Today was finally the day.

After a week of drafting speeches and practicing them in the mirror, Harua could finally get through his confession without feeling like he’d stumble through the words. 

His roommate, Taki, knew about his crush on you. The two were friends before getting to University after all, and were lucky enough to be able to share a dorm room just the two of them. Harua had trusted his eccentric friend enough to tell him, and ever since he had, Taki had been nothing short of supportive, acting as Harua’s hypeman and #1 teaser at the same time.

The day he’d asked you to come to the park on a walk was here. He planned to confess to you near the perfume of the flowers, and last minute jitters had gotten the better of him. So he made a decision he came to regret very quickly.

“I promise I’ll be good! I won’t bother you at all.”

He brought Taki along. For support. Taki could distract and annoy anyone into forgetting their problems, it was one of his best charms. But now, as the pair entered the park and Harua saw you standing near the entrance staring at your phone, he stood still.

You were beautiful. As always, with the way your hair shone in the light and the way your natural expression highlighted your lips and how your eyes lit up and you grinned so wide when you were excited. So beautiful the nerves bubbled up again. His breath hitched, enough for Taki to notice.

“Hey, don’t worry, she’ll like you back! You’ve been nice to her right? Girls like that!” 

That wouldn’t have been comforting even if his friend had a second’s worth of dating experience in his 21 years of life. ‘Girls like guys who are nice to them.’ Really. Harua could never have guessed. His friend was truly a revolutionary mind in the realm of dating. He rolled his eyes, both him and you still unmoving from your spots. You out of unknowing he’d arrived, and him out of fear of what was to come. The fear of your possible rejection.

The silence between the three of you and nothing happening got boring quickly. Harua wouldn’t move if no one did anything. So Taki took it upon himself.

He grinned like a maniac as he shoved Harua towards you. Harua stumbled and almost fell, sending an annoyed look to Taki. Taki simply flashed him two thumbs up and mouthed ‘good luck’ before walking away, leaving Harua to fend for himself.

He turned back to you and heaved a deep breath, then walked over to you and tapped your shoulder. You looked up from your phone and set it in your pocket. 

“Harua! You’re here! You didn’t text!” your voice was as bright as it always was, the tone making him melt inside as you grinned warmly.

“Y-yeah, um, sorry about that. You’re close to the entrance so… I found you easily.”

He grasped for another topic of conversation. “Were you waiting long? I didn’t mean to be late.”

You waved your hand at him. “Nah, I got here early. You’re fine. So, you wanted to take me for a walk in the park?” You spoke with a questioning air, like a cheeky detective. 

“Yeah. I want to catch up. It’s been a while…”

It had been. Since the past few weeks had been exam season, and the class Harua had met you in was a general class taken by people in different courses, you hadn’t been able to see him in around a month and a half. Texts were scarce too. Between the time spent studying, praying and sleeping on his desk, there wasn’t time beyond short pleasantries. It had wounded his chest to be so out of reach, but his mind had taken on the focus of his classes.

Now that exam season was over, he could see you again, and he texted at the first opportunity.

“Well, let’s get on with it then.” You called him to join you with your hand, and you fell into a nice pace. Conversation about commiserating over exams, plans for the break, and updates on life events, jobs and special interests flowed as smoothly as he could muster. You’d gotten tickets for an upcoming concert, he was going to visit his family for a few days, it was beautifully mundane. But perfect.

The path stretched on, gravel crunching under your shoes as a soft wind blew through the trees and swayed the leaves. Small bushels and rows of flowers grew alongside the section of the path you’d found yourselves on, a circle edging a large centre courtyard of grass and groups of trees commonly used for picnics for their shade. Up ahead there was a part where the path diverged, marked by a tall hedge akin to a wall. 

The perfume of the flowers reached Harua’s nose, and that was where he stopped, standing still silently while waiting for you to notice. It took a few steps, but eventually your sentence cut off. You turned and made your way back to him.

“Rua? Everything okay? Why’d you stop?”

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

He took a deep breath. Now is the time. He can’t wimp out or stutter his words. He just had to say them and hope you reciprocated. And if you didn’t, then he’d have to hope it wasn’t awkward enough to end your friendship. He started sweating a little and hoped you didn’t notice. 

“Well, um…” He cleared his throat. “We’ve known each other a while, and you’ve been an amazing friend-”

He cut off upon seeing something moving behind you, dead centre in his field of vision. The figure jumped out of the hedge to his right and launched into an exaggerated version of a swooning, blushing lady. One arm out to the side, perched daintily on thin air, the other rested on his forehead. His facial expression called to mind a dramatic speech made by a lady in old romantic comedies begging to keep her lover near, and he spun around on tiptoes like if a ballerina wore sneakers.

It was Taki. 

Taki who was being the same menace he always was, except now he was getting in the way of Harua’s confession. The one he’d spent weeks practicing and perfecting. 

“Harua? You stopped talking.”

Taki mimed a side-splitting giggle before running into the nearest grove of trees. Harua hoped his annoyance hadn’t shown on his face before returning to his confession.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry. Just got distracted. Anyway, you’ve been a really good friend to me and I really enjoy being around you.”

“I really enjoy being around you too!” You smiled brightly.

Harua tried not to blush. 

But not blushing soon became an easy endeavour when no sooner had he opened his mouth to continue, who should come bursting out the trees, kicking his feet up and strumming like he was playing an electric guitar.

Harua didn’t even have to look around to know other people at the park were staring in confusion at what Taki was doing, maybe the odd young child asking their parents why that man was acting so weird, but clearly he didn’t care. He just wanted to distract Harua from getting out the words he needed to in one coherent monologue

The extended silence between you and Harua grew as he failed not to show his annoyance this time. His eyes narrowed and he gritted his teeth, slowly moving his head to watch something behind you. But when you turned around, whatever he’d been so frustrated at was gone.

“Harua? Is everything okay?”

He broke out of his stupor. “Huh? Oh, yes. I’m fine. Just saw something odd. As I was saying, I really enjoy being around you, we always have so much fun and I was wondering-”

And his bastard of a roommate takes that moment to run out yet again. 

This time, he chose a medley of things to do. Over the top aegyo where he puffed out his cheeks and poked them, a failed attempt at breakdancing, thrusting his hips up like Vector from Despicable Me (which their mutual friend Maki had forced them to watch last movie night, claiming it was “a peak example of modern Western culture.” Harua still didn’t know what he meant) and finally, Taki intertwined his hands together and rested them under his chin while making exaggerated kissing gestures. All in the span of about ten seconds.

Harua had enough. He figured to just fuck it, rip the band aid off. 

“Would you go on a date with me?”

He was louder than he wanted, spurred on by sheer rage. 

Taki jumped up and down in excitement. “Yes!”

That led you to turn around in confusion. Ah. So this is why Harua had been so stop and start with what he had to say. You looked at the man, who you identified from photos as his roommate, Taki, jumping like a little kid with a wide grin on his face, very proud of himself.

Couple that with the murderous glare crossing Harua’s face, and you laughed.

That got Harua to stop glaring at his roommate and look at you incredulously. “You find him funny?”

You could barely speak through your giggles. “I find this situation funny. Why was he here?”

Harua turned sheepish. “I needed support.” He set his attention to Taki again. “But now, I’m gonna kill him.” 

He took one step towards Taki, who was dancing like a balloon man at a car dealership, before you stopped him. 

“Relax, you can kill him after we go on a date.”

Both men stopped still, a surprised expression on Harua and a gleeful one on Taki. Taki bent down and flung his arms out to point at his roommate, shouting “Yes!” over and over again. Harua, in contrast, contemplated if killing Taki in front of you would leave enough time for dessert. 

Instead, he shakily put his hand into yours. “Okay.” You smiled brightly, like you did so often when you spent time with him.

“See ya later, Taki! We’re going on a date!” You waved to him, and he waved back.

“See ya, y/n! Have fun!” 

crrrrk.

the sound of metal grating against plastic. your thumb pushes the plastic handle, and a thin, metal blade slides out, shining and glinting under the dim bedroom lights.

you bring the penknife to your wrist, your hands shaking from the adrenaline coursing through your veins.

"i hate you—.." you scream and threaten him, as you press the metal against your skin, cutting through the first layer of your skin. you hate him, you really do. you've been arguing with him for the past hour. or was it the past few days.. or perhaps the past week? you don't know anymore.

you're tired, exhausted. you hate nakakita yuma. he always makes you feel like this–.. always so anxious, and nervous and upset. and the worst part is you know deep down, that you could never really leave him. because you love him. you scream at him, hitting his chest. the fight is equal, as he backhands you across your face whenever you act up like this. this anger and unhappiness inside of you builds and aches inside of your ribcages, spilling out in liquid state at the corner of your eyes. "you make me wanna die."

yuma watches as you make the first slice on your delicate wrists, your fragile fingers quivering. the first droplets of fresh blood bloom from the cut, like red petals.

"you're fucking crazy," he accuses you, in that lazy, demeaning, rude tone that he always uses to piss you off. the one that makes your heart sink and pulse quicken in anger and despair. you grit your teeth together and curse him out. fuck you, nakakita…

"nobody will ever love you."

his words land painfully like a slap across your face. just like how he manhandles you when he's angry with you, the stinging feeling burning your body.

"but i do."

yuma steps closer behind you, his hand circling and reaching for your fingers.

"every. part. of. you." with emphasis on each word, he applies the tiniest amount of pressure onto your wrist. it hurts. you subconciously slacked against his hold, your knees and limbs. weakening. you let out an high pitched whimper of pain.

"you don't!" you scream at him, thrashing your body that's slowly draining of energy. you tried to move away from him. "you don't love me!"

"you think anyone else would stay?" his thumb gently rubs your trembling hands, soothing in a way that's so inconsistent to his actions.

"i hate you–…" you mustered out a petulant whisper, not sounding very convincing. you hated how your body responded. subconciously leaning against his warm, broad chest as you feel yourself growing weaker by the second. you're supposed to despise him for the way that he makes you feel. you're supposed to be disgusted and move away, but you couldn't.

"you know you don't," he snarls, letting out that mocking, condescending laugh. "i'm the only one that will love you like this."

his hands, larger than yours, still warm and steady, helps to dig the blade just a tad bit deeper. the scarlet blood that was drying up started to trickle down again. your face scrunches up in pain, the sharp ache making your toes curl.

he's right… and you hate the fact that he's right.

he's the only one that has seen all your sides, the good, the bad, the ugly. you at your best, and at your lowest.

anyone else would run away at the first chance. they would've thought that you were broken beyond repair, an absolute monstrosity. but not him. through the fights, and arguments, and no matter how unhappy he made you feel, one thing yuma never did was to abandon or leave you. the line between your love and hatred for yuma has become so thin to they point that they intersect, leaving you stranded in the middle, not knowing where does love really end and where hate really begins.

"enough– enough!" you scream, trying to break away from him. you couldn't anymore– the pain was immense, blurring your eyesight and numbing your body. he laughs, dropping your hand and letting the penknife drop to the floor with a loud, resounding clack.

"done?" he asks simply, like a bored parent waiting for their child to be done with throwing a tantrum. you nod weakly. the tear stains are already drying on your cheeks.

"my turn," you don't fight him as he kisses you deep and harshly, caging you against the bed. your hands rested weakly at your sides, the blood staining the bedsheets and blanket. you couldn't fight him even if you wanted to, you didn't have the strength left in your cold, limp body. "i'm the only one that's allowed to hurt you."

you don't have anything left in this world, except for yuma. no one else would hurt you, then hold you like this after you've broken down and shattered to pieces. he puts you back together with the same hands that breaks you apart. put back together like a beautiful masterpiece, then falling apart at the seams again and again, over, and over, and over, again, like a twisted creation, all for him.

you really, really hate him.

but you love him too.

wrote this because i relapsed earlier today.. ik, im not proud of relapsing.. i been goin through some things mentally recently.. saw this anon ask then i'm like okay... lemme give u something from this breakdown at least..! not romanticizing ts at all but yknow, i really wanna Cope this way (◞‸◟,)