the towel over the sheets -- it's one of the big ones, fluffy and wide and big enough for ilya to splay out over. which he does. shane nudges his over until he is on his stomach on the towel with his head pillowed on his arms. and ilya isn't asking what's happening. he's just intrigued. and then shane is sitting on top of him, on the backs of his thighs still with his sweats on, and then his big hands are pressing into ilya's lats, warm and calloused and drenched in sweetly smelling oil.
ilya shivers but as quickly as he is startling he is immediately settling into the feeling. the feeling of shane's fingers digging into the tense muscles in his neck, finding knots there and working them out, untangling the gripping parts of ilya that he'd been carrying around more and more lately. the heels of shane's big palms pressing into the mounds of his shoulderblades, digging in, releasing the tension caught between the his spine and ribcage. then shane's hands are going lower. kneading into the curve of his lower back, thumbs massaging into the aching muscles in his thighs, of his ass. shane is shuffling down, kneeling over ilya, carefully loosening the pains aching in ilya's legs. regular hockey pains. the season wearing on him maybe a little more than last year and the year before. shane is touching him everywhere. from his shoulders to his palms to the back of his neck and his scalp then down his back and ass and thighs to his calves. every inch of ilya slippery with delicately scented oil and burning with the pressure of shane's touch.
and he's hard. pressed between his stomach and the mattress, involuntarily rolling his hips when shane presses a thumb into the arch of his foot. digging his finger into something painful and erotic and pleasurable and overwhelming. ilya breaths through the sensation and releases an unmistakable moan, muffled where his face is pressed into the towel but heard all the same. he hears shane huff a little laugh behind him and then he's being gently guided to roll over. he goes easily because he feels like liquid and shane's hands are so warm. his husband smiles at him tenderly but then his gaze catches, his breath stalls, tongue darting out to wet his lip when he notices ilya is hard and pink and twitching. a sound escapes shane's throat -- low and needy -- and he is dropping down to push his face between ilya's pecs.
ilya is surprised his husband didn't go right for his cock but then shane is mumbling "i wasn't trying to make you hard" and ilya is swallowing, frowning, carding his fingers through shane's hair, tucking it behind his ears then gathering it in a fist and pulling, dragging shane's face up to look at him.
"you weren't?" he's asking and shane's shaking his head.
"just wanted to help you feel better, i know the antidepressants have been a lot," shane says, big eyes all dark and heavy as he looks at ilya. "it has been so nice to see you smile for real again. i missed you."
"so you weren't trying to seduce me?" ilya cocks an eyebrow and shane groans, blowing out a heavy breath through his nose.
"i may have looked at some stupid chick magazine that jackie had in the bathroom about erogenous zones and massages for blood flow and sexual stimulation but i swear i just wanted to make you feel good" shane frowns "i missed making your body feel good. and if i couldn't make you cum i thought i could..."
and ilya is breathing, heavy and ragged, one hand gripping tight at shane's hair, the other slipping over shane's cheek, his thumb tugging at the corner of shane's pink mouth. his husband had wanted to just touch him. touch him and make him feel good even if sex wasn't an option. even if ilya would continue to disappoint him. ilya is a little stupid with his wanting now. his hips shifting, pressing into shane's thigh. pressing his hard cock to shane's thigh.
"well, you made me feel good," ilya murmurs and shane is smiling, that easy, affectionate smile that always makes ilya a little breathless and he's saying "yeah?" and ilya is nodding nodding nodding. "wanna make me feel even better?" and shane is moaning, eyes fluttering shut, tugging against the hold ilya has on his hair. "yes" he is breathing and ilya is letting go, watching as shane shuffles down his body and presses his face into ilya's pubic hair, nuzzling close and breathing deep then pressing the tip of ilya's cock to his cheek. eyes shut like he's savouring the moment. "i will make you feel so good i promise" shane is murmuring and then he's taking ilya in his mouth and ilya is gripping at the edge of the towel and breathing through the pressure, the wetness, the warmth. and he fucking missed this so much and he feels something indescribably and unequivocally good which for a moment he'd thought he'd lost bc of his stupid fucking brain.
it still takes ilya a while to cum. even after so long without it. the drugs make it harder. but it happens. with shane on top of him. thighs bracketing ilya's hips, abdominals tensing and shuddering as he grinds on top of ilya, taking him in and riding ilya hard and dirty and deep. not letting up until ilya is cuming with a groan and a shuddering exhale.
when shane collapses on top of him, cum smearing between their shivering chests, ilya tucks his face into the side of shane's head and kisses kisses kisses over shane's temple, his ear, his cheek. everywhere he can reach. pressing tenderness all over. murmuring softly in russian 'i missed you i love you' and shane is humming, nodding, nuzzling back. returning in fumbling russian 'i missed you too i love you so much' as he tangles his fingers through ilya's curls and scratches at his scalp.
later, when they're cleaned up and snuggled in bed -- shane behind ilya, his feet tucked between ilya's calves pressing his cold toes to ilya's shins, his arms locked around ilya's waist and his face burried in the crook of ilya's neck -- ilya tells him -- facing away from him as he strokes his fingers over shane's hands where they overlap on his stomach -- that "i am sorry it took so long for me to find a drug that let's us fuck" and shane is shaking his head, kissing at ilya's nape. "i'm just glad you found one that makes you feel... well, like you can feel" and ilya is nodding. "would you have still loved me if i never got it up again?" and shane puffs a breath of air against his ear and laughs "yes, baby. i love you. and i love having sex with you. but i want you to be happy more than i want you to get hard or whatever" and ilya is arguing "getting hard makes me happy" and shane is biting his ear in response then kissing at his neck. "if this ever happens again can you promise not to stop touching me?" ilya asks, and feels vulnerable for it, but less terrified because he's speaking it into the dark and not into shane's face. shane's face in pressed into his skin, lashes brushing over the nape of his neck. thank god ilya can't see his face in that moment. "i didn't want to make you feel bad" shane explains "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have been so distant with you. i thought it was the right thing." and ilya hums and says "i probably should have just told you what i needed instead of making you guess" and he feels shane grinning against his skin "therapy has done wonders on you, rozanov. is that self-reflection i hear?" and ilya is rolling his eyes and huffing and burrowing back into shane's hold and ignoring as shane chuckles against his neck then settles, arm squeezing around his middle. "next time just tell me" shane says eventually, voice soft with near-sleep. and ilya says "there won't be a next time" and shane goes "mhm" and ilya sighs "but i will" and shane mumbles "thank you baby" and then he's tucking his nose behind ilya's ear and falling asleep. ilya sleeps easily after.
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stop tagging your heated rivalry bullshit with “game changer” im tryna look at gifsets of anna garcia beating up demi adejuyigbe while josh rueben fucks a sam reich mannequin in a baby carrier.
fucking CACKLING after thinking about how seeing ilya made shane's heartrate go down in the hospital because i'm imagining shane being out of it and mildly combative/confused/upset after something like getting his wisdom teeth taken out or something and really ONLY calming down with ilya right next to him, which is very sweet
except for the fact that it's now ilya's turn to be VERY nervous about what shane is going to say in front of his parents in a reversal of shane having about three heart attacks concurrently thinking he was going to have to hear ilya explain the concept of fuckbuddies during the dinner scene
because yes very sweet that shane wasn't listening to ANYONE about rinsing his mouth out until ilya said to do it, but shane's obedience is not limited to heeding medical instructions, and ilya is SWEATING about shane's drugged mind playing connect the dots with how much he likes ilya telling him to do things and deciding to start talking about it
(tags absolutely NECESSARY via @penandinkprincess) #ilya being a very sweet partner and holding a cup up for shane because there's some blood in his mouth after changing the gauze out#and telling him to spit#and shane who is in OUTER SPACE just half-smirking and ilya knows what's coming even before shane slurs out a#'that's not what you usually-' 'SHANE. THE BLOOD. SPIT THE BLOOD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.'#and there is no way for ilya to tell yuna and david to leave because their son is not audience aware rn#and really likes being bossed around in bed and is thus playing apples to apples in his head with instructions rn#ilya as shane's emotional support in this setting except man is fucking STRESSED#shane's straight chilling and feeling very pampered and safe with ilya#meanwhile ilya has the resting heartrate of someone being hunted for sport#yuna and david both <3 :) enjoying watching their son's partner prove he's a loving and supportive and gentle life partner#and meanwhile ilya is just fucking PRAYING that helping shane put gauze back in his mouth isn't making him think#about things he LIKES having in his mouth#(it is)#shane keeps spitting it back out because Texture Bad#and ilya (not thinking) is just 'stop doing this. i am going to get a bandana or something and you will look like a kidnapping victim.#is this what you want?'#and shane is just *big happy sparkly eyes* 'i mean i liked when you tied a belt ar-'#and ilya just 'NO'#thank GOD yuna and david were talking to the doctor at that moment#but now he can SEE shane thinking about it and being so happy in his memory#and ilya is sitting here listening to discharge instructions just thinking 'don't speak don't speak don't speak don't speak'#as hard as he can at shane
