lil timmy tim

Days passed by in a blur, you continued to see Ta’kan, despite everything inside you screaming about how wrong it was. Neteyam kept pushing you towards Ta’kan but you knew he was really just trying to push you away from him. That he wanted you to accept his death, and to stop going to the Cove of Ancestors. To stop visiting the Tree of Spirits. To stop seeing him. To move on. All Neteyam ever did was put his family's needs above his own, to be the best brother. The perfect son. The man who protects his yawne. If he had thought of himself more, he would be here. If he had put his foot down and told you to escape with Tsireya and Tuk, he would still be here. If you had escaped when he told you to, he wouldn’t have had to shield you from the gunfire. He wouldn’t have gotten shot. He would still be here. 

Lo’ak blames himself, but that’s because you never told anybody that Neteyam’s death was your fault. 

You know what he would say if you told him how you feel. You know he would tell you he’s not a prrnen, that he can make his own decisions. That you are not responsible for the choices he makes, but you know the truth. You know if you had listened then he wouldn’t have had to make the choice that led to his death. The bullet should’ve hit you instead. It haunts you. Every moment you’re with Ta’kan, with the Sully’s or alone on the beach. It even haunts your dreams. 

“No, yawne I need you to go with Tsireya and Tuk. Please, let us handle this. We will get Spider and I promise I will come back to you.” Neteyam urges, Lo’ak nervously glancing around the corner and waving for Neteyam to hurry. You wouldn’t budge, ever since the Sky People took you, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, and Tuk hostage he has been telling you to stay back. Stay at home. Stay where it’s safe, to let him handle it. 

“I thought we were a team! Your Father never tells your Mother to stay back. They fight together, as one. Are we not one?” You snap, looking into his eyes so he knows you mean it. 

“Of course we are, it’s just…it’s not safe.” He says again, desperation in his tone. You shake your head, stepping closer to him. 

“If you must go into gunfire, then I will go with you. We move, we breathe, we fight as one.” You snap before following Lo’ak into the ship. Neteyam has a sick feeling turning in his gut, but he follows you after Lo’ak anyway. 

Your dream changes, everything else passing by like memories flowing through water. When your vision clears again, you’re standing just before the moonpool, when you hear it. The explosive sound of bullets being fired in rapid succession. Your head whips to the wide, watching helplessly as a spray of bullets cut through the air towards you. You don’t move, you don’t scream, you don’t do anything. You accept your fate. If this is how it must end, then you can only hope that Neteyam is not watching. Time slows, your heart and breathing slow. You’re prepared to feel the pain of Sky Metal ripping through flesh. You’re ready. 

But then a flash of blue catches your eyes, and you hear his voice- and it feels like your gut drops heavy with lead. 

“No, Na’ari move!” 

It’s Neteyam. Before you can process anything you’re knocked into the water, reaching for him, watching with horror in your eyes as a bullet rips right through his center. There were hundreds of bullets, all missing their mark. All except one. Just one. One that was meant for you. Neteyam falls into the water, blood flowing like water out of him. His life force slipping away. Blood from his front, from his back, covering his hands as he struggles to keep his head above water. Blood rushes in your ears, you see his lips moving, you can’t hear him. You can’t hear anything other than the thundering of your heart as you suddenly find yourself on the rocks. Unsure how you got here. Blindly pulling Neteyam to shore, making sure he doesn’t hit his head. 

Your hands are reaching for him, cupping his cheeks. He’s gasping, coughing, choking on his blood as his skin pales. Jake and Neytiri sit at his sides, you’re kneeling next to Jake. Smoothing your hand over his hair. Neteyam looks over at you, wordless but he watches you with open eyes. 

“Paskalin-” His voice cuts out. His pupils blow wide. His last breath leaves his lungs. His skin begins to grey. You think you hear someone screaming but you can’t tell. His eyes are unblinking. He is unmoving. You still hear screaming. You only just realize it’s you that’s screaming. You feel lips against your head, it’s Jake. He tells you to wait here. You’re still screaming. Screaming as Lo’ak leaves you. Screaming blindly into the air, holding his hands. Pressing your ear to his chest even though you know his heart stopped. Screaming for Eywa to give him back, to take you instead. 

You wake with a start, a cold sweat running down your temples and your back as you throw yourself out of your nivi. Your heart is racing and your cheeks are wet with tears. You clutch your chest as a sob threatens to break through. You stumble out of the kelku and towards the shore. You’re trembling, shaking so violently you almost can’t walk. You collapse into the sand, crying into your palms until your throat burns and your lungs scream for air. 

“Bad dream?” You hear Lo’ak’s voice as he lowers himself to the sand next to you. You lean into his space as soon as he settles, your head against his shoulder as his head rests on yours. The tears are drying on your cheeks. You nod, watching Lo’ak begin to make a drawing in the sand. It’s of an Ikran. You recognize it, it’s Seze- Neteyam’s Ikran. You can tell it’s her by a very specific pattern on her nose. Your heart breaks again when you think of the grief she must be feeling. The confusion she must feel with Neteyam gone. He named her after Neytiri’s first Ikran, who bravely gave her life in the first major battle against the Sky People. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks softly, he can feel the shaking of your body subsiding. Can see the flow of tears stopping. Lo’ak made a promise to himself that day he finally got you out of your nivi. He promised himself that he would look after you the way Neteyam would. That he would make sure you eat, get out of the kelku, dry your tears. It’s his fault Neteyam cannot take care of you anymore. 

You’re silent. How can you tell Lo’ak it was you who took Neteyam? Neteyam was shielding you from gunfire, he took the bullet so you didn’t have to. He sacrificed himself to save you. The burden Lo’ak carries is not his, it’s yours. 

“I think you should. You can tell me. I will listen.” Lo’ak’s voice is soft, the way it is when he talks to Tsireya. He’s gentle with his movements, gentle with how he wraps a slow arm around you. Gentle with how he turns you to look at him. Gentle with how he looks at you. Gentle with how he takes your hand, giving you the space and time to tell him. Your eyes go glassy again as your fingers curl around his tightly. You reach for his pinky, the 4th finger he detests so much. 

“It was about that night, Lo'ak. The night we lost Neteyam. It…it was my fault.” You whisper, emotion swelling hot in your throat making it hard to breathe. His head tilts to the side, confusion and sadness evident in his expression. 

“No, Na’ari it was me who made us go back for Spider. I was-” 

“He shielded me, Lo’ak. Someone fired at us. Neteyam covered me with his body so he would take the bullets. If I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t have needed to shield anybody. It was me.” You cut him off, and instead of seeing anger like you expected- you saw sympathy. Normally you hate sympathy, hate the sad looks you get from Na’vi who could never understand the depth of your loss. But you know Lo’ak does, he might be the only one who truly, deeply understands the pain and responsibility you feel. He takes both of your hands. 

“You wouldn’t have been shot at if I didn’t make us go back for Spider. So let's just say it was both of our faults. Have you talked to Neteyam about this? I have…and he made me feel better about it.” Lo’ak said softly. 

“What…did he say?” You ask hesitantly. Lo’ak smiles, just a small quirk of his lip. 

“That it wasn’t my fault. He will say the same to you. You know how he hates being treated like a prrnen.” Lo’ak comments and you can’t fight the small laugh that escapes your lips. Lo’ak stands to walk you to your ilu, Se’ayl and you follow behind him. 

“Thank you. Sometimes I feel like you’re the only person I can talk to.” You admit quietly, and you see the smile bloom on his face. 

“I see you, always.” He says, bumping you with his shoulder. You bump him back. 

***

Your vision clears as you connect your kuru to the Tree, and this time you find yourself on the beach at dusk. You’re not sure if you pick the memory, or if Neteyam does. You listen to the lapping of the water, soft and wet against the sand. The breeze is refreshing, and everything around you feels serene and peaceful. You feel a warmth against your back, and you smile as you lean back into his space. Neteyam’s thumbs reach up to trace over dried tear marks on your cheeks. You turn to face him, leaning up on your toes to press your lips against his. 

“So, what story do you have for me today yawne?” He asks, lowering to the beach and you sit next to him in the sand. You lean against him, relishing in the feeling of his lips pressing kisses into your hair. 

“I had a nightmare, woke me up in the night. I couldn’t sleep. Lo’ak found me on the beach.” You start, Neteyam hums. 

“What was it about?” He asks softly, his lips finding your shoulder and presses kisses as he makes his way to your neck. It was very distracting. 

“You. About when…when you died.” You stammer and Neteyam pauses. In all the times you’ve come to visit, you had never spoken to him about his death directly. 

“I don’t remember it yawne.” He admits, and your breath stutters. He can feel your body freeze. 

“Go on.” He urges, resuming his trail of kisses. He knows feeling him can help you relax, that his touch brings calm to you. 

“How much has Lo’ak told you?” You ask, Neteyam thinks for a moment. 

“I know I was shot. That we went back for Spider, and I got shot.” He says and it doesn’t surprise you that Lo’ak was so vague. 

“It’s more than that. Things Lo’ak didn’t know because I never told him. Tey-” Tears cut you off, and Neteyam halts his kisses to turn you and bundle you in his arms. He holds you against his chest, rocking you softly as tears flow from your eyes again. 

“Go on yawne. I am here to listen. Always.” He mumbles softly. 

“It was my fault you got shot. He was firing at me. You shielded me, and you told me to leave with Tuk. Told me to escape. I chose to go with you. I got you shot, it was me-” You begin to blubber as the sobs take over. Neteyam rocks you, shushing you as he does and letting you feel the warmth of his skin. 

“You and Lo’ak are just the same. So quick to blame yourselves for a choice I made. I may not remember what happened, but I do know that if I died to save you, it was absolutely worth it. That I regret nothing.” Neteyam says with certainty. You sit up, leaning into his space as you wrap your arms around his neck. 

***

You walk down the beach with Ta’kan, still going on these little dates with him to appease his sempul who is quite keen on the two of you becoming a mated pair. You think Ta’kan has begun to finally understand how uninterested you are in mating with another. You can feel a nervous energy coming from him today, and it sets you on edge. You hold another flower in your hand, another gift from Ta’kan. He keeps opening his mouth and closing it like a fish out of water. Finally you look over at him. 

“What is it?” You ask with an impatient huff, and he glances over at you quickly before itching the back of his neck. 

“There is something I wanted to ask your permission for…but I’m not sure you would like it very much…” He trails off and you feel your heart seize, anxiety gripping you. You look at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. 

“You still go visit Neteyam right? In the Cove of Ancestors?” He starts and you nod apprehensively. 

You are very unprepared for what Ta’kan says next. 

“I think…I think maybe I should talk to him.” 

“What? Why?” Your voice is higher pitched than it normally is, and your heart begins racing in your chest. Ta’kan swallows nervously. 

“You still love him. If we are going to try to become a mated pair, I would feel better if I pursued you with his blessing.” He says softly, and you almost want to laugh in his face. You know Neteyam keeps telling you to move on, to try to fall in love again but you doubt he will enjoy a potential mate seeking him out directly. Especially Ta’kan. 

Neteyam was supposed to meet you before your next diving lesson. He had promised to give you the next lesson himself but he was late. You paced back and forth on the beach for a few minutes before you decided to go seek him out. He’s never late, never keeps you waiting, never abandons you. You begin walking down the beach, scanning the faces for Neteyam. You spot Tuk first. 

“Tuk! Where’s your brother?” You ask, and she doesn’t need to ask which one you’re referring to. 

“I think he went down that way a little while ago, he looked mad.” She points down the left side of the beach, and you furrow your brows. 

“Mad? Do you know why?” You ask and Tuk smiles cheekily at you. 

“One of the village boys said something about you. I don’t know what, but when Neteyam heard he got really mad.” She answered, kicking a shell along the sand. You place your hand on her head affectionately as you head in the direction she pointed, and you’re not surprised when you notice Tuk following you. It isn’t long before you begin to hear shouting, and you see a small circle of young Na’vi boys. You push through the crowd to see Neteyam chest to chest with Ta’kan. He has a dark look in his eyes as he watches Ta’kan. 

“I’m just being honest, all the boys look at her. All the boys want to mate-” 

“Stop. Talking.” Neteyam’s voice is firm, and you can tell he is struggling to control his temper. You step forward, wrapping an arm around his stomach from behind. 

“Yawne, just ignore him. Come with me.” You say softly, and you feel his heartbeat relax only slightly at the sight of you and his youngest sister. Ta’kan however doesn’t seem to be done egging Neteyam on. 

“I mean look at her. It makes no sense to me why she would choose you. It’s only a matter of time before she changes her mind.” He smiles, trying to catch a glimpse of you but you’re purposefully positioning yourself behind Neyetam. His fists tighten. 

“Baby ignore him. Please, let's just go.” You beg, using a human word you picked up from Jake. He’s always calling Neytiri ‘baby’ and you like how it sounds. Neteyam’s chest heaves, but he lets you tug him back a few steps. 

“Leave her alone. If you ever speak about her this way again, I will not leave so peacefully.” Neteyam warns, and despite Ta’kan’s bravado, you can see him swallow nervously. Most of the boys back off when Neteyam threatens them, they won’t outwardly admit it but most of them are intimidated by Neteyam. By his finesse with both a dagger and a bow. Neteyam falls into step beside you, reaching down to scoop Tuk in his arms when she reaches up for him. She rests her head against his shoulder, and you can see him calming further. 

“You don’t need to let them get to you so much my love.” You tell him calmly, but his ears flatten and a look of annoyance crosses his face. 

“You did not hear the worst of what he said.” He growled, you leaned over to press a kiss to his neck. 

“I do not care what he said. I am yours, and I always will be.” 

“He will not like that.” You say honestly, and Ta’kan nods in agreement, which surprises you. 

“I know.” 

“You will not receive his blessing.” You tell him, and he nods again. 

“I know. I want to talk to him anyway.” He insists, and you look at him with a brow raised. 

“And Na’ari, I just…I want to say how sorry I am, for behaving the way I did when you and Neteyam had first arrived. I…I was jealous of him. Jealous of how strong and talented he was. Jealous of how quickly he mastered skills it took me years to get right. He was from the forest and yet he was more skilled in the water than I will ever be, and…I was jealous of him because of you. You are so beautiful and kind and it made me so angry that you loved him. I’m just…I’m sorry.” Ta’kan says and you’re not really sure how genuine his apology is. You try to mask the pain you feel, everytime he said was felt like a dagger to your heart. 

“I appreciate that, but you tormented Neteyam far more than you did me. It is his forgiveness you need, not mine.” You tell him honestly, and he nods. 

“That is why I want to talk to him. All of this weighs heavily on me.” He says and you nod. 

“I cannot stop you from seeking him out. But do not expect him to be delighted by your presence.” You warn. 

***

When Neteyam appears, he is standing on the beach with the sun blazing high in the sky. He looks around for you, he wasn’t expecting another visit so soon. Although it’s difficult for him to tell how much time has passed here, because time doesn’t really pass while he is with Eywa. He doesn’t see you, which strikes him as odd but before he can look around he hears a voice. It immediately sets him on edge. 

“Neteyam?” It’s Ta’kan. Neteyam’s ears flatten as he turns to see Ta’kan standing a few feet down the beach. Neteyam says nothing, and Ta’kan can see the growing fire in his eyes. 

“I’ve come to talk to you, if you will allow me.” He says, and Neteyam almost feels angry but how polite he is suddenly being, all it took was Neteyam dying to bring out his nice side. 

“We were not friends.” Neteyam snaps, and Ta’kan shrinks away from him a bit. 

“I-I know. I’m sorry Neteyam.” He says meekly. Neteyam nearly laughs. 

“What do you want? Is this about Na’ari?” Neteyam ignores his apology, he knows you would want him to be polite and he’s not sure he can respond politely to that. 

“Uh well, yes. It is. I just, I didn’t want to continue pursuing her until I had your permission. You will always be the most important person to her.” He says and Neteyam feels his heart splintering. 

“Yes I will, and I can no longer provide the future we were supposed to have. I tell her to move on, to love again, for her sake. I will never be able to give you permission to mate with the love of my life. I will never be able to give you permission, it is not mine to give nor do I want to. I want to be selfish, but I know I can’t. I’m dead and she is no longer mine. Now go, and do not come back.” Neteyam is bitter, he knows he is. He can hear it in his voice. He turns from Ta’kan, not wanting to hear anything else he has to say. He tries to hide the pain in his heart, the pain that grows stronger and stronger with every visit. 

Neteyam knows you still need him, knows you’re not ready to let him go but he may have to force you. This is no longer helpful for either of you. You’re hurting and so is he. Death cannot be undone, and there are no loopholes. Eventually Eywa will sever your connection to Neteyam, to maintain the natural balance of life.

You need to see that you can be okay without Neteyam. That you can overcome the pain. If you allow him to remain in your heart, you can find the strength to go on, and frankly Neteyam doesn’t want to know about any future mates. Doesn’t want them to seek him out. Doesn’t want to know about any of it. He wants to be at peace, and he knows it would destroy you to know that. 

If there was one thing you knew about the Olo’eyktan’s eldest son, it’s that he’s in the infirmary a lot. From smaller wounds like cuts, burns, and scrapes to more serious wounds like broken bones or dislocated joints he was always in here. He usually greeted you with a cheeky smile as he dropped on your fyanyo and held up the offending wound to you, watching you with attentive eyes as you carefully worked on him. You also knew that 98% of the time he was in here wounded, it was because of his little brother Lo’ak. The thing about Lo’ak is that he was adventurous, rebellious, and detested listening to his Father, and the thing about Neteyam is that he hated abandoning his little brother. He would follow him headfirst into gunfire, if Lo’ak asked him to. His devotion made your belly squirm, made your skin flush and set your nerves alight. 

Although, you’d never admit that to him. 

Unfortunately you didn’t know the first thing about familial devotion, due to you being a hasa, your Father died years ago due to an infection and your Mother passed in childbirth. Your Father’s death was slow, painful, and sent you headfirst down the path you’re on now. You learned how to cure infections, aid the healing process, and other things about healing due to your Fathers death. It meant you spent most of your days alone in the zoslu kelku, the healer's home. The healer was Mo’at, Neytiri’s Mother and clan tsahik, and she was happy to show you all she’s learned. Which is what you were doing now, receiving another lesson on infections and which plants to use based on the color of the wound. 

“It wasn’t my fault!” You hear Lo’ak complain as a flurry of Na’vi enter the kelku at once, with Neteyam in the center and his sisters fussing at his sides. There is blood streaming down his side and Lo’ak is dragging his feet behind the group. 

“It was your idea to go looking for the thanator Lo’ak!” You hear Tuk chime in, her hands grabbing at Neteyam as he’s pushed to the fyanyo by Kiri. You reach for the zoslu sao, the healing tools you will need before you make your way to his side. Neteyam flashes you a playful smile as he lifts his hands to reveal a large gash in his side. Mo’at looks over her grandchildren before ushering them out with a tut. 

“You need to go find your sempul and tell him what happened.” She follows them out, knowing Neteyam will be fine in your care. 

“He’s going to be angry with you Lo’ak!” Tuk insists in that ‘told you so’ tone she does. 

“It was wounding all of our hunters, tattle tale!” He fires back before they’re out of earshot and you can’t hear them anymore. 

You quickly get to work, reaching for a damp cloth soaked in a tree sap that helps seal wounds. 

“This is going to sting.” You warn softly as Neteyam leans to give you more room. Your eyes linger on his chest and stomach, and you can’t help but notice all the faint scars littered over his skin. “You need to be more careful.” 

“Ah, where’s the fun in that?” His tone is light, as if gushing blood down his side doesn’t bother him. You run the rag up his side, cleaning the blood off him as best you can before setting the sao with thread. 

“You’re covered in scars.” You huff, trying to force yourself not to worry. He isn’t your responsibility. 

“Were you looking?” Neteyam teases with a brow raised. Your cheeks flush purple as you refocus on your work. You pinch the skin together before pressing the needle to his skin- but you quickly pause. There’s something you forgot, it’s beyond distracting when he looks at you the way he is now. 

“It was Lo’ak’s fault wasn’t it?” You ask, reaching for a smaller piece of cloth to dab nectar over the wound. This particular nectar grows in the tallest trees and will help to numb some of the pain. Neteyam settles back on his palms, his upper body all stretched out on the fyanyo. You swallow a lump quickly growing in your throat. He chuckles dryly. 

“Yes, the skxwang took it upon himself to challenge the thanator directly. We’re lucky it didn’t maul us.” 

“Lo’ak’s lucky his brother is talented with a bow.” You comment, lifting his right hand to look at the cuts and indentations along the pads of his fingers from his bowstring. You wipe the blood off his side again before you pinch the skin together and this time you take the sao and begin stitching his wound shut. He hisses a little but barely flinches, due to the nectar you used. He has a small smile on his face. 

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you liked getting hurt all the time.” You comment, Neteyam’s grin only grows. 

“Maybe I just like seeing you.” He says, his voice low. Your cheeks darken again, and when you glance up at his face you’re utterly disarmed to find him already watching you. You open your mouth to say something but before you have a chance you hear a hiss from the doorway. 

“Neteyam! Raptuli’u.” Neyriti swears before descending on him, lifting his arms to closely examine his side and his back. 

“I’m alright Mama, honestly I am.” He says, with a touch of fondness in his tone. Mama. Your heart warms at the word, you always knew Neteyam was secretly a Mama’s boy. 

“This was Lo’ak’s doing?” She asks, with a fire in her eyes that tells you Lo’ak is about to be in trouble, again. Neteyam shakes his head with a small smile. 

“No, I slipped when we were coming back. It was a branch jutting out from the vines.” He says smoothly, and the fire in her eyes smolders a bit. You think she knows he’s not telling the truth, but unlike Jake she doesn’t scold him for it. She looks him over once again before leaving the kelku, muttering that her sons are going to be the death of her. 

“You lied?” You can’t help but ask. Neteyam shrugs. 

“He’s going to be in enough trouble as it is. There’s no point making it worse.” Neteyam flinches as you tie off the end of the stitch and reach for a clean piece of cloth to clean the wound once more. You look over your work, and step back once you deem it safe to do so. 

“Thanks, Doc. Prettiest zeykoyu we have.” He teases, and you brush your hair behind your ear, pretending your cheeks aren’t flushing again. 

“Shut up. Try not to need my help for a while.” You huff, avoiding his gaze. 

“Ah but I’d miss you too much.” Is what he calls over his shoulder on his way out the door. 

***

You don’t see him again until 6 days later, which is a new personal record for him. You’re looking over your herbs, tossing out ones that have rotted and making a list of things you’ll need to replace your supplies when you hear someone walk in. You look up and your heart jumps in your chest when you make eye contact with Neteyam. 

“What is it this time?” You ask, trying to keep the smile off your face. Neteyam slides up on your fyanyo and holds out his arm, revealing a large burn going up to his armpit. You gasp when you see the edge of his skin peeling already, and you quickly rush to gather your supplies. You grab herbs, pieces of cloth, a bowl of water, plus a few vials of a tree sap before rushing back to him. You don’t miss the smile spreading across his face. 

“What happened?” You ask, not looking up at him as you dip a shred of cloth in the bowl of water. 

“Fell on a fire.” Is all he says, and you roll your eyes. You know there’s more to it than that.

“All by yourself?” You ask, and he shrugs. 

“Truthfully, it wasn’t Lo’ak’s fault this time.” He says earnestly, tension seeping into his tone. You pause, raising a brow as you reach for another piece of cloth, this time unstoppering the bottle of tree sap to smear a glob of it over the cloth. 

“Well? Are you going to keep me in suspense?” You tease lightly, noticing him swallow thickly as you begin to apply the cloth to his burn. 

“It was a fight. That’s all you need to know.” He snaps lightly, turning to avoid your gaze. You furrow your brows, Neteyam never snaps at you, never speaks to you in anger. Never. 

“Neteyam, what happened?” You ask again, softer this time. He sighs, reaching out suddenly to squeeze your hand. 

“Just got into a scuff with some other boys, nothing to worry about paskalin.” He says, and the pet name makes your skin tingle as nerves come alive in your belly. You resume applying pieces of cloth with tree sap to the burn, and when it’s fully covered you secure the cloth in place with a longer strip of cloth that you wrap around his arm like a bandage. 

“Keep this wrapped for 5 days, then take it off and wash in running water.” You instruct, and Neteyam nods with a smile, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of your face. Nothing had ever happened between you and Neteyam, but you’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t have a powerful crush on him you tried desperately to ignore. When he did stuff like calling you sweet things like paskalin and brushing your hair behind your ear, he made it very difficult to continue ignoring your feelings for him. 

“Thank you Doc, don’t worry I’ll try not to see you soon. Don’t miss me too much.” He says softly, giving you another smile before he slides off the fyanyo and heads out the door.   Later that night, after your eyelids had grown so heavy you could hardly hold them open you decided to head back to your own nivi for some much needed sleep. You took a longer route through the cave the clan had made their new home in. This particular route had the best view, looking over the forest and a sparkling river that glittered in the moonlight.

Your steps were slow because your body was just as heavy as your eyes, but you couldn’t stop your mind from wandering as you walked. Your mind drifted to Neteyam, as it always did when you found yourself somewhere quiet and alone. You imagined walking this same route, your hand tangled in his. You thought about laughing with him, or just talking with him about something other than what injuries he had. 

Your cheeks colored when you thought about his lips on yours, about his lips trailing down your neck as his strong lean body pressed you against the forests’ mossy floor. You thought about gasping his name in ecstasy, grabbing onto his shoulders as he pushed into you. 

Suddenly a low whilst yanks you firmly out of your thoughts and you whirl around with a jump, your heart racing. You see another Na’vi around your age emerge from around the corner in front of you. You recognize him, it's Atan, and his little brother Arvok. There are a few other boys with them although you don’t recognize them. They block the path in front of you, with mean smiles stretching over their faces. 

“E-Excuse me, but I need to get past you.” Your voice is soft, and trembling. Your hair stands up on the back of your neck, a sick feeling of dread taking hold in your body. Atan steps closer to you, the others circling around you effectively trapping you where you were. 

“I have something to ask you first, Y/N.” Atan says smoothly, his eyes dragging down your body as he says it. You feel dread turn to fear as you realize you’re cornered, in a back corner of the cave, late at night, with nobody around. All the kelku’s were gathered in the biggest room of the cave, it’s also where the Ikran’s entered and exited the cave. There were a lot of smaller rooms and pathways weaving throughout the floating island they resided on, that hardly any Na’vi went to. Well hardly any except you. 

“Are you and Neteyam mated?” He asks, and you blink at him in surprised silence for a moment. 

“What?” 

“Has Neteyam fucked you before Eywa, Y/N?” Atan asks lowly, his crude word not one of Na’vi, it must be something he picked up from the humans living among you. You feel fear taking hold like a cold hand stirring up your insides. You try to take a step back but Arvok takes a step closer to you from behind. When you don’t answer, Atan chuckles. 

“You’re so sweet, so innocent you don’t even know what that means do you?” He’s teasing you, but not in a playful good spirited way, like how Neteyam does. He’s making fun of you. 

“What I mean, somtilor, is… has Neteyam spread your legs and pressed himself between them? Has he seen the beauty of your bare skin? Has he heard what it sounds like when pleasure overtakes you?” He asks, pressing his hand against the rocks behind you and you feel tears pushing at the backs of your eyes. 

“N-No!” You stammer, wishing more and more that Neteyam were here. Atan smirks and glances back at the boys that are with him. 

“I figured you had, because of how he fought to defend your honor today. He fought only how a man would to protect his yawne.” Atan chuckled darkly, so this is what Neteyam was refusing to tell you earlier. That he’d gotten into a fight with Atan about you. 

“W-what? What happened?” You ask, hating how small your voice sounds.  “I was merely discussing with my brother, and my friends, what it would feel like to spend an evening under the moon with you. How your body would feel against mine. I guess Neteyam didn’t like that too much, because the skxawng punched me. So I shoved his vrrtep ass in the fire. I figured he told you about it, I saw you cleaning him up after.” Atan whispered huskily, his pupils dilating as he inched closer. You felt like crying. You felt like screaming. You felt like kicking him between the legs, but you didn’t do any of that. You froze, fear holding you in place like it was turning your blood to ice. A small fire ignited within you when you heard Atan call Neteyam a vrrtep, a demon. 

“He is more of a true Na’vi than you will ever be. Now leave me alone.” You snap, strength returning to your voice as you stand up straighter. Atan laughs in your face, and doesn’t move an inch. You try to shove him away from you, but that only makes him laugh more and press more of his weight against you. 

“Don’t touch me!” You cry as his hand pulls at your tail. You squeeze your eyes shut and turn your head to the side with hot tears spilling over your cheeks, when suddenly you feel a sharp breeze from right in front of you. You open your eyes, to see a venomous looking Neteyam stood between you and Atan, his fists curled. You breathe a sigh of relief as you quickly scramble closer to him, wrapping your hand around his arm while staying as close to him as you could get. 

“You heard her. Do not ever touch her again.” Neteyam snaps, and the anger and darkness in his eyes is entirely foreign to you. You’ve never seen him like this before. He can feel you pressing yourself against his back, can feel how hard you’re shaking. It all drives him closer to hitting Atan until he can’t get back up. 

“Sorry Neteyam, but according to her you’re not mated. You have no say over who I choose to court.” Atan says, his voice teasing in a mean way. Neteyam reaches back to hold onto your hip, keeping you against him and within his reach. 

“I heard her perfectly fine. She doesn’t want you anywhere near her. You need to back off.” His voice was nearly growling at the end, his dark gaze locked on Atan. Atan takes a step closer, and Neteyam stands straighter- squaring his shoulders. 

“Don’t forget Atan, not only is my Father Olo’eyktan but he is Toruk Makto. What do you think the Toruk Makto will think when he hears about this?” He snaps, and upon hearing this Atan hisses but steps back from you and Neteyam. He turns away from you two, taking all of his friends and his brother with him. You sigh a breath of relief, fear still lingering in your body. You’re shaking as Neteyam turns to look at you, a much softer look in his eyes. 

“Are you alright? Did he hurt you? He didn’t touch you did he?” He asks, lifting your arms and looking you over immediately. You shake your head weakly, looking up at him with teary eyes. Neteyam’s expression softens further as he pulls you against him, and you immediately melt into his chest. 

“Shh, it is alright now. I’ve got you. You’re safe now.” He murmurs against your hair as you shake against him. You pull back to wipe your tears, feeling a buzzing throughout your entire body, likely due to the adrenaline. 

“You…you saved me.” You whispered, only having moved a few inches away from him. He smiles, his arms still around you. 

“Always.” 

“He…he told me what your fight was about today.” You whisper and Neteyam’s ears drop a little. 

“I will have a talk with my Father, I’ll make sure he never goes anywhere near you again. I promise I’ll keep you safe. The fight is why I’m even back here, so far from the rest of the clan. I know you like taking this path back to your nivi, and I was worried about you.” He explains softly, and your heart grows so big you fear it’ll burst wide open. 

“You came back here, to protect me?” You ask in disbelief, your heart racing. Neteyam nodded wordlessly, his cheeks flushing. Without stopping to question yourself, or nervously talk yourself out of it, you lean up on your toes and press your lips against his. Neteyam’s eyes widen in surprise before his arms are winding around your waist, and he’s leaning into the kiss, crowding your space. Your lips move together as you feel the smooth cave wall press against your back, with Neteyam’s hands sliding up your back. Your hands grip his shoulders tightly, ensuring he doesn’t leave. You moan softly when you feel his teeth snag your lower lip, and you can feel heat settling in your lower belly. Neteyam’s lips travel from your lips down your cheek, along your jawline before finally landing on your neck. You sigh contently, pressing your body against his as his lips trail down your neck, biting and sucking as he goes. 

“Wait, wait wait.” He gasps, pulling back from you to press his forehead against your shoulder. Panic strikes you then, is this not what he wants? Did you somehow misread the situation? Just because he’s nice enough not to let some random Na’vi attack you doesn’t mean he wants to do anything more with you. Your cheeks heat up in embarrassment as you try to inch space between you. Neteyam’s eyebrows furrow. 

“Wait, baby no hold on. I want to, I want this. Okay? I do. I just…I didn’t protect you to get something from you. You don’t have to do this to say thank you.” He says softly, and your anxiety eases considerably. You lean up to kiss him again. 

“I want to. Please Nete? I want you.” You whisper softly, and you see his pupils blow wide open as soon as the words leave your mouth. 

“Baby, there’s only one problem.” He says huskily, his hands planting on either side of your head as he bends slightly to be eye level with you. 

“What?” You breathe, your eyes trained on his lips, and he can tell you’re barely listening to him. 

“We’re out in the open, against a cave wall. I can’t take you here paskalin.” He says, sounding truly pained that he has to stop. You press against him again, desperate to feel his body against yours. 

“Yes you can, we’re alone. It’s dark and late. There’s nobody around. Nete please?” You beg, leaning forward to press kisses against his neck. Soft at first, but then you begin to gently bite him when you can feel his lingering hesitation. He growls low in his throat, one arm curling around your back to pull your hips against his. You can feel him hard and straining against you, you can feel the heat of him through his loincloth and you let out a breathy whine. He lowers his lips to yours as he guides you further around the corner, so he knows with absolute certainty that nobody will see you. Neteyam reaches up to the laces securing your top and he pauses, waiting for you to stop him. 

“Please.” You whine, and he smiles before removing your top. His eyes land on your chest instantly, muttering words under his breath you can quite make out. 

“So beautiful.” He whispers as his presses kisses between your breasts and down towards your stomach. His hands reach up to cup your breasts as he lowers to his knees and you feel liquid heat flowing through your entire body at the sight of him. His hands slide down your sides to the sides of your laced Na’vi skirt, looking up with patient eyes once again for you to stop him. You do nothing but wait in eager anticipation for him to continue. He slowly pulls your skirt down your hips, pressing any kisses to exposed skin that he sees as he does. His lips land on your stomach, hipbones, thighs as your naked body is revealed to him. 

“You are a work of art, paskalin.” He whispers, his eyes looking over you in reverence. He leans forward to kiss your stomach before one hand lifts your leg and tosses it over his shoulder. Before you can question what he’s doing, he’s lowering his head between your legs and dragging his tongue through your folds in one smooth line. You clamp a hand over your mouth as your head tosses back against the rockwall, causing a sharp pain to emanate where you hit. Neteyam holds your hips, his eyes locked on yours as his tongue drags through your folds again. Your heart is racing as your chest is heaving as you turn to liquid in his hands. His tongue circles your pearl, and he watches with lust blown eyes as your face twists in pleasure while you moan against your palm. 

“Don’t stop, don’t stop Nete please.” You plead wantonly as his tongue makes another long pass through your folds. He toys with your clit, his tongue circling around it as you begin to grind against his face, one hand reaching down to land on his shoulder. His hands on your hips are the only things keeping you from crumpling to the floor. You can see his chin glistening with you, and it makes your cheeks darken in slight embarrassment but from the look in his eyes you can tell that Neteyam is exactly where he wants to be. 

“Oh Nete, I’m gonna, I, oh Mother, I’m going to-” You can’t warn him in time before you’re gushing on his face, your orgasm slamming into you full force when his tongue traces along your entrance. He holds you tighter, letting you grind down on his face for as long as you’d like until you ride out the aftershocks. After a few moments, he slowly rises, wiping his face on the back of his hand. He smiles down at you before cupping your cheeks and kissing you firmly. 

“Was that okay?” He asks softly, and you nod instantly, curling your hands around his sides as he kisses you again. 

“More. Please.” You whisper and Neteyam feels the blood rushing south as soon as the words leave your lips. You nibble on your bottom lip, glancing down at the bulge in his loincloth. He took such good care of you just now, maybe you should too. You try to sink to your knees but before you can, Neteyam gently grasps your elbows. 

“Next time. If you do, I may finish in your mouth and our night would end right then and there. I need to be inside you paskalin.” He says huskily, sending goosebumps over your skin. You nod, leaning back against the rockwall as Neteyam pushes his loincloth down, and his cock springs free. He presses his body against yours, his lips finding yours as he lifts you with two hands under your thighs. You wrap your legs around his hips instantly, feeling the sharp heat of his cock nudging against your thigh. He gently presses you back more firmly so he can release you with one hand to reach down and line himself up. Your arms are around his shoulders as you kiss along his neck, waiting impatiently for him. 

“Tell me to stop if you need me to, okay?” He says once he notches his head against you, just starting to part your folds. You nod, but Neteyam doesn’t move. 

“I need you to say it baby.” He says softly, and your heart warms at the concern. 

“I will. I’ll tell you to stop. Now please? I need you.” You beg, and he smiles before pressing his lips to yours to capture any moans that escape. Neteyam kisses you softly as he pushes his hips forward, sliding into you slowly, inch by inch. You break the kiss with a gasp against his mouth, your eyes squeezed shut as your body struggles to take the intrusion. He continues sliding into you slowly, his face burying in your neck as he bottoms out, his hips meeting yours. You reach out blindly, finding his kuru and connecting it to yours and you see stars as soon as they connect. 

“Oh Gods-” He gasps sharply, both of your bodies coming alive at the new connection. Your heartbeats sync, and he stays fully seated inside you for a moment, purely to collect himself so he doesn’t blow his load in one thrust. 

“I…I can feel you. So good Nete, oh my god-” You whine, tossing your head back but Neteyam is quick to get his hand between the wall and your skull so you don’t hurt yourself. 

“Move. Please.” You whine and Neteyam nods, gently pulling his hips back a few inches before sliding back inside you. You meet his gaze as he pulls back again, a little further this time before driving forward again, setting a slow deep pace. You gasp into each other's mouths as you find his lips again, your toes curling as he continues to take you deep and slow. Your entire body is on fire, and becoming slick with sweat. You can feel everything so clearly, even his pleasure, because of tsaheylu. You begin meeting his thrusts, both of your bodies moving together. He keeps his eyes locked on yours, wanting to watch you fall apart, wanting to take in every second of your pleasure. 

“You’re so, so beautiful. You feel incredible, baby.” He gasps, watching your lidded eyes remain locked on his. 

“I’m close Nete, I’m so close oh my, oh my god-” You whine, tears pushing out of your eyes at the pleasure coursing through you. Neteyam swipes away falling tears as he plants his lips against your neck. 

“I know, I know I can feel you yawne.” He groans, feeling his own orgasm quickly approaching. 

“Don’t stop, please please don’t stop.” You beg, moaning softly as the heat begins to build more and more and more. Neteyam keeps his steady pace, increasing in speed only slightly. 

“Come with me yawne, I can feel you. I know you’re there, come with me.” He whispers to you, capturing your lips when he feels your orgasm hit you. His washes over him at the same time and you both moan into each other's mouths as he slams into you and then stills, feeling you clamping around him tightly like a vice grip. You feel warmth flooding through you, and you sign contently as he comes inside you. After your heartbeats have calmed, and your kuru’s have been disconnected, he lowers your weak legs to the floor. He helps you get dressed before getting dressed himself. 

“Nete? Does this mean, that you and me…that we…” You trail off, you’re afraid of what his answer will be. 

“I love you, yawne. We are mated now, and I am yours for however long you’ll have me.” Neteyam says earnestly, before pressing his lips against yours again. 

***

The next morning, you find yourself back in the zolsu kelku when you hear shouting starting from outside. You make your way to the doorway, watching as an older Na’vi shouts at Atan, smacking him with what you assume to be a human shoe. Your eyes find Neteyam’s who is smiling wider than he needs to be. He makes his way over to you, and presses a kiss to your temple, admiring the purple bruises he left blooming across your neck and collarbones. 

The sun had begun to set, and you felt your skin prickle with excitement. You knew what that meant, it meant that you were going to see Neteyam soon. You reached back to pull your braids out of your face, and in the corner of your eye you saw Jake and Neytiri lingering at the doorway of your kelku. Jake shifted from foot to foot, and he looked anxious. Neytiri nudged him forward with a slight hiss and a drop of her ears. 

“Na’ari? Can we talk to you for a second?” Jake was tense, you could tell from the tightness in his shoulders. You paused, wanting nothing more than to dive in the water and straight to the Tree of Spirits, but you waited. This seemed important. Jake’s ears flattened but he said nothing, so Neytiri stepped forward with a pointed glare at Jake. 

“We’ve been approached by Tul’kan, Ta’kan’s sempul.” She begins and already you feel a lump forming in your throat. You knew Ta’kan, he was a young Na’vi around your age. You remember feeling his eyes on you, remember when he had made an advance before he learned of you and Neteyam. 

You had been sitting in the shallow part of the water, you were still getting used to swimming daily instead of jumping from tree to tree. You longed for the forest, longed to feel the foliage beneath your feet, longed to hear the thundering of a direhorse, or an Ikran’s call. This place was so different from home, so different from the life you’ve always known. The water was too cold, and your body was too weak for the strength swimming required. The Metkayina people were made for this, their tales thick and strong, their hands and feet webbed. You were made for the forest, your darker skin stood out, the stripes on your skin stood out, your long skinny tail. 

“Going to go for a swim?” You hear a voice behind you, one you hadn’t heard before. You’re waiting on the beach for Neteyam to return with something to eat. You had been swimming all morning and your body was weak and sore, he offered to bring you something to eat. You turned to look at the boy behind you, his curly hair sat atop his head. He had kind eyes and looked a bit shy to be talking to you. 

“No, actually I was swimming all morning. I’m exhausted.” You breathe and he sits in the sand next to you, too close. You glance nervously over your shoulder, if Neteyam sees he’s going to be upset…he can be a bit overprotective. The boy drags his eyes down your body when you turn to look for Neteyam. 

“Well, once you’ve regained your strength I can show you the prettiest place in the reef, I’m Ta’kan by the way.” He offered with a playful smile. You shifted uncomfortably, you didn’t know what to do when boys made advances towards you. Where was Neteyam? What was taking him so long? 

“I’m Na’ari and well-” 

“She has a mate.” You hear a voice behind you, and instantly you sigh with relief. You turn to see Neteyam holding a plate filled with your favorite fish and fruits. You see Ta’kan’s face fall before a mean glint flashes in his eye. He rises to his feet, and circles around you towards Neteyam. Neteyam hands you your plate and his ears flatten, his tail flicking in agitation. 

“Hope you don’t mean you. She’s far too pretty to be with someone like you. I can probably change her mind.” He looks down at you, and you hate the look in his eyes so much you stand to shift behind Neteyam. 

“Watch your mouth.” Neteyam nearly growls, leading you away with a hand on your back. 

“I know him.” You say softly, and Neytiri takes slow steps forward. She places a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“Ta’kan has expressed interest in beginning the mating ritual with you.” She says and you hiss, yanking away from her with stones dropping in your stomach. 

“Kehe! I have no interest in finding a new mate, tell his sempul I said no!” You snap, your eyes burning. Jake steps forward when the first tear falls.

“We know sweetheart, but we just thought it might be good for you to at least think about it. You shouldn’t be alone-” 

“I’m not. I still have Neteyam, I don’t need anybody else.” You cry and you see the look they share as you say it. 

“Na’ari he isn’t coming back.” Neytiri says, her voice hard and her eyes cold as she says it. 

“Neteyam and I performed tsaheylu, I will not bond with another. I can’t!” You’re crying now, pushing past them towards the water. Neytiri tries to follow, but Jake holds her back with a gentle hand on her arm. 

***

“Yawne, what’s wrong?” Neteyam asks quietly, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. You’re quiet, and there were dried tears on your cheeks when you got here. You ignore him, leaning back against his chest as you two watch the sunset over the forest. 

“Na’ari talk to me. Baby please just tell me what’s going on. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.” Neteyam begs quietly, pressing feather light kisses down your neck to help you relax. You feel a lump forming in your throat as heat pushes at the backs of your eyes. You feel your eyes misting again. 

“Do you remember Ta’kan?” You ask and you feel his body go rigid. 

“Yes, yawne I remember him. Why?” 

“His sempul, Tul’kan, has said he wishes to muntxa si with me. To become my new mate.” You can barely get the words out before emotion swells hot in your chest again. Neteyam doesn’t say anything, but you can feel the tension coursing through his body. You turn after a moment to straddle his hips, to look him in the eyes with your legs on either side of his. He rests back against the tree, his hands finding your hips as you turn to look at him. You expect to see anger in his gaze, but instead you see sadness and…resignation? 

“Yawne, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. You’ve just been so happy I didn’t want to ruin it.” Neteyam starts and already you feel anxiety churning in your gut. Your hands are on his shoulders, and you feel nerves tingling throughout your body. 

“I think you should consider his offer. At least go see him.” He says finally, and you yank away from him as if he’s burned you. You stand, turning away from him. 

“Why are you saying this?” Your voice is thick with emotion and Neteyam stands, but you can practically feel the hesitation in his steps. He runs his hands up your arms, and brushes your braids to the side so he can press another tender kiss to the curve of your neck. 

“Because no matter how many times you come to visit, or how real I feel…I’m still dead yawne. Nothing will change that. You’re going to age, and I will always be the same. You have dreams of having a family, I remember how much you want to be a Mother. I…I cannot give it to you. I cannot give you the family you dreamed of, and spending time here with me is no longer good for you.” Neteyam explains quietly but there are tears spilling over your cheeks as you turn to face him. 

“Don’t say that. Stop, Tey, ftang!” You beg, but he shakes his head. 

“No, you need to face this. You come here and you pretend I’m still here, that I’m just..away for a while but that’s not true. It’s not real, none of this is real yawne.” 

“Neteyam, please.” 

“You’re running away from it. Avoiding the truth. Pretending I’m here, but I’m not. I’m not here. My spirit lives in Eywa, it is why we can still speak to each other but eventually these meetings must come to an end. You must move on, without me yawne. You have to let me go.”  He insists gently, but you cover your hands with your ears. You know it’s childish but you can’t listen to any more of this. You feel Neteyam wrap his arms around you from behind and he can feel your entire body trembling. 

“Yawne, I’m sorry. I just think it would be good for you to at least meet with him, please? For me? Just talk to him.” He whispers, pressing kisses into your back and shoulders. 

“Is that what you want? For me to be with someone else? To bond with another? To tsaheylu with another man?” You ask, feeling your heartbeat go steady at his touch. 

“No. But it’s not healthy for you to spend the rest of your life here with me. Especially when I’m not really here.” He whispers, turning you in his arms to face him. He leans down and closes the space between you, pressing his lips to yours. You lean against him, reaching down to connect your kuru to his. But when you do, you feel nothing. Before you would see his memories, feel his feelings, feel what his body is feeling. But now, it’s just nothing. Empty. 

“I…I can’t feel you anymore.” Your voice breaks as Neteyam presses a kiss to your forehead. 

“Like I said yawne, I’m not really here.” He whispers, pulling you against him when he can see the tears in your eyes. You press your face into his chest, and you cry. 

***

A few mornings later, you’re sitting begrudgingly on the beach. You don’t want to be here. You don’t want to do this. You have no interest in being with another, but you told Neteyam that you would do this, that you would meet with Ta’kan and nothing else. You don’t want to think about it, or even admit it to yourself but you know all these meetings you’ve had with Neteyam have had one purpose for him- helping you overcome your grief and let him go. He’s told you holding onto the past will only keep you trapped in it. 

“Na’ari?” You hear a tentative voice say softly behind you. You turn to see Ta’kan, who is holding a single flower in his hand. Your gut turns, you feel physically ill. You think back to your first date with Neteyam, who had hand weaved you a new blanket as the gift he brought. 

“There you are, I was worried you wouldn’t show.” Neteyam smiled, his cheeks colored as he held his hands behind his back. You followed him to his Ikran, as he shyly handed you a small purple bundle from behind his back. You unwrapped it and saw a beautiful landscape of the Hallelujah mountains stitched with beautiful purple and orange silk. 

“Oh great Mother-” You gasped, it was beautiful and Neteyam was so bad at weaving blankets. He hated it, always stabbed himself with the sao, the tool used for weaving. He said his hands were best used with a bow, or for hunting, nothing as delicate as stitching and weaving. But this blanket was beautiful, stitched perfectly, and was the most touching gift you had ever received. You were a hasa, an orphan, your parents had been killed in an attack by the Sky People years ago. When you were just a child, you had been alone for many years. Of course the clan looked after you, and Jake had made sure you were taken care of. But you were without a family, until you had met Neteyam. 

“Do you like it?” He leaned against his Ikran, who pushed her head against him affectionately. You nodded, with tears pressing against the backs of your eyes. 

“I love it, it’s beautiful. The hallelujah mountains are my favorite.” 

“I remember.” He says softly before climbing atop his Ikran. He grins down at you, a playful look in his eyes. You haven’t bonded with an Ikran yet, you know you probably should have by now but you were afraid of heights so you didn’t feel a pressing need to bond with one urgently. Truthfully, you were trying to put it off for as long as you could. He reached his hand out to you, and you looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“Raptuli’u, Neteyam have you lost your mind? There’s no way.” You huff, your anxiety turning in your gut. He smiles, he can see the anxiety rising. 

“Do you trust me? I would never ever let anything happen to you.” He whispers, and you believe him. You believe him so much, you’re tucking the blanket into his Ikran’s

side bag and taking his hand. You climb on his Ikran’s back behind him and wrap your arms around his chest and press your face into his back. 

“Ready?” He asks with a grin. 

“No!” 

Wordlessly his Ikran takes off into the sky and you can’t help the scream that erupts from your mouth. You squeeze Neteyam tightly, and you wonder if this was his secret plan all along. Getting you to press yourself against him and hold him tightly. By the way he chuckles and gives you playful smiles- you think it might be. Suddenly you dive and you squeeze your eyes shut and hold onto him as hard as you can. 

“Open your eyes, yuey.” He whispers and slowly you peek one eye open and the view before you is so breathtaking you gasp. You’re above the clouds, and the sun is setting behind the mountains casting the sky all around you in pinks, purples, and a deep orange. It’s so calm, so peaceful you actually unpeel yourself from his back a bit to see everything more clearly. You look back at Neteyam, who is smiling at the view and hasn’t noticed you looking at him yet. You’re slammed with such a sudden and powerful emotion, it almost scares you. It scares you because somewhere deep in your heart you know, nothing and nobody will ever compare to this moment right now, with him. 

“Na’ari, did you hear me?” A voice pulls you suddenly out of your head and you’re back on the beach instead of soaring high above the forest. You blink a few times, a heavy feeling like stones settling in your heart as you refocus on Ta’kan. You almost feel bad, you know nothing he does will be enough. He already isn’t enough and that isn’t even his fault. You’re comparing him to someone who cannot be compared to, someone who has no equal on Pandora. 

“No, I’m sorry.” You admit softly and you expect to see agitation or annoyance but instead you see understanding on his face, and sympathy. You hate sympathy. 

“I’m sorry if this feels too soon. We can just take everything slow if you want.” He says as you fall into step down the beach with him. We. You hate that word. You hate that you’re on a date. You hate that Neteyam isn’t here. You don’t say anything, because this does feel too soon. But it always will. It will always be too soon. You quietly nod, you don’t want to talk to him. You don’t want him to know you, to know your heart or your body because everything that you are belongs to Neteyam. Always will. 

“You look beautiful.” He offers quietly, you can tell he doesn’t know what to do or say. Neither do you. 

“Thank you.” Your reply is short and quiet, and you try your best not to sound irritated. You hold the flower in your hand, it is beautiful. But it will wilt and die, it’s why Neteyam never gifted you flowers. He said he didn’t want his feelings to be represented by something that would die. It’s why he weaved a blanket, because that is something that will last forever. 

“Can I just say something?” Ta’kan asks quietly and you nod, looking over at him. 

“It’s fine if you’re not ready, because of Neteyam. I can’t even imagine how difficult it’s been to lose him. This entire thing probably seems stupid to you. I probably look like a skxawng.” He says, and laughs nervously but you feel daggers piercing your heart. You can hear Neteyam’s voice in your head. Can see him playfully shoving at Lo’ak’s head. Can hear his voice as he smiles at his little brother. 

“You skxawng!” 

It pierces your heart like an arrow. 

***

“How did it go?” Jake asks as you appear in the doorway of your kelku that night, after your walk with Ta’kan. You shrug, instantly beelining for your nivi, you dig around your pack before you finally see what you’re looking for. You yank it out and unfold it, the large blanket Neteyam weaved for you. You haven’t had the strength to look at it until now. You wrap yourself in it, sitting next to the fire. 

“It was fine.” Is all you manage to say. Jake sits next to you, his heart splintering at the blanket over your shoulders. Neytiri helped him with it, helped him design it and began the first row of stitching for him. 

It had been 4 months, 2 days, and 6 hours since Neteyam was shot and killed. 4 months, 2 days, and 6 hours since your own heart had died along with him. 4 months, 2 days, and 6 hours since you decided to lay in your hammock until you joined him in Eywa’s embrace. His family checked in with you by the hour, they knew you and Neteyam were a mated pair, you had bonded shortly before he told you his family had to flee- and that he would not leave without you. 

Jake brought you food that you left untouched. Neytiri combed your hair and rebraided your hair, singing soft songs to you, although you know she did that more for herself than you. Kiri would come in and tell you stories of the most interesting thing that had happened that day, Tuk always joined her with her favorite catch of the day. 

But Lo’ak had yet to come by a single time. He avoided you almost entirely, averting his gaze from your hammock when it was time for everybody to turn in for the night. Kiri told you not to take it personally, that Lo’ak just didn’t know how to face you…after Neteyam. You wish you had the strength to tell him it wasn’t his fault, that Neteyam’s death was a tragedy, it wasn’t Lo’ak’s fault. But you couldn’t pull yourself out of bed, couldn’t find a reason to speak or to do anything other than cry and sleep. You wanted to join Neteyam in the spirit world everyday. 

Everyday Lo’ak would linger by the tent, watching your hammock from afar, telling himself today was the day he would finally face you, to try and get you out of bed and back into the sun because he knows that’s what Neteyam would want. But then he remembers the sounds of your screams when you saw Neteyam’s body, saw the blood on his hands- and Lo’ak bolts from the tent before you can see him. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to look you in the eyes again, not after what he took from you. Kiri was determined to make Lo’ak talk to you, because she’s pretty sure he’s the only person who’s going to be able to get you out of bed. 

“Just leave me alone Ki.” Lo’ak snapped, holding his spear above the water. Kiri had her arms crossed, watching Tuk swim a short distance away. 

“She’s lost too much weight, Na’ari is going to die if we don’t start getting her back into the world. Neteyam would want-” 

Lo’ak’s ears dropped and Kiri cut her sentence off immediately. 

“She isn’t going to listen to us. I’m worried about her, I know you are too.” Kiri tries again, watching as Lo’ak’s tail flicks in agitation, something he does when he feels anxious. 

“What am I supposed to do? I’ve…I’ve done enough already.” Lo’ak’s voice is low as he spears a fish more aggressively than he probably needed to. Kiri thinks for a moment, swaying her foot back and forth in the shallow water. An idea strikes her then, but the only way Na’ari is going to agree is if it’s Lo’ak that asks her. 

“We could never convince her of anything, there’s only one person she’s going to listen to. Neteyam.” Kiri says as Tuk’s head pops up out of the water at their feet. Lo’ak spins around, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. 

“What do you-”

“Take her to see him. At the Tree of Spirits. He can talk to her. She’ll listen to him, but none of us have been able to convince her out of bed. You need to do it.” Kiri presses and Lo’ak presses his lips together as Kirit takes Tuk back home to have lunch. 

***

Your eyes stare unfocused at the wall in front of you, your back facing the rest of the tent. Tuk chatters away with Kiri while they eat lunch, and Jake as always delivers you a plate that you’ll barely touch. 

“Hey baby girl, I want you to try and eat something, hm? Just try.” He squeezes your shoulder, his ears pulled back. When Neteyam told his parents you two had bonded, they weren’t happy, but over time they had adopted you as one of their own. Even now that Neteyam is gone, Jake still sees you as one of his daughters. You don’t answer him, or even look at him. You never do. A tear trails down your cheek as you clutch Neyetam’s song cord in your hand.

Your body aches with the weight of losing him, your chest tight from how much you’ve cried. Everything feels wrong, the entire world just feels wrong. You know logically that if his Mother has the strength to get out of bed and do what needs to be done then you should too, but you just can’t. You don’t want to move, or eat, or do anything other than lay here and wait for Eywa to take you back to him. 

Suddenly the tent goes quiet, and you assume everyone has gone. Then you feel a presence behind you, and a warm hand lays on your hip. 

“Na’ari, come with me. Please, I have something to show you.” It’s Lo’ak. Your chest squeezes. You turn to look at him, and his eyes widen, this is the most you’ve moved since Neteyam died. He reaches for your hand, you let him take it. 

“Please tsmuke, come with me. I promise it will be worth it. It’s for Neteyam.” Lo’ak tries again, his voice nearly pleading with you. As soon as you hear Neteyam’s name, you squeeze your eyes shut, the thought of standing sounding utterly impossible. Much to the surprise of everyone, who all still happen to be in the tent watching anxiously, you rise to sit and plant your feet on the ground. You do it only to see Lo’ak’s eyes light up the way they are now. You let him guide you to stand, and you watch Tuk smile. 

“Where are we going?” You ask softly as Lo’ak leads you to the water, he continues to pull you towards the deep. 

“Just wait and see.” His voice is soft, and you haven’t missed how he is avoiding looking in your eyes. Once you’re both submerged, Lo’ak grabs one of the Gill Mantle’s and attaches it to your back before leading you further from the shore. Your chest squeezes again once you spot it in the distance, the Tree of Spirits. You falter, but Lo’ak reaches back with a pleading look in his eyes, and once again you let him pull you forward. Once the Tree of Spirits is in front of you, you feel tears pressing against the back of your eyes as Lo’ak reaches for your kuru to attach to the tree. Once it does, your vision goes white. 

***

When your eyes open again, you know where you are. You’re atop one of the Hallelujah mountains, the stars twinkling overhead and Pandora looking beautiful in the evening light. There is a blanket laid out beneath you, and a small wicker basket with food off to the left. You remember this, this was the first time you and Neteyam had slept together, the night you bonded, you tsaheyl si. You’ve never felt closer to another Na’vi in your entire life, and you know you’ll never feel that close to anybody ever again. You crumple to the blanket, tears crushing you as you sob into your palms. 

“Yawne? Baby what’s wrong? Talk to me, why are you crying?” You stiffen when you feel his hands around you, turning you to face him. His palms cup your cheeks, his thumbs swiping away falling tears. You look into his eyes, and you can’t even believe he’s truly here in front of you. You almost forget to breathe. 

“Tey?” Is all you can choke out before you’re crushing him against you, wrapping your arms around him as tight as you can. You feel his arms around your waist, can feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes and it’s like he’s really actually here. When you pull back a few inches to see his face, he’s smiling at you but there’s this look in his eyes. 

“Tey-” 

“Lo’ak’s come to see me yawne. He told me everything.” Neteyam says, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on your hips. You press your face into his chest, your ear flat against his chest as you listen to his heartbeat. 

Of course he did. You think to yourself. 

“I’m worried about you, he says you’re not eating.” Neteyam continues, but all you can do is listen to the steady beating of his heart. He presses a kiss to the top of your head, feeling more powerless than he did when he was alive. 

“How can I hear your heartbeat? Why is it so real? It’s as though you’re really here…” Tears thicken your voice, making it hard to speak clearly. Neteyam smiles against your hairline. 

“I live in Eywa’s embrace yawne. Through her, I’m still here- in a way.” He explains softly, and you pull back fully to look at him better. He looks you over, his face falling.

“Yawne, you’ve lost so much weight. What Lo’ak said, it scares me, and seeing you here scares me more. You’re giving up.” He says, his voice calm and steady but you push away from him. 

“Can you blame me? I watched you die, I saw the light leave your eyes. I am trapped in a world without you, I cannot go on.” You cry, looking at him with tears in your eyes. Neteyam’s expression softens, he can see how fragile you are right now. 

“Baby, you can’t continue like this. For me, you have to eat. To go into the sun, to feel the water on your skin. To laugh with my younger siblings, with my parents. Our family needs you just as much as you need them yawne.” He begs quietly, trying his best to reason with you. He knows though, there’s nothing he can say to ease the pain you feel. 

“But you’re not there. Why should I even try? When I can just lay there and wait for Eywa to take me?” You snap, you’re not angry with him. You’re angry that he wants you to let him go, to just leave him behind in the past. Panic encompasses Neteyam when you say that, and you can see it in his eyes. 

“No, yawne you can’t do that. Please- please don’t do that. What do you need me to do? How can I help ease the pain?” Neteyam moves to stand before you again, and he drops to his knees, holding your hips in his hands. 

“You can’t, I just want to be with you again. I can’t live without you.” You lean against him, feeling him press soft kisses against your stomach. 

“Yawne you’re not without me, I am always with you. With every step. All energy is borrowed, yes? My energy has gone back to the very ground you walk on, back into the air you breathe, into the water you drink and food you eat. I am all around you, can’t you feel me?” Neteyam whispers, his arms winding around your waist as you drag your fingers through his braids. You inhale and feel a warmth encompassing your body, your real body that’s connected to the Tree of Spirits. 

“I feel you.” You whisper as Neteyam rises to his feet. He cups your cheeks and pulls your lips to his, and you melt into his touch. When you part, your foreheads are pressed together. 

“Tey, can I come here, to see you again?” You ask and Neteyam smiles. 

“Yes, but there are a few rules you have to follow hm? You can only see me at night, and you have to get out of bed, eat, and spend time with my family before you do. You must tell me a story from that day, okay? Don’t lie, I always know when you’re lying yawne.” He says with his brow raised, his hands holding your arms lightly. Your arms are around his chest, and you squeeze him one more time. 

“I love you so much.” You breathe through tears. Neteyam smiles. 

“I love you.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” You whisper, your voice breaking. 

“I’m looking forward to it, yawne.” 

Your vision goes white.

***

When your vision clears, you’re underwater again. You disconnect your kuru from the Tree and turn to notice Lo’ak no longer beside you. You release the Gill Mantle and make the swim back to shore, where Lo’ak is waiting on the beach. As soon as you hit the beach you’re running across the shore to him, throwing yourself into his arms as soon as you reach him. 

“Thank you, tsmukan.” You hug him tightly, and you feel Lo’ak instantly wrap his arms around you and hold you just as tightly as you’re holding him. You spend the rest of the day with the family, who delights at your presence. Tuk pulls you back into the water to look for colorful fish, and Kiri spends time filling you in on all the clan gossip you’ve missed. When it’s dinnertime, you remember what Neteyam said about your weight and you finish all the food Jake puts on your plate- which makes him smile.