Anthony (Tony) Robert Sexton-Cerny
TW
i just want to talk about you ; to you an let it flow . you - blue eyes. Part 1.
Warmth / digital connection - feelings behind a phone.
2013-2014 / 6th grade
I saw you in the halls in 5th grade an in 6th grade I always would stare at you in choir. That fall of 6th grade I just silently watched you with your best friend you had the warmest smile. The brightest laugh , the type that you can’t help but smile. That December I turned 13 an I got an iPhone. My friend that was a sophomore helped me make a Snapchat. the first app I downloaded was Instagram. I definitely looked you up an followed you. I started liking your stuff every time you posted. You an I would like an comment on each other’s stuff. We exchanged numbers an we texted so much. For the next couple months we texted morning to night. I told you so much, stuff I never felt like I could tell anybody. I miss you.
The first time we actually spent time together was that March , your mom an grandma took us to the high school play of the little mermaid. My mom straightened my hair for me . My checks were so red, the whole night I could barely talk I was so nervous to be around you. You were so kind , I remember you dropping me off an I laid on my bed an texted you that I had so much fun an you said “miss me already?” That month I had my last scoliosis surgery you woke up that morning an texted me the whole time my mom drove me to the hospital in Chicago. You woke up an hour late an got upset, but you texting me an caring took away my nervousness for my surgery. When I got home a couple days later you brought me a purple bunny, Arizona teas, an a scary movie. You came over so much an just sat with me on the couch. You held my hand when I was healing. I miss you
That April we started dating. You were my best friend, you cared about me so much an you helped me stand up for myself. You always always listened an I couldn’t imagine getting through that year without you. You cared about my nephew jaxson like he was your family. Every time we hung out when your mom would drive me home you’d always sit in the back with me an wed sit with no seatbelt an wed just hold each other. You’d get out of the car every time an give me the tightest hug. On my bad days now I feel like my skin craves of of those hugs. I spent the summers at your family’s campground. We used to sneak around an smoke cigarettes an kiss. You would do this thing when I would sit by the fire pit. were you would come up behind me an rub my shoulders. It was the most caring thing I experienced. My little sister would stay at the campground with us she was close with your little sister. You would braid my little sisters hair. We had a water fight in the camper. You would always just hold me, an I would always kiss your shoulders. You defended me always even if I didn’t understand why at the time. You bought my whole family Christmas gifts. You had the most pure soul Tony. Always an forever.
I miss you.
Even when we broke up you would check up on me. Freshman year I was sitting there nervous an you came out of nowhere an just made me laugh. You still were in choir. I miss you. As we drew farther apart I spiraled , I lost my anchor. I got into pills. got clean - relapsed a cycle that continued from freshman year to junior year. I miss you.
The summer before senior year was the last time I saw you at the fair , my mom an billy(my moms husband) an my little sister an your mom an little sister. You ran up an yelled my name I stood there memorized. You embraced me in that tight hug. I melted time stopped. I lost concept of where we were I just smiled an couldn’t shake the feeling of our soul connection. You dropped out of school sophomore year an finished early online. So that was the first time I saw you in person in such a long time. You looked so fucking happy, living. I remember being on that ride with my little sister an just watching you on the ground. I smoked weed that night an just thought about our youth an growing up together. I miss you.
march 23rd , 2019 was the day you passed away.
a car crash, no more detail I don’t want this post to be about that. It was 7 in the morning on a Sunday I was getting ready to go to Indianapolis to go to lego land for my nephews birthday. My mom screamed my name an I opened my door an she coming rushing over an shoved her phone into my face an it takes me a moment to process what’s going on an before I know it I’m reading a post from Facebook that your mom put up letting everybody know you passed away in a car crash late Saturday night going home. I just looked up at my mom an just stared, I closed my door finished getting dressed. I sat on my bed an thought maybe there was a way you’d pull through or maybe I read it wrong I had just talked to you through messenger the 19th I didn’t want to believe that we just talked 4 fucking days before. I went to lego land I didn’t know what to feel. I just stared, at one point I went to the bathroom an just sat in the stall. Still didn’t cry , but I was in there for a while my older sister came in an thought I was crying I came out of the stall an she hugged me. I couldn’t feel anything felt like I was floating.
Your wake was the 28th I went with mom, billy, an my little sister. I walked in first my mom behind me, I walk down the hall your moms the first person in the building I see she hugs me an I start crying a bit. I couldn’t comprehend seeing her there. My mom put her hands on my shoulders just like you would. Next we walk over to the slideshow your mom put together of your life. It was beautiful, there were so many good photos that captured you. Pictures of you as a kid , at the campground, rolling blunts. What I wasn’t prepared for was the photos of us in the slide show. I lost my breathe. You cousin came up to me. We talked an hugged. I sat on the left side in the back row I couldn’t go to your casket. Charles (A friend of ours that was in our grade ) came up to me an leaned down an said “have you gone up yet?” I looked up blankly “I don’t know if can” he smiled shy “cmon I’ll go up with you.” I walked with him up to your casket. It was closed , but had your black hat an your cigarettes on top. Next to it was a box inside was your bong an come home when your sober cd. It didn’t feel real I couldn’t understand why you. Charles told me he’d pick me up an go with me to your funeral the 29th (the next day). That morning I got up early an got ready felt like my breathe was stuck inside my throat the whole time. Charles picked me up in his red Jeep. I sat by some friends I felt so empty during your service it felt like an injustice that you were taken away. Driving to the grave we all had our windows down an Charles blasted lil peep for you. I felt you in the jeep with us. I watched you be put into the ground , I stood with a friend an she held my hand. I wanted to lay in the ground with you. That night I stayed with some friends.
I got involved w somebody who was struggling with pill @ddiction , I ended up relapsing. What I didn’t know is that percs were the pills they gave me after my last surgery. I spiraled. I got used an I was in a bad place mentally. It took me a while to get clean. An I don’t want to make this post abt that but I’m two years clean now. I hope you are proud of that Tony , you help me stay sober everyday. I spiraled for a year after you passing them went into hermit mode.
This month will be 3 years. I can’t control how heavy it is but I can control my intention my intention is to spread love an warmth like you did for everyone. I’ve been in hermit mode since I got sober I don’t really leave the house. I developed crippling fear of cars an driving by trees. Its gotten better in the last 2 months. I’m leaving the house more , I went with some friends today and played basket ball an got ice cream , played card games. I’m trying to wake up an make the best of what I can. You didn’t let anything that you went through stop you , you are inspiring me still.
I know you guide me everyday I know you are here right now. I hope you hear me an I hope one day we can finally have that blunt together. I miss you so much Tony. You are my reason to not give up even on the days I’d rather be with you. Im grateful for every moment an memory we shared together, you are my soul connection. Thank you.
It’s 6:48 a.m. I gotta go to sleep , please visit my dreams.
Rest In Peace Tony
i love you
